Title: The Paradox of Existence

Author: DragonLight

Summary: The future repeats itself in the past, i.e. which came first the chicken or the egg.

Pairing: HP/SS

Rating: R or NC-17, depending where you are

Archive: here, my site, and the SnapexHarryML - both web addresses can be found on my author profile page

Huge, huge thanks to my beta Isis.

Thank You to everyone who reviewed and supplied feedback.

A/N: This is an NC-17 chapter. For the complete chapter please visit my webpage or the SnapexHarryML. My former offer also stands. I will email the version if requested.

Disclaimer: All characters that are the least bit familiar belong to JKR-same with places and items. Don't recognize it then it's mine.
Chapter Fifteen: Descent Into Madness

*The Past*

The quick succession of knocks sounded on his door again. Harry glared at the door before standing up from his seat by the fire where he had been reading. He set the book down on the armrest of his chair at the interruption. He hadn't had much time to devote to the book that Draco had brought him back in November; it was now April, and he had only gotten a quarter of the way through it. Muttering the blank page spell in case it was someone that he couldn't just get rid of, he made his way over to the door. Just as he got there the sharp knock sounded again. This was really getting annoying. Opening the door he prepared to deliver his most scathing retort. A far cry from the ones Severus issued, but he didn't have nearly as much practice. The words caught in his throat as a most unlikely sight greeted him.

Standing in his doorway were Sirius and Severus. Severus' hair was red. A deep burgundy red. Even odder than that, was the fact that the two men were *not* arguing with each other. Harry just stood in the doorway, blinking.

"Gonna move?" Sirius had a wide grin on his face. "McGonagall told me you were down here."

"I assume she met up with 'Mr. Blake Hearst' again?" Shaking himself out of his momentary shock, Harry moved away from the door and allowed the two men to enter. They brushed past him and Harry shut the door. "You haven't killed each other yet?"

"Yes. We had a lovely conversation. And I know it's a miracle." Sirius looked over at Severus and smirked. "Don't you think that Snape looks horrible as a redhead?"

Harry looked at Severus and the older man stared right back at him, straight in the eyes. Harry quickly looked away and turned back to his godfather. "I just don't know. Definitely not what I was expecting to see. How did you get away with doing that?" Harry turned to Severus. "You didn't curse him into oblivion?"

Severus didn't respond. He looked as if he was weighing the merit of the suggestion.

Sirius looked at Severus before returning his attention to Harry. "Very funny, Harry. Actually I'm not even supposed to be here since I came last time. Albus wanted to send Severus, and for some reason Severus invited me to come along. I agreed, on the condition that he allowed me to put him under a disguise spell." The smirk that crossed Sirius' face was pure evil.

Harry paled at the information. Severus didn't want to see him alone. Of course, Severus knew what had happened since he had already lived it and now wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. "Really? Seems very unSeverus like." Harry schooled his voice into what he hoped was a steady, indifferent tone.

"I know I was surprised that he asked me to tag along too. One would think that he would want to do whatever you two normally do." Sirius was, as usual, obliquely referring to their relationship. He would never say right out that Harry was with Severus. "But when I asked, all he said was that he didn't want--" Severus pointedly walked over Sirius' foot on his way to the liquor cabinet. "Greasy git. Anyway as I was saying when I asked-"

"Give it up, Sirius. I'm sure that it really isn't important. I'm glad to see you again. Anything interesting happen?"

Harry tuned out his godfather after a few words into the whole, 'Have to get Harry the potions before Albus finds out story', instead falling into his own thoughts. He was pretty sure that Sirius was going to say something, like how Severus didn't want to be alone with him, or didn't really want to go see him. He sighed as he realized he was becoming positively melancholy. A finger tapped his shoulder and Harry turned to look at Severus. He was holding out a tumbler.

Harry took it and stared at the contents. Scotch. Not Brandy. Not *their* drink. He looked up so he could look at Severus but the other man had moved away to the chair that Harry had previously occupied, on the other side of the room. Harry let out a sigh and turned, so he could cast locking and silencing charms before looking at his godfather.

"Well Siri, since I doubt anything of serious import has happened since I last saw you, what does Albus want to know?"

Sirius moved to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a glass of scotch. He glared at Severus. "You could have poured me one. It wouldn't have killed you." Severus' response was just a shrug. "He hasn't said a word since we got here. I think he's trying to be difficult. What do you think, Harry?"

"Severus is always difficult." Harry rotated the glass in his hands before raising it to his lips to take a swallow. "It's just the way he is, but you know that. After all, you went to school with him." Harry sat on the couch and Sirius followed suit.

Getting down to business, Sirius squared his shoulders and looked at the younger man. "Albus wants to know the usual. Personally, I don't see the point. Everyone knows that you're going to do your job."

Harry sighed again and looked at the ceiling. He couldn't seem to focus on the conversation very well. His mind was elsewhere. He wanted to talk to Severus alone, but at the same time he didn't. Sirius' presence kept any private conversation between the two of them from happening anyway. Harry was almost positive that was the reason behind Severus bringing Sirius along. The two men usually couldn't stand each other, yet they had come together. Harry wanted to ask if he was right, but knew there was no use. Severus wouldn't tell him and Sirius was probably clueless as usual.

