OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Note: I apologize for Chapter 7's rather misleading title of "Fizban Pole Dances". I sure there are a few out there who would have enjoyed reading about a geezerly mage shakin' his groove thing.

Cricket: Gee, thanks for all your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism without the use of profanity.

Kohaku Frost: Sadly, Crysania WAS pretty self-righteous in the novels, but I figured that after she got it on with the black robe, she mellowed out a bit. What can I say, I always thought they both deserved a break!

Embient: Hell, YEAH! Bupu is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Really, ANYONE who manages to have Raistlin like them is worthy of a few medals.

L. Moonshade: Not to worry! I have many more zany adventures planned for Raistlin and his acquaintances! It's just a matter of finding the time to write them…

Alexia S. Luclwit: Tee hee! I hope you're enjoying Nui's little courtship as much as I am!

Undead Ballerina

CHAPTER 8: BIG NEWS FOR CARAMON

Dalamar: Now Bupu, I want you to stay absolutely still while I cast this healing spell.

Bupu: (lying on the stone floor) Uggggh. Where your lizard?

Dalamar: I don't need one. Now just stay put! Ast nathalim kilar shupih guyakumin!

Bupu: (sitting up) Stomach feel better! And me no longer see two of everything.

Dalamar: Amazing, isn't it? Now Bupu, you can sleep on this comfy pile of blankets that I brought you. So if you will excuse me, I have a romantic evening planned with a certain salacious Red Robe.

THE ELF TELEPORTS OUT OF THE ROOM.

Bupu: (climbing on the blankets) Him must really like clothing…

Squishy: (slithering in) A-apprentice D-Dalamar, s-sir? We h-have a p-problem…a-another one of us f-fell into th-the Pool of S-see-seeing again

Bupu: Eeeeek!

Squishy: Gah!

BACK AT THE INN OF THE LAST HOME

Nuitari: (lamely) I guess I should get off of you now…

Norcyla: That would be the polite thing. Besides, you're cutting off the circulation to the wrist which happens to be connected to my spell-casting hand.

Nuitari: (getting up) Feh. I'm fairly sure than even PLASTER has a stronger resistance to battery than you mortals.

Norcyla: There you go with that "god" thing of yours again. Look, I know that you're male and thus must automatically have an ego the size of Ansalon, but could you give it a rest already?

Nuitari: What must I do to convince you of who I say I am?

Norcyla: Pfft. Short of transporting me to the Dark Moon? Not much.

Nuitari: (slyly) Oh, I think that can be arranged, my purple flower. (wraps an arm around her waist)

Norcyla: Hey, hands off the goods! Lightning might have no effect but I can still claw your eyeballs out!

Nuitari: Shhh! Ysaluk!

THE TWO VANISH IN A DARK CLOUD OF SMOKE

ON THE DARK MOON OF KRYNN, IN THE HIGHEST TOWER OF THE SINISTER PALACE…

Solinari: Oh, cousin, leave his belongings alone. It's not right to go through it without his permission.

Lunitari: Not until I find something to use for blackmail! Old love letters, some idiotic poetry he wrote, a painting of a kender woman in a chain mail bikini, ANYTHING.

Solinari: (dryly) I'm surprised you didn't decide to make copies of his personal journal for the rest of the gods to read. You've actually found something BENEATH you?

Lunitari: Not beneath me, Sol. There's just not really of interest there…unless you count the excerpts he's written about you.

Solinari: He writes about me!

Lunitari: Yep, and it's nothing too flattering either. And I quote… "Day 293847300282: Solinari has set out to find more followers as initiations into the White Robes has been somewhat lacking in the past few years. If you ask me, he couldn't find his ASS with two hands and a Locate Object spell."

Solinari: (turning red) WHAT! Why that insolent…

THE GOD OF DARK MAGIC AND HIS MAIN SQUEEZE MATERIALIZE IN THE CHAMBER.

Nuitari: Well, Norcyla, here we are on the Dark Moon. Are you satisfied?

Norcyla: (rubs her eyes and stares) I…uh…I…I can see Krynn from out the window!

