Warcraft III: The Antarctic Toilet

By Agent Smith

---

Somewhere on the eastern side of the Sunken Ruins...

Illidan: Yes! I win!!! I captured the Eye of Sargeras!

Lady Vashj: Umm, Lord Illidan...

Illidan: What is it?

Lady Vashj: That isn't exactly the 'Eye' of Sargeras.

Illidan: OH? Then what is it, smartass?

Lady Vashj: It's more of... The Left Testicle.

Illidan: Really? And how do you know this...?

Lady Vashj: ...Shut up.

Meanwhile, a Naga guard slithered in...

Naga: Lord Illidan! Priestess Tyrande and Malfurion Stormrage have arrived!

Illidan: Tyrande... My one true love... Vashj, assemble the forces and kill them all.

Lady Vashj: Yes master.

Illidan: And as for you, anonymous Naga guard #339283...

Naga Guard #339254: It's #339254 actually.. What?

Illidan: You can DIE NOW! *Slices the guard in half*

Lady Vashj: Do you really have to kill a henchmen every time one of them talks to you?

---

Elsewhere on the island...

Maiev: Where is that runner? She should have been back by now.

Night Elf Extra: Um... She left 15 minutes ago...

Another wave of Naga come after them.

Maiev: Oh no! More Naga, we can't hold another wave!

Night Elf Extra: Perhaps because you've been massing Archers all day without teching up to Tier 2?

Maiev: Shut up, I know what I'm doing. Damn extras, I miss Naisha already.

Just as all seemed lost, Tyrande and Malfurion Stormrage arrived!

Maiev: Hello losers... And Shan'do Stormrage.

Tyrande: I'm the only one here besides the Shan'do and these anonymous extras... You dissing me?

Maiev: You dumb bitch, you killed my guards and freed Illidan, and now he is on a rampage!

Tyrande's Tiger: CAT FIGHT

Malfurion: Silence! Now's not the time, we have to capture Illidan before he destroys the world!

Maiev: Good plan, Shan'do Stormrage.

Malfurion: Thanks! And it's Shampoo Stormrage by the way!

Maiev: ..What?

Naga: Ahahahahaa! Fools! I'll kill you all!

Malfurion squirts a bottle of shampoo in the Naga's eyes.

Naga: OH GOD! MY EYES! IM VISUAL CHALLENGED NOW!!!

Malfurion: See? Effective!

Maiev: Whatever, let's go.

They r0x0r the Naga base. In the midst of battle, Tyrande disappears to confront Illidan.

Tyrande: Illidan! Stop this madness, it's over!

Illidan: Now, it's only just begun!

A Naga Guard throws a net at Tyrande.

Illidan: Now it's time for the rape scene.

Conviently, Malfurion and Maiev show up.

Malfurion: You aren't going to rape my bitch as long as I'm here, Illidan! *frees Tyrande*

Illidan: Damn it. Oh well, as long as I still have the power... OF THE LEFT TESTICLE OF SARGERAS...

Malfurion, Tyrande, and Maiev break out laughing.

Illidan: Stop it! No! I won't be laughed at! You're laughing WITH me! Yes, that it's it, WITH me!

Maiev: Hahahaa. No.

Illidan: Damn it! My... pride... Oh well, all the more reason to destroy the world. Later, assholes.

Illidan runs off... directly into a tree.

Illidan: Damn it! Forgot my cane.

Illidan wacks the cane around and finds a ship, which he uses it to escape.

Maiev: Damn it, he got away somehow. Let's chase him across the ocean.

The trio run across the ocean.

---

Several days later, on Lordaeron...

Maiev: What a strange place...

Tyrande: Where are we?

They search around to find a bar.... The Silverpine Mens Club, that is.

Malfurion: You two go on ahead in... I need to go... Um... "Commune" with the forests. *runs off*

Tyrande and Maiev go inside, and see a bunch of Blood Elf priests. As they enter the bar, the get some wierd looks from some of the more burly members. They also notice there is not a women in site, with the exception of the occasional mannish woman.

Maiev: Uhhh, I think we better leave...

Just then, the blood mage Kael-thas walks up to them, wearing red spandex.

Kael: Hey there! What are you two silly bears doing in here?

Maiev: Umm.. We are looking for a muscular guy with two horns and goat feet...

Kael: Ohhh, he sounds delicious... Err, I mean, I'll help you find that goose! But you have to help me...

Tyrande: What do you want us to do?

Kael: Escort a train to the Dalaran ruins.

Tyrande: Gah, alright.

Maiev: We're wasting time!

Tyrande: Shut up you bitch, he's probably there anyways!

Maiev: Why you...

Kael: Whoa whoa whoa! Ease down, us sisters shouldn't fight!

Maiev: Fine. Let's go. Where is this "train" anyways?

Blood Elf Priests: Over here! All aboard the man train!

Maiev: I hate this continent already.

---

As the "man train" chugs down the Lordaeron landscape, Maiev and Tyrande notice an eerie silence outside of the large burly blood elf men singing Village People.

Maiev: Grr... Tyrande, I was going to kill you for murdering my guards. But for this... I'm going to kill you until you DIE from it.