Harry did the only thing that he could: he reported on his mission. "As I told Draco, the hit on Harold Potter was accomplished by Voldemort. It did cause the order to trust my translation more, at least to a point." Harry's voice was cold and indifferent. He was so use to reporting such things that they no longer fazed him. "All the attacks that I have uncovered since have been stopped successfully by either the Order, or by members of the Ministry acting on anonymous tips from the Order. The counter actions are so well coordinated that it doesn't even seem that anyone knows what's going to happen before it does, except the opposition. Of the four attacks that I translated only one wasn't carried out."

Sirius yawned. "It figures. Cut and dried as usual."

"Simple minded as always, Black." It was the first time that Severus had spoken all evening. "What had always appeared to be random attacks were actually strategic moves, planned months if not years into the future. It's like a chess match. Right now we are successfully blocking moves. Having Harry here gave us the edge that we needed to win the first time around."

Sirius looked affronted. "Greasy git. What do you see in this jerk anyways, Harry?"

Now that Severus had gotten over his no-talking hurdle the floodgates opened. "Curbing your tongue, Black? Or you just can't come up with anything more intelligent to say?"

"Do I look like I want to irritate my godson?"

"That has never stopped you before. Personally I'm amazed to see you act with any sort of forethought to your actions."

"Sev, stop baiting Sirius. You know that he'll fall for it. He always does. And this time I'm not going to get mad at him if you induce him into insulting you on purpose."

"But it's so much fun to watch you beat your godmutt to a bloody pulp during one of your 'practice' matches."

Sirius' eyes lit up in anticipation. "That's what we haven't done in a while Harry. Practice Match." Sirius smiled a feral smile at Harry.

Harry turned his gaze from his godfather to Severus. The smirk that was on his lover's face gave away the fact that things were falling right into place into Severus' scheme. "It there a reason that you want me to beat up my godfather, Severus?"

"Since when have I ever had a reason for wanting to see your godmutt flattened? But if you need one, I do have one. We can't let all your musculature deteriorate, now, can we?" Severus responded, while examining his nails in casual indifference.

"Hmm. Perhaps." Harry continued to take leisurely swallows of his scotch while Sirius downed the rest of his, jumped up and started to stretch out his arms.

"Come on, Harry. Need to make sure that you still know how to wield those knives."

Harry shrugged once before downing his scotch and standing up. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea; after all, this way he wouldn't be thinking about where his relationship had gone wrong, if in fact it had gone wrong. Because he didn't know what Severus was thinking and that made him wonder what he was thinking. And if he would ever find out.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Severus watched Harry from the relative safety of his chair. All other furniture had been shrunk and banished to the other side of the room. The two men removed their shirts and stretched; Severus appreciated the view of the play of the muscles under his young lover's skin.

After knowing Harry for as long and as intimately as he had, he could see the telltale signs of stress permeating Harry's stance and attitude. Harry had been unusually snappy; it had been remarkably easy for Severus to bait the younger man into fighting Black. Usually it was harder to get to Harry. Oh, Severus knew how to get under Harry's skin, but it expended way too much energy. Draco had an easier time of it simply because Harry allowed it. Harry had told Severus once that it was because he found sparring with someone of a similar build as himself, such as Draco, 'relaxing'. Of course, Harry knew that he couldn't allow himself the pleasure of thinking that his opponents would have a similar build to him -- in fact, very few had -- so when sparring against someone else, he tended to choose radically different body types. That was the reason that fighting Severus or Black was 'taxing'. Black was had a stocky, tall build, he had pure weight on his size. Severus on the other hand had reach. So, when Harry was stressed he tended to avoid sparring with the two older men.

Severus shook himself out of his thoughts and looked back at the two men, who were facing each other. His gaze passed over the various weapons that each one carried at all times, not even taking them into account. Instead he looked at their demeanors. Knowing how each man fought was a personal advantage. Severus knew that Harry would win even before the match started. Black had assumed his normal practice match posture, loose and relaxed, whereas Harry had set himself up in an almost battle-ready stance. His muscles were compressed and a tense; he was ready to spring.

And spring he did. Harry leapt at Sirius, shouting the obligatory childish insults, and almost landed a downward slash on Sirius' arm.

"Getting slow, old man?"

"Who're you calling slow, boy?"

"But you admit you're old?"

More insults in a similar vein would follow. Things were going exactly how Severus had planned it. While Harry was busy fighting Sirius, Severus could think about his bonded, and the current situation they found themselves in, without anyone, especially Harry, the wiser. The two men would ignore him as they attempted to cut each other to ribbons. And if Harry was ignoring him, he could avoid the conversation he just knew was going to happen.

Severus lifted the tumbler of scotch to his lips as he thought about the problem that had eaten at him since he had discovered that his bonded and his sixth year Defense teacher were the same man.

Severus had denied the fact that Harry was 'Octavian' for as long as possible. Eventually, however, he reached the point that he couldn't deny it any longer. It had hit him hard. He hadn't wanted Harry to be 'Octavian', because if he was Octavian then that meant *Harry* and his younger self had been involved. Severus had, almost immediately, taken that thought and shoved it behind a door in his mind. It had only escaped to plague him a few times since.

This line of thought had taken many forms. It's latest a question: why would Harry do something so wrong? Severus would never take another lover, but that was exactly what Harry had done.

