17. Worst memories
Snape was watching a bubbling mixture with satisfaction. It went better than he could expect. From the beginning he suspected hydra venom would be a component of the Morsanguis Potion most difficult to get. He knew it wasn't an easy task. Hydra's seats had been closely monitoring by the Ministry. The venom was too powerful poison to let it fall into the wrong hands. Even Milagros didn't want to undertake such a risky work.
But meanwhile the solution came as a blessing. Who could have foreseen that Albus Dumbledore himself would ask for a supply of hydra venom. Severus smiled gloomily. What's an irony... And how unexpected profit from the gargoyles' attack. No one else but Snape prepared several bottles of Vivimortis antidote that helped to save Potter. And no one else but the Potion Master 'took care' of a few drops of the hydra venom which had left on the bottom.
Severus removed the cauldron from the fire, stirred the mixture and nodded with content. It was almost ready. There was only one component left...
. . .
Snape was climbing up the winding stairs of the northern tower, counting the steps - a habit from the school times. He pushed a wooden door and entered an open terrace, breathing a cool air. He always liked that place. He often spent a whole night on the tower, lost in thoughts and memories.
Something moved behind his back and Severus realised that somebody else was on the terrace. He turned round and saw a figure leant on the wall. He recognised her at once.
'Vega...' he said surprised 'I didn't know you were here. Sorry, I'm leaving already...'
'You can stay,' said the witch still watching the night scenery 'You don't disturb me.'
Severus hesitated but then he approached the wall on the opposite side of the terrace. For several minutes nobody spoke. Finally Severus took his eyes off dark water of the lake and looked at Vega.
'I like this tower,' he said softly 'I always have a feeling that I could see the whole world from here.'
'Yes, a view is really splendid,' said the Auror.
Severus crossed the terrace and stood next to her.
'Do you remember when he were here together for the last time?' he asked gently.
Vega turned round, her eyes were burning.
'Do I remember?' she hissed looking at Snape piercingly 'How could I forget?!'
***(June 30th, 1978)
'Sev, I don't know how I would bear next year at Hogwart' said Vega desperately 'Without you, without Sirius. I will be bored stiff.'
'It won't be so bad,' smiled Snape. 'I'll leave you 'The Dark Arts in Outline'...though you know it by heart. Besides I will be writing.'
'It's not the same,' Vega was still disconsolate 'People from my class are ok. but none of them would ever go out from the dormitory at night. I will not even mention casting the forbidden curses.'
Severus became serious at once.
'Vega, you must promise,' he said firmly putting his hand on the girl's shoulder 'that you will not try to reflect Avada Kedavra any more. Don't use this curse at all, even with the spiders.'
Determination glinted in his black eyes. Vega was looking at him without a word.
'I have enough of the Killing Curse by now,' she said finally 'Though I still believe that it was worth to take risk...to convince myself...'
Severus stared at her gloomily with a strange pain.
'You don't know how I felt then,' he said dully 'When you were lying on the floor, blood-stained. I thought you were dead. And that's why I want you to promise,' his fingers clenched on Vega's arm 'that you will not try it again.'
Vega gazed at him slightly amazed and something like tenderness twinkled in her grey eyes. She turned round and looked over the walls.
'All right, Sev,' she said 'But you will promise me something, too. Swear that when you leave Hogwart you will not join the Death Eaters.'
The silence fell. Vega was still staring at the sky.
'What are you talking about?' asked Snape at last.
Vega laughed sneeringly.
'Are you surprised I ask about it?' she turned round impetuously and fixed her burning eyes on Severus 'I overheard Dumbledore. Last years dozen or so Slytherins joined Voldemort. I'm sure Malfoy was one of them. And he is you mate. Beside some people from your class don't even conceal what they are going to do after Hogwart.'
