[a/n] Special thanks to Anthea and the Lord of the Rings Random Ficplot
Generator: (www.kitsune.cx/~amorpha/lotr-plotgen.html) and Kero from the
OFUM list, who generated the random plot and shared.
Colonel Dirtyfishydishcloth belongs to Tori Amos
Lord of the Rings, and all characters and concepts therein, belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Tolkien estate.
To answer the review: I honor Gimli Elf-Friend. I would not bash him. I'm sure he could thrash me from here to infinity if he so desired. He deserves nothing but the utmost respect-and a girl to keep around for a pleasure-slave when the desire comes upon him.
The Woeful tale of Princess Dirtyfishydishiel
Two: A Ranger with Hiccups?
Someone above her hiccupped. Gretel opened her eyes into Alternate Universe Number Nine Thousand, Six Hundred Fifty-Eight-one in which she played a very prominent role. Someone hiccupped again. "A curse on hiccups!" swore a voice. It was quiet and low, yet at the same time conveyed a sense of power.
"We tells him to drink the water, didn't we, Precious," rasped another voice. "But no, Precious, stupid tall Ranger says he's a healer... gollum... He doesn't need advice from us."
"Be silent, foul creature," the hiccupping voice commanded, "or I shall gag you with Elven rope!"
"No!" the second voice cried. "It's so... wholesome!"
"Silence," the first voice said. Then he hiccupped. "I see you are awake," he addressed Gretel. "It was some fall you took, my lady."
Lady! The Ranger called her a Lady! It must mean that she was Princess Dirtyfishydishiel! Of course she was, Gretel thought. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was brought to Mirkwood by none other than Aragorn himself! It was Aragorn who told Princess Dirtyfishydishiel all about his good friend Legolas, and how much he would love her and adore her. And of course, Gretel noted, it was only duty to her father, Legolas, and King Thranduil that kept Aragorn from ripping off all of her clothes and having his way with her the moment they were alone. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was, after all, the paragon of beauty in Middle-earth.
Of course, the creature Gollum was never in her story. Who would want Gollum in a story? She had seen him in the movie, all thin and disgusting and totally schizophrenic. He was not hot at all, unlike Legolas the Action Elf, sliding down the stairs in the middle of the battle on the shield. Oh that thought sent a shiver straight to her loins.
Gretel opened her eyes, seeing the handsome and kingly face of Aragorn above her. "Where am I?" she asked. It was a good a question as any to find out where in Princess Dirtyfishydishiel's story she had wound up in.
"Faugh!" hissed Gollum, "Her breath is fouler than the Orcses!"
"Be silent," Aragorn warned again, then hiccupped. To Gretel, he said, "The fall must have addled your wits more than I thought. We are on the edge of Mirkwood. We're delivering Gollum to King Thranduil, and then I'm personally going to see you to..." Aragorn hiccupped.
"Mirkwood!" Gretel said, filling in the empty space Aragorn's hiccup had provided.
"Aye," Aragorn agreed, "Our first destination is King Thranduil's Hall, and then we'll proceed..."
Gretel nodded in agreement. "I remember now," she said happily.
Aragorn looked at her in wonder and hiccupped. "You have the resilience of an Elf," he said aloud wonder in his voice, before another hiccup interrupted his musings.
Gretel's brow furrowed in confusion. Of course she would have the resilience of an Elf. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was an Elf, after all. She went to sit up, but felt blood rush to her head, causing things to blank a little before clearing. What she saw wasn't very promising. Trees covered with thick cords of vines or something else entirely arched over a dark maw that served as an opening to the forest. "That's not Mirkwood," Gretel stammered. Mirkwood was a bright and cheery place. There was a market the royalty visited regularly, and a shimmering palace with parks and gardens- like Rivendell but much prettier, and richer and grander.
Aragorn hiccupped, but Gretel heard other sounds of muffled laughter. It was then that Gretel realized there were far more people around than just Aragorn and the creature Gollum.
"We lives under the mountain for five-hundred years, Precious" Gollum hissed under his breath, "but even we knows Mirkwood is murky... gollum... gollum. Orcses go there and never come back. Spiderses live there."