Severus would never say certain things aloud, but he could admit them to himself; not always easily, but he could. And one thing he knew was that he loved Harry. Granted, Harry was much freer with such words then he was, but it didn't mean that Severus didn't return the sentiment. He just didn't express it nearly as often. He knew that Harry knew how he felt. After all, he had told Harry, once. It had been approximately five years ago, but that didn't make the statement any less true.

Severus turned his attention to the two fighters, hoping to shake away the morose thoughts. Neither had managed to cut the other. The verbal jabs the two men were throwing at each other, however, we progressing. They had become rather crude, but such a turn was to be expected. The insults always started to deteriorate after a while.

"So, Sirius, did you find your mate last time you were in your animagus form?"

"Well there was this poodle…"

"That's sick."

"You asked."

Severus blocked out the sound of the two men and returned his thoughts inward, looking at his Harry tackling his godfather but not actually registering it.

Why did Harry take his younger self as a lover? True, when he was younger, he had shamelessly taken advantage of the fact that 'Professor Tyler' was drunk. What bothered Severus was that he knew Harry well enough to know that Harry had never and would never be drunk enough to just have sex with another person. Harry and Draco had gotten drunk together numerous times, even passing out in one or the other's room, but they'd never done anything. Severus knew that Draco found Harry attractive. And Harry even acknowledged that Draco was striking. Harry had gotten as good as Severus when it came to controlling himself.

Severus reached out for the bottle of scotch and poured himself another portion then downed it in a single gulp. Harry was his. Not his younger self's. Was Harry sleeping with his younger self the same as Harry carrying on an affair with another person? For all of his intelligence, Severus couldn't wrap his mind around the question enough to come to an answer. And what he wanted to know more than anything was Harry's reasons for his actions.

This wasn't a conversation that Severus could have with Harry at this time. It would end up in a fight. A very loud fight. Severus knew that given the situation and the problem, he should just leave and let Harry stew. He knew that he couldn't do that though. Ultimately it would hurt Harry, and if Harry was hurt, who knew what would change?

In order to keep the timeline in balance, time travelers needed to walk a precarious path. This task was Harry's, as well as, to a point, the task of those who visited him. This was why Harry was not allowed to know the events that would occur in the past - his future as Tyler. Severus had wanted nothing more than to change it. He wanted to tell Harry everything that had happened between himself and his former teacher. He had been overcome with a desperate desire to change the past -- and ultimately his future. Until he thought about what it would mean: changing the past, and the future, could cause him to lose Harry.

After a long debate with himself over the idea, Severus decided that nothing would be worth the risk. He loved Harry more than anything. So he stayed silent about the past, never breathing a word. But now his anger at the situation, his lover, and himself was leading to the disruption of this careful balance. He wanted nothing more than to have the row that he knew was coming with Harry.

But he stopped himself, because when it came down to it, Severus knew Harry's personality and reactions. He knew how Harry would react to a fight. It was obvious that the younger man was unsure about Severus' reaction. He knew that Harry needed some sort of reassurance, reassurance that Severus couldn't offer him right now.

The easiest thing for Severus to do would be to avoid all visits. He'd let Black or Draco go back. Albus, however, had other plans -- the meddling old fool!

Thoughts of his past relationship with 'Professor Tyler' had led Severus to thoughts about his younger self. What could Harry have possibly seen in him as a younger boy? He had been a spoiled know-it-all, nearly as bad as Draco and Granger combined. He hadn't been as spoiled as James Potter, but nonetheless his Grandfather had given him anything he had wanted. Yes, he had to admit that he had been weak as a child. Harry wasn't attracted to weak individuals; all of his close friends were strong-willed and could think for themselves, whether or not Severus wanted to admit to such. So what had possessed Harry?

When he turned his thoughts to his days as a student under 'Octavian Tyler', images and memories came flooding back. Images and memories that he didn't want to contemplate. He clutched the glass in his hand tighter and tried to banish the thoughts, wanting to think about anything else. Anything other than his younger self sleeping with Harry.

Harry was his. As an adult Severus had fought to keep the young man safe. He had fought to be with him as both lover and friend. He had fought for Harry because he loved him. Harry was *his* and his younger self had done nothing, nothing to deserve Harry.

Severus was jerked out of his thoughts by a sharp, stinging pain lancing through his hand.

"Severus," Harry's voice was firm and pulled Severus' attention to him. "Are you all right?" He looked at Harry, who had a worried look in his eyes. "Did you cut your hand when the glass shattered?" That was when it finally hit him what had happened. In his anger, he had squeezed until he shattered the glass in his hand. Looking down, he saw multiple cuts crossing his palm.

He looked back up at Harry, schooling his face into an impassive mask. "There were no cuts, Harry. I'm fine." Severus clenched his fist. "If you two have finished your little fight, I suggest that Black and I be on our way." Taking out his wand, Severus muttered a spell, and the glass shards were no more. Then with another wave, he undid the spell that had shrunk the furniture and banished it, pulling the pieces back to their proper places in the room.

Severus stood and made his way over to where the two men were standing. Sirius was putting his shirt back on and putting his weapons back into their proper hiding places. Harry, on the other hand, was just staring at him.

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Something wrong?"

"No." Shaking his head, Harry turned away and moved to the door.

