Warcraft III: The Antarctic Toilet
By Agent Smith
---
Somewhere on the eastern side of the Sunken Ruins...
Illidan: Yes! I win!!! I captured the Eye of Sargeras!
Lady Vashj: Umm, Lord Illidan...
Illidan: What is it?
Lady Vashj: That isn't exactly the 'Eye' of Sargeras.
Illidan: OH? Then what is it, smartass?
Lady Vashj: It's more of... The Left Testicle.
Illidan: Really? And how do you know this...?
Lady Vashj: ...Shut up.
Meanwhile, a Naga guard slithered in...
Naga: Lord Illidan! Priestess Tyrande and Malfurion Stormrage have arrived!
Illidan: Tyrande... My one true love... Vashj, assemble the forces and kill them all.
Lady Vashj: Yes master.
Illidan: And as for you, anonymous Naga guard #339283...
Naga Guard #339254: It's #339254 actually.. What?
Illidan: You can DIE NOW! *Slices the guard in half*
Lady Vashj: Do you really have to kill a henchmen every time one of them talks to you?
---
Elsewhere on the island...
Maiev: Where is that runner? She should have been back by now.
Night Elf Extra: Um... She left 15 minutes ago...
Another wave of Naga come after them.
Maiev: Oh no! More Naga, we can't hold another wave!
Night Elf Extra: Perhaps because you've been massing Archers all day without teching up to Tier 2?
Maiev: Shut up, I know what I'm doing. Damn extras, I miss Naisha already.
Just as all seemed lost, Tyrande and Malfurion Stormrage arrived!
Maiev: Hello losers... And Shan'do Stormrage.
Tyrande: I'm the only one here besides the Shan'do and these anonymous extras... You dissing me?
Maiev: You dumb bitch, you killed my guards and freed Illidan, and now he is on a rampage!
Tyrande's Tiger: CAT FIGHT
Malfurion: Silence! Now's not the time, we have to capture Illidan before he destroys the world!
Maiev: Good plan, Shan'do Stormrage.
Malfurion: Thanks! And it's Shampoo Stormrage by the way!
Maiev: ..What?
Naga: Ahahahahaa! Fools! I'll kill you all!
Malfurion squirts a bottle of shampoo in the Naga's eyes.
Naga: OH GOD! MY EYES! IM VISUAL CHALLENGED NOW!!!
Malfurion: See? Effective!
Maiev: Whatever, let's go.
They r0x0r the Naga base. In the midst of battle, Tyrande disappears to confront Illidan.
Tyrande: Illidan! Stop this madness, it's over!
Illidan: Now, it's only just begun!
A Naga Guard throws a net at Tyrande.
Illidan: Now it's time for the rape scene.
Conviently, Malfurion and Maiev show up.
Malfurion: You aren't going to rape my bitch as long as I'm here, Illidan! *frees Tyrande*
Illidan: Damn it. Oh well, as long as I still have the power... OF THE LEFT TESTICLE OF SARGERAS...
Malfurion, Tyrande, and Maiev break out laughing.
Illidan: Stop it! No! I won't be laughed at! You're laughing WITH me! Yes, that it's it, WITH me!
Maiev: Hahahaa. No.
Illidan: Damn it! My... pride... Oh well, all the more reason to destroy the world. Later, assholes.
Illidan runs off... directly into a tree.
Illidan: Damn it! Forgot my cane.
Illidan wacks the cane around and finds a ship, which he uses it to escape.
Maiev: Damn it, he got away somehow. Let's chase him across the ocean.
The trio run across the ocean.
---
Several days later, on Lordaeron...
Maiev: What a strange place...
Tyrande: Where are we?
They search around to find a bar.... The Silverpine Mens Club, that is.
Malfurion: You two go on ahead in... I need to go... Um... "Commune" with the forests. *runs off*
Tyrande and Maiev go inside, and see a bunch of Blood Elf priests. As they enter the bar, the get some wierd looks from some of the more burly members. They also notice there is not a women in site, with the exception of the occasional mannish woman.
Maiev: Uhhh, I think we better leave...