Gretel turned to look at the creature, her eyes wild with fear, forgetting for the moment that Princess Dirtyfishydishiel could tame the Spiders of Mirkwood with a song. "Spiders?" she asked, without getting a good look at the pair of dark-haired elves and several men (who weren't as attractive and kingly as Aragorn, so therefore unworthy of noting in Gretel's mind). To Gretel's utter horror, Gollum started in a sing-song chant, oddly accompanied by manly hiccupping:
The giant big black spiderses crawled up the Mirkwood treeses
down comes their poison and knocks you to your kneeses
out comes the threads and bind you up right tight
and the giant big black spiderses, they eatses you all night.
Gretel felt the world go blank again. She always thought the song went "The itsy-bitsy spider."
~*~
Someone above her hiccupped. Once again, Gretel opened her eyes, staring into the very kingly face of the ruggedly handsome (read drop-dead gorgeous, even with the stubble) Aragorn son of Arathorn. "Enough of this," Aragorn said between hiccups. "We have to get moving." He ungraciously hauled her to her feet.
Gretel rubbed her arm where Aragorn had grabbed it. She finally looked at her surroundings, noticing the other men and elves as well as Gollum trussed up like Han Solo had been when the Ewoks kidnapped him. There was another pair of pants she'd like to get into. Gretel shook her head to the matter at hand. She noticed with dismay there were no horses-not even Eequiellennita her own mount (translated from her own made-up Elvish as 'The prettiest horse ever'). "Where are the horses?" she asked.
"All the white horseses are still in bed," Gollum chanted from his position hanging from a pole between two men. "We tells you that we always wants you near..."
"Gag him, Elladan," Aragorn ordered.
Gollum gave such a cry that Gretel was forced to cover her ears with her hands-and still she winced. She thought for certain the creature was about to be killed or in his death throes, such was the noise from his mouth. The cry was abruptly cut to a whimper when one of the dark-haired Elves approached with a strip of cloth.
"We'll be quiet, Precious, we promises," Gollum whimpered.
Aragorn only hiccupped in response, starting out towards the darkened opening where the path led.
"Wait!" Gretel called as one of the Elves urged her forward. "Where are the horses? No one answered my question!" She tried to stomp her foot, but lost her balance, taking a spill on the ground. The Elf hauled her to her feet. Gretel figured she was going to develop a bruise from how these rough men and Elves kept handling her. "Wait until my father, the King, hears about this," Gretel muttered under her breath. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel's Father would not stand for rough treatment of her. Neither would Legolas, once they got to King Thranduil's sparkling palace.
Colonel Dirtyfishydishcloth belongs to Tori Amos
Lord of the Rings, and all characters and concepts therein, belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Tolkien estate.
To answer the review: I honor Gimli Elf-Friend. I would not bash him. I'm sure he could thrash me from here to infinity if he so desired. He deserves nothing but the utmost respect-and a girl to keep around for a pleasure-slave when the desire comes upon him.
The Woeful tale of Princess Dirtyfishydishiel
Two: A Ranger with Hiccups?
Someone above her hiccupped. Gretel opened her eyes into Alternate Universe Number Nine Thousand, Six Hundred Fifty-Eight-one in which she played a very prominent role. Someone hiccupped again. "A curse on hiccups!" swore a voice. It was quiet and low, yet at the same time conveyed a sense of power.
"We tells him to drink the water, didn't we, Precious," rasped another voice. "But no, Precious, stupid tall Ranger says he's a healer... gollum... He doesn't need advice from us."
"Be silent, foul creature," the hiccupping voice commanded, "or I shall gag you with Elven rope!"
"No!" the second voice cried. "It's so... wholesome!"
"Silence," the first voice said. Then he hiccupped. "I see you are awake," he addressed Gretel. "It was some fall you took, my lady."
Lady! The Ranger called her a Lady! It must mean that she was Princess Dirtyfishydishiel! Of course she was, Gretel thought. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was brought to Mirkwood by none other than Aragorn himself! It was Aragorn who told Princess Dirtyfishydishiel all about his good friend Legolas, and how much he would love her and adore her. And of course, Gretel noted, it was only duty to her father, Legolas, and King Thranduil that kept Aragorn from ripping off all of her clothes and having his way with her the moment they were alone. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was, after all, the paragon of beauty in Middle-earth.
Of course, the creature Gollum was never in her story. Who would want Gollum in a story? She had seen him in the movie, all thin and disgusting and totally schizophrenic. He was not hot at all, unlike Legolas the Action Elf, sliding down the stairs in the middle of the battle on the shield. Oh that thought sent a shiver straight to her loins.