"Harry, we're going to leave from here." Sirius stepped in front of Harry. Sirius' eyes were slightly narrowed and he was looking back and forth between Severus and Harry. They had both noticed that Severus had been lost in his own thoughts for quite a long time. Harry knew he had been a little hard on Sirius during their match. Sirius had had quite a hard time defending against him. Harry could practically see the gears turning in his godfather's head, piecing the puzzle together, coming to the conclusion that all was not right with his godson and Severus. "Of course if you two need a minute, well…" Severus' glare cut him off. Not that that stopped Sirius. "I think that I need to use the facilities. Through the bedroom right, Harry?" Harry just nodded in affirmation. He followed Sirius' exit with his eyes before turning to Severus.

"Sev?"

"No. We are not having this conversation now. It will wait until you come back. We can't have this conversation now." Turning his head to the bedroom door Severus raised his voice. "Black, quit eavesdropping. We're going."

Sirius exited, looking sheepishly at Harry, and walked over to Severus, pulling the chain of the timeturner from beneath his shirt on the way. Handing a length of chain to Severus so the other man could put it around his neck also, Sirius took out his wand and prepared to speak the incantation that would take then back to the proper time.

After the two men disappeared, Harry sat on the couch, summoning the bottle of scotch and his glass. He thought of the look on Severus' face, the impassive mask that Severus had quickly put up. But he hadn't put it up quickly enough. Harry had glimpsed the myriad of emotions that were in Severus' eyes before they dulled to hide those emotions. That one glance had told Harry everything that he needed to know. Severus was hurt. Hurt and extremely angry. And Harry knew that it was his fault.

Downing the glass he had poured himself, he realized he had a long night ahead of him. He doubted that he would be getting any sleep. He poured himself another glass and quickly drank it too, already planning on drowning his problems with Severus… forgetting that a similar action had led to those problems in the first place.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

A sharp knock on the door startled Harry from his sprawled-out position in front of the fire. A chill swept through his body. Harry just knew he didn't like what was coming, but he forced himself up off of the floor to go and answer the door.

Seeing the last person in the world that he wanted to see made Harry slam the door. He glared at the door and waited for the pounding to resume. He knew he wouldn't be getting rid of the young Severus Snape that easily. Once the pounding started again he moved back to open the door. No matter how much he wished otherwise, the face that looked at him was a younger version of that which belonged to his lover.

"Go away, Mr. Snape. I'm in no fit state to entertain today."

"You look perfectly fit to me, Professor."

Harry narrowed his eyes at his student. "I thought I had told you to stay far away from me."

"You did, Professor, but I just couldn't stay away. I really wanted to talk to you about what happened between us."

Harry was still blocking the doorway; he had no intention of letting the brat into his private rooms again. "Then it's too bad that I don't want to talk about it. Be on your way, Mr. Snape. I do not desire to be in your presence."

Severus edged closer to his teacher, causing Professor Tyler to take a step back. He used the opportunity to duck underneath his teacher's arm and into the rooms. Looking around, he noticed that the furniture had been moved around. He also noticed the two glasses on the table. He wondered if one of the people that he heard had visited might have been the man he had seen Professor Tyler with in the hallway, the man he suspected was his professor's lover. Shaking off the thought, Severus turned around. That wasn't why he was there.

Still standing by the doorway was his Defense Professor. He was shirtless, and Severus wished Professor Tyler taught Defense dressed that way. It was quite a delicious sight. The last time he had seen Professor Tyler without his shirt on, it had been too dark to see anything. Now Severus could see the multitude of scars that covered his upper torso, some of which weren't very nice-looking at all. Especially the one on his upper chest, not far below his right nipple, where the letters 'TMR' had been carved into his chest. Severus felt a shudder run up his spine.

Octavian was glaring at him. "What do you think that you are doing, Mr. Snape?"

"I came for a visit. You don't look all that steady, Professor. Why don't you let me help you to lie down?" Severus made his way over to Professor Tyler and rested his hand on his arm. Professor Tyler only flinched slightly. "I know that you're mad at me. I was hoping that I could change that." Looking at his professor's face, Severus adopted what he hoped would be a believable apologetic countenance. "I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Then go away."

"I can't. Please, Octavian. Just sit down."

Octavian narrowed his eyes again at the use of his name, but he didn't move. Instead he tried to move his arm out from under Severus' grasp. The jerky movement caused him to stumble backwards. "Bloody alcohol. I'm never drinking again."

Severus grabbed him before he fell. The look of gratefulness vanished quickly from Octavian's face after Severus' mouth covered his in a demanding kiss. A moment later he was released. "I'm going to hell."

"Then I'll go with you."

"Get out." Octavian's voice was deadly quiet.

"No. You know that you want this as much as I do." Neither knew who started the bruising kiss. Neither cared.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

*// … So you see, both of us wanted this. You can't deny it, Octavian. Don't try. This time I get the last word.

Severus Snape//*

Harry tossed the small piece of parchment into the fire. The bastard had left while he slept, while he slept, so he wouldn't have to deal with an angry professor. He was going to make Severus' life hell. He really was.

But he couldn't be too angry with him. As an adult, Severus was manipulative. He could usually manage to get what he wanted from anyone, excepting Dumbledore and Voldemort, and, sometimes, Harry. Clearly, Severus had been no different as a young man.

That was why Harry's real anger and disappointment were with himself. He knew what Severus was like, yet he still had allowed himself to be manipulated.

