Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original ER characters, however I may have a few of my own.

Secrets Unshared: 3

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He stared at the woman. He wanted to be able to escape his past, not relive it. Except now people were starting to meddle where they didn't belong, and now he was going to have to deal with it all. He stood a distance from her, refusing to say anymore. She wasn't going to make him crack.

"Aren't we macho? You really think this is working?" she asked.

"Go away. Go back to Philly and CHOP and your own life."

"Do you really want to do this here? You know the rumor mill. You know everyone will find out." He stood motionless tuning out the soft whispers that were beginning to start and Kerry walked up.

"Anna," she said as she walked to the board.

"I'm going to steal a doctor, Kerry. If you don't mind. I won't keep him long."

"By all means," Kerry said.

"Good. We're taking a little trip, Carter," she said.

"I really hate you," he said as he set his charts down. Abby silently watched him finally give in to one battle as he followed Anna out the bay doors.

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The second they stepped outside he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. He'd been waiting forever for one but he didn't want to give into the temptation. Now that he was forced out there, he didn't have anything holding him back.

"Smoking will kill you," she said.

"Better than doing this."

"What the hell is your problem? Why are you so scared?" she asked.

"I'm not scared and I don't have a problem."

"You are so scared. Why?" She watched him walk over to the bench and sit down. "You know that everyone in that ER cares about you. They only want to see you succeed."

"I've never been open about my family. People know that I have money but they all assume it's perfect. It's like if you don't have money you have the worst life, but if you have money you have the best life. Do people really think that money can buy you everything?" He took a long drag of his cigarette. "When Bobby died, I was on my own. Sure we had maids and a cook who made sure my laundry was done and that I ate. But the second summer was over I was shipped to boarding school and I was practically forced to stay there. I considered it my home. I stayed there on vacations or I went home with my friends. It wasn't like my family was buying me presents anyway. They were always sent to school."

"No one expects everyone's lives to be perfect."

"They expect mine to be." He stared at his feet before tossing the cigarette to the ground.

"What's going on in your head?" she asked. He didn't respond as his eyes diverted from the ground to where Susan and Abby walked into the ambulance bay and began walking toward the roach coach. "Don't pay attention to them."

"How come everyone else can be depressed about something, but the second I show signs of unhappiness, then I'm using drugs and need help."

"That's not what they're thinking."

"When did you lose your virginity?" he asked, looking back down at his shoes.

"Sixteen, why?" She watched him fidget, clasping and unclasping his hands.

"I was young. The point is that at this sexual harassment seminar Abby and Susan thought they would be cute and find out how old everyone was when they did. And I told them and they laughed, like it was a joke. Normally, losing your virginity should be special, yet in a majority of cases it's just spur of the moment. I mean, with Luka, he waited until he wedding night and I'm sure with the rest of them they really liked the person they were with."

"What's your story?" she asked.

"I didn't get attention from my parents, so the second someone showed any interest in me, romantic or not, I jumped on the chance just to have the attention."

"How old were you?"

"I was eleven," he stated, almost expecting Anna to start laughing.

"You realize that something isn't right about that, right?" she asked. He didn't respond. "Did you talk to someone about that?"

"People know."

"What people? Your friends at the sexual harassment seminar?" Anna asked. She could tell by his lack of responding to anything that he was frustrated.

"You know what? I don't want to discuss this anymore."

"Carter, you need to talk about it with someone. No one says you can't be sad sometimes, but there are extremes."

"There were extremes where I was on pain meds, before I went to Atlanta. Now it's normal. Especially when there is one tragedy after another happening in your life."

"I'm worried about you."

"Doug shouldn't have called you. I told him I'd take care of it."

"Were you really going to call?" she asked. He didn't respond. "That's what I thought."

"I didn't want to drag you back into my life. Things ended rough between us and I knew I could always count on you. I knew the second someone mentioned my name and that there were problems, you would come. I didn't want you to see this."

"See what? You struggle? I've seen you like this before."

"This time's different. There's more. It's like one disappointment after another." By this time he'd reached into his pocket and pulled out another cigarette.

"At one time you were my best friend. I know we've both changed, we've both moved on, but I thought that we could still be able to talk to each other."

"We're talking now, aren't we?"

"What happened with Chase?" she asked.

"What? Doug just called and said that I was in trouble and if you didn't come then I would kill myself?" he asked sarcastically.

"No. I said you were having problems with your family, including your cousin and you could use a friend."

"I have friends."

"Apparently not ones that you talk to," she said.

"I don't feel like my personal life is any of their business. Rumors start and so do assumptions. It's already assumed that I'm relapsing and soon I'll be sent away."

"I can't stay here forever so either you confide in me now and we make you feel better, or you find some friends you can confide in," Anna said as he stared at her.

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Author's Note: This story, unlike my others, is being written chapter by chapter as I get to it. So please bear with me as I work through this and figure out where I want it to go. I would appreciate any and all feedback and suggestions you have.