'And what of it?' Severus bridled up 'It doesn't mean I will do the same. Beside, it was you not them who studied the Dark Arts with me. YOU used an Unforgivable Curse against Lucius. So maybe I could ask YOU whether you're going to join the Death Eaters.'
Vega's face twisted in rage. She pushed back from the wall and began to pace through the terrace, every now and then casting a dark look at Severus.
'If you want to know' she said dryly 'I can see no reason to join Lord Voldemort. To get power? I don't need any master for that. The Dark Arts fascinate me for themselves. They're splendid since are difficult and need character, obstinacy, courage. I will study them without the Dark Lord and who knows, maybe one day I become as powerful as him.'
She paused and stopped suddenly. Snape was looking at her like bewitched with an expression of mingled bewilderment and admiration on his face.
'I wouldn't surprise if you do that,' he said 'I always knew you had great talents Don't quarrel,' he said conciliatorily 'this is the last evening.'
'Promise?' asked Vega persistently though a look of here grey eyes was much warmer.
Severus smiled.
'Vi, don't you know I'll do everything for you?' he came near the girl and hugged her 'I promise.' he said softly and kissed her.***
'And where are your promises now?' drawled the Auror with an icy sneer 'You swore, in that place, you would never become a Death Eater. And what?!' she grasped Snape's arm and roughly pulled up a sleeve of his robes. 'Here is the proof how much your words are worth !'
Severus turned pale and moved back his hand. He has never seen in Vega's eyes so much hatred and contempt. What could he tell her? He couldn't change the past.
'They told me to forgive you' Vega's soft voice was cold as a breath of death 'You betrayed Voldemort, didn't you? You returned on our side' she laughed gloomily 'You deserves the second chance...'
She turned round and looked at the starry sky. Severus was silent.
'I could forgive you many things, Severus,' whispered Vega 'Your service for the Dark Lord, tortures, death of those poor Muggle. Meralin's Beard!' she cried desperately 'I would even forgive you that you had been at Remus house that night! If he was able to forget maybe I also could. But there is something I will never forgive you' she turned back, her half-closed eyes were piercing Snape like two silver blades 'That you became a Death Eater though you had promised me you wouldn't.'
Severus was looking at her, pale and rigid. His face expressed deep bitterness and resignation.
'I promised, that's true,' he said softly in a flat voice 'I believed, like you did, that I would keep my word. But then I became a Death Eater...' he sighed and looked sadly at the witch 'You never asked me why I did it...'
'Does it matter?' snarled Vega though there was something in Snape's black eyes that made her to shudder 'You just did it.'
Snape smiled gloomily.
'Maybe it really doesn't matter,' he said dryly 'But I will tell you. I want you to know. Maybe then you will...will be able to forgive me.'
Vega looked surprised but she didn't say a word.
'As you remember, we left Hogwart next morning after our last meeting,' said Snape without emotion 'The same evening I was at home. Old, gloomy castle...' he sighed heavily 'But still home. When I apparated on the yard the first thing I noticed was a strange, unnatural silence. No bird was singing, I couldn't hear the ghuls howling. As if the whole world has been expecting something horrible... I looked around and my heart sank. The yard looked as if the storm had attacked it. Everywhere there were lying crushed stones, broken furniture and lot of other objects, clearly thrown from the upper windows. In the middle of the yard a pyre was burning. I came closer and saw charred covers of the books, the only things left from our splendid library. Full of fear and the worst feelings I run upstairs and dashed into my mother's room. She was there...' his voice shook 'She was lying in a pool of blood, on the floor soiled with the muddy shoes. I couldn't believe my eyes. I approached her and then...I saw a wooden picket stuck in her heart...' he stopped talking and clenched his fingers on the wall.
Vega was staring at him horror-struck.
'I knew who had killed my mother,' continued Snape 'Only a Muggle could invent a picket. They believe that it's a way of killing a vampire,' an expression of mournful sneer appeared on his face.
'But...why?' whispered Vega.
Severus sighed.