Godforsaken alcohol. It was more trouble than it was worth.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

*The Future: Harry's Seventh Year*

Harry dropped his head down onto his worktable as soon as he sat down for potions class. He didn't lift his head as Severus stormed into the room in his typically overly dramatic style. Usually Harry would show more respect, but today he didn't care. He didn't know how to make himself care.

The night before, Harry had woken up shortly after going to sleep, when his scar started sending shooting pains through his head. From experience he knew that pain relieving potions or charms wouldn't work. The pain was as much a part of him as his scar. Whoever Voldemort had tortured the night before, Voldemort wanted Harry to know about it.

But lack of sleep wasn't what had made Harry's head fall to his desk and not rise; after all, Harry was used to not sleeping. Pain from his scar was rather routine. What made Harry lose the concentration that he needed to get through days such as this was the information that Dumbledore had just given him.

Right before class, Dumbledore had taken Harry aside to bring him up to date about the situation with his godfather. Sirius had gone missing a month earlier. No one in the Order had seen him, and Harry was worried. A couple of weeks earlier the Order had decided to send Remus to look for him; they had lost contact with him too.

The news was that last night Severus had been called. He had returned with information concerning his godfather and Remus. Severus had told Dumbledore that Voldemort had somehow found both Sirius and Remus, and had handed them over to his loyal Death Eaters. For entertainment. The only reason that they had escaped was because of the full moon. No one had wanted to step in front of a growling werewolf. Sirius had transformed and the two took off, but were once again missing, probably hurt, and at the moment Dumbledore had no one available to send to look for them. Not that they knew where to look. The Death Eater meeting had once again been held at an unplottable and non-distinctive location.

The final straw had been Dumbledore's refusal to update Harry on his 'mentor's' condition. Harry knew that it was pointless trying to figure out how badly Severus had been tortured, if at all, the night before. Severus always kept his walls firmly in place while in public.

Another sharp pain shot down his spine from his scar, but Harry lacked the energy to even move his hand to his head. He just kept his head down, feverishly wondering how something could hurt so much without showing the least bit externally. He almost groaned, but knew better than to draw even more attention to himself.

Harry's short reprieve was cut even shorter. Any hope that Severus would go easy on him for the class period was dashed as soon as 'Professor Snape' opened his mouth.

"Mr. Potter, I will not have obvious acts of inattention carried out in my class. If you cannot stay awake during classes then I suggest that during the night you partake in what us mere mortals call sleep."

It wasn't so much what Severus said, more so the tone that he had used. Harry had become quite capable at reading the subtle nuances in Severus' voice, and today his voice contained the sound of loathing Harry hadn't heard for quite some time. Harry dragged his head up and looked toward the potions master. Cold eyes narrowed at him, and Harry flinched back as if he had been slapped. He didn't understand the mood that Severus was in, and decided that it might be best to rally whatever strength he could gather, and be as attentive as possible for the remainder of the class. Harry's resolve to pay attention during the class was short lived, however. Soon Harry's head was once again drooping down, due to both the lack of sleep, and the migraine that was made worse by the noise of both students and clinking vials.

"Mr. Potter! I know that you haven't had the most inspiring of influences in your life. A 'father' that's nothing more than a lazy, good-for-nothing, cursed individual, no better than a rabid mutt, and an uncle who cannot control his impulses and most likely belongs locked up in a muggle zoo, since that is the only place that he could possibly benefit society. Considering who you are, one should be able to expect better than that. Since you obviously have no brain and can therefore not perform the simplest task, you could at least *stay awake*!"

Harry had gone even paler then he was by midway through Severus' lecture. The majority of the class had no clue as to what Severus had meant, but there were four individuals who did: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco. To these students, it was obvious that Severus was not talking about James Potter and Vernon Dursley like the rest of the class thought, but was in fact talking about Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Draco was as surprised as Harry. Ron and Hermione still expected Snape to say such things to Harry, but Draco knew better. He had interrupted their mentor-mentee discussions enough to know that Harry and Snape got along a lot better then either let on. When Dumbledore had made Sirius Draco's mentor, Draco had learned a lot about the former escaped convict, and one of the things that he had realized was just how important Sirius and Harry were to each other. If he knew that, then Snape had to have known. But Severus had been purposely callous towards Harry, and it was obvious that the 'Boy-Who-Lived' was already having a horrible day.

Harry could barely think. He knew what Severus was saying, but he didn't know why. Severus had stopped insulting Harry's family when he discovered just how much it hurt him. Why would his *lover* do such a thing? It was one thing to insult the Dursleys and even James Potter, but Sirius and Remus were his only family now. Now Severus was being deliberately cruel again. Harry desperately wanted to hit him.

The entire class was waiting with bated breath for what they were sure would be the blow-up of the century. They were all shocked when it didn't happen. Instead of the expected screaming match, they watched as Harry silently gathered his books and stood. Not quite being able to keep his balance, due to the pain from his scar, he stumbled out of the room. Quite a few of the students saw the tears on his cheeks, although they didn't quite understand their cause. Those that did, glared at the potions master who was looking at the open door with narrowed eyes.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Hours later, Ron and Hermione were sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall eating dinner. No one had seen Harry since the potions class, and his two friends were beginning to become worried, since they didn't know where they could find Harry. They thought that he might be in the Order training areas, but neither of them had the passwords to get there. The only other student besides Harry that had those passwords was Malfoy, and neither had any intention of talking to the Slytherin. So instead, the two poked at their dinner, and kept glancing at the entrance to the Great Hall, hoping to see their friend walk through the doors.

