Past Tense, Future Imperfect

by Jaded (opheliadrowning@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer:  This chapter is mine, but the characters aren't.  Please don't sue me.  It's not like I'd have a whole lot of money anyway.

Thanks: To everyone who has read and reviewed the last few chapters.  You guys are wonderful, and it's hard to express how much I appreciate the support.  Sorry it's taken so long for another chapter, but I'm finally facing a long stretch of free time, which I hope means more stories, more updates.

RECAP: After graduation from Point Place High, Hyde leaves town without telling anyone where he's gone.  Later, the gang is in Madison for UW orientation.  Hyde's been in town for the last few summer months working at The Rusty Penny, a bar in the downtown district.  Donna, Eric, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie head out to the bar, but calling it a night head back to the dorms to get some rest.  Jackie forgets her purse at the bar, but when she goes back a drunk accosts her.  Hyde comes flying to her rescue not knowing that it's her.  Where we last left off, Jackie and Hyde faced each other for the first time in months.

A/N: The song being used is Coldplay's "The Scientist" off their "Rush of Blood to the Head" CD, which I totally recommend.  Great mood music while reading the story as well.

Summary:  What happens when Jackie and Hyde meet up again for the first time in three months?

Part Five: The Scientist

"Come up to meet you,

Tell you I'm sorry,

You don't know how lovely you are,

I had to find you,

Tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart"

            The first time I ever saw Jackie Burkhart she was an annoying little brat who went around school acting like she was better than everyone else because her daddy had money.  I wanted to shove her into the sand pits and pull her pigtails, but back then I didn't really care enough to waste my time.  There were other people to beat up.  Forman and Kelso, for instance.  For the most part I forgot about her until Kelso started dating her.  Then, she was always around, buzzing like a little gnat that you couldn't swat away.  I tried ignoring her then as well, but it was hard.  Instead, I started burning her every chance I got, and she tried to insult me, calling me poor and scruffy and rough whenever she took a break from nagging Kelso about how he didn't buy her enough presents.  Back then I always knew what to say to her.  I always had  something to say. 

            But now here she is and my mouth is dry and it feels like someone's just shoved my head into a brick wall. 

            "Steven.  Oh my god.  Steven!"

I haven't seen her in months, and it feels like it's been forever since graduation, the last time I saw her.  She's beautiful.  But of course she is, even though she looks scared.  Or is it shocked?  I know I'm the last person in the world she's expecting to see.

I look behind me to see if that asshole who was messing with her is really gone, and he's no where in sight.  It was bad enough that he was trying to grope any woman, but when that any woman is Jackie then . . . let's just say he was lucky that I didn't find out it was her until after I kicked him out.

And then there she is again, standing in front of me.  I feel Holly tug at my arm.

"Yeah?" I say, a little too sharply.

She draws back frowning.  "I just wanted to thank you."

I shrug, not looking away from Jackie.  "I didn't do anything."

Holly stayed a moment longer, but probably feeling ignored, she left.  And then it was me and Jackie with the whole room still staring.  But I didn't care. 

She looked frozen in her spot, her tiny fists still clenched, her eyes wide and round.  Instinctively, I took a step towards her because that's just my way.  When she looks like that—on the edge of tears—I can't just leave her alone.  I can't stand to see her hurt, and this time, for the first time in a long time, I know I'm not the one that's put that look on her face.

"Jackie…"  It's not like I know what to say to her, but it's a start.  I could have just walked away after seeing if she was fine, but I'm still here.  There's actually a hundred million things I want to say to her but I can't put any of them into words.  It'd be the wrong moment anyway.  It would just make everything seem cheap.  I haven't forgotten how I hurt her.  I could tell her I'm sorry.  I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she wouldn't buy it, and I don't think I'd take it anyway, not with her like this.   I've always found the best time to ask someone anything or blackmail them is when they're emotionally vulnerable.  Hit them in the soft spot and go in for the kill, but when Jackie's at her most vulnerable, the sad truth is, so am I.  It sucks.

Before I can get another word out though, her arms are around my neck.  I hear her purse hit the floor, a plop at my heels.  For a moment I can't breath.  She's holding me so tightly she's crushing my ribs against my lungs.  I can hear her panting softly, a sound like sobbing.  Her head is buried into my chest, and for the first few seconds I'm frozen in my spot because this wasn't the way it was supposed to happen.

"Steven," she breathes, and I almost don't catch her words because they're so quiet.

