Title: The Paradox of Existence

Author: DragonLight

Summary: The future repeats itself in the past, i.e. which came first
the chicken or the egg.

Pairing: HP/SS

Rating: R or NC-17, depending where you are

Archive: here, my site, and the SnapexHarryML - both web addresses can be found on my aurthor profile page

Author Note: Huge thanks to my beta Isis.

Thank You: athenakitty, Green Eyes, blackunicorn, Veritas4Eternity, Teigra, Emma, Futon, janibo, Quickjewel, Rebecca Cecilie, moraco, Lord R, fan, Katy999, Kat, Sabs, Lunabard, WittchWay, Melz, EternalBastet, Asha Dreamweaver, Kaat ShadowLover, Lee Lee Potter, Saavik, Lana, two2blue, me3gogi, reanne080, Cat Samwise

shitsumon: There are reasons for everything I do ;)

Fae: No more missing updates, got it. ;) Don't worry some Harry torture (of the emotional variety) will be coming soon.

Disclaimer: All characters that are the least bit familiar belong to JKR-same with places and items. Don't recognize it then it's mine.

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Chapter Thirteen: Don't Push Me Away When I'm Trying to Care

*The Future*

Severus paused in his contemplation of the fire as a knock sounded on the door. Setting his glass of wine down on one of the side tables, he stood and made his way to answer it. The last person that he was expecting to see stood on the other side. "Lupin."

"Severus. Just the man I wanted to see. May I come in?"

"I don't see how I can stop you." Severus moved aside to allow Remus to enter.

"Ah. I can see many ways you could have. A 'no', for example would have worked." Remus looked at the dark-eyed man who was staring at him with his eyebrow raised. "As to why I am here. Well, you seemed a trifle… off at dinner tonight. Just thought that I'd stop by to see what was bothering you." Remus turned to glance around the room. His gaze landed on the side table where Severus had set down his glass of wine. "No brandy?"

"No Harry," Severus returned.

"I see. Now that I think of it, I never see Harry drink brandy without you. I didn't realize it went both ways."

"It usually doesn't." Severus moved over and settled himself in what was normally Harry's chair before motioning to Remus to take the other. Severus was feeling oddly sentimental, and the thought of seeing someone else besides Harry in his bonded's chair didn't sit well with him. Remus looked questionably at him saying nothing, and took the proffered chair, settling himself down. He continued to watch as Severus summoned another wine glass, pouring him a portion.

"Going into Harry's stock, I see. I didn't know that you liked French wine. Italian yes, French no. I thought the only reason that Harry even kept the French wine was because that is the only type I ever drink." Remus knew that to a point he was rambling on, but the other man didn't seem to mind. Severus was acting almost grateful for his company; in a Snapeish sort of way, of course. The only person that Severus was ever outright nice to was Harry.

"Harry." The response took Remus by surprise. He wasn't actually expecting an answer. Though the answer that was given didn't surprise him.

"I think I'm starting to understand. Nothing that reminds you of Harry. May I ask why?"

"An impertinent question, Lupin, but I'll amuse your curiosity. I'm trying to determine if I'm a selfish bastard."

Well, this was an interesting turn. "How so?"

"I went to see Harry three nights ago."

Remus was confused. "And how did you do that? Albus didn't want anyone to go until Sirius' scheduled visit, which was today."

"I borrowed the time turner for a short time." The 'without telling Albus' part was left unsaid, but understood.

"And this leads to the determination that you are a selfish bastard?"

"I could have changed things. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse, I don't know. All I do know is that I kept everything the way I remembered because I didn't want to lose Harry."

Remus sat back, swirling the wine in his glass. Severus was being uncharacteristically open for once, and Remus knew that he wouldn't just open up, especially about Harry. Severus guarded their relationship more fiercely than anything else. Harry behaved the same way. They had been together for a long time before anyone, other than Draco, had found out. He scanned the room for a bottle other than the one Severus had just poured the wine from. He saw what he was looking for on the mantle, a small green vial. "What was in the vial?" Remus pointed at the object.

"A mild truth serum."

"Why did you take it?"

"So I wouldn't lie to myself. Pathetic, don't you think? I need a truth serum to be truthful to myself."

"There's no way that you came up with that one on your own. Nothing personal, Severus, but it just isn't you."

"Harry suggested it once, a long time ago. Said it was the only way to get me to admit the truth to myself. I thought that he was quite insane. But it worked. Still does."

"Ever the unconventional one. Be glad that I'm here and not Sirius."

