45.
They didn't talk for the entire journey home. Mulder drove as always in some way it helped him to concentrate upon what was going through his mind. Scully was pregnant with his child and she wanted to get rid of it. She'd had a really rough time when she was pregnant with Samantha, Mulder wondered if Samantha's abilities had anything to do with it. It was cold and calculated the way in which Scully had asked the doctor for an abortion. Like she wasn't fully there her body and mind may have been but her heart had been removed the moment she had seen their child on screen.
He didn't pretend to understand what was going on in her mind. He couldn't talk to her at that moment. It was too much to bear. She was catholic and was actually going through something that was extremely against her beliefs. There was something seriously wrong here and he had to find out. Had he been sleeping with a clone?
Scully could sense Mulder's increasing resentment towards her. She toyed with the ring he had given to her. It symbolised their love, their being one with each other but right now they were torn in two by her decision. He would never understand what she went through, partly because she had not understood it herself. A stream of rage that had been closely followed by a happiness that knew no bounds had consumed her. It bordered on depression but only worse than that. Suicide watch had been a torment. Her Mother had feared for her. She had found her one afternoon with a cut to her wrist. She had slipped with the knife but her Mother had assumed the worst. She would have thought the same but there was no stopping the worry. They had finally realised she was in no danger of harming herself or the baby about a month prior to Samantha's birth. She wondered if her relationship with Mulder could survive. They had with so many things but this was different. This was personal. She couldn't bring herself to think of what was in her. It had to be a thing. She could not get attached to it. There was no he or she this was a thing. An IT. A growth that would take her away from everything she loved. She couldn't let Samantha see her go crazy. Not in a million years would she let that happen.
The next few days passed in relative silence. The only time they really spoke was around Samantha, to make life normal for her. Both Mulder and Scully knew she could 'see' what was going on but she said nothing. Samantha could see her Mother's reasons as clear as day and knew in part it had been her fault for what had happened to her Mom. She had always had visions and had them when she was growing in the womb. Her Mom would never admit to it but she had seen the things Samantha was. Like Mulder being there when he wasn't and those daily nightmares about murders taking place which were gruesome. Thank goodness they hadn't lasted long. Her powers had waned after that except for the one huge dream of her dad seeing her be born. That was something she had done for her Mom who crying for her dad. Samantha had thought about him until it hurt. He had come. He went when they cut her link to her Mom but now she had that memory. Something she might share with her Mom when she got old enough to tell her properly. She knew her Mom would understand then. Her words were simple at the moment and not always sounding clear but her mind was sharper than a pencil. Her teacher had told her Mom on many occasions.
Her dad was another thing altogether, he was ignoring her Mom because he couldn't be around her. No matter how much he tried to cover his feelings from them both it wasn't working. Samantha could see right into his mind and feel the hurt pouring from his soul. The looks of utter devastation consumed his soul. Samantha wanted to cry whenever she hugged her dad.
It was worse hugging her Mom. She could sense the baby's tears. It knew it was unwanted and wanted to die already. Samantha had telepathically told it that their dad wanted it and she did. Mommy did too if you listened really close to her heart… just beyond that icy wall she always built up around her heart whenever she was scared. The baby could hear her but didn't understand that it was Samantha reading its mind rather than them speaking. It was completely normal. It would have the ability to destroy the aliens but aside from that it had no special powers. Samantha just thought of the baby as just that in case her Mommy did take it away. She didn't want to think she could have a brother or sister. In fact she hadn't asked what the baby was.
The day had arrived for the abortion and Scully was on tender hooks. She already knew Mulder was leaving that evening. He had told her as much. He hadn't exactly told her it was more like her catching him packing and asking what he was doing. He hadn't lied. He had said he was getting ready to leave if she went through with the abortion. He did love her but couldn't be around her. It was too much. Although she completely understood his actions it was still hard to deal with. Her heart broke in a thousand pieces.
