Warcraft III: The Antarctic Toilet

By Agent Smith

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Narrator: Last time on Antarctic Toilet THREEEE....

Kael: Hahaha, you can only make so many gay jokes, Smith! You're humor making abilities will CEASE in my... DREADED SNOOZER OF A CAMPAIGN!

Smith: No! Arrghhh..

Narrator: ...the Blood Elf campaign proved a deadly adversary to parody...

Illidan walks blindly into a wall, falls down the ridiculously high stairwell to the black citadel, and into a pit of snakes.

Narrator: ...but Smith managed to pull a few smirkers, and a new atack...

Smith: Not so fast Kael, now I'll bring out the ultimate parody character... Arthas!

Kael: No!!!!!

Title Screen: *cheesy rock music plays* The Legacy of the Darned!!!!!

---

Somewhere in Lordaraeon...

Detheroc: Damn it, we still haven't recieved our orders from our leaders yet.

Elderly Japanese imperial soldier on some Pacific Atoll: I know how you feel!

Balnazzar: Shut up! We were charged with overseeing this land.

Detheroc: Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that we were caught stealing Kil'Jaedens cheese cake?

Varimathras: What makes you say that?

Detheroc: Well, we are standing alone surrounded by an entire army run by an all powerful entity who would kill us any chance he got!

Balnazzar: Nah, the Lich King would NEVER do that.

Just then, Arthas burst through the gate, with a band tied around his head, no shirt, and ripped camouflage pants. He was also brandishing a large machine gun.

Balnazzar: Hah! You think that puny stick can stop us?

Arthas: Oh, you want to play rough? Well, say HELLO to my little FIEND!!

Crypt Fiend: ?

Arthas started firing the machine gun from his waist, without really aiming it. The Dreadlords took cover as ridiculous explosions bursted around them. Arthas kept firing his gun, as the empty shells piled up around him. Viet Cong started running out of nearby huts, only to get mowed down seconds later, before they could even raise their AK47's to fire back. A wagon full of fire extinguisher foam caught fire and exploded. The horse ran off a cliff and exploded too, because EVERYTHING explodes in hollywood.

Kel'Thuzad: ...Shouldn't he have run out of ammunition by now?

Sylvannas: Not in Hollywood.

Arthas kept firing, as he stood amongst several 10 foot high piles of empty shell casing, including one that went up to his waist. A MIG-29 started closing in on Arthas, only to explode and the debris to smash into a Hind helicopter.

Balnazzar: That's it, I'm out of here.

The Dreadlords take off. Arthas stops firing, with the empty shell cases now up to his neckline. From Arthas's vision, we see a red tinted view of the destruction he caused, with various electronic readouts flashing. One of them reads "HUMAN CASUALTIES - 0"

Arthas: What the hell? *Whacks himself on the side of the head*

It now read "HUMAN CASUALTIES - 1022987393373".

Later...

Kel'Thuzad: Prince Arthas, we knew you would return!

Arthas: Yeah, but from now on Lich, you'll address me as Supreme Grand Admiral General Colonel Major Captain Lieutenant Diety Baron Queen Duke God Lord Duke Duchess President El-Presidente Dictator Fuhrer Duce Premier Prime-Minister Bishop Archbishop Pope King Arthas!

Kel'Thuzad: Uhh...

Arthas: And as my first act as Supreme Grand Admiral General Colonel Major Captain Lieutenant Diety Baron King Queen Duke God Lord Duke Duchess President El-Presidente Dictator Fuhrer Duce Premier Prime-Minister Bishop Archbishop Pope King, I hereby rename Lordaeron to the "Holy Royal Enlightened People's Democractic Republic Empire and Alliance of Conquered States of Arthastag".

Kel'Thuzad: ....yeah. Anyways, what are we going to do now?

Arthas: The enlighted holy shining blade of Frostmourne will be brought down upon the skulls of the human infidels, cleansing them from the face of Arthastag. Anyone plotting against my reign will be brought before a live audience of 300,000 of my loyalist followers, and publically executed by the rapturistic power of the Frostmourne blade, and their corpse will be left to be devoured by baboons.

Sylvannas: Erm... *gulp*

Garithos: Come back you villains!

Garithos is mauled by a racoon, while the others laugh.

---

Arthas was busy cleansing the infidels from his kingdom, when suddenly..