Just then, the blood mage Kael-thas walks up to them, wearing red spandex.
Kael: Hey there! What are you two silly bears doing in here?
Maiev: Umm.. We are looking for a muscular guy with two horns and goat feet...
Kael: Ohhh, he sounds delicious... Err, I mean, I'll help you find that goose! But you have to help me...
Tyrande: What do you want us to do?
Kael: Escort a train to the Dalaran ruins.
Tyrande: Gah, alright.
Maiev: We're wasting time!
Tyrande: Shut up you bitch, he's probably there anyways!
Maiev: Why you...
Kael: Whoa whoa whoa! Ease down, us sisters shouldn't fight!
Maiev: Fine. Let's go. Where is this "train" anyways?
Blood Elf Priests: Over here! All aboard the man train!
Maiev: I hate this continent already.
---
As the "man train" chugs down the Lordaeron landscape, Maiev and Tyrande notice an eerie silence outside of the large burly blood elf men singing Village People.
Maiev: Grr... Tyrande, I was going to kill you for murdering my guards. But for this... I'm going to kill you until you DIE from it.
Tyrande: Yeah sure, you aren't even level 10 yet.
However, unbenounced to the group, the Undead were spying on them...
Ghoul: Friggin 'mos!
Abomination: Excuse me, but that was very unaccounted for, Ghoul. Homosexuality is just a sexual preference, and you have no right to hate them for what they are. Are you some sort of homophobe?
Ghoul: Yes I am! *attacks Abomination*
Abomination: Hah. How foolish of you. Your attack power is almost as pathetic as your grammar. Are you some sort of jingoist? Are you trembling before my slew of intelligent words that I copied off various internet discussion boards? Hah. Pathetic. Err... *notices HP is at 10* I guess the jocks at my high school were right, I AM all talk and no action... Damn it, I'll never be able to act like a bad ass on the internet again, and I'm still a virgin, not suprisingly. Oh the world!
The Abomination is killed.
Ghoul: Alright, let's attack!
The Undead emerge from the forests and buildings and attack the man train.
Kael: Oh! Stop that! Stop that you silly geese!
Tyrande: Go on, I'll use Starfall on the bridge like an idiot!
The Blood Elves and Maiev reach the other side of the bridge, while Tyrande casts star fall.
Ghoul: ARRGH!!!
Undead Player: U FUCKING N00BFALL CHEESER
The bridge breaks under Tyrande, causing her to be swept away by the river.
Tyrande: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Crap.
Kael: Oh my eye! Tyrande is dead!
Maiev: YES! Now Illidan will fall for me! Err.. I mean...
Kael: Hehe... Someones gotta little crush...
Maiev: Shut up, fag.
---
Meanwhile, in the middle of the Silverpine forest, the ground began to shake.
Malfurion: Oh no, and Azerothquake! Come, spirits, and show me what is causing this!
The Spirits showed him a vision of Northrend getting owned by the earthquake.
Malfurion: Damn, the Lich King must be throwing one hell of a party! And he didn't even invite me... That asshole! I'll just have to use that artifact Illidan stole to destroy Northrend!
Spirit: That IS what Illidan is doing, dumbass!
Malfurion: Illidan is trying to break up the party?!? He must be stopped!
Malfurion ran off toward Dalaran while the spirits detonated in frustration.
---
At Dalaran...
Illidan: Quickly, we must use the Left Testicle of Sargeras to destroy Northrend and end the scourge forever!
Naga Summoners: Um, Lord Illidan... We're over here.
Illidan: *turns to face them* Err, right.
Lady Vashj: Lord Illidan?
Illidan: What, what, WHAT? Can't you see I'm busy?
Lady Vashj: Um, you've been blinding stumbling around here for the past 3 hours now.
Illidan: Yeah... Exactly...
Lady Vashj: Anyways, Maiev has reached Dalaran.
Illidan: And Tyrande?
Lady Vashj: I think she's dead.
Illidan: Tyrande!? Dead!? NOOO, my one true love!
Lady Vashj: Uhh, I thought Arthas was your one true love?
Illidan: Who told you that?
