Author's Note: I guess I should have done this in the beginning. I don't own any characters, except a few later on that you will meet. I would appreciate any feedback you have. Thanks for reading. And Enjoy.

Apprehension: Confessions

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Carter contemplated where to go. The events conspiring before his first trip had him staying clear of his grandmother's house. His father had made arrangements to take care of anything business like there until Carter could get things elsewhere straightened out. He couldn't go to Abby's. She was upset the first time he left, he knew that she would be more furious this time, especially since he didn't even say a word before going. She wouldn't have understood, then they would have fought, and then he would have left anyway. He wanted to bypass all that and just let her be mad. He returned quickly to the house to grab some essentials and decided to check into a hotel until he could find permanent housing. It was close to County so getting to work was going to be easy.

As he stepped into the shower, he could almost feel everything washing away. He was renewed. The incidents with Gillian were only distant memories that would eventually come to haunt him but at the moment, he couldn't deal with. He rested his forehead on the shower glass and felt the warm water rush over his body and face. He couldn't remember how long he stood there but eventually the water turned cold and his foggy mind began to clear. He stared at his reflection in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, realizing but not completely admitting that this was his life and he was ruining one minute at a time. His self-destructive pattern was coming back, except this time he wasn't using drugs, and he wasn't necessarily hiding from anything. He just didn't want to face the truths that had haunted him for twenty years. The day his brother died was the day his life changed. He wasn't meant to be a man with normal problems like finding a date and paying for rent. He was meant to face terrible obstacles and face tough decisions and live with them forever.

"Dr. Carter, welcome back," Gallant said.

"Who'd your get in a fight with?" Pratt asked nodding to the slightly bruised eye and jaw, not to mention the healing cut from where the gun tore open his cheek. He was so accustomed to seeing the purple marks etched on his body that he didn't realize they weren't a permanent reminder of Africa, only a vague recollection.

"A bottle of vodka," Carter said with a slight smile, catching Abby's glance as he rounded the corner of admit and leaned near Kerry. She nodded silently and he two of them walked into the lounge as everyone watched from behind.

"What's wrong?" Kerry asked.

He motioned for her to sit down. "You know I was in Africa." She nodded. "Do you know why?"

"I guess I assumed that they were in need for doctors. I knew how passionate you were about those people when you came back. Is there another reason?"

"Luka disappeared. He was taking care of a few critical patients in a different clinic and they were ambushed. One of the nurses called, so I took off. Luka needed help. I couldn't let him die. Everyone knows that Luka and I had our differences. I know how hard it is to explain why I did it."

"So . . . two weeks later, what's the verdict?"

"Not good. After some trouble, we found him and managed to get back to the original clinic. He was sick, he'd lost a lot of blood, and it came to a point when there was nothing we could do. It was my decision to move him to a real hospital where they specialized in these cases. Gillian had some contacts from work. I couldn't let him die, even though I knew the risks. He was taken off life support two days ago. The surgery went okay but he wasn't showing any signs of brain function. A team of doctors, including myself, made the decision when his condition only worsened with time."

Carter ran his fingers through his hair and watched Kerry.

"You did this alone?" she asked.

"Not really. Gillian was with me." They were silent. "I've made some bad choices in the past, but I've really screwed up this time, Kerry. For months my life has been a complete mess."

"If things were so bad why didn't you talk to someone?" she asked.

"Like who? My loving girlfriend? Lately the only thing Abby cares about is her own life. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. If I had stayed in Africa with Luka, maybe he would still be alive."

"Or your both could be dead. This ER can handle the loss of Luka, but you are the heart. If you left, things would crumble." He tore at a napkin. "What's going on with you?" she asked. It had been a long time since she had seen him this vulnerable and scared to be alive. If something was ever going wrong in his family, in his life, he never expressed it. It just wasn't like him to be so open about his troubles. Maybe because last time he expressed how desperate he was, they sent him off to get help.

"I did something unforgivable."

"What?"

He couldn't even look at her. John Carter was an honest man. He did what he was told. He never broke the rules. Always faithful. "I cheated on Abby. I'm not that kind of person," he defended before she could say anything. "But recently, Abby hasn't been there. It's as if we're nonexistent. This woman, Gillian, we worked with in Africa. She was everywhere. She was with Luka, she was there for the shooting and the torture, and she was strong. She survived. Everyone has baggage. I'm not asking for someone who doesn't have a history. But she sat and listened to it all and she understood. She didn't offer up ways to fix my life or even suggestions. No one's ever done that before. But as hard as I try, I love Abby more everyday, imperfections and all. But Gillian, she's so different. I don't love her. Luka loved her. But she's the only person I have been able to be so open with and I wasn't scared that it would get thrown back in my face."

Kerry could tell he was only skimming the surface.

"Can I be honest with you?" He asked. She nodded. "Since the day I got back from Africa the first time, I can't stop thinking about how much easier life would be if I could have one more fix. How can I help a recovering alcoholic when I can't even help myself?"

"When was your last meeting?" she asked.

"I don't remember. It's just that everyday something else makes life difficult." He took a deep breath and without realizing it, grabbed his side.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't know. I think I cracked a rib," he said, waving it off.

"Did you get your bruises at the same time?"

He rested his head in his hands and sighed.

"Where are you staying?" she asked.

"Hotel down the street."

"Why?"

"I can't stay at my grandmother's house. It's too fresh."

"Do you need a place to stay?"

"Kerry," he started.

"My basement is redone. Sandy and I could use some male influence." He smiled a little bit. She slid a key over to him. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, but didn't respond. The door to the lounge opened and Susan and Abby walked in talking. They both stopped when they saw the two sitting silently.

"Carter, I'm glad you're here. We could use your help," Susan said.

"I'm not working," he told her looking up. He could see the slight shock pass over her face as she took in the bruising.

"Susan, I need you to handle the ER for awhile," Kerry said standing up.
"We're backing up and we're down three doctors."

"I have something to take care of and then I'll help as soon as I can." She motioned for Carter and he silently grabbed the keys and followed her out.

"What happened to him?" Susan asked.

"I don't know and I don't really care. I haven't talked to him since he got back from Africa," Abby told her.