At the Slytherin table, Draco was also poking and pushing his food around on his plate. Dumbledore had called him to his office shortly after classes to inform him that his mentor was still missing. He now understood why Harry was more upset with Severus than usual. Granted, the two bickered and sniped and greatly disliked each other, but Draco was almost positive that they had come to mutually respect each other. His gaze wandered over to the Gryffindor table. After leaving Dumbledore's office, he had gone straight down to the training rooms to see if Harry had gone there. There was no sign of him. Looking at the 'Golden Boy's' two friends made him wonder if he was up in Gryffindor Tower. A friendship of sorts was forming between the two of them, and Draco had gotten to the point that he knew he could talk to Harry and trust him not to betray anything that was said. And right now Draco desperately wanted someone to talk to about his missing mentor. Deciding to make the first move, he stood up and headed over to the Gryffindor table.

"Weasley, Granger." The two seventh years turned around to look at the blond that was now standing behind them. They didn't answer; they just stared. Draco pressed on. "Have you seen Potter around?"

"Why would you care, ferret?" The red-headed boy narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. Many of the surrounding Gryffindors were nodding their agreement to the treatment of the Slytherin.

"Just wondering. I had something to talk to him about." Telling the truth to Gryffindors was the worst thing that Draco could think of.

"Well, just leave him alone. He doesn't need the likes of you making his life any more difficult." Granger spoke and then turned back to her dinner, studiously avoiding Malfoy.

"Malfoy!" Draco turned to see Harry making his way toward him. Ron and Hermione also looked up at the approach of their friend.

"Just wondering where you had gone off and hid, Potter." Draco looked closely at the other boy's face. He could still see signs of strain around the eyes, and his lips were pulled a little tight in pain. But his eyes weren't quite as dull, and he had his usual smile back in place.

"Yes, Harry, where did you disappear to all day?" Hermione had stood up and wrapped her arms around Harry in a hug, which he gladly returned.

"I spent the day visiting Hagrid. He's still recovering from that bite of that sick acromantacula. We talked for a while. I slept. And I didn't wake up. But the best part happened right before I came here." Harry looked quickly at Draco, then back to his friends. "My dog, Snuffles, showed up. Professor Lupin found him wandering around the forbidden forest. They showed up at Hagrid's hut. I'll get to see him after I eat dinner, he's down in Professor Lupin's rooms." Turning to look at Draco he gave a half smile before continuing. Putting on his best sneer he started talking. "What are you doing here, Malfoy? I hope that you aren't bugging my friends."

"Why would I bother?" Draco raised a single eyebrow. "Catch you around, Potter." Draco turned on his heel and made for the exit. Harry got a feeling that as soon as he was out of sight Draco was going to break into a run. Harry understood that everyone needed someone to talk to. Someone that understood them. Amazingly, Draco had found that in Harry's godfather, and he wasn't going to get in the way of that. Draco was having a hard time this year since he had been branded a turncoat by most of his house, and Sirius knew what he was going through.

Harry looked up at the head table where the teachers were still eating dinner. His gaze fell on Severus. Harry had thought that in Severus he had found someone who understood him, but now he wasn't so sure. He had seen Severus right before lunch and had received a thorough dressing down from him, and all Harry had done was ask what was wrong. Severus had glared at him and stormed out of the room afterward. Harry had returned to visit Hagrid again.

He watched as Severus turned to meet his gaze. A single elegant black eyebrow raised in a silent question, as if saying, "What the hell do you want, Potter?" Harry quickly turned away and looked at his friends.

Ron and Hermione were staring at Harry with obvious concern in their eyes. "All right, mate?" Ron had started to pile several helpings of the various dishes onto a plate for Harry. "Eat up, Harry. Mum would have my head if I didn't make sure that you ate."

Harry rubbed at his sore head before shaking his head at Ron. "Sorry, Ron. I'm still not feeling too well. I think that I'm going to go up to the dormitory to sleep some more. I really need to catch up." Sparing one last glance at the Head Table and his lover, Harry turned and made his way to Gryffindor tower, where he fell into a fitful night's sleep.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

"No, Harry, don't throw your weight. For that type of cut you want to use just your arm and wrist. Draco, if you keep moving away like that and don't put your weight down on your feet properly, Harry's going to knock you over and you won't know what hit you." Sirius Black was leaning against the wall on the far side of the circular room, looking at his two protégés as they faced off in a sparring match. They had both come a long way since they had begun their knife lessons with him during the spring of last year. Harry in particular had taken to the use of knives. Draco was almost as good, but he tended to prefer the use of projectiles.

Sirius was in charge of their weapons training, and made it a point to make sure that they had a fair understanding of the variety of weapons they could choose from. Sirius wished that Ron had opted to train with the two boys, since he had a similar build to Sirius, but the other boy had turned down the offer since he wanted to become an auror after graduation. And once you were an auror, Dumbledore wouldn't take you on as an Order member. Something about split loyalty. Sirius knew that joining the Ministry wasn't the same as the Order. There were a few exceptions to this rule, Ron's father being one of them, but they were few and far between.

Harry stepped back from the fight and held up his hand to signal Draco to stop. The other boy just stared.