Lady Vashj: You did. You talk in your sleep.
Illidan: I did!? That loud mouthed bastard! I outta slap me... Err, I mean, he lied.
Lady Vashj: You lied?
Illidan: You calling me a liar?
---
Just after that shocking revelation, Malfurion arrived at Maiev's base camp.
Maiev: Shampoo Stormrage... Tyrande is dead...
Malfurion: What!? How..?
Maiev: Umm... She was... Shot... Repeatedly... In the face... By, uh... the police.
Malfurion: Why?
Maiev: For being a bitch.
Malfurion: Why do I for some reason not believe you?
Maiev: Denial is the most predictable reaction. Anyways, Illidan is nearby and must be stopped, or his spell will destroy the world!
Malfurion: Oh fine, we'll worry about the fate of my one true love later.
---
After completely annihilating Illidan's Naga forces, they find Illidan and the summoners.
Illidan: Hahaha! Take that Lich King! Feel the power of the Left Testicle of Sargeras!
Kael'thas was already feeling it.
Maiev: Stop right there Illidan!
Illidan: *facing the other direction* What? No!
Maiev groaned and tapped him on his shoulder. Illidan jumped a mile.
Illidan: Jesus! It's not right to sneak up on a blind person!
Maiev: And it's not right to destroy the home of the number one source of evil remaining on this planet!
Maiev's forces kill the summoners.
Illidan: You hypocrite! Those summoners had family... Children... You should be ashamed!
Maiev: Silence! For recklessly endangering blah blah blah, I sentence you to death! Good bye!
Illidan: Wait! I can help you save Tyrande!
Malfurion: But Maiev said she was dead!
Kael: Back up the bus there, big boy! Tyrande was swept down a river, she might still be alive...
Malfurion: Maiev, you said she was shot!
Maiev: Did you really believe that, Shampoo Stormrage?
Illidan: Enough, we must go and rescue her!
Narrator: Will Malfurion ever see Tyrande again? Will Illidam expose his true love to Arthas? Find out on the next episode of... Antarctic Toilet Threeeee!
By Agent Smith
---
Somewhere on the eastern side of the Sunken Ruins...
Illidan: Yes! I win!!! I captured the Eye of Sargeras!
Lady Vashj: Umm, Lord Illidan...
Illidan: What is it?
Lady Vashj: That isn't exactly the 'Eye' of Sargeras.
Illidan: OH? Then what is it, smartass?
Lady Vashj: It's more of... The Left Testicle.
Illidan: Really? And how do you know this...?
Lady Vashj: ...Shut up.
Meanwhile, a Naga guard slithered in...
Naga: Lord Illidan! Priestess Tyrande and Malfurion Stormrage have arrived!
Illidan: Tyrande... My one true love... Vashj, assemble the forces and kill them all.
Lady Vashj: Yes master.
Illidan: And as for you, anonymous Naga guard #339283...
Naga Guard #339254: It's #339254 actually.. What?
Illidan: You can DIE NOW! *Slices the guard in half*
Lady Vashj: Do you really have to kill a henchmen every time one of them talks to you?
---
Elsewhere on the island...
Maiev: Where is that runner? She should have been back by now.
Night Elf Extra: Um... She left 15 minutes ago...
Another wave of Naga come after them.
Maiev: Oh no! More Naga, we can't hold another wave!
Night Elf Extra: Perhaps because you've been massing Archers all day without teching up to Tier 2?
Maiev: Shut up, I know what I'm doing. Damn extras, I miss Naisha already.
Just as all seemed lost, Tyrande and Malfurion Stormrage arrived!
Maiev: Hello losers... And Shan'do Stormrage.
Tyrande: I'm the only one here besides the Shan'do and these anonymous extras... You dissing me?
Maiev: You dumb bitch, you killed my guards and freed Illidan, and now he is on a rampage!
Tyrande's Tiger: CAT FIGHT
Malfurion: Silence! Now's not the time, we have to capture Illidan before he destroys the world!
Maiev: Good plan, Shan'do Stormrage.
Malfurion: Thanks! And it's Shampoo Stormrage by the way!