Nuitari: (patting her hand) That's right, dear, you can. Well, well, well…I see you've decided to hang around, Lunitari.

Norcyla: (gaping) Lunitari!...My goodness, you weren't joking at all! (gets down on her knees) O great Veiled Lady of Magic! I kneel before thee!

Nuitari: Really now, that's hardly necessary. It's not like Lu DESERVES it or anything…

Lunitari: Hey! What the hell are you doing with my disciple, cousin!

Nuitari: I'm showing her around the palace, not that it's any business of yours.

Lunitari: (fuming) If you're thinking about converting her to the Black Robes, then you'd better forget it. I already lost Majere to you, you traitorous, scheming jackass!

Nuitari: Then you should be used to it by now…what's the matter with Solinari?

Solinari: "TWO HANDS AND A LOCATE OBJECT SPELL"!

Nuitari: (eyes narrowing) I see you've found the decoy journal

Lunitari: DECOY? Aw, crap. No wonder there wasn't anything juicy in it.

Nuitari: Out!

Lunitari: Fine! But don't expect me to sit around quietly if I see her in black anytime soon! Come on, Sol; let's go see if Dad has made a decision as to whether or not he should punish Raistlin for the death of his cleric yet.

Solinari: (grumbling) Damn Nuitari…rassin frassin fake journal...

THE TWO VANISH…

Nuitari: (cheerfully) So, shall we start the tour in my laboratory?

Norcyla: You're…you're…and that was!…(passes out)

Nuitari:…Perhaps later, then.

AS THE SUN BEGINS TO RISE OVER THE INN OF THE LAST HOME, THE MAJERES AND THEIR WAITRESS ARE SITTING DOWN AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

Tika: It's so odd! The magician woman left in the middle of the night, with no warning whatsoever.

Dezra: And she didn't even pay her bill. Cheapskate.

Kitiara: Quit using up all the jam, Caramon! (elbows him sharply)

Caramon: Ow, dammit, Kit! I take you into my house and this is how you thank me?

Kitiara: Thank you…(grabs the jar) Anyway, I don't think it's so strange considering she and her gentleman friend were probably looking for someplace a little more sound-proof.

A NOT SO GRUBBY MALE GULLY DWARF WANDERS IN CARRYING AN ENVELOPE.

Raf: Mail here!

Tika: Thanks, little guy. Now let's see…it's addressed to Caramon and I.

Kitiara: Oh, good. It's probably not another lay-off slip for your husband because he was too inebriated to work.

Caramon: (indignant) Hey! That only happened four times!

Tika: (opening the letter)…Oh my goodness!

Caramon: What is it, honey?

THE REDHEAD WORDLESSLY GIVES THE SLIP OF PAPER TO HER HUSBAND.

Caramon: Now let's see…dear Caramon and Tika…blah blah blah……BY THE SWEET GODS!

Dezra: (nearly choking on her juice) What is it?

Caramon: (chin trembling, eyes misty) My brother's coming back to me…this is the happiest day of my life! Nothing else on Krynn could ever compare! Ever!

Tika: (glaring) Hmmph. And I suppose our WEDDING day was just something for you to kill the time?

Caramon: Do you what this means! Maybe he and Crysania will want to move next door to the inn! Oh Tika, can't you feel the joy! (crushes her in an enthusiastic bear hug)

Tika: Ow, my ribs! Caramon, you're hurting me.

Caramon: I can see it now, he and the priestess will move into the big guest room where he can keep all of his magical equipment! And as the years go by his kids can play with our kids and(sniffles with joy) I think I'm going to cry!

Dezra: Don't you DARE blow your nose with that napkin! I'm going to have to wash that thing later, you know!

Caramon: Quick Tika, give me a pen! WE HAVE TO WRITE BACK TO THEM STRAIGHT AWAY!

Raf: Ok, when you done, I give it to birdy outside.

Dezra: Awww, would you look at his face? He's like a child at Yule, he's so excited!

Tika: (getting up) Now where did that quill go off to…?

Caramon: Never MIND. You'll taking too far too long. (unsheathes a dagger) I'll just write it in my own blood.

Kitiara: I somehow doubt most young children would resort to masochism like that.