"Sirius never would have made it through the door." And Remus knew how true the statement was, not because of the truth serum but because he had watched the door being slammed in Sirius' face time and time again, whether or not Harry was there.

Remus wanted to get back to the original topic but knew better than to ask a blunt question. Starting gradually with the man was always best. "What did Albus do when he found out?"

"That I had borrowed the time turner?" At Remus' nod he continued. "He was sitting here with his hand extended when I returned. He just looked at me with that infernal twinkle and asked 'How is your husband, Severus? Holding up well, I hope?'" Severus nearly spat out the word 'husband', causing Remus to almost choke.

"He didn't. He actually called Harry that?"

"He does it to both of us, all the time. Not when anyone is around, of course. At times, I would happily strangle the man."

"So what did happen, with Harry?"

Severus lifted one long fingered hand and rubbed it over his eyes. Remus noticed how tired the man was looking. "I dragged him halfway across the bloody castle, so I could kiss him where I knew someone would be watching."

Remus blinked at the other man owlishly. He didn't believe what he had just heard, but then again he hadn't been a marauder for nothing. "You, an exhibitionist? Who would have thought?"

"Myself. My younger self was watching."

"Why would you care, at sixteen, if our Defense teacher was kissed in the middle of a hallway?"

"You didn't know? I thought the whole bloody school knew. Lucius had told me about the rumors." Severus stopped and looked at the confusion on the other's face. "There were no rumors about my infatuation," Severus' lip curled up in a disgusted grimace at the word, "with professor Tyler. Were there?"

Remus just shook his head. The other man didn't look at him, just stared at the fire. He was shocked that he hadn't known. Sirius had been a rumormonger while he had been in school, so naturally the marauders had known every rumor that had whispered through the halls. "If there had been Sirius would have known and told us."

Severus just shrugged and covered his eyes with his hand.

"Selfish, huh?" Remus looked around the room at all the signs that said 'Harry lives here.' Remus had never seen either of them as happy as they were when they were together. "Well, if you're selfish, then I'm selfish, and I bet that Harry's selfish too."

The other man looked at him. "Meaning what, Lupin?"

"You went to make sure that Octavian Tyler had some effect on your life. Octavian Tyler affected Sirius and James' lives. He told them what they had to do so they would pass the auror qualification exam. They wouldn't have buckled down the last two years, if he hadn't done that. Professor Tyler affected my life too. So I don't want anything to change. Because if things change, then so many things that I have worked for would be in vain."

Severus stared at the man in utter confusion. Remus ignored him, caught up in his own memories.

"If things changed, I wouldn't have done everything I had done. Being alone, the only marauder left, let me focus on my life. And that sounds selfish." Remus' gaze traveled to the fire. Severus knew that the other man no longer noticed his presence. "I've thought about what would happen if Lily and James were still alive, and if Sirius hadn't been incarcerated. And after thinking about it, even having them around wouldn't have made my life any easier; it would have made it harder in fact, because I never would have left England."

"What did you do all those years, anyway? No one heard from you until you came to teach all those years ago."

Remus shook himself out of his thoughts at the sound of the other man's voice. "I was following Professor Tyler's advice."

One eyebrow rose, a silent question.

"One day Professor Tyler found me moping around the castle. James and Sirius were off looking up books that 'Tyler' had suggested would help them in their goal to becoming aurors. Well, I didn't want to join them, especially since I would never be able to take those exams, all because of what I am. My favorite subject had always been Defense. What could I do in the field I loved?" Remus paused for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. "Anyway, like I said, Professor Tyler found me, and we went for a walk. He told me something that gave me hope for my future and changed my life. He said, 'Remus, don't let petty, narrow-minded individuals control your life. They don't have that right. They can't take away the things that you love. Go and do what you love, what you're good at. If you love Defense go and study, research, and master it.' And I did."

"Doesn't answer the question, does it?"

"I'll get there. Right now, in fact. Did you think that Albus hired me in Harry's third year to teach because I knew Sirius?"

"The thought had crossed my mind."

"No, after I went out and learned everything I could, I wrote books on Defense. A lot of books."

"I've never seen them. I probably would have read them; for sheer entertainment value of course." Remus stood and shook his head at the other man. He knew that Severus was just being himself. He walked over to one of the many bookshelves that lined the walls of the room. He ran his fingers over the spines of Severus' books; Harry's were kept on the other side of the room. Picking one he walked back over to the man sitting sedately in his chair sipping wine and held out the book. Severus took it and caressed the well-worn spine. It was one of the best Defense books in existence, a top seller, right after the collected works of Lockhart. Severus had used it often as a reference. "Advanced Defense Techniques," Rupert Knight. He stared up at the man that just handed the book to him.

