[a/n]
Special
thanks to Anthea and the Lord of the Rings Random Ficplot Generator:
() and Kero from the OFUM list,
who generated the random plot and shared.
Colonel Dirtyfishydishcloth and the lyrics to Winter belong to
Tori Amos
Lord of the Rings, and all characters and concepts therein, belongs to
J.R.R. Tolkien and the Tolkien estate.
I think I mentioned it in my description, but this is, by
nature of the random plot generated, and AU fic, and there are purposeful wild
divergences from canon.
I honor Gimli Elf-Friend. I would not bash him. I'm sure he could thrash me
from here to infinity if he so desired. He deserves nothing but the utmost
respect-and a girl to keep around for a pleasure-slave when the desire comes
upon him.
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The Woeful tale of Princess Dirtyfishydishiel
Three: Strider Implies Striding
Gretel could not believe these people that inhabited Alternate Universe Number Nine Thousand, Six Hundred Fifty-Eight. They were walking everywhere! And for long periods of time too! Princess Dirtyfishydishiel never walked anywhere. Well, she did, but never for long distances. That was what her faithful horse, Eequiellennita, was for. Unfortunately, Eequiellennita did not appear to be around. She had no idea what Aragorn or any of the others had done to her horse. When she had asked, the only replies she got were that Eequiellennita (or as it was phrased, 'the horse') was a male (nonsense!), that his name was Bob the Horse, and that Bob chose to live with some guy named Grimbeorn and some so-called Beornings. Imagine that: Eequiellennita being a male horse, and being named Bob. Bob was such an ugly name anyway. Gretel huffed at the thought of a horse having the sense to choose its own name, and choosing one so prosaic as Bob.
What was more disturbing about the whole thing was how long it took to get anywhere. They had spent days (Weeks! Months! Years!) under the icky black boughs of Mirkwood and there was no sign of Thranduil's sparkling palace. And through the entire time, the creature Gollum had been discussing the oddest things with the Elf twins. The conversations continue as she was falling asleep, and they were there when she woke up in the morning—oddly enough, right where they had left off when she was falling asleep.
"Free-falling objectses will accelerate under gravity until they reaches the velocity where the aerodynamic drag force is equal to their weightses, isn't that right, Precious," Gollum was saying as Gretel found consciousness.
"Yes," one of the Elves replied, "that is the terminal velocity, but how do you know of it?"
"We drops the fishies in the water. And the heads of Orcses. Precious gets bored," Gollum replied, then started wailing. "Precious! My Precious! Why did you leave us? What has it got in its pocketses! Unfair! Unfair!"
Gretel covered her ears. If that didn't wake her up, nothing would. She stretched as her stomach growled. Unfortunately, Aragorn decided it best that there be cold rations--not wanting a fire to attract the dark creatures in Mirkwood. Even days later, he was not entirely cured of his hiccups. They seemed to go into remission, but always came back. Aragorn was very sour about it all.
The Elves were busy binding Gollum into a tight bundle--as if the creature were in swaddling clothes. They had fastened a cone-like structure to his neck to keep him from chewing at the bindings. "Back to terminal velocity," the one Elf said, cutting off Gollum's tantrum mid-wail.
"Yes," Gollum hissed, as though he had not been carrying on to wake the dead moments earlier. "To calculates the aerodynamic drag force of a given body and hence its terminal velocity, we uses a simple formula that states that at a given altitude, drag is proportional to the streamlining of the body, otherwise known as a drag coefficient; the cross-sectional area of the body; and the square of its speed."
One of the Elves affixed the bag containing the bundled Gollum to his back. "We are also aware of the drag coefficient and the calculation of a drag forces," he said.
"We was making sure," Gollum said, raising his nose. "Stupid Elveses. Precious does not like Elveses."
"Terminal velocity," the other Elf prompted as the company of men, Elves, Gollum, and Gretel set out for the day.
