"How Long is the Night?"
If we run far away do you think we will ever die?
We'll throw these books in the fire
Can you stop the train?
Cause it some delay?
The change machine lied
And it's too late to scream
How long is the night?
"Kathleen, we need to talk." I awake to that familiar voice again. 'Damn him' I think to myself, why must he keep doing this to me? As I open my eyes, they slowly adjust to the blackness of the room. I look at the alarm clock on my nightstand. One forty-five in the morning, to my surprise, I managed to get a whole hour of sleep. That's more than usual these last three months.
"Matt Hardy what is it now?" I yell into the stillness of the night air.
"You were right. We should have taken that trip to the Bahamas. I'm sure Vince would have given me the time off. Just the two of us getting far away from the WWE, our family, and our problems."
I laugh loudly. "I asked you and you refused. You said wrestling was more important than working out our problems. So I bought my train ticket and went back to Minnesota to stay with my best friend Susanna. I thought the time away from each other would be the next best thing."
"I returned to our hotel room the night you left. I wanted to say sorry for our fight earlier in the day. I bought you an engagement ring and a beautiful card that I was going to give you. I finally was ready for that commitment you wanted, but when I entered the room, you were gone. No note or any explanation."
"I know I wish I could take it all back." I thought I was all cried out. However, I could feel the tears flow down my cheek again.
It's never over
It's never over
The ribbon was tied
But the card was never read
It's never over
It's never over
The ribbon was crimson the color of the night
"Wow, the nights seem never ending since you returned. I would give anything to have things back the way they were before, problems and all. Still, babe, when all the memories come flooding back to me, it hurts so much. Can't you understand that? Why do you constantly remind me?" I sit up from the bed and clutch the sheet tightly as I shout into the star lit room.
"Remember our walks in the park. On our first date we took a walk in the City Park by your apartment."
"How can I forget? Those were some of the best times we spent together."
"It was especially beautiful in autumn. Sitting under the big old oak tree."
These memories stung my heart, however, were oddly relaxing and I lay back down picturing Matt and me sitting under the tree watching people pass and talking to each other for hours. I wish I could go back to the simpler times.
Can you see the handwriting on the walls?
And on the autumn leaves that fall
What are we going to do?
The trees are giving up on us
The needle and the thread
Won't stitch us to the branch
And the night it never ends
"I can never let you go Kathleen."
I can feel a cold breeze pass over my body as he calmly speaks those words. I pull the covers up to my head and close my eyes. It is no use. I just see Matt's image as his voice grows louder.
"I can never let you go Kathleen." He's apart of me during the night and when I try to sleep I can't get away from him. Am I going crazy?
I will never sleep again
(I will never even close my eyes)
I will never sleep again
(I will never even close my eyes)
"I can't leave you Kathleen."
"I know Matt. However, it's time. We are not meant to be together right now."
"You know what you have to do."
"No, I'm not ready to die." I say in an unsure whisper.
Matt was my first real love. Yeah, I've dated but he was the first man that I could actually see myself put down roots with and marry. Unfortunately, he was not ready for such a big step. Wrestling was his number one priority. I understood that so I traveled with him and tried to be supportive. Yet it wasn't easy. I wanted something more and that led to many arguments between the two of us. I thought that a vacation would help but he didn't want to ask for time off. As a last resort, I decided to leave. It was hard and I couldn't bring myself even to write a note. Three years together and I walked away without leaving so much as a goodbye. I felt guilty. According to some of his wrestling friends, he was devastated when I left. Adam Copeland called me the night that Matt had his fatal accident. It was Tuesday and SmackDown was taping. He was tagging with Shannon Moore in a ladder match. From what I was told, his heart was not into the match. When Shannon tagged him he climbed an eight-foot ladder and lost his balance landing wrong on his neck. The EMT's rushed him to the local hospital where he was announced dead on arrival. I was in disbelief and broke down in tears, tears that would last for months and months. However, he wasn't gone for long, he began to haunt me and the nights became never ending. I love him so much but he comes to me reminding me of our life together. He keeps trying to get me to go with him to the other side where we can heal our wounds and reunite.
If the sun is on its way
Then we will never die
And we'll follow these tracks to the sight
Now the lungs collapse
Air is getting thin
All breath expired
Is it too late to heal?
I stumble out of bed, make my way to the bathroom and take a long look at myself in the mirror. Dark bags under my blood shot eyes, features of a sleepless woman.
"You are so beautiful." I hear Matt whisper in my ear and feel that cold breeze against my skin again.
"No, this is all my imagination." I tell myself as I fight the urge to grab the bottle of painkillers in my medicine cabinet.
I quickly walk out of the bathroom and back to bed. I sit and feel a book next to my hand. I reach over to my nightstand and turn on the small desk lamp. It was my photo album. I open the book and see the many pictures of Matt and me. The smiling, laughing, loving couple pops out of each page. I long to be with him again.
How long is the night?
It's never over
It's never over
The ribbon was tied
But the card was never read
It's never over
It's never over
The ribbon was crimson the color of the night
It's all I ever see anymore
But the day was so bright in the pictures
In the photo album that you gave me
It's all I have to live for
Live for
I run this time into the bathroom. I open my medicine cabinet and grab the pills. I make my way back to my bed and kneel down next to it. My hand fumbles with the childproof cap until it finally opens and I pour a hand full into my hand. Tears are now uncontrollably rolling down my face.
"Kathleen, I love you." I hear Matt say.
Pills in my right hand I put my head on the bed trying to control my emotions.
"Matt dammit. Why do you insist on doing this to me?"
I pick my head off the bed and notice that it is two in the morning."
I wail into the gloom filled room, "how long is the night?" as I throw the pills to the floor.
I'm falling down
I'm falling down
And you're not here to break my fall
I shut my eyes when you're around
I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice
I'm falling down
I'm falling down
And you're not here to break my fall
I shut my eyes when you're around
I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice
I'm falling down
I'm falling down
And you're not here to break my fall
Song- Thursday's "How Long is the Night"