"You're Rupert Knight?"

Remus smiled. "Yes, the most mysterious writer ever. Absolutely nothing is known about him, besides the Owl Post Box that I keep under that name. Do you think that anyone would publish a book written by a werewolf?"

"Will wonders never cease?"

"We're all selfish, Severus, from time to time. Look at it this way. I don't know how 'Professor Tyler' affected your life, so I'm just going to hazard a guess. You don't have to confirm it." Remus narrowed his amber eyes, and looked at Severus appraisingly. "If you hadn't joined the Death Eaters, our side wouldn't have one of its best spies. And Harry might not have the confidant that he needed. And I might not have a dear friend."

"You're becoming maudlin, Remus."

Remus opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted as a banging resounded on the door. Severus stood to see who was there, stopping as Sirius' voice carried through the heavy wood.

"I don't care how you do it! Rip down his wards! Draco, just do it!" Severus opened his door to see a very angry Sirius Black holding a confused and dazed Draco Malfoy.

"Sorry, Severus, I was dragged here against my will. I don't have the faintest idea what's going on, but my best guess is that Sirius is really annoyed with you." Draco wrenched his arm out of the other man's grasp, and walked through the open door. Sirius just pushed past Severus and walked in. Slamming the door behind the two, Severus glared at the invaders.

"How can I help you?" Severus said in the most disdainful voice he could manage.

"How dare you!" Sirius spat at the other dark haired man.

"How dare I what, Black?" Unlike the other man, Severus kept his voice soft and even.

"You turned my godson into a bleeding 'well'!"

"Uh oh." Draco sat down on the couch so as not to get in the way, but Sirius spun to face him.

"You knew? You knew what they had done, and you didn't tell me! I thought Harry was your friend, Draco!"

"Sirius, calm down and explain what's going on." Remus placed a hand on the other's elbow. Sirius just shook it off and moved over by the fire. Remus looked at Severus, but he just stared at Black. The answer came from Draco.

"He's talking about their bond." The blond motioned toward Severus.

"I think someone had better explain."

Draco looked toward the werewolf. "The short of it was that instead of the typical soul joining type everyone thought they had, it was really a life blood bond." Remus' mouth hung open in shock at the explanation.

"No time to discuss this. We need to get some potions or something. Harry's sick, and it's all that bastard's fault." Sirius pointed one finger at the potions master.

Severus, for his part had gone even paler than normal. Draco stood and started searching. "You won't find them, Draco. There aren't any out; they're in the storage cabinet. Go into my office and get one of the divided boxes." Draco nodded before silently exiting the room. Severus moved over to a cabinet that was locked. Muttering what must have been a password under his breath, he started to rummage through the cabinets pulling out what appeared to be random bottles. When Draco returned he started to place the selected vials into individual compartments.

The other men hadn't been idle. Remus had managed to get the whole story out of Sirius, then turned to watch Severus separate potions. He knew that there had to be more than Sirius was letting on. Severus would never coerce Harry into doing something. If anything, Harry would be the one coercing Severus. That wasn't very probable either, however.

"We should tell Albus."

"Remus, you do that and I will poison your next batch of Wolfsbane potion, friend or not." Severus hadn't even turned around. "I hope that you haven't returned that bloody Time-Turner, Black. For Harry's sake."

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*The Past*

Severus Snape pushed open the door to the infirmary quietly, trying not to waken any of the patients that might be sleeping. He looked around to see if the matron was anywhere to be found.

Severus edged further into the room looking at all the empty beds. Of course at three o'clock in the morning all to be seen were empty beds, unless some poor unfortunate had to remain under Madame Pomfrey's supervision for the night. Severus was there for a sleeping draught. Madame Pomfrey never asked if you wanted to talk about what was keeping you up. After all, that was the job of the Heads of House. Usually Severus wouldn't have hesitated going to his Head of House. In the past, he had been able to talk to Simeon about many of the things troubling him, but for some reason he just didn't feel comfortable talking to the man about what had been disconcerting him of late.

Severus unconsciously rubbed his arm again as he headed for Madame Pomfrey's office. There was an alert charm set so that if anyone entered the office Madame Pomfrey would come to his or her aid. Severus was deep into his thoughts about the Mark and his new 'master' when a voice called to him.

"Snape? What are you doing here at this time of night?"

