Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Voldemort Live" Second show.

Scene One: [A little man walks on stage carrying a microphone]

Little Man: Um, hello. Voldemort will come out here in just a second, but for now I'm here. I'm getting a Corolla, yeah that's a Toyota.

[Music comes on and Voldemort comes out, and he waves to the audience who are in electric chairs. Little man hangs his head down and walks off the stage stroking his Barbie doll.]

Voldemort: Hello, welcome to my show! Today we will be showing… [Camera man points to his shoes. Voldemort looks down and sees her is wearing red high heels.]

Voldemort: How did those get there? [Voldemort walks backstage, looks around and places the shoes in his dressing room] Anyways, today we will be showing clips of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, including one from Sorcerer's Stone, and an extra!

Voldemort: [Waits for applause. Hears nothing. Voldemort walks to the right of the stage to a large switch and coughs. Audience gets the message and starts clapping loudly.]

Voldemort: Yes, this reminds me of my house, cold, creepy, and full of slaves. Anyways, my cast has gotten the tapes mixed up again! [Looks over to the cast who are all monkeys dressed in tuxedos.] So, we will have to pass the time. The audience can ask me questions and I will answer. Let's begin. Yes, you there.

Audience Member #1: Voldemort, do you have any friends?

Voldemort: Oh, I had a friend once till I came home one night and he married my mother!

Audience Member #1: I thought your mother died at a young age.

Voldemort: The mother who took care of me, and thank you for reminding me of her death! Next!

Lenny from the Simpsons: You really should stop bullying people!

Voldemort: [Runs over to the large switch and pulls it electrocuting Lenny. A pile of ashes lay on the chair.]

Kyle from South Park: You killed Lenny, you bastard!

Voldemort: [Burns Kyle to a crisp] Anyone else have questions?

Audience: [silence]

Voldemort: I was just informed the clips are ready! First we'll start off with a couple from Sorcerer's Stone we missed last time.

Scene Two: [Seamus and all of his friends are sitting at the Griffindor table eating on the first day at Hogwarts.]

Seamus: I'm half and half, me dad's a muggle, mom's a man, bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out.

Friends: [Dropping their food and staring at him]

Scene Three: Back with Voldemort

Voldemort: That was…interesting…yes that's the word. This next scene is with Oliver Wood, he is so fine! [swoons]

Scene Four: [Oliver Wood is sitting on the field with Harry teaching him the rules of Quidditch.]

Harry: How come the hoops are different sizes?

Oliver: [Looking at an apple] Because they love you.

Harry: [Giving him a weird look]

Oliver: Harry, Quidditch is a lot like an apple. [Gazing at the apple] There is the skin and it's rough, but the inside is so juicy. You see, the keeper, that's you, is going to eat the apple. [Oliver chomps into the apple savoring every bite]

Harry: I thought I was the apple.

Scene Five: Voldemort giggling like a school girl.

Voldemort: Did you see Oliver? He is such a hottie! Anyways, I have extra bloopers of the third film! I think everyone was a little tipsy.

Scene Six: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Crookshanks are in a car with Crookshanks driving.

Harry: Hey, Hermione do you think Crookshanks should be driving? He was hitting the boos pretty hard.

Ron: Crookshanks drives all the time. We go bowling together.

Hermione: [Drooling in the back seat]

[The car suddenly swerves and the car goes speeding over a cliff.]

Harry: [Trying to jump out the window]

Ron: Mary, Zeus, Jesus son of Nazarath! Allah, Osirus, Isis! Help me Cod! [Screams like a girl and hides under seat sucking thumb]

Hermione: [Still drooling]

Crookshanks: [Meowing/Screaming with paws in the air and eyes wide open]

Scene Seven: Voldemort laughing to the point of tears.

Voldemort: Did you what kind of car they were driving! A tercel! [Starts pounding on a wall while the audience looks around.]

Voldemort: Anyways, we don't have much time so I'm going to be showing the clips without interrupting for a while.

Scene eight: Dueling Scene in Chamber of Secrets.

Draco: Scared Potter?

Harry: If you say so. [winks at him]

Draco: [shifts eyes] You're line was you wish.

Harry: [in a low voice] You wish

Draco: I don't like the tone of your voice.

Harry: [very high pitched voice] You wish!

Scene nine: Scene with Tom Riddle

[Tom has just vanished and Harry and Ginny are sitting on the ground. A bunch of screaming girls run in holding books and pens. A voice comes over the intercom.]

Intercom: The heir of Slytherin has left the building.

[All the screaming girls turn around and run back where they came from]

Scene Ten: Voldemort

Voldemort: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Come back next time when I have Jeopordy! Goodbye, and always let your conscience turn you to the dark arts. Yes, you want to practice the dark arts…you are falling more into the dark grasp…[coughs] yes sorry. I've been working on hypnotism! Goodbye!

[Voldemort waves and walks away not seeing the monkey and trips over the monkey who falls and hit a camera the camera fall over and hits a light the light falls to the ground and hits the drapes and the whole place is a flame. Voldemort sees the place on fire and run to his dressing room and saves all his good dresses, while the little man saves all his barbies. The End.]