She had discussed it in both of her counselling sessions. She knew Mulder would leave her at some point. Whether it was now or when the baby was born it wouldn't matter. He always left her when she had a child. Mulder consistently let her down when children were involved. When she was pregnant with William he wasn't there, okay so he was abducted but he had 'stepped into the light'. He was back before the birth but left two days later. He'd abandoned her when she was pregnant with Samantha. She was too sick to look after properly. She would have done anything for him but he left her. Now she was scared the same would happen. She was correct because he was leaving her. It might be her fault now but he would have left later anyway. She was worried about it. The thing inside of her could very well be alien. They had put one in her before so what was stopping this one from being alien, too?
Ever since finding out about the, dare she think it… Baby… her whole life was crumbling around her ears. She loved him so much and would do anything for him but this. Not after the last time. The dreams just about tipped her over the edge. She couldn't deal with that again. She shuddered when she thought about the harrowing things she saw. Sitting down on the sofa, Scully hugged her legs, her mind boggled with the events that were due to take place that day. The thought of having their child was something that terrified her but losing Mulder's love was the worst thought imaginable. She had lost his love in the doctor's office and now as she stared at the ring she knew just what she had to do. Mulder came down the stairs and saw her sitting on the sofa looking pitiful. He knew they should talk about it but really didn't want to.
"You okay?"
"I guess so." She looked up at him hoping for him to extend the conversation. She looked at the ring once more. "Do you want his back?" she offered him the ring.
"You keep it. There isn't going to be anyone else I want to give it to." He looked away from her then reconsidered what he had said before sitting down beside her. "I think we need to talk about this, don't you."
"Yes. I do." She looked into his eyes. " I know you want his more than life itself. I just can't."
"Why? You love kids. What happened to change that?"
"You." He looked at her dumbstruck "When I was pregnant with William you disappeared and then 'died' I fought to keep myself afloat. The grief consumed me so much. Then you were alive again and things changed. I know you had to adjust pretty damn quickly to being a Father but it didn't excuse your leaving me two days after William's birth. I felt so alone and unloved. I had to cope with the dangers he was put into alone and I really needed you. I had to give William up without your being there. You never even registered him William is a Scully! I thought everything would be fine after we ran away but my getting sick, you just dumped me on my mother. Okay, it was for the best but when I found out about Samantha I cried. I was so hurt that I couldn't tell you. I feel like you won't be around for this. I'm scared you will go away again. I can't do this alone. I don't want to be a single mother again. I cannot cope with that. Especially after last time." Mulder nodded.
"What happened last time, Dana?" he studied her face looking for answers. "I heard what you said in the doctors office but what happened to you?"
"I had 'episodes' they were really gruesome. Mainly murders. I assume it was an over active imagination but they woke me up at night. In the day I would lay on the sofa shivering with fear of these dreams. I couldn't eat or sleep. The dreams occurred at anytime in the day or night. I was terrified. I still am. That is why I can't go through with this pregnancy. The culmination of little food, very little sleep made me seriously ill. Then I was making lunch and slipped with the knife whilst cutting cucumber. Mom came home and saw me covered in blood, she thinks the worst, and then she books me in hospital on suicide watch. I can't go through that again!"
Mulder studied her reasons momentarily. Processing the information wasn't hard. But there was something else… something he couldn't work out.
"I'm scared this isn't our baby at all" it was the first time he had heard her refer to the baby as that. They were making progress. "I think it could be an alien. I mean I gave birth to one a few days ago. They could easily have put another in my womb, right." Her composure lightened as she told him her fears, he couldn't prove her wrong on either of the first two and the alien child he doubted but they had reason to believe it was a possibility.
"Do you seriously think that?" she nodded. "What do you really want?"
"I want to reverse time and make it so I never got pregnant again." Her eyes brimmed with tears.
"Do you want the baby, Dana?" Scully winced as he named the growing form within her.
"I… I don't know." She looked at the clock knowing she needed to leave soon.
"I don't like what you're going to do but I understand it. You go ahead with it, if its what you feel is right, I won't be leaving tonight. I love you. Maybe we need time for us. I won't stop you but I will promise never to leave you again." He hugged her as the tears fell from her eyes. That was what she needed to hear.