'My mother used to engage in the Dark Arts,' he said 'And she often needed a blood... No, not human one,' he added hastily at the look of Vega's eyes 'Animal blood was enough. Cows and sheep used to disappear... And people in the village started to believe that the vampires lived in the Devil's Nest. I don't know what was a direct cause of their action,' he said sadly 'But one day they decided to finish the inhabitants of castle once for ever.'
The wind blew and clouds came from the east, covering the stars.
'I knew when to look for the murderers,' Snape's black eyes flashed fit hatred 'I apparated in the village and I asked about the men who had killed the vampire. Three Muggles, completely drunk, rolled out from the inn. The had still dry mud and blood on their shoes. I pulled out my wand and ...' he laughed horribly 'And next day I visited Lucius Malfoy and told him I wanted to join the Death Eaters. Now you know everything,' he finished looking at Vega.
Th witch was horror-struck, her grey eyes were piercing at Snape as if she wanted to see through him.
'Sev...' she said dully 'Why did you never tell me...?'
Snape was silently staring at the floor.
'WHY?!' cried Vega, seizing his arm an shaking him furiously 'If I had known... I would have understood! I lost my mother too!'
Severus couldn't say if there was more anger or despair in her voice.
'I wanted ...' he whispered 'Believe me, there was nothing I wished so much as to share that horrible burden with someone who was so close to me as you were...'
'So why didn't you do that?' Vega's voice shook.
Snape smiled with a grief.
'So many times I started to write a letter,' he said softly 'But then I always tore it since I thought I had no right to burden you with my problems. And then...' he sighed 'It was too late. I was too far in this. I was infatuated with hatred to Muggles, I believed in a historic mission of Lord Voldemort. I even wanted to win you over our side, with your talent you would achieve a lot,' he muttered 'But then you decided to be an Auror. And when you found out I was a Death Eater... I thought our ways parted for ever.' he sighed heavily 'Two years has passed. I was higher and higher in hierarchy, closer and closer to Lord Voldemort. That night when we appeared in the Lupins' house... I didn't know where we were going and why. Only when Sigismund Lupin arrived I understood. I never liked Remus but seeing his mother's body and massacred father I felt very uneasy. Then, unexpectedly, at least for me, Lord Voldemort apparated. He asked whether a guest had already arrived. It was clear we were waiting for somebody else... It was a full-moon. I knew Remus was a wolf. Lord told me to bring him from a cellar. I went down, thick walls muffled sounds perfectly and I didn't know what was happening upstairs. When I came back I saw you. I was petrified. And something broke in me. You were looking at us with such hatred... I felt like a trash.' he paused and rubbed his eyes 'Three weeks later I went to Dumbledore and told him I wanted to be his spy.'
He could feel Vega's fingers sticking harder and harder in his arm but he didn't do anything to stop it. Now, when he had finally thrown out from himself everything he had been stifling for so many years, he felt somehow free and cleared. He took a deep breath and looked at the witch. His eyes, always so clod, now twinkled with tenderness.
Suddenly a fiery bird shot over the tower and a shrill whistle cut a silence. Astonished wizards rose their heads.
'It's Fawkes,' said Vega looking at the circling phoenix with a growing anxiety 'Something must have happened.'
They run down the winding stairs and rushed to the Headmaster office. They found him pacing nervously up and down the room, his eyes fixed on a map hanging above the table.
'I have just talked to the Minister,' he informed them 'All megaports ceased to work. All energy had been cut from them. And this time it doesn't look like a short break-down.'
'What, the hell, it means?' Snape asked the question that bothered them all.
Heavy steps sounded on the stairs and office door opened with a bang. Hagrid was standing on the threshold, pale and shaking.
'Behemots...' he gasped out, breathing heavily and looking round with a terrified eyes 'Behemots disappeared!'
The wizard looked at each other.
'So it has begun!' said Dumbledore dully 'Now Voldemort can attack in any moment.'
