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JEAPORDY!
Scene One: [Lights come on, music starts up, audience claps, and Voldemort Trebeck comes out to his podium.]
Voldemort Trebeck: Hello, I'm Voldemort Trebeck and welcome to Jeapordy! Let's see out guests today.
[Trebeck walks over to a nervous Ron behind a podium.]
Trebeck: So what's your name?
Ron: [sweating] my name….you want my name…my name is...uh…Ronnie...Ron...Ron...Jr...McCall. Yeah! [His name taking up the whole blue spot on his podium.
Trebeck: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
Audience Member: [cries and runs out of the studio]
Another Audience Member: Ronnie Ron Ron!
[Trebeck walks to the next podium and standing behind it is Lucius Malfoy. Trebeck looks at the blue spot and see Ladies Man written there.]
Trebeck: Lucius, you're name isn't Ladies Man.
Lucius: I can't help it if all the women want me. I got a butt and I like to shake it!
Trebeck: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Lucius: No, but I kiss your mother!
Trebeck: Don't remind me, moving on.
[Walks down to the last podium]
Trebeck: Hello, what is your name today?
[Runs behind podium]
Voldemort: My name is Voldemort, you've probably heard of me as being the best sorcerer in the world! Which I am.
[Runs back as Trebeck]
Trebeck: You are the greatest! I bet you're a wiz with the ladies.
Lucius: I'm a wiz with the ladies, I'm the ladies man!
Voldemort: Well you know, they come to me every now and then.
Trebeck: Stop being modest! Want to go out for a drink later?
Voldemort: Yeah that'd be great.
Trebeck: [looks around] alright let's get started. Today's categories are: Things that go boom, Oh God please stop the pain, Movies, An alight…what the hell is that? [Looks over at monkeys who are all dressed as showgirls] It seems to mean things that catch on fire. Instruments that end with ums, Harry Potter, Wizards, and finally, does this make my butt look big? No, seriously, does this make my butt look big? [everyone shifts eyes] Anyways, we'll start with Voldemort.
Voldemort: Well, I don't know let's see let's see a category. I rhymed! Um… [Laughs]…um…[laughs again]
Trebeck: Let's move on to Ronnie Ron Ron.
Ron: I'll take giraffes for a billion.
Trebeck: That's not a category.
Ron: Sorry, giraffes for 800.
Trebeck: I hate you. Moving on to, do we really have to choose him?
Lucius: The day is mine! I'll take anal light for $100. I don't know what anal light is but your giving me ideas.
Trebeck: [looks at board] that's an alight, things that are used to make fire.
Lucius: [buzzer] a flashlight
Trebeck: I said things that catch fire not anal light!
Lucius: You want it to be that don't you!
Trebeck: We'll talk about that later! Ronnie, your board.
Ron: Yeah, I'll take Anal Light for a thousand.
Trebeck: [throws cards on the ground] roll the commercials.
[Voldemort Trebeck walks backstage and gets his assistant]
Trebeck: Get me some milk and some tranquilizers.
[Trebeck walks up to camera man]
Trebeck: Why does Lucius have to be here? He's had it in for me ever since I kinda stole his wife's purse.
Camera Man: You did?
Trebeck: Except replace the word stole with wore and the word purse with high heels.
Camera Man: [Walks away]
Trebeck: [yells] I'm going to sleep wake me up when Double Jeopardy is on.
[Trebeck is lying on the floor until someone pokes him with a stick.]
Camera Man: Get up, Double Jeapordy is on soon and take off those earrings, they suit you.
[Trebeck walks to the stage and see Oliver Wood is talking to Ron]
Oliver: You know Ronnie Ron Ron [gazing at the apple] Jeopardy is like an apple tree. You sit around and wait for that question to come so you can make apple juice.
Ron: That didn't even make sense.
Oliver: I always make sense. The apple that's Lucius is going to eat the apple. [Chomps into the apple]
Lucius: I thought I was the apple.
[Voldemort Trebeck walks center stage]
Trebeck: Alright welcome to Double Jeopardy. Let's see, Lucius Malfoy is in the lead with zero.
Lucius: You rule the day you crossed me, Trebeck!
Trebeck: That's great; Voldemort is in second place with -200. [Runs to podium]
Voldemort: Those earrings look good on you. [Runs back to center stage]
Trebeck: You think so, they went with my tie. And in third place Ronnie Ron Ron with an amazing -50,000.
Ron: Well, it was hard but I did it.
Trebeck: Ron you're in last place, your turn.
Ron: I'll take Harry Potter for 200.
Trebeck: [reading the question] this man is Draco Malfoy's father. [Pauses and looks over at Lucius.] Lucius, you might want to answer this.
Lucius: [buzzer] John Hancock
Trebeck: He's not even in Harry Potter; also you need it in a form of a question.
Ron: [buzzer] what is John Hancock
Trebeck: [ripping up the cards] alright let's move up to the final round. All you have to do is write your name, that's it. Grab the pen in your hand and write letters that spell your name.
[Jeopardy music plays for 30 seconds while everyone writes.]
Trebeck: Alright let's see what we have. [Walks up to Ron's podium] Let's see what you have. Your answer [looks at screen nothing is there] you had to write your name and you got it wrong?!
Ron: I lost my pen.
Trebeck: Your wager... [Looks at screen which says '2,000'] I thought you said you lost your pen?
Ron: I did, and then I found it.
Trebeck: You are an idiot. Moving on to Lucius, what did you write? Your answer [looks at blue screen and sees 'a drawing of lucius'] I said write your name not draw you!
Lucius: [Lucius smiles]
Trebeck: Your wager. [Looks at screen see 'a picture of Lucius kissing his mother'] That's just sick!
Lucius: You know she wants me.
Trebeck: Voldemort, let's see what you put. [Sees 'Voldemort written'] thank you! Your wager? [Sees 'rules' written] Good enough! Voldemort wins! Thank you, now I can watch Oprah!
[Credits Roll and Lucius is seen trying to make a move on the monkey showgirl]