Then, like six months ago never happened my arms are around her too and I pull her even closer as if that were possible.  I go cold all over except for where we're making physical contact.  Then I'm burning up, and all I can think about is how I want the room to be empty except for us, and that I want to kiss her mouth, her eyelids, her neck like she's never been touched before. 

I think I'm going crazy, and I know that it's because she's here.  Jackie Burkhart makes me crazy.  I want to tell her things that have no place coming out of my mouth.  She had me enough that I told her I loved her, and even though it was the wrong time I still meant every word.  I think about all the chicks I've ever had a thing for—Donna included—and combined they don't compare to this.  I'm a second away from telling her that I want her.  I need her.  But I don't because despite having her right there in my arms, feeling her so soft and small and right I came to my senses in time.  However much I want it, I don't think she does.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

She pulls away from me a little bit and looks up, and in the dim light of the bar I can see her eyes, blue and green, bright with tears.  I think of every time I've looked into that face, but mostly about when we were together, us lying on the couch in the Forman's basement or on my cot, my face hovering over hers, smirking at her until she reached up to pull my mouth to hers, kissing until we couldn't breath anymore and had to go up for air. I try not to think about how pissed off those same eyes looked when I told her about Irene, about kissing her when I thought she was messing around with Kelso.

She drops her arms from around my neck and looks confused.  "Yeah," she says slowly as though there was something else she wanted to say, but decided against it at the last second.  "Steven—what are you—why are you here?"  She takes a quick swipe at her eyes and sniffles.

And the look on her face breaks my heart.  It actually breaks my heart.  This is the girl I love, and looking at her again I know there's no one else and there's never going to be anyone else.  But what breaks my heart is knowing that I lost her because I screwed up, and that things can never go back to the way they were.  There's no science, no magic that's going to ever make things better.  There's no secret formula that's going to make her forget that I cheated on her.

I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. Linda appears from behind me carrying a tray of beers.

"Dave says take the rest of the night off," she says into my ear, nodding back to where my boss stands behind the bar, smiling like some damned Chesire Cat. 

"It's okay, Linda, I don't—"

"Just get the hell out of here, Hyde," she says.  "You know you want to."  I see her give Jackie a look.  She smiles at me.  "So this is the mystery girl, is it?  Try not to screw it up this time, okay?"  She winks then disappears to server her table.

Crap.

"Steven?"

Jackie takes my hand.  What the hell is she doing?

I clear my throat and going with the feeling, pull her hand and move the both of us towards the door.

"Seriously, Jackie, are you okay?  Did that guy hurt you at all?"

She shakes her head.  "I'm fine mostly."

"You totally kicked his ass.  I saw."

She beams at me, and again I want to grab her, press her up against a wall and kiss her. 

"I had a good teacher," she says softly.  And the way she says it makes me reach out and touch her face and brush a stray hair away from her cheek.  I watch her blush, and even though it's dark I can see the pink in her face.

I don't realize it right away, but I'm just staring at her and a minute passes when neither of us says a word. 

"Er, what are you doing in Madison?" I ask, although I kind of already know.  I've been hoping and dreading for weeks that I might see her when the rest of the gang came up to check out the university.

"Oh, I'm just here visiting with Donna.  It gets lonely in Point Place with everyone gone."

I wonder if that includes me.

"Where are you staying?" I check my watch.  It's getting late.  We head towards State Street and I can see crowds of students pouring in and out of bars, making one last bar hop before closing time.

"At the University Inn." She points to her left.  "It's not that far away."

"Let me walk you home."  She gives me a strange look.

I know I'm not her boyfriend anymore.  I actually don't even know if I'd say we were friends, and by no means am I her knight in shining armor, but I'm not going to let her walk home alone.  If one idiot in the bar is any indication of the people out, I'm not going to risk her safety because something's uncomfortable.  It's not a right, but a duty.  It's what any man would do in the same situation.  I couldn't live with myself if I just let her wander off by herself in a strange city and something happened to her.

"Are you sure?" she asks slowly. I can't tell if she sounds suspicious, hopeful or what.

"Yeah, it's no problem.  It's not out of my way."  And I miss you.

"Tell me your secrets,

And ask me your questions,

Oh let's go back to the start,

Running in circles,

Coming up tails,

Heads are a science apart"

            I'm glad that it's so loud out tonight.  People are sprinting down the street, screaming.  A bunch of girls dart out in front of me and Jackie, laughing and shrieking, obviously drunk out of their minds.  I usually get really annoyed by all those losers, but they don't bother me so much tonight because I'm not thinking about them.  They're just background noise.