Maiev: ..What?
Naga: Ahahahahaa! Fools! I'll kill you all!
Malfurion squirts a bottle of shampoo in the Naga's eyes.
Naga: OH GOD! MY EYES! IM VISUAL CHALLENGED NOW!!!
Malfurion: See? Effective!
Maiev: Whatever, let's go.
They r0x0r the Naga base. In the midst of battle, Tyrande disappears to confront Illidan.
Tyrande: Illidan! Stop this madness, it's over!
Illidan: Now, it's only just begun!
A Naga Guard throws a net at Tyrande.
Illidan: Now it's time for the rape scene.
Conviently, Malfurion and Maiev show up.
Malfurion: You aren't going to rape my bitch as long as I'm here, Illidan! *frees Tyrande*
Illidan: Damn it. Oh well, as long as I still have the power... OF THE LEFT TESTICLE OF SARGERAS...
Malfurion, Tyrande, and Maiev break out laughing.
Illidan: Stop it! No! I won't be laughed at! You're laughing WITH me! Yes, that it's it, WITH me!
Maiev: Hahahaa. No.
Illidan: Damn it! My... pride... Oh well, all the more reason to destroy the world. Later, assholes.
Illidan runs off... directly into a tree.
Illidan: Damn it! Forgot my cane.
Illidan wacks the cane around and finds a ship, which he uses it to escape.
Maiev: Damn it, he got away somehow. Let's chase him across the ocean.
The trio run across the ocean.
---
Several days later, on Lordaeron...
Maiev: What a strange place...
Tyrande: Where are we?
They search around to find a bar.... The Silverpine Mens Club, that is.
Malfurion: You two go on ahead in... I need to go... Um... "Commune" with the forests. *runs off*
Tyrande and Maiev go inside, and see a bunch of Blood Elf priests. As they enter the bar, the get some wierd looks from some of the more burly members. They also notice there is not a women in site, with the exception of the occasional mannish woman.
Maiev: Uhhh, I think we better leave...
Just then, the blood mage Kael-thas walks up to them, wearing red spandex.
Kael: Hey there! What are you two silly bears doing in here?
Maiev: Umm.. We are looking for a muscular guy with two horns and goat feet...
Kael: Ohhh, he sounds delicious... Err, I mean, I'll help you find that goose! But you have to help me...
Tyrande: What do you want us to do?
Kael: Escort a train to the Dalaran ruins.
Tyrande: Gah, alright.
Maiev: We're wasting time!
Tyrande: Shut up you bitch, he's probably there anyways!
Maiev: Why you...
Kael: Whoa whoa whoa! Ease down, us sisters shouldn't fight!
Maiev: Fine. Let's go. Where is this "train" anyways?
Blood Elf Priests: Over here! All aboard the man train!
Maiev: I hate this continent already.
---
As the "man train" chugs down the Lordaeron landscape, Maiev and Tyrande notice an eerie silence outside of the large burly blood elf men singing Village People.
Maiev: Grr... Tyrande, I was going to kill you for murdering my guards. But for this... I'm going to kill you until you DIE from it.
Tyrande: Yeah sure, you aren't even level 10 yet.
However, unbenounced to the group, the Undead were spying on them...
Ghoul: Friggin 'mos!
Abomination: Excuse me, but that was very unaccounted for, Ghoul. Homosexuality is just a sexual preference, and you have no right to hate them for what they are. Are you some sort of homophobe?
Ghoul: Yes I am! *attacks Abomination*
Abomination: Hah. How foolish of you. Your attack power is almost as pathetic as your grammar. Are you some sort of jingoist? Are you trembling before my slew of intelligent words that I copied off various internet discussion boards? Hah. Pathetic. Err... *notices HP is at 10* I guess the jocks at my high school were right, I AM all talk and no action... Damn it, I'll never be able to act like a bad ass on the internet again, and I'm still a virgin, not suprisingly. Oh the world!
The Abomination is killed.
Ghoul: Alright, let's attack!
The Undead emerge from the forests and buildings and attack the man train.