Arthas: Haha! Die- ACK!

Arthas suddenly saw a vision from the Lich King. He saw the frozen throne... And a huge keg party with strippers going on around it.

Lich King: The Icecrown glacier is heating up, and YOU'RE INVITED ARTHAS!

Arthas: Huzaah!

Later, in the new capital to Arthastag.

Kel'Thuzad: So, what happened Arthas?

Arthas: Uhhh... I have to... Get to Northrend... Yeah... Something bad is happening...

Suddenly, the city gate slams and they are seperated. Arthas finds himself in the room where he was planning of having his minions build a gigantic statue of him riding a golden horse whilst adorned in Napoleotic military attire. However, three infidel Dreadlords were desecrating the presence of our fine Supreme Grand Admiral General Colonel ect..

Balnazzar: Hahaha! I don't think so, puny human! You see, while you were PUNILY running around, killing the PUNY peasants and burnintating the PUNY thatched-roof cottages... We were divising a PUNY plan!

Detheroc: Hahaha! Yes! You see... WE ARE OVERTHROWING YOU NOW ARTHAS!!!!!!

Arthas: Wow, great plan assholes. It took you three weeks to think up that?

Varimathras: ....He got us there...

Balnazzar: Quiet, puny human pune! We have already taken control of your puny army!

A bunch of puny ghouls with hitpoints that were preset at "1" rush out and get owned by Arthas.

Dreadlords: Errr... Carry on, master Arthas... *runs*

Arthas: Don't worry, I'll be sure to inject some high pathogen viruses like Ebola into you, and let you rot for a few days before I thrust my shining lightbringing Frostmourne into your skulls.

Arthas leaves the city, only to be confronted by Sylvannas.

Sylvannas: Hey Arthas, come with us, and we'll give you a strip show!

Arthas: Finally, some action for my green-mold covered schlong!

Sylvannas and the other banshees shudder.

---

As they are walking through the forest...

Arthas: Aren't you hos going to put on that strip show yet- ARG

Lich King: You've been decieved! They are all feminists! Get out of there and get to the party, or you'll miss out on the lesbian lap dance!

Suddenly, Arthas is hit by an arrow.

Arthas: Sylvannas, you traitor! Don't bother worrying about your family after you are executed... As they'll be hanging right beside you!

Sylvannas: Quiet, you immature MAN. Now that I shot you with that poisonious arrow, I can cause you more torment you caused me. You'll be forced to watch Lifetime network forever!

TV: Coming up on lifetime, the story of an unfaithful Undead prince who rapes a woman, and then the woman gets revenge by using the power of sister bondship!

Arthas: NOOOOOO, you bitch!

Just then, Kel'Thuzad bursts in.

Sylvannas: Ha! It'll take more than just a puny lich to save you.

Kel'Thuzad: Oh, I don't think so.

Sylvannas and her Banshees start jujitsu fighting Kel'Thuzad, who takes all 8 of them on with ease. Kel'Thuzad knocks them around whilst various Matrix camera slowmos and freeze-and-rotate's appear. Sylvannas tries to shoot Kel'Thuzad with an arrow, aimed directly at the Lich's head, but Kel'Thuzad bends back just in time to dodge it.

Kel'Thuzad: Quickly Arthas, grab my hand!

Arthas does so, and they fly off.

Sylvannas: Grrr... Those lousy men! All they care about is football and fighting! We still have each other, right sisters?

Sylvannas sees that she is the only one left standing.

Sylvannas: Oh well, at least I still have my own campaign! And it's an ORIGINAL storyline!

Kerrigan: I don't think so, bitch.

---

Kel'Thuzad: Here, we have reached the shore! Go quickly, Arthas, and save the Lich King!

Arthas: Uhhh, yeah, save the Lich King. Errr, Kel'Thuzad, since you saved my life and all, I think you deserve to know, it's not really a rescue mission.... There is a party going on.

Kel'Thuzad: I know, Arthas, I know. I'm to old for that type of stuff. My frostiness is going out, and I've already gone through 3 sets of skeletons! Go, and have your fun... But beware, for those evil Demons may still be trying to crash the party.

Arthas jumps in the boat and sails away. Kel'Thuzad jumps in his cadillac, thumps the hydrolics a bit, and drives off to pick up some more Skelebitches.