The street is bright with lights and the full moon. Maybe that's why everyone is so crazy tonight.  Maybe that's why tonight of all nights was when I'd have to run into Jackie, totally unprepared.

            We don't talk the entire length of the way there.  My arms are crossed.  I try to focus on the sidewalk, try to see our destination but I can't stop looking at her.  I shoot her little glances, check to see if she's looking back.

            Jackie swings her purse in one hand, and her head is tilted downwards.  She's not looking at me.  Her dark hair is curlier than usual—the humidity probably, or at least that's what she'd always tell me when she didn't think I was listening to Hair Care 101—and it falls a little in front of her face and I can't see her expression.  She's so quiet, and Jackie's never quiet.  I wonder what she's thinking, if this is as weird for her as it is for me.

            We get to the hotel and she stops at the front door.  Does this mean that she wants me to go?  I don't move though, because you know what?  I decide I don't want to.  Twenty minutes in her presence and I'm not ready to give her up again.  I know I was the one who left, I know I was the one who screwed up, but that also means that it's my place to try to make things better.  Because when I see her, like I see her now, I know that I don't want to be without her, or move on without knowing that I didn't at least try.

            I think about my parents.  They didn't try to stick together.  They took things as they came, and yeah, so I thought that was an okay to do things, but they were never happy.  They just fought all the time and when things go rough they just left.  It might have been easy, but it probably wasn't the best way to handle things.  That's how I learned to cope though.  Trying has never been my style, you know?  But then I've never had something that was worth the effort, until now.

            Jackie pulls a key out from her purse.  I'm about to protest.  I want to tell her, "I need to talk to you, Jackie.  We need to talk, and you know how much I hate talking, so this is really important.  You're here.  I'm here.  Let me buy you a soda, but c'mon, just give me a chance," but she speaks first.

            "Walk me to my room?"

            I nod silently and open the door for her. 

            We take the elevator up a few flights and walk down the quiet corridor to her room.  At her door she doesn't say anything, just unlocks it, flips on the light and waits for me to follow her in.  I stand in the doorway, staring.  I see her suitcase sitting on her bed, her make-up case a desk, and then her, biting her lip.

            "Uh," I say, looking at her, then behind me.  "Uh."

"Nobody said it was easy,

It's such a shame for us to part,

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard,

Oh, take me back to the start"

            Then taking a breath, I take a step forward.  I pull the door close, and there we are, alone in her hotel room.

            "Jackie."

            Her face turns dark and stormy.  "You know, for a while I thought you might have been dead, Steven."

            "What?"  I look at her blankly.  Where did this come from?

            Jackie takes four strides towards me and pounds a fist against my chest.

            "Jackie!  What the hell was that for?"

            She hits me again, and pushes me away wiping her eyes.  She turns around and walks towards the bed.

            "You vanish after graduation without a word.  You don't tell anyone, not even Mr. and Mrs. Forman where you are.  For a while we all thought maybe you had gone to Milwaukee, or maybe New York, but then no one heard from you.  You never wrote.  You never called!"  She sits down on the bed and angrily starts taking her shoes off.  She throws one at me.  I dodge it.  "Did we all mean that little to you?"

            The hurt look returns, and shit, again it's me.  "Jackie, man, me leaving has nothing to do with how I feel about you or the Formans or whatever."  Then I think about, and realize what I'm saying.  I walk over to her and crouch down by her feet.  "Not like that, at least."

            "Then like what?"

"I was just guessing,

At number and figures,

Pulling the puzzles apart,

Questions of science,

Science and progress,

Don't speak as loud as my heart"

            I sigh.   Honestly, I don't even know.  Some things you can't put into words.  It's just how it is.  Am I suppose to tell her that it was just too much to bear to stick around Point Place because there wasn't anything there for me anymore?  That everyone would be better off without one less burden, one less troublemaker around?  It's complicated.  I don't know how functional relationships are supposed to work.  It's like physics to me.  If an apple falls, it falls.  I don't care why it falls, it just does.  But then after it hits the ground then something else has to happen to it.  It either rots where it stays, or it rolls away, or gets picked up.  I just picked myself up.

            I don't say this though.

            "I don't know."

            She turns her head away from me, but I don't move. 

            "You never do."

            "What is that supposed to mean?"

            "You never know what to say, Steven.  When my dad went to prison you didn't know what to say.  When you cheated on me you told me you loved me, and tell me, in what world does that make sense?  In what world does that make it better?"