Severus turned toward the voice, and looked at the boy that was wrapped in thick blankets on the bed. Remus Lupin, Hogwart's resident werewolf. "I'd ask you the same, but I can already answer that. The full moon was the night before last, wasn't it?" The other boy nodded before looking at him questionably. Severus had never liked Remus, but then again he had never hated him either, until the Shrieking Shack incident. And that hadn't so much made him hate Remus, as it made him afraid of the other boy. Remus, though, didn't look very scary at the moment. "Was it a hard transformation?"

"Slightly worse then normal. But I feel better now. Thank you for asking. What brings you to the realm of torture otherwise known as Hogwarts' hospital wing?"

"Madame Pomfrey isn't that bad."

"Granted, she's really nice to me, but then again my affliction isn't my fault. However, if you're hurt, and you could have avoided it, then you better beware. She's of the 'tough love' school to those who do not tread carefully." Remus smiled thoughtfully as a memory came to him. "Which explains why she is so tough on the Quidditch players. They could avoid getting hurt if they would just stop riding those 'stupid sticks' as she calls them."

Severus cautiously moved closer to the other boy. "You're awfully talkative tonight, Lupin."

"I've been on bed rest for the last two days. I tend to get so bored that all I can do is sleep. So now it's the middle of the night, and I'm wide awake. You're just the unlucky one that happened to be walking through the infirmary when my book got dull. So, why are you here?"

The quickest way to shut him up would be to answer, so Severus did just that. "Sleeping draught."

"That happens to me sometimes, I can't sleep at night. Usually I just look at the curtains all night, and by the following evening I'm so exhausted that I can sleep through the night. But then again I'm used to keeping strange hours, on occasion." Remus sat up straighter in the bed that he was occupying and took a closer look at Snape. "Are you sure that you're just here for a sleeping potion, Snape. I've been noticing you favoring your arm recently. Did you hurt it?"

"None of your business, Lupin." Severus snapped. Remus pulled back at the sharp tone.

"Well, I apologize for trying to carry on a conversation, Snape. I was only trying to be considerate." The golden haired, amber-eyed boy looked away before muttering under his breath, "It's no wonder why Sirius dumped you."

"Let me guess, because I'm friends with Lucius and he couldn't stand it?"

"No. Granted, he didn't like Lucius, but he thought you were interesting. At least, at first." Remus had turned back to look at him.

"At first? Of course, I forgot, Black tires tremendously easy."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "He does tend to run through significant others fairly quickly, doesn't he?"

"Like water."

Remus chuckled at the unexpected joke. "It wasn't that he 'tired' of you, Snape."

"All right, his friends couldn't stand me."

"James can't stand you; Peter and I tolerated you. I choose to continue doing so. You aren't nearly as bad as you were when we were younger, although the tendency to be an utter jackass seems to be returning."

The only marauder who could spar with words; not even close to the same level as Severus, but both of them tended to resort to words instead of violence. "Well, since it seems that you know absolutely everything, oh wise moon gazer," Severus said, voice dripping with sarcasm, "do tell me why the noble and honorable Mr. Black wanted nothing to do with me after such a short time."

Remus totally ignored the tone of voice, and answered the question. "Because you never talked to him."

Severus stared. "We talked."

"About totally inconsequential things. Nothing of significance every passed between the two of you. He wanted to get to know you, and you wouldn't let him do so."

"And what right did he have to get to know me? How could I trust him? I don't just go telling everyone about my life. It's none of their business."

"Sirius wasn't everyone, Snape. He never told us what the two of you talked about."

Severus stared at the amber eyes and saw only truth there, although he didn't believe it. "You actually expect me to believe that? Black loves rumors. Anyone that knows him knows that. Everything about me would have spread through the school like wildfire."

"Sirius keeps his confidences." Remus almost looked hurt. That's when Severus remembered that Sirius had at least kept one confidence, Remus' lycanthropy. The idiot wouldn't breathe a word about it.

"I think he only has enough room in his miniscule mind to keep your secret safe, Lupin. Everything else just leaks out of his brain through his mouth."

Remus looked at the other boy with sad eyes. "You really need to learn to trust someone, Severus. If you don't, then who are you going to confide in when the pressure becomes too much to bear?" Remus shifted the blankets so that he could lie down. Taking his wand he whispered "nox", and the small oil lamp next to the bed that had cast light on them during their conversation winked out. Severus just stared at where the boys face had been, while he listened to the rustle of the sheets as Remus settled down to sleep.

Severus turned and headed back out of the infirmary without looking back, not bothering to go into Madame Pomfrey's office after all. He wasn't sure if he would be able to get to sleep, but then again his unlikely conversation with Lupin had left him with quite a bit to think about, so sleep was out of the question.

He never did notice, that at the end, Remus had used his given name.

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