---

Elsewhere, in the Plaguelands, Sylvannas is whining about how Arthas was so evil and such, and how she was an undead forever. Then, the Demon Lords appeared...

Balnazzar: You played an important part in ridding this kingdom of Arthas. We would like to become your eternal slaves forever, both normally and sexually, and grovel at your feet whilst calling you 'Master'.

Sylvannas: Bah! I have no desire to get involved in your politics, demon!

Detheroc: Ok, plan B, we'll gather our forces and kill you.

Detheroc and Balnazzar run off.

Varimathras: Umm, guys? What about me?

Sylvannas: Hmm, they don't give you many speaking roles, do they?

Varimathras: It's because my name is hard to spell.

Sylvannas: Well, join my empire, and I will give you plenty of speaking roles.

Varimathras: Alright.

---

Meanwhile...

Detheroc: Hahaha! I have established this unbeatable citadel! It's walls are 40 feet high! The front gate is made out of 3 inch thick steel! There is no one anyone can get into here!

Garithos walks in via a nearby screen door, while sitcom audience cheering plays.

Detheroc: Oh? Hey Garithos! What brings you here?

Garithos: Hah, you see, I've come up with a great idea! You see, now that our Meat Wagons can produce corpses out of thin air, we will use our Necromancers to raise more skeletons... And... Get this... OPEN A SKELETON PET STORE! We could sell the skeletons for gold, and because we get TWO skeletons from ONE corpse, we'll make TWICE the profit! We can even get those newfangled Skeletal Mages and sell them for an even more expensive price!

Doom Guard: (whispering to Detheroc) Another one of his crazy get rich quick schemes. You remember what happened with the Carrion Beetle fights? Or the Obsidian Statue wax museum?

Detheroc: Get lost, Garithos.

Garithos: Well, suit yourselves. But when I'm swimming in a giant pool of money, and you're moping around because the Wall Nether Stock Market crashed... Don't come crying to me! Haha!

Garithos rides off on his horse, and rides directly into a low-flying sign post, flies off his horse, and into a fountain of acid.

Detheroc: (laughing) Well, at least he's good entertainment.

Suddenly, Sylvannas and Varimathras emerge from the ground, from what appears to be a tunnel.

Varimathras: You fool, Detheroc, you should have known that every fortress has a weakness! Even though we spent tiring hours tunnelling-

Sylvannas taps Varimathras on the shoulder and points to the screen door.

Varimathras: What the...? NOOO! Oh, wait. I get it. It's psychology. You see, he WANTED us to go through the screen door.

Detheroc: Well, sort of, originally it was rigged by a 100 ton anvil that fell on your head when you walked through. However, Garithos kept coming in and surviving somehow, so we just got rid of it. His ideas are crazy enough as it is.

Sylvannas: Oh well, time to die.

Sylvannas fires an arrow right at Detheroc's throat.

Detheroc: Ooh! A penny!

Detheroc bends down, and the arrow misses. Sylvannas fires yet another arrow. Detheroc sneezes, causing the arrow to fly off course. Yet another arrow is fired. Detheroc exercises his neck by rotating it around a bit, causing the arrow to miss his head.

Sylvannas: Oh, screw this. *notices an anvil overhead* Hey, I thought you got rid of that... LIAR!

Sylvannas presses a nearby button labelled '100 Ton Anvil'. At the same time, Garithos emerges from the pool of acid, unscathed.

Garithos: I got it! We can cross breed Doom Guards and Infernals and- *KLONG*

The 100 ton anvil sat heavily on the ground, with Garithos's feet sticking out.

Sylvannas: Damn it! Wait, I got an idea!

Varimathras: What?

Sylvannas: Hey Detheroc. Look how worseless you are.

Detheroc: Shut up! I rule a kingdom! I have a citadel!

Sylvannas: *mockingly* Oohhhhh, a CITADEL!

Detheroc: Shut uuuuuuuuuup!

Sylvannas: C'mon, you have GARITHOS as one of your minions! Look at you... You don't even have a Tichondrias portrait, you just have the default 'Demon Lord' model!

Detheroc: *sniff* You're right... I am pathetic... Well, enjoy Warcraft 4 without me.

Detheroc casts 'Doom' on himself, dies, and becomes a Doom Guard, that promptly dispels itself.