Snape was watching a bubbling mixture with satisfaction. It went better than he could expect. From the beginning he suspected hydra venom would be a component of the Morsanguis Potion most difficult to get. He knew it wasn't an easy task. Hydra's seats had been closely monitoring by the Ministry. The venom was too powerful poison to let it fall into the wrong hands. Even Milagros didn't want to undertake such a risky work.
But meanwhile the solution came as a blessing. Who could have foreseen that Albus Dumbledore himself would ask for a supply of hydra venom. Severus smiled gloomily. What's an irony... And how unexpected profit from the gargoyles' attack. No one else but Snape prepared several bottles of Vivimortis antidote that helped to save Potter. And no one else but the Potion Master 'took care' of a few drops of the hydra venom which had left on the bottom.
Severus removed the cauldron from the fire, stirred the mixture and nodded with content. It was almost ready. There was only one component left...
Snape was climbing up the winding stairs of the northern tower, counting the steps - a habit from the school times. He pushed a wooden door and entered an open terrace, breathing a cool air. He always liked that place. He often spent a whole night on the tower, lost in thoughts and memories.
Something moved behind his back and Severus realised that somebody else was on the terrace. He turned round and saw a figure leant on the wall. He recognised her at once.
'Vega...' he said surprised 'I didn't know you were here. Sorry, I'm leaving already...'
'You can stay,' said the witch still watching the night scenery 'You don't disturb me.'
Severus hesitated but then he approached the wall on the opposite side of the terrace. For several minutes nobody spoke. Finally Severus took his eyes off dark water of the lake and looked at Vega.
'I like this tower,' he said softly 'I always have a feeling that I could see the whole world from here.'
'Yes, a view is really splendid,' said the Auror.
Severus crossed the terrace and stood next to her.
'Do you remember when he were here together for the last time?' he asked gently.
Vega turned round, her eyes were burning.
'Do I remember?' she hissed looking at Snape piercingly 'How could I forget?!'
***(June 30th, 1978)
'Sev, I don't know how I would bear next year at Hogwart' said Vega desperately 'Without you, without Sirius. I will be bored stiff.'
'It won't be so bad,' smiled Snape. 'I'll leave you 'The Dark Arts in Outline'...though you know it by heart. Besides I will be writing.'
'It's not the same,' Vega was still disconsolate 'People from my class are ok. but none of them would ever go out from the dormitory at night. I will not even mention casting the forbidden curses.'
Severus became serious at once.
'Vega, you must promise,' he said firmly putting his hand on the girl's shoulder 'that you will not try to reflect Avada Kedavra any more. Don't use this curse at all, even with the spiders.'
Determination glinted in his black eyes. Vega was looking at him without a word.
'I have enough of the Killing Curse by now,' she said finally 'Though I still believe that it was worth to take risk...to convince myself...'
Severus stared at her gloomily with a strange pain.
'You don't know how I felt then,' he said dully 'When you were lying on the floor, blood-stained. I thought you were dead. And that's why I want you to promise,' his fingers clenched on Vega's arm 'that you will not try it again.'
Vega gazed at him slightly amazed and something like tenderness twinkled in her grey eyes. She turned round and looked over the walls.
'All right, Sev,' she said 'But you will promise me something, too. Swear that when you leave Hogwart you will not join the Death Eaters.'
The silence fell. Vega was still staring at the sky.
'What are you talking about?' asked Snape at last.
Vega laughed sneeringly.
'Are you surprised I ask about it?' she turned round impetuously and fixed her burning eyes on Severus 'I overheard Dumbledore. Last years dozen or so Slytherins joined Voldemort. I'm sure Malfoy was one of them. And he is you mate. Beside some people from your class don't even conceal what they are going to do after Hogwart.'
'And what of it?' Severus bridled up 'It doesn't mean I will do the same. Beside, it was you not them who studied the Dark Arts with me. YOU used an Unforgivable Curse against Lucius. So maybe I could ask YOU whether you're going to join the Death Eaters.'
