"The Great Below" Sequel to "How Long is the Night"
Staring at the sea,
will he come?
I sit in front of the sea, tips of my toes touching the water, looking out at the setting sun. Alone, I glance up at the sky filled with orange, red and lavender. It helps make the atmosphere seem almost surreal. The cool autumn breeze brushes my exposed skin and suddenly I am reminded of you. It has been over a year since you reappeared in my life. Whispering in my ear to join you on the other side where we can reunite and heal our wounds. I must say that it was a haunting temptation I found hard to refuse. Yet I somehow managed to when I threw those pills out of my hand. I suppose you took that as your cue I would not join you because shortly after you stopped haunting me. Once you were gone, all I was left with was time to reflect. I reflected on my foolish pride and us. I learned that if you truly love someone you standby them no matter the circumstances. I should have had more faith in our love and supported your career. Who cares about marriage as long as we had each other, right? However, it was too late for regrets. I can feel tears stream down the side of my face. A reoccurring reaction whenever I think of you. I gaze into the water and as if you were some magical fish, expect you to appear.
Is there hope for me?
After all is said and done
anything at any price
all of this for you
all the spoils of a wasted life
all of this for you
Matt, I tried to move on with my life. I know that you wanted me to be with you but I figured that since I wasn't I would move on. Although I often felt alone without you here, I really wasn't. Your wrestling family became like my own family. Adam would frequently call to check up on me. Even invited me over to spend Christmas with him and his wife. Jeff also visited a few times. We just engaged in meaningless small talk but I knew he meant well. Shortly after that eventful night, I returned to my job waiting tables. I figured it was time to let go of my self-pity and go on with life as normal. But that was just a façade. I was really hurting inside and hoped beyond hope that I would see you again. Who am I kidding? I can't function normally in my daily life. Maybe it is the depression talking but I feel my life is just a waste. These feelings of emptiness mixed in with feelings of unresolved issues have caused me to think twice about your offer. I never realized that I would fall so hard for a man. All of this is for you my love.
All the world has closed her eyes.
Tried faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been.
I regularly imagine what could have been between the two of us. A happy loving couple with a house, children, pets. Heck I would have even drove a minivan. Yet you aren't here and I am left with the impression that your death is my fault. I could have left a note. At least then, you wouldn't have worried and could've concentrated on your match. But no, I was so self absorbed and hell bent on making you pay for not marring me. Impulsively I stand up from the sand and make my way into the water. Ankle deep inside, I feel as if mother earth has closed her eyes to me and is saying I can't bare to see you do it. Another creature taken from my womb. However, my faith in things ever getting better has worn thin. All I can think about is you. All I can think about is us.
Ocean pulls me close
and whispers in my ear.
The destiny I've chose
all becoming clear.
The currents have their say
the time is drawing near.
Washes me away
makes me disappear.
As I slowly walk further into the ice-cold seawater, I cannot help but wonder if this will truly bring us together. Nonetheless, I cannot think of that now for my destiny has been chosen. Now waist deep, I can feel the currents push at me. I hold out my arms to my sides and take in the splashes of water and the cold autumn breeze. I walk further and further until I cannot stand up anymore. The current pushes at me and I find myself trapped under the water.
I descend from grace
in arms of undertow.
I will take my place
in the great below.
Caught in the undertow, I can feel my lugs start to crave for air. I was never good at swimming or holding my breath. I open my eyes and everything is blurry. I oddly feel at peace with myself. A feeling I haven't felt for a while. My head now feels as if it is going to explode. It will only be a matter of time now.
I can still feel you
even so far away.
I close my eyes for a brief second. I open them and I am no longer in the water. I don't know where I am. Everything is black like night without stars. Then I feel an old familiar touch on my left shoulder. Matt I turn with excitement but no one is there.
I can still feel you
even so far away.
Song- "The Great Below" by Nine Inch Nails
