Anyone who asked about this being like Bridget Jones Diary - I haven't read it. This was meant to be half in the style of the Georgia Nicholson books and half like "The Chronicles of Lucius", a Harry Potter fanfic apparently based on BJD. It's over at Fictionalley.org, you should read it if you're into HP.

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I KNOW KUNG FU

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SOME TIME AROUND 2199

8:38 AM

Just woken up by strange person. Looks familiar.

8:39 AM

Strange Person is called Tank. Queer name. What kind of parent names their kid Tank?

He says he's my operator. I don't like the sound of that. If he's an operator someone's got to have an operation, and it looks like that someone is me. And I have no interest in being operated upon. I hate blood.

Strange Tank Person has nil Socket Things. Wonder why...

8:40 AM

Ah! I'm communicating with this guy! I ask a simple question and he gives me a simple answer!

Will test out theory with second question.

8:41 AM

OK, asked a couple more simple questions and theory works. Simple answers Tank does give! Will try one more time.

8:42 AM

Damn. Theory bamboozled. Tank sadly did waffle on and on about a load of pointless stuff.

Still, from all that experimentation I have found that there is only one nice place left on this planet. Dammit. Was under rather different impression.

8:45 AM

Am sitting in chair. Tank flipping through floppy disks. Am rather concerned. Maybe the floppy disks are disguised knives and are to be used for operation.

I hate blood.

8:46 AM

Wrahhhh! Got sucked into chair and had evil things put in my head!!! That felt good. Amazing in fact. Like drinking thirty cups of coffee then going bungee jumping into an active volcano. Only good.

6:46 PM

Ten hours of that experience.

I know Kung Fu.

Expressed such thoughts to Morpheus.

6:50 PM

Am in Place That is Not the Matrix. Had to have Thing jabbed in head again. Argh.

Oooooh, am dressed in cool kung fu outfit! Go me!

6:52 PM

Wheee! Am fighting Morpheus and I know Kung Fu!!

Still a little high from Evil Things in Mind experience.

Ooooooh, I can run up walls!

6:53 PM

Owwww.....

Was beaten. Painfully. Was kicked so hard into wooden pillar it broke. Owwwww.....

Will not cry. Is not manly. Will. Not. Cry.

6:55 PM

Somehow Morpheus got me into another fight. Hell, I'm actually good at this now. I feel... energised.

6:56 PM

Wheeeee hooooo!

I BEAT HIM!

Yay! Payback!

6:58 PM

Ah, great. Next test: Jump three hundred metres over a busy road. Hey, I can do that. Easy peasy. No problemo. I just have to free my mind. I can do that.

6:59 PM

Owwwwww......

Did not make the jump.

Fell painfully onto road. Road went all sproingy so am still alive.

7:00 PM

Rewoke into Real World. Owwwww. Am still hurting.

AH CRAP! There's blood in my mouth! Blood blood blood blood blood!!

I hate blood!!!!

9:06 PM

Uhhhh. Went to bed after the whole falling thing. Was woken up by...

Oh. It's Trinity. With.... white drippy goo.

She is looking at me in a funny way. I think I'll pretend to be asleep. Close my eyes. If I look at that drippy goo any longer I might throw up again.

SOME TIME AROUND 2199

7:45 AM

Uhhhhh was woken up by Morpheus. Far too early. Am sleepy.

7:56 AM

Have to go into Matrix, again. Why? I hate the whole stick-in-head thing

8:01 AM

Am in Matrix. Busy street. People keep pushing me and - hey, deja vu! And again! And again!

That's rather strange. There's something not quite right about this.

8:02 AM

Lady in pretty red dress walked past. She smiled at me! Somehow she doesn't fit in here...

Ooooops. Morpheus saw I was ogling her and not listening to him. Still, she is far more interesting than anything he could ever say.

8:03 AM

Wraaa! Lady in pretty red dress turned into a suit! With a gun! Then Morpheus yelled at the sky to "Freeze it" and time stopped!

This isn't the Matrix?

8:04 AM

No, apparently it isn't. It's another training thingy. Like the Kung Fu fighting and the Impossible Jump. Hmmmmmm.

8:05 AM

Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!! Is it physically possible for Morpheus to be more boring? Now he's lecturing me on gatekeepers. Why, please?

8:06 AM

Oh. They're called agents, not gatekeepers. And I'm going to have to fight them.

Why me? Why am I special? I'm just... me. Someone who just got dragged into a load of shit.

8:07 AM

So I'm not going to dodge bullets. Apparently I won't have to dodge bullets.

What can you do to escape bullets, save dodge them? Perhaps I'll turn into a ghost, then they'd go straight through me. Or maybe I'll be surrounded by a wall of acid, that disintegrated the bullets before they hit me.

I really can't think of anything else, and those two don't sound too good. I have no interest in being a ghost. The acid thing wouldn't be too convenient either - how am I supposed to socialise? It would make walking through doors awkward, too, unless the acid disintegrated the doorway, so it would be wide enough.

Hell, I don't know.