Tyrande: Yeah sure, you aren't even level 10 yet.

However, unbenounced to the group, the Undead were spying on them...

Ghoul: Friggin 'mos!

Abomination: Excuse me, but that was very unaccounted for, Ghoul. Homosexuality is just a sexual preference, and you have no right to hate them for what they are. Are you some sort of homophobe?

Ghoul: Yes I am! *attacks Abomination*

Abomination: Hah. How foolish of you. Your attack power is almost as pathetic as your grammar. Are you some sort of jingoist? Are you trembling before my slew of intelligent words that I copied off various internet discussion boards? Hah. Pathetic. Err... *notices HP is at 10* I guess the jocks at my high school were right, I AM all talk and no action... Damn it, I'll never be able to act like a bad ass on the internet again, and I'm still a virgin, not suprisingly. Oh the world!

The Abomination is killed.

Ghoul: Alright, let's attack!

The Undead emerge from the forests and buildings and attack the man train.

Kael: Oh! Stop that! Stop that you silly geese!

Tyrande: Go on, I'll use Starfall on the bridge like an idiot!

The Blood Elves and Maiev reach the other side of the bridge, while Tyrande casts star fall.

Ghoul: ARRGH!!!

Undead Player: U FUCKING N00BFALL CHEESER

The bridge breaks under Tyrande, causing her to be swept away by the river.

Tyrande: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Crap.

Kael: Oh my eye! Tyrande is dead!

Maiev: YES! Now Illidan will fall for me! Err.. I mean...

Kael: Hehe... Someones gotta little crush...

Maiev: Shut up, fag.

---

Meanwhile, in the middle of the Silverpine forest, the ground began to shake.

Malfurion: Oh no, and Azerothquake! Come, spirits, and show me what is causing this!

The Spirits showed him a vision of Northrend getting owned by the earthquake.

Malfurion: Damn, the Lich King must be throwing one hell of a party! And he didn't even invite me... That asshole! I'll just have to use that artifact Illidan stole to destroy Northrend!

Spirit: That IS what Illidan is doing, dumbass!

Malfurion: Illidan is trying to break up the party?!? He must be stopped!

Malfurion ran off toward Dalaran while the spirits detonated in frustration.

---

At Dalaran...

Illidan: Quickly, we must use the Left Testicle of Sargeras to destroy Northrend and end the scourge forever!

Naga Summoners: Um, Lord Illidan... We're over here.

Illidan: *turns to face them* Err, right.

Lady Vashj: Lord Illidan?

Illidan: What, what, WHAT? Can't you see I'm busy?

Lady Vashj: Um, you've been blinding stumbling around here for the past 3 hours now.

Illidan: Yeah... Exactly...

Lady Vashj: Anyways, Maiev has reached Dalaran.

Illidan: And Tyrande?

Lady Vashj: I think she's dead.

Illidan: Tyrande!? Dead!? NOOO, my one true love!

Lady Vashj: Uhh, I thought Arthas was your one true love?

Illidan: Who told you that?

Lady Vashj: You did. You talk in your sleep.

Illidan: I did!? That loud mouthed bastard! I outta slap me... Err, I mean, he lied.

Lady Vashj: You lied?

Illidan: You calling me a liar?

---

Just after that shocking revelation, Malfurion arrived at Maiev's base camp.

Maiev: Shampoo Stormrage... Tyrande is dead...

Malfurion: What!? How..?

Maiev: Umm... She was... Shot... Repeatedly... In the face... By, uh... the police.

Malfurion: Why?

Maiev: For being a bitch.

Malfurion: Why do I for some reason not believe you?

Maiev: Denial is the most predictable reaction. Anyways, Illidan is nearby and must be stopped, or his spell will destroy the world!

Malfurion: Oh fine, we'll worry about the fate of my one true love later.

---

After completely annihilating Illidan's Naga forces, they find Illidan and the summoners.

Illidan: Hahaha! Take that Lich King! Feel the power of the Left Testicle of Sargeras!

Kael'thas was already feeling it.

Maiev: Stop right there Illidan!

Illidan: *facing the other direction* What? No!

Maiev groaned and tapped him on his shoulder. Illidan jumped a mile.

Illidan: Jesus! It's not right to sneak up on a blind person!

Maiev: And it's not right to destroy the home of the number one source of evil remaining on this planet!

Maiev's forces kill the summoners.

Illidan: You hypocrite! Those summoners had family... Children... You should be ashamed!

Maiev: Silence! For recklessly endangering blah blah blah, I sentence you to death! Good bye!

Illidan: Wait! I can help you save Tyrande!

Malfurion: But Maiev said she was dead!

Kael: Back up the bus there, big boy! Tyrande was swept down a river, she might still be alive...

Malfurion: Maiev, you said she was shot!

Maiev: Did you really believe that, Shampoo Stormrage?

Illidan: Enough, we must go and rescue her!

Narrator: Will Malfurion ever see Tyrande again? Will Illidam expose his true love to Arthas? Find out on the next episode of... Antarctic Toilet Threeeee!