Note: Sorry for not being able to update for a few days but I've been exhausted between work and dance recitals. As for the reviews, I'm just thrilled that so many people are enjoying my insane little writings. As for disturbing…why does everyone keep SAYING that? blinks innocently
Undead Ballerina
CHAPTER 3: DIVINE ROMANCE
Just as Raistlin snatches the plush rabbit away from his wife, there is a loud knocking on the chamber door.
Dalamar: Shalafi? You're not…err…"busy" at the moment, I trust?
Raistlin: (eyes narrowing) This better be important, elf, unless you would like five more holes in that pallid chest of yours.
Dalamar: (laughing nervously) Heh heh heh, no, Shalafi. It's about your sister Kitiara.
Raistlin: I see. If you will excuse us for a moment, Crysania…
Crysania: You're finally calling by my first name!
Raistlin: Out!
Crysania: (frowning slightly) If you insist…I shall be in the library if anyone wants to see me.
The raven-haired cleric of Paladine brushes past the elven apprentice, wrinkling her nose as she exits.
Raistlin: Well? What is this dire information that you have to give to me?
Dalamar: Kitiara and her army have fallen to the Golden General so she had to flee back to Solace. Your brother, that ever-forgiving dolt has decided to give her a place to stay, much to his wife's chagrin. Oh yes, and she apologizes for missing the wedding. But she did send you this gift.
The elf hands him a brilliantly wrapped parcel.
Raistlin: (reading the card) "Dear Dalamar, sorry for not keeping in touch but work piled up. Thanks for that little bout of fun all those weeks ago. And don't feel too bad about it only being 8 minutes, you seem to be under a lot of stress. Anyway, enclosed are those leopard skin panties that you admired so much. K."
Dalamar: (turning scarlet) Oh…wrong package. Here.
Raistlin: I don't even want to know, apprentice. (sighs) "Dear Raist, heard about you and the Princess of Purity tying the knot. Really, I thought we raised you better than that! So, how's the sex? Is her idea of 'kinky' doing it with the lights on? Sorry about having Soth try to kill her. To make up for it, I've sent you a belated wedding present. Hopefully it will help spice things up. Love, Kit."
Dalamar: Now this I have to see!
Raistlin: Yes. I hate to admit it but the curiosity is getting the better of me as well…(tears open the colorful paper. Inside is a long cylinder made of polished wood that has a dial with setting that range from Pleasant Tingle to the Earth Shaker). A "Wand of Vibration?" What in the Nine Hells!
Dalamar: (snickering) Oh, Crysania will just love THAT, Shalafi. It's the gift that keeps on giving! And look, there are also little bottles of flavored massage oil…
Raistlin: I cannot believe I gave up my quest for deification for THIS! Surely the gods don't have to deal with such humiliation!
Meanwhile, in a sinister-looking tower constructed entirely out of gleaming hematite bricks on the Dark Moon, a certain goddess of neutral magic wanders into her cousin's study.
Lunitari: So, how goes the search for a date?
Nuitari: Frustrating, but I have decided to make the search go easier by constructing a list of all the female deities and their romantic potential. Want to hear it?
Lunitari: Sure, it's not like I have anything important to do like, say, try to bring a magical renaissance to Krynn.
Nuitari: Fine. "Artha…goddess of lust but my half-sister and likely has every sexually transmitted disease in existence. Chislev… too busy hugging tress and refuses to shave her legs. Mishakal…has that sexy nurse thing going but already with Paladine. and obnoxious."
Lunitari: Excuse me?
Nuitari: Quiet! You'll make me lose track of where I am! Moving on; "Shinare…similar work ethic to mine but likely screwing pyromaniac Sirrion. Takhisis…my MOTHER, ugh! Zeboim…my sister and one crazy bitch to boot." Hmmph. Unfortunately, none of this sounds very promising.
Lunitari: Well, have you considered someone a little less…omnipotent? Maybe one of our more attractive disciples?
Nuitari: (coldly) I truly hope that you're not insinuating that I should lower my standards by consorting with a mortal. By the Highgod, I am not THAT desperate!
Lunitari: Uh-huh.
Nuitari: SHUT UP! (lengthy pause) …All right, who do you suggest? Besides Ladonna, I mean. That woman disturbs me. And Jenna because she would deny the existence of our relationship and always try to talk about finances in bed. And don't even consider any of the white robes!
Lunitari: You know, for someone that hasn't gotten laid in a couple of millenniums you're awfully choosy.