---

Meanwhile, in Northrend...

Arthas: I'm having another vision of the Lich King!

Undead Extra: What is it?

Arthas: They are running out of liquor, and the Lich King wants me to bring some! There is definately a liquor stash somewhere around here..

Blood Elf: Hahahaha! You dumb Undead, we Blood Elves have stolen all the beer!

Arthas: Wow.... Ok, what's the gag?

Blood Elf: What?

Arthas: Look at you, you're a dragonhawk rider. You barely even tickle peons with your ground attack.

Blood Elf: So? You can't attack air!

Arthas: Oh, come on. Do you even know who I am? Do you know how many Elves I've killed over the years? Look at you, you don't even have a name tag. You don't stand a chance! Why don't you just lay down?

Blood Elf: Arrgh, alright. *lands and lays down*

Arthas: ...Still going to kill you though.

Before the Dragonhawk Rider could scream, his head was seperated from his body by the cleansing power of Frostmourne.

Anub'Arak: Hey, I was supposed to kill him!

Arthas: Who are you?

Anub'Arak: I'm Jim Raynor, and I'm the Marshal of these here parts.

Arthas: No you aren't!

Anub'Arak: Yes I am!

Arthas takes out a Lie Detector and smirks.

Anub'Arak: Really, I am! *buzz*

Arthas: The buzz means you're lying.

Anub'Arak: Ok, so I'm not really the Marshal. *beep* But I'm Raynor! *buzz* Ok, so I'm Anub'Arak *beep* and I run the Old Kingdom *buzz* Used too *buzz* Never did *beep*.

Arthas: Whatever. What do you want?

Anub'Arak: I'm here to take you to the Lich King's party. *buzz* To take you through the Old Kingdom to the Lich King's party. *buzz* I was never invited to the Lich King's party *beep*.

Arthas: Arrgh, alright. If you take us to the Old Kingdom before the Blood Elves get there to crash the party, you can party with us.

Anub'Arak: Sigh, alright.... I don't deserve this. *buzz*

---

Meanwhile...

Balnazzar: Hmm, that fool Detheroc may have been destroyed by a simple security flaw in his citadel, but my citadel is built to last!

Acolyte: *sneezes*

A whole section of the Citadel's wall collaspes.

Balnazzar: That's the last time I pay the Iraqi Republican Guard to build me a defensive structure.

Garithos: (walks in through the open section) A fine Citadel you got here, Balnazzar. Mind if I crash here for a bit?

Balnazzar: Yes I do.

Garithos: Well, I didn't want to do this... Ok, I did. ATTACK, HUMAN FORCES!

Garithos is immediately trambled by a stamede of knights, and then ran over by a few steam engines. Sylvannas and Varimathras emerge from behind them, being sure to walk on Garithos's trambled body as they approached Balnazzar.

Balnazzar: Well, my role in the Warcraft storyline sure went as fast as it came.

Sylvannas: Your 15 minutes are up, recycled-model using plot device. Varimathras, as a final test of your loyalty, kill him.

Varimathras: But he is a fellow Dreadlord!

Sylvannas: Varimathras, let me tell you a little story. One time, there were these three bears. And these three bears decided to go for a walk. While the bears were out on their walk, a little blonde girl came into their house, ate their pouridge, sat in their chairs, and slept in their beds. The bears saw all this when they came home, and they saw the little girl sleeping in their beds. And the little girl woke up, got scared, and ran away.

Varimathras: Are you saying the little blonde girl is, me?

Sylvannas: When are you going to face YOUR three bears, Varimathras?

Varimathras: (inside his head) Your three bears.... Balnazzar....

Varimathras kills Balnazzar. Garithos then walks up to them.

Garithos: Good job, now get out of my city.

Sylvannas: Garithos, let me tell you a little story. One time, there was a legacy about a Mafia boss, who got shot, and his son rose to power, became a the new boss, and killed the shooter's own bosses. Then the new boss went to Las Vegas and built up a gambling empire. Cuba went through a revolution, the boss survived a senate hearing, and more people died. But then, nearly 20 years later, someone had the bright idea of making some jumbled 3rd part, about religion and corporate empires, and it degraded the very name of the series.

Garithos: (remembering) Godfather 3.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *explodes*

Sylvannas: That was simple enough.

Varimathras: What do we do now?

