"Even Deeper" Part 3 in the "How Long is the Night" Series

I woke up today
to find myself in the other place.
With a trail of footprints
from where I ran away.

My eyes slowly open and I instantly see the sparkle of a billion stars illuminating the sky of black. Laying on my back my head hurts and my lungs are throbbing. What the hell happened. One minute I was in a place completely black, where I felt Matt's touch and the next I am back on this damn beach. How? Why? With the little strength that remains within my body, I turn to my side as tiny grains of sand stick to my wet skin. A short distance away, I can see a trail of my footprints leading to the place I ran to for my salvation.

"Damn I was so close to being reunited with you Matt! Why God? Why are you teasing me?" I whisper to myself.

"Oh Kathleen, thank goodness you're alright. I was so worried about you."

Startled I quickly shift to my back, holding myself up with my arms, and am shocked at who I see. Was this the man who stopped me from being reunited with Matt?

"Wa-what are you doing here? I haven't seen you since Matt's funeral."
"I followed you. I was watching you peacefully sitting by the ocean. You seemed completely lost in thought. The next thing I know you're walking into the ocean. At first I thought you were just going for a swim, however, when I saw you go under and not come back up I rushed in and saved you "
"Why Shannon? Why did you follow me? Better yet, why did you save me?" I was confused and angry as hell. This man couldn't even talk to me let alone look me in the eye at Matt's funeral so why is he here now.

"Um well I sure wasn't going to let you drown." He looked uncomfortable as he ran his hand through his wet blond hair. "I've also wanted to talk to you for a while now. I have been holding something in since the night Matt died. I'm just now finding the courage to tell you."

I study the intensity on his face. Frankly, I am not sure if I want to hear this. I see an empty stare in his beautiful green eyes, oddly reminds me of the empty look I often see in my own reflection.

"I'm sorry Kathleen. If you don't want to hear this now I can just drive you to the hospital and we can make sure that you are alright."

Suddenly my decision was made, "No really I'm fine, considering the circumstances. And please tell me what you came here to say." I stand up and grab his hand. I can sense what he has to say is going to chance both our lives. I hear him release a heavy sigh, "Kathleen I would have told you sooner. However, when I would ask Jeff how you were feeling, he would tell me that you were an emotional mess. I didn't want to add more burden on your already heavy heart."

I remember Jeff mentioning a few times briefly that Shannon would ask about me but I never really thought much of it. "Listen Shannon whatever you have to say please say it."

"I stopped Matt." I watch as he swallows before continuing. "I stopped Matt from being with you."

It seems everything I've heard
just might be true
and you know me
(well you think you do)
sometimes, I have everything - yet I wish I felt something.

"Why would you say something like that Shannon?"

"The night you left Matt was going to skip our tag match and go looking for you. I convinced him to stay at least until after the show. I promised that I would help him find you once the show was over. Unfortunately, he didn't make it to the end of the show. When I would hear from people, like Jeff and Adam, how distraught you were over his death, I couldn't shake the feeling that your unhappiness was my fault. I slowly came to the realization that this was an incident beyond any of our control. However, I still felt that you needed to know. That's why I am here and that's why I saved you. You need to know Matt loved you and was willing to give up his career to be with you. But now that he is gone he would want you to be happy and live your life."

I hang my head low in shame. All this time I blamed myself for his death yet it wasn't my fault. I guess deep down I've always knew it wasn't my fault. It would be easy to sit her and blame Shannon but deep in the remains of my heart, I know that it isn't his fault either.

" Kathleen, I know that you almost drowning wasn't an accident." He says as he gently lifts up my head so we are face to face.

"You're right it wasn't. I want to die." I answer solemnly.

"Why?"

Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
it runs even deeper.

"I don't know how much Adam or Jeff told you but I had a break down about a year ago. I was hearing Matt's voice. He kept reminding me about our happy times together. Eventually he invited me to join him on the other side. I was strong at first. I threw those pills out of my hand and refused to kill myself. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough. I constantly think that there has to be more for me on the other side. Shannon I no longer enjoy this life. Death has lost its power to terrify me and I know it's no longer the enemy. It is my friend. A friend that will guide me to a new beginning with Matt." Shannon is looking at me astonished. I know he thinks my twisted logic is crazy. But to hell with him. To hell with everyone who stands in my way to be reunited with Matt. I watch as he takes a seat in the sand. He motions me to take a seat next to him. Confused I walk toward him and sit.

"Please continue." I can see his features soften and I hear sincerity in his voice.

"The only place I would see him is in my dreams. It was wonderful but when he tried to hold me, I couldn't feel him. It was like hugging fog. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided the only way I could feel him, hold him and love him is if I killed myself."

And in a dream I'm a different me
with a perfect you
we fit perfectly.
And for once in my life I feel complete
and I still want to ruin it
afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway

"Wow, it sounds like you've been fighting a war with yourself. Kind of like I was."

His statement confuses me, "Shannon what are you talking about?"
"I told you I felt responsible for a long time about Matt's death. I even went into a deep depression. Depression can have a strong hold on a person and make them feel emotions that no other 'normal' individual would feel. I thought about death a couple of times as well. Then I sought help. I was surrounded by people who understood how I felt. I soon realized I wasn't responsible. Hell I'm no psychic I couldn't have known what was going to happen. Not to say that I don't feel bad for what happened because I do. However, I have grieved and now I hold onto the memories of Matt. Listen Kathleen, you are young and beautiful and have a whole life ahead of you. Unfortunately, you haven't been able to grieve. You seem to be holding on to what could be rather than what has been."
His words sting my heart. No one has ever laid it out for me like that. I know other's intentions were good when they asked if I were okay. But no one ever took the time to hear my cries except for Shannon. He was right as well. Maybe this whole thing has surfaced all because I have never properly mourned Matt's death. I have been so wrapped up in this fantasy of reuniting that I never stopped to just cry and surround myself with positive things.

"Kathleen what are you thinking?" I'm snapped back into my reality by Shannon's question.

"It's hard to fight the voice alone." I manage to choke out through the tears that started to freely pour down my face.

I hear them call
I cannot stay
the voice inviting me away

do you know how far this has gone
?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
it runs even deeper
everything that matters is gone
all the hands of hope have withdrawn
could you try to help me hang on?
It runs...


"Will you help me hang on Shannon." I plead, "I want to live."

"I'm here for you Kathleen." He pulls me close and wraps me in a warm hug. It is the safest I have felt in a long time.

I'm straight
I won't crack
on my way
and I can't turn back
I'm okay
I'm on track
on my way
and I can't turn back
I stayed
on this track
gone too far
and I can't come back
I stayed
on this track
lost my way
can't go back

Song- "Even Deeper" by Nine Inch Nails