Kael: Oh! Stop that! Stop that you silly geese!
Tyrande: Go on, I'll use Starfall on the bridge like an idiot!
The Blood Elves and Maiev reach the other side of the bridge, while Tyrande casts star fall.
Ghoul: ARRGH!!!
Undead Player: U FUCKING N00BFALL CHEESER
The bridge breaks under Tyrande, causing her to be swept away by the river.
Tyrande: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Crap.
Kael: Oh my eye! Tyrande is dead!
Maiev: YES! Now Illidan will fall for me! Err.. I mean...
Kael: Hehe... Someones gotta little crush...
Maiev: Shut up, fag.
---
Meanwhile, in the middle of the Silverpine forest, the ground began to shake.
Malfurion: Oh no, and Azerothquake! Come, spirits, and show me what is causing this!
The Spirits showed him a vision of Northrend getting owned by the earthquake.
Malfurion: Damn, the Lich King must be throwing one hell of a party! And he didn't even invite me... That asshole! I'll just have to use that artifact Illidan stole to destroy Northrend!
Spirit: That IS what Illidan is doing, dumbass!
Malfurion: Illidan is trying to break up the party?!? He must be stopped!
Malfurion ran off toward Dalaran while the spirits detonated in frustration.
---
At Dalaran...
Illidan: Quickly, we must use the Left Testicle of Sargeras to destroy Northrend and end the scourge forever!
Naga Summoners: Um, Lord Illidan... We're over here.
Illidan: *turns to face them* Err, right.
Lady Vashj: Lord Illidan?
Illidan: What, what, WHAT? Can't you see I'm busy?
Lady Vashj: Um, you've been blinding stumbling around here for the past 3 hours now.
Illidan: Yeah... Exactly...
Lady Vashj: Anyways, Maiev has reached Dalaran.
Illidan: And Tyrande?
Lady Vashj: I think she's dead.
Illidan: Tyrande!? Dead!? NOOO, my one true love!
Lady Vashj: Uhh, I thought Arthas was your one true love?
Illidan: Who told you that?
Lady Vashj: You did. You talk in your sleep.
Illidan: I did!? That loud mouthed bastard! I outta slap me... Err, I mean, he lied.
Lady Vashj: You lied?
Illidan: You calling me a liar?
---
Just after that shocking revelation, Malfurion arrived at Maiev's base camp.
Maiev: Shampoo Stormrage... Tyrande is dead...
Malfurion: What!? How..?
Maiev: Umm... She was... Shot... Repeatedly... In the face... By, uh... the police.
Malfurion: Why?
Maiev: For being a bitch.
Malfurion: Why do I for some reason not believe you?
Maiev: Denial is the most predictable reaction. Anyways, Illidan is nearby and must be stopped, or his spell will destroy the world!
Malfurion: Oh fine, we'll worry about the fate of my one true love later.
---
After completely annihilating Illidan's Naga forces, they find Illidan and the summoners.
Illidan: Hahaha! Take that Lich King! Feel the power of the Left Testicle of Sargeras!
Kael'thas was already feeling it.
Maiev: Stop right there Illidan!
Illidan: *facing the other direction* What? No!
Maiev groaned and tapped him on his shoulder. Illidan jumped a mile.
Illidan: Jesus! It's not right to sneak up on a blind person!
Maiev: And it's not right to destroy the home of the number one source of evil remaining on this planet!
Maiev's forces kill the summoners.
Illidan: You hypocrite! Those summoners had family... Children... You should be ashamed!
Maiev: Silence! For recklessly endangering blah blah blah, I sentence you to death! Good bye!
Illidan: Wait! I can help you save Tyrande!
Malfurion: But Maiev said she was dead!
Kael: Back up the bus there, big boy! Tyrande was swept down a river, she might still be alive...
Malfurion: Maiev, you said she was shot!
Maiev: Did you really believe that, Shampoo Stormrage?
Illidan: Enough, we must go and rescue her!
Narrator: Will Malfurion ever see Tyrande again? Will Illidam expose his true love to Arthas? Find out on the next episode of... Antarctic Toilet Threeeee!