Sylvannas: We are the forgotten.

Varimathras: What did we forget?

Kerrigan: An original storyline.

Kerrigan's Zerg broods promptly slaughtered them all.

THE END!

Arthas: Hey! Wait a minute!

---

Near the Old Kingdom...

Arthas: Alright, so all we need to do is go through the Old Kingdom, and we'll have beaten Illidan's forces to the party?

Anub'Arak: Yes.

Dwarves: Not if we can help it!

Arthas: Arrgh, doesn't anyone stay dead?

Archimonde with a Palette Swap (Kil'Jaeden): No.

Ner'Zhul: Nope.

Medivh: No way!

Kel'Thuzad: Sort of.

Alek Trevlin: No, James.

Dwarves: Whatever, time to avenge Muradin!

The Dwarves fire their rifles, which light nearby explosive kegs, and they explode, killing everyone.

THE END!

Arthas: Hey! Wait a minute!

Arthas, Anub'Arak, and their forces are unscathed.

Anub'Arak: Let's go to the Old Kingdom.

Arthas: Hurray!

Arthas and Anub'Arak go into the Old Kingdom. They debate where they should go first, but decide on 'Faceless Ones of the Carribean'. After that, they tour 'Nerubian Mountain'. They then head over to "It's A Small Icecrown". Finally, they finish off the day with "The Haunted Goldmine". Arthas kept his hands on his eyes all through that one!

Arthas: That was fun, but now we're running late!

Anub'Arak: Don't worry, we'll take the "Mourn-a-Rail" to Icecrown. Hehe... I just said "Porno".

Arthas: For someone who is destined to get their head eaten by a female after having sex, you sure are perverted!

Anub'Arak: ...I hate my life...*buzz* Ok, I only hate sex. *buzz* With females *beep*

---

On the Icecrown glacier...

Illidan: Yes! Soon, the Lich King will pay for not inviting me to his party!

Kael: But Sillidan, the reason he didn't invite you was because you tried to attack Northrend with-

Illidan: SILENCE!

At that same time..

Anub'Arak: Arthas, to open the Frozen Throne chamber, you have to activate 4 bongs.

Arthas: Alright, but it will take me some time to go through the tree, take out any seeds and whatnot, and pack it. You'll need to guard me.

Illidan: Not so fast, Arthas! I have come to- (Illidan gets stabbed in the face with Frostmourne)

Arthas: Hahaha! Too easy!

Illidan: Arrgh, I'm blind! You bastard, you blinded me!

Arthas: Uhh, you already WERE blind!

Illidan blindly stumbles toward Arthas. Arthas slashes Illidan across the stomach. Illidan dies.

Arthas: Well, at least he's gone.

Illidan: (revived at altar) Damn, looks like we'll have to take a more direct approach...

Illidan and his forces run screaming from the Icecrown glacier, while Arthas activates the four bongs. The Frozen Throne chamber creeks open. Party music, shouting, and dancing can be heard from inside, as Anub'Arak and Arthas walk in.

---

Later...

Arthas, Ner'Zhul, and Kel'Thuzad are playing poker, while scantly-dressed drunk Undead women hang all over them.

Arthas: Three Acolytes! Read em and weep!

Ner'Zhul: Oh really? ROYAL FLESH! HAHAHA!

Arthas: Noooooooooooo!

Ner'Zhul: Give it up, Arthas!

Arthas: Aww, alright. *gives Frostmourne to Ner'Zhul*

Ner'Zhul: Hahaha! Wait...

Arthas: ACK!

Arthas and Ner'Zhul the Lich King suddenly merge.

New Lich King: Now... WE ARE ONE!

Kel'Thuzad: I guess this means I lose.

Anub'Arak: (slurring) Whasshhh did yoo jush call me!? (takes a swing at Kel'Thuzad, misses, and falls over unconscious)

Everyone: Oh that crazy Arachnid! (laughs)

THE END!

OR IS IT?

---

BONUS CAMPAIGN!

Rexxar: Hey, Thrall. I'm a half-orc half-orge protagonist. Do you want me to help?

Thrall: Uhh yeah... Something outside.. Needs a bunch of... Doing something...

Rexxar: Alright.

Rexxar goes outside and gets mauled by a zillion creeps.

Thrall: Ahahaha! Oh man, I crack me up.