Disclaimer: I don't own Dragonlance or any of its characters. Please don't sue me. You really don't want to see an 18-year-old girl bawl like an infant, do you? It's not pretty.
Embient and Ironi Numar: Raistlin and Crysania with rug rats? I may have something in store for you in the later chapters if you get my drift…
Celebrindae: I know what you mean. Imagine the blasphemy that would occur if someone depicted Caramon as SMART or Kitiara as MONOGAMOUS. However, if we didn't stray from the cannon every now and then, would we even have fan fiction? Tee hee, I hope you enjoy Nuitari's date with the mortal of his dreams!
Undead Ballerina
CHAPTER 4: NUITARI'S BIG DATE
IN THE LIBRARY OF THE HIGH TOWER OF SORCERY, WE FIND THE REVERED DAUGHTER PERUSING RAISTLIN'S PRIZED COLLECTION OF MAGICAL TOMES…
Live One: H-hello m-mistress…the d-day finds-s you w-well?
Crysania: Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee! (startled, she flings a spell book at it )
Live One: Eeegah!..(slithers behind a bookcase in fear and cowers) I m-meant no harm, M-mistress, n-no harm…Please d-don't h-h-hurt S-Squishy!
Crysania: Oh. I'm terribly sorry about that, err…Squishy. I just didn't expect you to creep up behind me. I hope I didn't hurt you.
Squishy: N-no m-more than us-usual, M-m-mistress. We s-s-suffer tomentss far g-greater than you could ev-ever i-imagine. We exist in a con-con-constant s-state of tor-tu-ous agony and wr-writhing, s-seething pa-pa-PAIN for which there is n-no relief…
Crysania: (grimacing) How…pleasant. So how did you get your name? Did Raistlin give it to you?
Squishy: N-no, M-mistress. The m-master is far t-too b-busy with his s-studies. It was ap-prentice D-Dalamar who n-named us.
Crysania: Hmmm…Not very sensitive, is he?
Squishy: C-could be w-worse. S-some of th-the other n-names were "M-Mucous", "Pus-face", "S-Snotball" a-and "Cedrick"
IN THE GOD OF DARK MAGIC'S ABODE ONCE MORE…
Nuitari: You realize you're not really helping me or my self image right now.
Lunitari: All right, I'm sorry. I'll be serious now.
Nuitari: (relaxing) Thank you. That's all I ask.
Lunitari: (smiling secretively) You know, I think I may just have the perfect woman for you, Nuitari.
Nuitari: (now suddenly interested) Really…?
Lunitari: Let me see…oh yes, she happens to be a queen among her people, she is considered exceptionally intelligent by her peers, she has a great attraction for magic-users
Nuitari: (practically drooling) Well, what are you waiting for? Send her here!
Lunitari: Are you sure?
Nuitari: Yes.
Lunitari: Are you really sure?
Nuitari: Yes, damn you! Summon her already!
Lunitari: If you insist…
THERE IS A BRIGHT FLASHING LIGHT AND IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM STANDS THE DIMINUATIVE FIGURE OF THE DARK GOD'S WOULD-BE SWEETHEART…
Bupu: (joyously throwing her arms around Nuitari's knees) Pretty man!
Nuitari: Urk! Get it off me! Get it OFF me!
Bupu: (pulling away) Wait…this not pretty man! What you do with Raistlin, tricksy Red Lady!
Lunitari: I never said I'd bring you to Raistlin, Bupu dear, I said I'd bring you to a handsome black-robe.
Bupu: (indignant) Bupu's been had! Me leave home for THIS! I go back to Xaks Tsaroth and eat…
Lunitari: Wait, Bupu! See how lonely Nuitari looks? He hasn't got a nice lady to settle down with.
Bupu: Well…me not interested, but I got sisters if he want!
Nuitari: (looking nauseous) Ugh, no thank you. I'd miss the moon too much.
Bupu: If you sure! In that case, Bupu give you charm to help find nice lady! (pulls a dead lizard out of a sack) Okay, now you give magic lizard biiiiiig kiss!
Nuitari: WHAT?
Bupu: (firmly) No argue! Here, I help! (presses the stiff reptile to the god's lips)
Nuitari: ARGH!
Bupu: (proudly) He irresistible to ladies now.
Lunitari: Right you are, little one! And for your help, I'll send to Raistlin for real this time!
THE GULLY DWARF VANISHES IN ANOTHER FLASH OF LIGHT.
Nuitari:……
Lunitari: (laughing) There…hee hee…you're all…heh heh heh…cured!...BWA HA HA HA!
Nuitari: (grabbing an enchanted blade off the wall) PREPARE TO DIE, WRETCH!
LATER THAT EVENING, IN THE MASTER CHAMBER WE FIND THE MAGE AND HIS WIFE BEDDING DOWN FOR THE EVENING.
Raistlin: (untying his robe) Well, Crysania, I hear you have been abusing my Live Ones once more.
Crysania: (flushing) I didn't do it on purpose! Squishy came up from behind me and I was startled so I
Raistlin: Wait just one moment…"Squishy"!
Crysania: (patiently) The name of the Live One in the library.
Raistlin: By the Dark Gods, I hope you weren't the one to give it that ridiculous appellation!
Crysania: Actually, it was Dalamar.
Raistlin: Figures.
Crysania: (sitting up in bed) Now, have you given any thought as to when we're going to pay Tika and Caramon a visit?
Raistlin: (petulantly) How about never!
Crysania: But he's your brother, Raistlin!
Raistlin: And he happens to be loud, malodorous, overprotective, overbearing, idiotic and an overall damned nuisance. What's your point, Revered Daughter?
Crysania: (sighing) All right, all right, we'll talk about this in the morning, when you're not so irritable.
Raistlin: Hmmph!
Crysania: (stroking his cheek) But in the meantime…why don't we just enjoy this time together? You've been working so hard all day…(pulls him in for a kiss)
SUDDENLY, THE BEDROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN.
Bupu: Raistlin! (eyes the barely clad couple) Errr…I not interrupting anything, am I?
Raistlin: (smiling delightedly, he pushes an eager and amorous Crysania away) Don't worry, little one. It can wait.
Crysania: EXCUSE me!