            "So that's what this is about?" I say, standing up.  "About cheating?  Jackie, we've been broken up for half a year.  I haven't seen you in three months.  What does it matter anymore that I cheated on you?  You obviously didn't want to be with me, and I'm not asking you to get back together now!"

            She gets up and throws her other shoe on the floor.  I watch her face break down into tears, and nothing, absolutely nothing makes sense anymore.

            "That's not what this is about!" she shouts, and I bet the people in the adjoining rooms can hear every single word.

            "Then what is it about, Jackie?"

            "It's about how you don't understand why certain things you say and do make absolutely no sense!"

            "What?"

            She grabs a tissue and blows her nose.  "Why did you have to tell me that you loved me for the first time after you told me you cheated?  I thought you were better than that, Steven.  That's what Michael would've done to try to get me back.  Well it doesn't make things better!"

            "Obviously not."  I'm feeling angry, but this isn't how I'm going to let it end.  "It wasn't about trying to get you to forget what I did, Jackie.  I didn't have to tell you.  I didn't lie about it.  I meant it when I said I loved you."

            "Loved," she says bitterly, and I want to scream.

            "It's not about words, Jackie.  I've never been about words.  When I feel something I act on it.  I could've told you a hundred different ways this or that but I didn't."

            "What, so now 'I love you' doesn't count as words?"

            I begin to wonder if she knows me at all. 

            "It's because I said them that mattered, Jackie.  I don't tell people I love them.  I just don't.  But I told you.  And I meant it."

            She crosses her arms and takes a step towards me.  "Then," she says, her voice breaking, "what did it mean when you just left, Steven?  And never said where you were?  What does that say about you?"

"Tell me you love me,

Come back and haunt me,

Oh and I rush to the start,

Running in circles,

Chasing tails,

Coming back as we are"

            I turn around and grab the door handle.  Is this what everyone expects of me? Then fine, I'm sick of it.  She thinks that I always run when there's trouble, then that's what I'll do.  Why try to lift anyone's expectations.  Maybe things between us will never officially be over.  Maybe I'll have to think about her for the rest of my life, regretting everything, but you know what?  I tried, and she apparently doesn't care.

            I twist the handle, but before I can open the door I feel her reaching out towards me.

            "No, Steven—wait!"

            I let go and turn around.  I don't know why, but I keep coming back, and always at the end of the line there's Jackie.  I feel most of my anger fall away.  Is this why Forman's always been such a pansy-ass?  Because of Donna?  Because love makes you a complete idiot, like I am now?  I know better, but I'm still here.

            I suddenly feel very tired, but not because it's almost one in the morning.  "What now, Jackie?  What do you want from me?"

            And then I get my answer, not in words but in actions.  She rushes towards me like she did earlier at the bar, and her arms curl around my neck again.  But this time it's not just a hug this time.  She is kissing me, and this time I don't waste a second before I kiss her back.  I run my hands through her soft hair and remember how much I missed this feeling.  Jackie presses up against me and every curve, familiar as though I had never stopped holding her for one second, is right there with me.  Me and her, and I can't believe this is happening. 

            Her mouth, petal soft, opens up for another deep kiss, and that's when I feel her hot tears.  They're running down her face, and because we are so close, they're running down mine too.  I kiss her back hard and pull her closer as though she were trying to get away, but she's not.  Our tongues tangle as the kiss deepens, and I forgot about the fighting, about the anger, the regret.  Nothing has ever felt so right as this.  Nothing else in the world makes as much sense as this does right here and now.

            Jackie's back arches slightly and I hear her moaning softly.  I kiss her neck, then the hollow of her throat.  Her hands pull at my beard, pulling my face to hers again.  I place kisses against her jaw, and before kissing her full on the mouth again I look into her eyes, and they are dark and wild.

            How long it goes on for, I don't know, but when we break apart I can't breathe.  Her head tilts back and she lets out a giant sigh before she buries her head against my chest.  Her nails are digging into my back.  I feel her shaking against me, and wonder if she's still crying, and why she is crying.

            I brush my hand against her face by her hairline where the tiny wisps of baby hair are downy to the touch.  I kiss the top of her head and hug her closer.

            Then I hear her let out a sob, and it's so full and round with every emotion she's feeling it makes my chest tighten and my heart almost stop.

            "I still love you," she says through tears, and she sounds full of hurt, like she doesn't want to say it but it's the only truth she has.

            And what is my truth? 

            "Me too," I say without another thought, another moment of hesitation.  Finally.  At last.

"Nobody said it was easy,

Oh it's such a shame for us to part,

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard,

I'm going back to the start."

[end part 5]