Disclaimer: The panties I am wearing at this moment belong exclusively to me and Johnny Depp. That having been said, I do not own any of the Dragonlance characters OR their underwear. Thank you. In addition, sorry there's been some delay in me posting this but work has been piling up again. Ugh!
Embient: Thank you for all your written support! You win first prize for having submitted the most reviews for this fic. I would have mailed Squishy to you as a prize, but I was out of postage stamps. I also hope you enjoyed my other story.
Spicyeggplant: Jeez, all right! It's posted already. Tee hee, great nickname by the way!
CHAPTER 7: FIZBAN POLE-DANCES
BACK IN THE TOWER OF HIGH SORCERY, A DIMINUITIVE GULLY DWARF STAGGERS DRUNKENLY AROUND A CHAMBER
Bupu: …And me know lady is PRETTY, but why Raistlin with her? She give him no babies! Bupu very healthy! hic Could have three…no, MORE than three! And all gully dwarves look up to nice magician or hic else me kick shins!
Dalamar: (rolling his eyes) …That's fascinating, Bupu.
Bupu: (wagging her finger at the elf) And babies be SMART. Me would teach them all abouts magic! And pretty magician would be such good father…(trails off in a dreamy sigh)
Dalamar: Are we talking about the same Raistlin here? Here's something you should know about your "pretty magician". He's a crazed power-hungry, VENGEFUL man! Look at what he did to my chest! (tears open his robe, revealing the infamous holes)
Bupu: Ugh! Close robe already, scary elf! Me NOT need to see that.
Dalamar: Well, how do you think I feel about it! The ladies aren't exactly turned on by a torso filled with gaping, oozing wounds.
Bupu: Ugh…pasty elf chest make Bupu feel bad. Going to be sick now…HUUURK
(runs to a nearby cauldron where she begins to violently lose her lunch)
Dalamar: Damn you, Bupu! I was brewing a virility potion in that!
Bupu: Quick, get magic lizard out of bag…need sick charm REAL soon BLUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
THE CLERIC OF PALADINE APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY.
Crysania: Dalamar if you're not too busy could you (spots puking Bupu)
….In the name of all that is Holy and Good, WHAT is going on here!
Bupu: Pretty lady…bury me in nice place…
Dalamar: (laughing nervously) Heh heh heh… Well, Mistress, you see, it's a funny story…I brought her here to get something to eat and the gully dwarf managed to get a hold of a rather large bottle of red wine…
Crysania: (gasps) Why, she's so small, the amount of alcohol could make her seriously ill! We had better go tell Raist
Bupu:…And tell Raistlin me think he very handsome…and that he has nice smell…Not like Highbulp MLUUUUUHH!
Dalamar: (grabbing her arm) No, Mistress, you cannot! Shalafi would kill me! I can simply cast a 'neutralize poison' spell and she will be perfectly fine.
Crysania: All right, I won't tell him…provided you do something for me first. I want you to find some means of delivering this to the Inn of the Last Home by the morning. (hands him an envelope)
Dalamar: Where Shalafi's brother lives? (suspiciously) What exactly is that letter about, anyway?
Crysania: (cooly) That's for me to know.
Dalamar: All right, I'll do it. Now, Bupu, just stand still and I help you.
Bupu: Too late…getting darker…Crystal-lady, give pretty magician lots of babies…its Bupu's last wish.
Dalamar: (dryly) And I thought Shalafi was melodramatic sometimes.
MEANWHILE, AT THE INN…
Norcyla: Okay bastard, you may be invisible but I can detect you are in the northeast corner. Prepare to fry, creep! Ast kiranann kair Gardurm Soth-arn. Suh kali Jalaran!
A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES THE INVISABLE FIGURE. A SECOND LATER, NUITARI APPEARS, LOOKING AS COLD, HANDSOME AND BAD-ASS AS EVER. HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.
Nuitari: Please don't overtax yourself for MY sake.
Norcyla: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
Nuitari: Shhh. Be not afraid, lovely one! I've not come here to harm you.
Norcyla: (clutching her staff) Who are you and what in the Nine HELLS are you doing in my room!
Nuitari: I have many names. Some call me the Nightreaver, others the Black Hand or the Ungod. But you will probably know me best as Nuitari, God of Dark Magic.
Norcyla: Ha! Wonderful, I'm trapped in a room with a guy crazier than Fistandantilus…wait; you're not him in disguise, are you? I didn't mean to Magic Missile you during my Test, it was an accident! See, I thought you were some kind of reanimated corpse, no offense, and
Nuitari: (somewhat impatiently) I already told you who I was, Norcyla.
Norcyla: (sarcastically) Sure thing, O powerful and terrible god of darkness. Now what do you want with me?
Nuitari: Simply to speak of my admiration for you.
Norcyla: Pfft! Go on with you!
Nuitari: I mean what I say. You are truly a gorgeous creature, even if you happen to be a short-lived human. Your eyes are as blue as sapphires, your skin fair as ivory and your hair…err…it's like…ummm…
Norcyla: (eyes narrowing)…Yes?
Nuitari: …It's like a curtain of the richest, most exquisite purple silk.
Norcyla: Good save. (smiling shyly) That's actually the nicest thing I've heard all year…
Nuitari: And the way you keep threatening magical mayhem against people is really quite a turn-on…
Norcyla: You flatter me…
Nuitari: (stepping closer to her) …and I could barely contain myself when you said you would torch the inn unless they opened the doors. You know, I'm always admired a woman who Ack! (the god trips over the hem of his robe)
Norcyla: Gah! (is knocked to the ground)
Nuitari: (sighing) By the High God, Lunitari was right. I'm just no good at this!
SUDDENLY, A MUSCULAR WOMAN WITH SHORT BLACK HAIR KICKS IN THE DOOR. SHE SPIES NUITARI SPRAWLED ON TOP OF THE MAGESS.
Kitiara: (brandishing a sword) I heard a shriek. Is everything all right in here? This guy's not molesting you or anything, is he?
Norcyla: (turning pink) Uh, no, we're all right.
Kitiara: By the gods, from the way she screamed, I thought you were murdering her. Look, I know what it's like to be young and filled with mind-consuming lust, but can you two try to keep it DOWN? People are trying to sleep, you know! (shaking her head) Damned horny mages…
THE WARRIOR WOMAN LEAVES
Norcyla: Well…that was awkward.