"What's wrong, Potter? I'm too tough for you?"

"S'not that." Harry rubbed at his head. "Just need to take something before I continue." Harry headed over to the wall where his godfather was standing next to his and Draco's bags. Kneeling, Harry pulled his bag toward him and started rifling through its contents. Sirius left the wall and moved over to Draco, who was stretching out his arms.

"Cramped up?"

"A little." Sirius grabbed one of Draco's arms and started to pull it up and behind the younger man. Draco had his eyes pinned on Harry. As he watched Harry lifted a vial and downed its contents. "What's with him?" Sirius dropped that arm and picked up Draco's other one to repeat the stretch.

"Headaches."

"But potions and charms don't work on headaches caused by his scar."

Finishing the stretch, the two watched Harry as he leaned against the wall, his head pushed against the cool stone as he breathed in deeply and slowly. "Very true, but from what Ron's been telling me, Harry hasn't been sleeping at night. So he's tired and weak. By the time his 'Voldemort' headaches dissipate, a regular headache replaces it; the lack of sleep isn't helping." Sirius stepped away from Draco. "The weird part is that since the beginning of the year Harry's been getting steadily better. Ron thinks it's because Harry has a boyfriend. He hasn't been in bed by curfew most nights. If Harry's exhausted, sometimes he'll sleep through the night. I don't know what to think." Sirius heaved a deep sigh. "But it's gone back to bad, and it's getting steadily worse. Wish I knew how to help."

"What about Severus? Can't he brew up some dreamless sleep potion for Harry to take?"

"It's not dreams keeping Harry awake. It's his link with Voldemort. Sometimes it's visions, sometimes it's just pain. But no matter what it is, dreamless sleep doesn't work. The only thing that does is Draught of Living Death, and Harry has refused to take it, no matter how bad the pain is."

"Because it's so highly addictive?"

"Exactly. So my guess is that Harry's been living off of Pepperup potion and pain numbing draughts." Sirius took a step forward, preparing to head back to his position against the wall. "At the end of the week, I'm pulling him into see Poppy."

A voice broke into their conversation and the two men watched as Harry came back over to join them. "Ready to have your arse pounded into the ground, Malfoy?"

"You couldn't do that if you tried, Potter."

"We'll see. Let's go."

Sirius moved back over to the wall and watched as the two young men used everything that they had learned from him and applied it to fighting each other.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

"What are you brewing?" Draco leaned against the worktable that Severus had his ingredients set up on.

"You want to study potions for a living, why don't you tell me."

"Without looking, my guess is pain numbing draught and Pepperup. Am I right?"

"Correct. Poppy said she's been running low. I just made her a batch last month. It should have lasted for three months. Since you're here, you can help. Stir that cauldron over there. Fiftee-"

"I know, Severus, fifteen times counter clockwise and then five times in a figure eight pattern." The potions master just nodded his head, and the two men worked patiently for a few minutes.

"How did you know without examining the ingredients? I doubt that you guessed by smell." Severus looked around his private lab. He had brewed over fifteen potions that day alone. Even he couldn't tell what he was brewing by smell.

"I didn't. I just came from practice with Sirius and Harry. Harry's been downing the stuff for two weeks; he's been in a lot of pain. Do you know anything about it? You're his mentor, after all." Draco watched as the older man tensed. Draco had gotten the feeling that Harry hadn't been going to his meetings with Severus; after all, he would have come across the two of them talking when he visited his Head of House, and he had done so plenty of times since the school year began months ago. "I didn't think so. What's been going on? You and Harry haven't been getting along lately."

"Not that it is any of your business, Draco. Harry has decided that we cannot work together."

"Is it because of what you said?" Severus didn't say anything. "Why did you say those things during potions class two weeks ago? You knew that it would hurt him. I didn't think that you had wanted to do such a thing."

The older man continued to stubbornly remain quiet, but Draco knew that he had gotten his point across. A change of topic wouldn't hurt. "Anyway, Harry is really toning his muscles. I mean, in ways that Quidditch just can't. He's good looking; even I have to admit that. I wouldn't mind having a go with him." Draco looked at Severus with a impish expression.

"He has enough people using him, Draco. He doesn't need to add you to that list. Stay away from Potter."

Draco was taken aback by the sharp tone. Severus had always been prickly, but usually he curbed his tongue around him. "You think I would use Harry?" Severus' lack of faith hurt him. He had known Severus since he was a small child; never had Severus shown a lack of confidence in him. It was as if Severus had always known he would do the right thing. "Why would I hurt a friend? It's not like I have many of those at the moment."

Severus did not look at Draco. "I didn't realize you had become friends with him."

"We're getting there. When he stops calling me Malfoy, I'll know we are."

"And why would he stop calling you that?"

"Because I told him to." Draco sighed and began chopping up one of the ingredients that was out. "That's not the point. I said that I'd *like* to have a go at a relationship with Harry, not that I was going to. I spend enough time around him to know that he's seeing someone." Draco paused in his cutting to think for a moment. "But it doesn't seem that anyone knows who it is. Do you know?"

"And why would I know that?"

"Because you used to talk to him all the time." The cool gaze that Severus gave him caused Draco to turn back to the cauldron and begin stirring it again. "Never mind. I'm sure that if Harry wanted to tell someone, he would have. This potion will be ready to cool in a minute. Do you want me to apply a slow cooling charm?"