Gretel opened her eyes, seeing the handsome and kingly face of Aragorn above her. "Where am I?" she asked. It was a good a question as any to find out where in Princess Dirtyfishydishiel's story she had wound up in.
"Faugh!" hissed Gollum, "Her breath is fouler than the Orcses!"
"Be silent," Aragorn warned again, then hiccupped. To Gretel, he said, "The fall must have addled your wits more than I thought. We are on the edge of Mirkwood. We're delivering Gollum to King Thranduil, and then I'm personally going to see you to..." Aragorn hiccupped.
"Mirkwood!" Gretel said, filling in the empty space Aragorn's hiccup had provided.
"Aye," Aragorn agreed, "Our first destination is King Thranduil's Hall, and then we'll proceed..."
Gretel nodded in agreement. "I remember now," she said happily.
Aragorn looked at her in wonder and hiccupped. "You have the resilience of an Elf," he said aloud wonder in his voice, before another hiccup interrupted his musings.
Gretel's brow furrowed in confusion. Of course she would have the resilience of an Elf. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was an Elf, after all. She went to sit up, but felt blood rush to her head, causing things to blank a little before clearing. What she saw wasn't very promising. Trees covered with thick cords of vines or something else entirely arched over a dark maw that served as an opening to the forest. "That's not Mirkwood," Gretel stammered. Mirkwood was a bright and cheery place. There was a market the royalty visited regularly, and a shimmering palace with parks and gardens- like Rivendell but much prettier, and richer and grander.
Aragorn hiccupped, but Gretel heard other sounds of muffled laughter. It was then that Gretel realized there were far more people around than just Aragorn and the creature Gollum.
"We lives under the mountain for five-hundred years, Precious" Gollum hissed under his breath, "but even we knows Mirkwood is murky... gollum... gollum. Orcses go there and never come back. Spiderses live there."
Gretel turned to look at the creature, her eyes wild with fear, forgetting for the moment that Princess Dirtyfishydishiel could tame the Spiders of Mirkwood with a song. "Spiders?" she asked, without getting a good look at the pair of dark-haired elves and several men (who weren't as attractive and kingly as Aragorn, so therefore unworthy of noting in Gretel's mind). To Gretel's utter horror, Gollum started in a sing-song chant, oddly accompanied by manly hiccupping:
The giant big black spiderses crawled up the Mirkwood treeses
down comes their poison and knocks you to your kneeses
out comes the threads and bind you up right tight
and the giant big black spiderses, they eatses you all night.
Gretel felt the world go blank again. She always thought the song went "The itsy-bitsy spider."
~*~
Someone above her hiccupped. Once again, Gretel opened her eyes, staring into the very kingly face of the ruggedly handsome (read drop-dead gorgeous, even with the stubble) Aragorn son of Arathorn. "Enough of this," Aragorn said between hiccups. "We have to get moving." He ungraciously hauled her to her feet.
Gretel rubbed her arm where Aragorn had grabbed it. She finally looked at her surroundings, noticing the other men and elves as well as Gollum trussed up like Han Solo had been when the Ewoks kidnapped him. There was another pair of pants she'd like to get into. Gretel shook her head to the matter at hand. She noticed with dismay there were no horses-not even Eequiellennita her own mount (translated from her own made-up Elvish as 'The prettiest horse ever'). "Where are the horses?" she asked.
"All the white horseses are still in bed," Gollum chanted from his position hanging from a pole between two men. "We tells you that we always wants you near..."
"Gag him, Elladan," Aragorn ordered.
Gollum gave such a cry that Gretel was forced to cover her ears with her hands-and still she winced. She thought for certain the creature was about to be killed or in his death throes, such was the noise from his mouth. The cry was abruptly cut to a whimper when one of the dark-haired Elves approached with a strip of cloth.
"We'll be quiet, Precious, we promises," Gollum whimpered.
Aragorn only hiccupped in response, starting out towards the darkened opening where the path led.
"Wait!" Gretel called as one of the Elves urged her forward. "Where are the horses? No one answered my question!" She tried to stomp her foot, but lost her balance, taking a spill on the ground. The Elf hauled her to her feet. Gretel figured she was going to develop a bruise from how these rough men and Elves kept handling her. "Wait until my father, the King, hears about this," Gretel muttered under her breath. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel's Father would not stand for rough treatment of her. Neither would Legolas, once they got to King Thranduil's sparkling palace.