Vega's face twisted in rage. She pushed back from the wall and began to pace through the terrace, every now and then casting a dark look at Severus.
'If you want to know' she said dryly 'I can see no reason to join Lord Voldemort. To get power? I don't need any master for that. The Dark Arts fascinate me for themselves. They're splendid since are difficult and need character, obstinacy, courage. I will study them without the Dark Lord and who knows, maybe one day I become as powerful as him.'
She paused and stopped suddenly. Snape was looking at her like bewitched with an expression of mingled bewilderment and admiration on his face.
'I wouldn't surprise if you do that,' he said 'I always knew you had great talents Don't quarrel,' he said conciliatorily 'this is the last evening.'
'Promise?' asked Vega persistently though a look of here grey eyes was much warmer.
Severus smiled.
'Vi, don't you know I'll do everything for you?' he came near the girl and hugged her 'I promise.' he said softly and kissed her.***
'And where are your promises now?' drawled the Auror with an icy sneer 'You swore, in that place, you would never become a Death Eater. And what?!' she grasped Snape's arm and roughly pulled up a sleeve of his robes. 'Here is the proof how much your words are worth !'
Severus turned pale and moved back his hand. He has never seen in Vega's eyes so much hatred and contempt. What could he tell her? He couldn't change the past.
'They told me to forgive you' Vega's soft voice was cold as a breath of death 'You betrayed Voldemort, didn't you? You returned on our side' she laughed gloomily 'You deserves the second chance...'
She turned round and looked at the starry sky. Severus was silent.
'I could forgive you many things, Severus,' whispered Vega 'Your service for the Dark Lord, tortures, death of those poor Muggle. Meralin's Beard!' she cried desperately 'I would even forgive you that you had been at Remus house that night! If he was able to forget maybe I also could. But there is something I will never forgive you' she turned back, her half-closed eyes were piercing Snape like two silver blades 'That you became a Death Eater though you had promised me you wouldn't.'
Severus was looking at her, pale and rigid. His face expressed deep bitterness and resignation.
'I promised, that's true,' he said softly in a flat voice 'I believed, like you did, that I would keep my word. But then I became a Death Eater...' he sighed and looked sadly at the witch 'You never asked me why I did it...'
'Does it matter?' snarled Vega though there was something in Snape's black eyes that made her to shudder 'You just did it.'
Snape smiled gloomily.
'Maybe it really doesn't matter,' he said dryly 'But I will tell you. I want you to know. Maybe then you will...will be able to forgive me.'
Vega looked surprised but she didn't say a word.
'As you remember, we left Hogwart next morning after our last meeting,' said Snape without emotion 'The same evening I was at home. Old, gloomy castle...' he sighed heavily 'But still home. When I apparated on the yard the first thing I noticed was a strange, unnatural silence. No bird was singing, I couldn't hear the ghuls howling. As if the whole world has been expecting something horrible... I looked around and my heart sank. The yard looked as if the storm had attacked it. Everywhere there were lying crushed stones, broken furniture and lot of other objects, clearly thrown from the upper windows. In the middle of the yard a pyre was burning. I came closer and saw charred covers of the books, the only things left from our splendid library. Full of fear and the worst feelings I run upstairs and dashed into my mother's room. She was there...' his voice shook 'She was lying in a pool of blood, on the floor soiled with the muddy shoes. I couldn't believe my eyes. I approached her and then...I saw a wooden picket stuck in her heart...' he stopped talking and clenched his fingers on the wall.
Vega was staring at him horror-struck.
'I knew who had killed my mother,' continued Snape 'Only a Muggle could invent a picket. They believe that it's a way of killing a vampire,' an expression of mournful sneer appeared on his face.
'But...why?' whispered Vega.
Severus sighed.