"No. It'll be curfew soon. You had better be getting back to your dorm, Draco. I'll finish up here."

Draco finished his stirring and placed the ladle down. Straightening his robes, he turned to the potions master. "Goodnight, Professor."

"Goodnight, Mr. Malfoy." The return to formalities relaxed Severus. As the door to his lab closed behind the young man, Severus frowned. Too many things had disturbed Severus during his chat with Draco. Too many things.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Harry entered the meeting room and looked around. Only a couple of people were still missing. That meant that the meeting would be postponed for a few more minutes, and Harry would have a chance to talk to the Headmaster. Approaching the older man, Harry waited patiently for him to finish his conversation with Arthur Weasley. He didn't have long to wait.

"Harry, what can I do for you?"

"Headmaster, I wanted to ask if you decided, one way or another, about my request."

The Headmaster took Harry by the elbow and drew him away from the people milling about impatiently for the meeting to start. His voice was low when he addressed Harry. "Harry, I happen to think that you work much better with Severus then you could with another Order member, even Remus."

"I can't work with Severus." Harry pursed his lips. "I just can't, Headmaster."

The Headmaster sighed and looked around the room for someone. Probably Severus. "Harry, there is something that you must understand about your mentor." Harry motioned for him to continue. "Severus is quite defensive at times, and I'm afraid that he takes out his problems on the wrong people at the wrong times." Harry didn't say anything, just waited for the Headmaster to continue. "You understand that Voldemort doesn't always use magical techniques, when torturing a person?"

Sometimes Harry felt that the Headmaster still thought he was incredibly naïve. Of course the Headmaster didn't know that he had seen the scars that covered Severus' body. "He likes to use muggle methods too. Whips, knives, anything that can leave a mark."

"Yes, he does."

Harry waited a moment for the Headmaster to elaborate. That moment never came. "Voldemort tortured Severus that night, before he handed over Sirius and Remus to his Death Eaters as play toys, didn't he?" Harry could tell that Albus didn't want to answer the question. "Why didn't either of you tell me?"

"It didn't concern you, Harry."

Harry just blinked. "Didn't concern me? The welfare of my mentor, my guardian in the Order, didn't concern me?" Of my lover? He silently added. Harry paused and drew in a breath. It wouldn't do at all to get angry. "I cannot work with that man. There is no way. If he doesn't trust me enough to tell me that he's been beaten…" Harry shook his head. "It's impossible, Headmaster." Harry took another deep breath. He had one more thing to say. "Besides which, I can't work with someone, look up to someone, who insults my *family* just because he is having a bad day. Especially when it is done in front of a whole class. I would never treat him that way."

"Harry, I had a long talk with Severus last weekend. He knows that what he did was totally inappropriate. I'm sure that if you talked to him…" Albus trailed off.

"I will not talk to or see Severus until he apologizes for his actions."

A curious look crossed Albus' face. "Harry, Severus can't discuss this with you if you won't meet with him or talk to him."

"Exactly." Harry was about to turn away, but he had one final thing to say. "Headmaster, please think about pairing me up to work with Remus. At least I know that he won't purposely hurt me." He walked away.

After a few more minutes, everyone had arrived, and sat at the long table to discuss events in the war. Harry made sure to sit as far from Severus as possible. The new revelations had heightened Harry's anger at him, and now he didn't want to even look at him. Once the meeting was over, he quickly said goodnight to Sirius, Remus, Albus, and Draco before moving to the door. He hardly noticed the tall, dark shadow that was looming at the exit. Until a hand reach out and grabbed his arm.

"Potter, we need to talk." The silken tones entered his ears.

"I don't think so, Professor. Please let go of my arm."

"No."

Harry turned an angry glare at Severus. "Let go of my arm, Professor. I need to get back up to my dormitory. It's almost curfew, after all."

"Not until you listen to what I have to say, you impertinent brat."

"Your behavior isn't exactly charming me into staying to listen." Harry tried to twist his arm out of the strong grip.

Severus bent his head close to Harry's ear. "Harry, I know that I behaved appallingly. I shall endeavor not to do it again. Come downstairs and we'll talk."

"No."

"Harry. I want to sort this out."

"No. I told the Headmaster that I wouldn't speak to you until you apologized. Now let me go, Professor." Severus dropped the young man's arm. Harry backed away a step.

Still whispering Severus spoke to the young man. "Harry, I'm…"

"You're what? A greasy git. I already knew that." Harry had no intention of making Severus' life easy.

Setting his jaw, Severus took in a deep breath and started over. "I'm ss…"

"A slimy Slytherin? I knew that too."
"I'm sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear, you obnoxious little monster?"

Harry stared into Severus' eyes and saw that the other man was truly sorry for what had happened. He had just needed to hear the words. But in traditional Slytherin style, he hadn't made it easy for Severus to say them. And he knew that if their positions were reversed Severus would have done the same.

"Yes, Professor. It is." A smirk crossed Harry's features. "I guess that we'll discuss things tomorrow then?"

Straightening his robes, Severus looked down at Harry. "Yes, Potter. We'll discuss things tomorrow."

Harry took a step closer to Severus before whispering, "Goodnight, Sev." He quickly turned and exited the chamber. And Severus knew that all had been forgiven.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*