Gollum cleared his throat. "Depending on the weight of a object, and using engineering estimateses of the drag coefficient and cross-sectional area for the spread posture, we can calculates the terminal velocity of a falling..." Gollum looked in Gretel's direction. "But repeated testses are needed for definitive answers... es," Gollum added belatedly as Gretel felt three pairs of eyes on her.
"Not that I mind the thought of continued practical tests," the Elf carrying Gollum said, "but what did all of that have to do with the matter at hand?"
Gollum shook his head. Gretel got the impression that if he had his hands free, Gollum would have been tearing out what little hair he had. "Because, stupid Elvses," Gollum whined, "It means that your theory on calculation of force of impact was flawed."
"The theory is sound," The laden Elf replied. "If the altitude was such that terminal velocity was called into question, there would have been a crater, I'm sure. There was no crater, so the only force we have to worry about is the acceleration due to gravity."
"None of that matters," the unladen Elf said, "because it is not the velocity, whether terminal, or still accelerating that causes death, but the sudden stop at the end."
Once again, Gretel noticed three pairs of eyes looking at her. She quickly ran up to where Aragorn was taking the lead. "How much longer until we get to Thranduil's palace?" she asked him.
Aragorn hiccupped. "A very long time indeed, my Lady," he said respectfully. "but we should reach the settlement of the Mirkwood Elves soon."
Gretel pondered that statement. The Kingdom she'd get to rule as Legolas's Queen must be larger than she thought. And on the map, it looked so small. Maybe that's why it took so long. "How soon is soon?" she asked the group's leader.
"Sooner if you keep your mouth shut," Aragorn replied tersely then hiccupped.
Aragorn's patience seemed thin, Gretel noted. It was probably the hiccups. Those would wear on anyone's patience. "I'll be quiet now," she promised. "Is everything all right?" she asked in the next breath.
Aragorn squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and then glared at Gretel. He put his fingers to his lips and continued along the path.
"Oh right," Gretel said. "Quiet." She managed to keep her mouth shut for several more paces, following Aragorn, trying to keep her mind from the conversation between the Elves and Gollum (now moved onto how to perform aforementioned practical research and testing). She wasn't paying attention to where she was walking, so the spider's netting caught her by surprise.
Gretel shrieked.
A strong hand clamped over her mouth. "Are you trying to attract the spiders?" Aragorn's quiet voice whispered in her ear.
Gretel shook her head as the hand was slowly removed. "Spider web," Gretel managed to eek out.
"Stay to the center of the path then," Aragorn warned.
Gretel nodded, but even as she walked along, jogging half the time to keep pace with the long strides of the tall Rangers and Elves, Gretel felt as if the forest was watching her. She tried to think of the song that Princess Dirtyfishydishiel sang to make the spiders tame. How did the song go?
Spiders, spiders you're not mean
You are nice and good and clean
Don't you eat me, that's not right
Around me, you will not fight.
"What is that supposed to be?" Aragorn asked, stopping so suddenly, Gretel almost ran into him.
"A song to charm the spiders?" Gretel asked. She heard hissed laughter coming from behind in the company.
"The Orcses sing better, gollum... Don't they precious?" Gollum laughed.
Gretel lifted her chin, feeling her eyes fill with tears. She didn't care if the Orcs sang like the Vienna Boy's Choir, she would not be insulted by such a foul creature as Gollum. She wouldn't be.
"Eru," Aragorn swore on a breath before another fit of hiccups started. "With all due respect, my Lady," he said in a low voice. "Silence means silence. No songs, no screaming, no talking. Silence. Do you understand?"
Gretel nodded, trying not to let the tears fall.
"Good," Aragorn said, turning his back to her and starting to walk again. "It is only as a great favor that I am doing this," he muttered.
"I know," Gretel replied. "And for that I am grateful!" Aragorn had been asked to bring her to her intended husband, Legolas, as a great favor to Princess Dirtyfishydishiel's father (who remained unnamed through the story).
"Silence," Aragorn hissed.
Gretel nodded.
Aragorn hiccupped.