She rose from the sofa and slid on her shoes.
"Would you like me to go with you?" Scully shook her head.
"This is my doing. I have to do this alone. I'll be back by two. When will you get home?"
"By three. Call me when you are done. I can collect you."
"No. I want to do this so I will. Thank you for understanding this." He smiled softly at her. Scully walked towards him and leant down kissing him on the lips, a kiss that was meant to be brief turned into a prelude to their future love making. It felt like an eternity had passed between them. Her body relaxed as he held her hips pulling her closer to him. It would have been so easy to straddle him right then.
* * * * * *
12.20pm
Dressed in the hospital gown Scully watched the nurse put the drip needle into the back of her hand. She was going to be given the local anaesthetic soon enough. Her mind swam with Mulder's last words to her. "Do you want the baby?"
She hadn't actually thought about it until now. Her thoughts had been consumed with the reasons as to why she couldn't have it. She hadn't ever thought about whether she wanted it. Scully didn't know if she did want the baby.
The nurse came back with the wheelchair to take her down to the theatre. She had a look of perfect indifference to Scully. It didn't bother her either way if Scully had the abortion. She was there to help not to judge.
Scully was helped up onto the theatre bed where she sat momentarily as the doctor explained the procedure once more. Scully began to breathe deeply. She was worried. As a Catholic she shouldn't be doing this… she had to though. It was an alien… she had to believe that.
The doctor sucked up the anaesthetic into a syringe. He asked Scully to lie down and took her hand in his own. They were cold, dead cold. The syringe made contact with the needle in the back of her hand.
* * * * * * *
2.20pm
Scully layback in the bath letting the heat drift through her soul easing the torment she was in. They had recommended a bath at the hospital. It would help her sleep apparently but the reverse had happened. Her mind had woken up completely. What had she done? Was she completely stupid? She had placed the ring back in its box upon the occasional table in the living room. Music resounded around the bathroom from her stereo. She was listening to some old songs on the radio. It was teenybopper stuff back then but brought back memories to her now. Above the music she heard the front door click. Sinking deeper into the tub she covered herself with bubbles.
Mulder saw the ring in its box. He could hear the music upstairs it wasn't regular Scully stuff. He hoped she was okay and wasn't too distressed at what she had done.
Slowly he mounted the stairs to her room following the music into the bathroom.
"Hi." He said taking in the sight of her wet, bare leg hanging over the edge of the bath.
"Hey."
"You okay?"
"I'm great."
"I take it that it went well then."
"Actually it didn't go at all!"
"What?" he looked at her in disbelief for a moment.
"I kept thinking about what you asked me. I did, I do want this baby Mulder. I just got so consumed with everything else that I forgot about what is important."
"Which is?"
"Us, me, you and Samantha. Our being a family and this
little one makes it complete!" touching her stomach she looked up and smiled at
him. Giving her a grin back he jumped feet first into the bath pulling her to
her feet. Mulder kissed Scully hungrily upon the lips.
"I love you Dana Scully and I am going to marry you. Now put this damn ring
back on." With shaky fingers Mulder placed the ring in its rightful place. She grinned
before hugging him. He kissed her again easing her back against the bath. She pulled
him down with her the water lapping around them both. She pulled at his shirt
as he brushed her wet hair from her face. She could feel his arousal as she
unzipped his trousers. Scully struggled to move them against his wet skin but
managed to in the end. Hooking her legs over the edges of the bath she pulled Mulder
against her. She didn't say anything just kissed him hard on the lips. As she
buried her face into his neck her thrust hard into her making her gasp for
breath. Groans escaped her lips as they collided into each other. The music
thumping from the radio set their rhythm and before long Scully was clawing at Mulder's
back with her nails as she came to her peak, closely followed by Mulder. They
left the bathroom at five minutes to three Scully's legs shaking. The radio
began playing 'Christina Aguilera's Dirrty which made
Scully laugh. Mulder looked at her for a second.
"Bathrooms are meant for getting clean!" Mulder winked at her, putting a towel over her head.