'My mother used to engage in the Dark Arts,' he said 'And she often needed a blood... No, not human one,' he added hastily at the look of Vega's eyes 'Animal blood was enough. Cows and sheep used to disappear... And people in the village started to believe that the vampires lived in the Devil's Nest. I don't know what was a direct cause of their action,' he said sadly 'But one day they decided to finish the inhabitants of castle once for ever.'
The wind blew and clouds came from the east, covering the stars.
'I knew when to look for the murderers,' Snape's black eyes flashed fit hatred 'I apparated in the village and I asked about the men who had killed the vampire. Three Muggles, completely drunk, rolled out from the inn. The had still dry mud and blood on their shoes. I pulled out my wand and ...' he laughed horribly 'And next day I visited Lucius Malfoy and told him I wanted to join the Death Eaters. Now you know everything,' he finished looking at Vega.
Th witch was horror-struck, her grey eyes were piercing at Snape as if she wanted to see through him.
'Sev...' she said dully 'Why did you never tell me...?'
Snape was silently staring at the floor.
'WHY?!' cried Vega, seizing his arm an shaking him furiously 'If I had known... I would have understood! I lost my mother too!'
Severus couldn't say if there was more anger or despair in her voice.
'I wanted ...' he whispered 'Believe me, there was nothing I wished so much as to share that horrible burden with someone who was so close to me as you were...'
'So why didn't you do that?' Vega's voice shook.
Snape smiled with a grief.
'So many times I started to write a letter,' he said softly 'But then I always tore it since I thought I had no right to burden you with my problems. And then...' he sighed 'It was too late. I was too far in this. I was infatuated with hatred to Muggles, I believed in a historic mission of Lord Voldemort. I even wanted to win you over our side, with your talent you would achieve a lot,' he muttered 'But then you decided to be an Auror. And when you found out I was a Death Eater... I thought our ways parted for ever.' he sighed heavily 'Two years has passed. I was higher and higher in hierarchy, closer and closer to Lord Voldemort. That night when we appeared in the Lupins' house... I didn't know where we were going and why. Only when Sigismund Lupin arrived I understood. I never liked Remus but seeing his mother's body and massacred father I felt very uneasy. Then, unexpectedly, at least for me, Lord Voldemort apparated. He asked whether a guest had already arrived. It was clear we were waiting for somebody else... It was a full-moon. I knew Remus was a wolf. Lord told me to bring him from a cellar. I went down, thick walls muffled sounds perfectly and I didn't know what was happening upstairs. When I came back I saw you. I was petrified. And something broke in me. You were looking at us with such hatred... I felt like a trash.' he paused and rubbed his eyes 'Three weeks later I went to Dumbledore and told him I wanted to be his spy.'
He could feel Vega's fingers sticking harder and harder in his arm but he didn't do anything to stop it. Now, when he had finally thrown out from himself everything he had been stifling for so many years, he felt somehow free and cleared. He took a deep breath and looked at the witch. His eyes, always so clod, now twinkled with tenderness.
Suddenly a fiery bird shot over the tower and a shrill whistle cut a silence. Astonished wizards rose their heads.
'It's Fawkes,' said Vega looking at the circling phoenix with a growing anxiety 'Something must have happened.'
They run down the winding stairs and rushed to the Headmaster office. They found him pacing nervously up and down the room, his eyes fixed on a map hanging above the table.
'I have just talked to the Minister,' he informed them 'All megaports ceased to work. All energy had been cut from them. And this time it doesn't look like a short break-down.'
'What, the hell, it means?' Snape asked the question that bothered them all.
Heavy steps sounded on the stairs and office door opened with a bang. Hagrid was standing on the threshold, pale and shaking.
'Behemots...' he gasped out, breathing heavily and looking round with a terrified eyes 'Behemots disappeared!'
The wizard looked at each other.
'So it has begun!' said Dumbledore dully 'Now Voldemort can attack in any moment.'
