Disclaimer: Dogma and all its characters belong to the brilliant-if extreme-Kevin Smith. I am making no money off this.
Author's Note: I'm in love with Jason Lee and loved the character Azrael in Dogma so I thought I'd give it a shot at writing an Azrael fic. Add to that the fact that there is a certain lack-ahem!-of Azrael fics, I just felt the need and desire to write such a fic. So here goes!
Rated: PG-13 (for language and minimal sexual reference)
PS: Please review after you've read this.
"Aw, shit!" Azrael closed his eyes and rubbed them before opening them again. Yep, it was true. He was officially out of Hell…and stuck on earth. "He wasn't just torturing me!" Azrael groaned.
Slowly, the demon got to his feet, brushing the dust off his once pristine suit. A sudden breeze ruffled his hair and he realized he was missing something. Glancing downward, he noticed his hat lying upside down at his feet. Azrael bent down to retrieve it and place it back on his head, successfully concealing his horns. His outfit now complete, he looked around him in an attempt to determine where exactly he was.
The demon quickly realized he was standing at the entrance of a shallow alley. On the sidewalk in front of him, uncountable amounts of people were flowing past, all in the same direction. It definitely wasn't Hell. Some of them looked happy. Azrael glowered at them. Fucking meat puppets.
Azrael turned his back on the mortals. He stared intently at the ground, as though striving to see beyond the mortal realm into the pits of Hell. "Why the fuck did you send me here?"
You almost fuckin' ruined my chance at conquering Heaven! The incensed voice echoed in the demon's mind.
Azrael winced. Just like God Herself, Satan was not someone you wanted pissed at you. But since Satan was already pissed beyond belief…"Fuck you," he mumbled and turned to step out onto the street.
Immediately, one of the meat puppets crashed into him. "Hey!"
The meat puppet, a young man in a business suit, brushed by the demon without looking at him. "Watch where you're going, asshole!"
"Rude fuck," Azrael murmured as he took another step forward.
A second person smashed into him, this one a woman. "Out of the way, imbecile," she growled, sidestepping him and quickly continuing on her way.
Azrael clenched his hands and gritted his teeth. "Damn, these mortals are in a rush." Deciding it would be easier to just go with the flow, he took a deep breath and turned around.
An older man coming from the other way immediately ran into him.
"Jesus!" Azrael cursed as he moved around the man. "They're hitting me from all directions now!"
Now royally pissed himself, Azrael stalked down the city streets. Of course, he could just as easily make himself pop up somewhere he wanted to be, but in his fury the thought completely escaped his mind. He had more pressing matters on his mind. The most important one being just how in the hell he got in this mess.
Without warning, a loud rumble in the sky interrupted the demon's angry thoughts and rain began to fall. Gently at first, it soon picked up speed. Strangely, the meat puppets didn't seem surprised at all by the sudden downpour. Most of them calmly opened up umbrellas that almost magically appeared in their hands and continued on their way. The rest, just as calmly, ducked under the eaves of buildings.
Azrael glanced skyward, cursing when a fat raindrop fell into his eye. "The whole damn Creation is after me!" A passerby glanced at him oddly but the demon ignored him.
"Why didn't Satan warn me about the rain?" Azrael muttered as he continued on hurriedly. After walking through a crosswalk, Azrael looked around for somewhere to get away from the cold rain. Spotting an alley, he ducked into it, barely missing getting rammed by a scurrying businessman. Azrael breathed a sigh of relief only to realize that he had not escaped the rain. He looked up and cursed when he saw that neither building had eaves.
"Shit!" He looked around quickly. At the back of the alley stood an empty cardboard box, big enough to fit a big screen TV. Azrael's shoulders slumped. Too tired to look anywhere else, Azrael walked over to the empty box. Stooping as low as his tall frame would allow, he sat down inside the box.
Azrael huddled miserably in the box, his arms around his knees. A few drops of rain leaked through holes in the box but otherwise it kept him dry.
How in the fuck did I get here? Oh yes, now I remember. This is all Bartleby and Loki's fault! They could have passed through the archway and die clean, but Noo! They just had to go on a fucking killing spree! Those two fucks ruined everything!
"Come now, Azrael. You of all people should know you brought this on yourself. Trying to destroy Existence and all. Very bad idea."
Azrael lifted his head to glare frostily at the Voice. "Oh, fuck you!"
Metatron smirked. "You and I both know that's impossible."
Azrael rolled his eyes. "Well, what the fuck do you want?"
Metatron's smirk widened. "I want absolutely nothing to do with you. But God, on the other hand, wishes to speak with you. To you."
Azrael stared at him. "What?"
Metatron sighed. "God. Wishes. To. Speak. To. You."
Azrael continued to stare at the Metatron, his jaw moving without any sounds coming out.
The Voice rolled his eyes skyward. "Right. Well, I'd love to stand here and wait for you to regain your ability to speak but I have better things to do with my time. If you don't mind…" With a snap of Metatron's fingers, they were out of the rain.
Azrael looked around him with wonder. He was home. After all those years…home. Suddenly, he felt a powerful, almost dizzying, feeling wash over him. She was here.
Azrael sank to his knees and bowed low to the ground. Whatever grudges he had held were washed away and he paid his respects as any good follower would do.
Azrael.
Azrael was mortified by the whimper that escaped his lips as She spoke his name. But he couldn't help it. It was Her.
Azrael. Why did you do it?
"I…don't know."
Azrael.
Azrael winced at Her gentle but firm rebuke. "I couldn't help it! All those years in Hell…you have no idea what it was like! And I didn't even do anything to deserve it!"
He could feel Her frown. You refused to fight against Satan. You refused to defend Heaven.
"But I was a muse!" His protest sounded weak even to his ears this time.
"Would you care for some cheese with that wine?" Metatron broke in with a smirk.
She looked at the Voice and he quickly wiped the smirk off his face, flushing with proper chagrin. God turned back to the now trembling Azrael. Everyone chose a side. By refusing to fight for Me you, however inadvertently, sided yourself with Satan and his followers.
Azrael whimpered again, for once regretting his refusal to fight. "I'm…sorry."
She sighed. What am I to do with you, Azrael?
"You forgave those two f—I mean, Bartleby and Loki. Can't you forgive me, too?"
"Oh, God, just forgive him or throw him out! Anything not to have his sniveling." The Voice cringed at the glare She threw him. "Sorry," he mumbled.
Maybe there is something…
"I'll do anything!"
Azrael felt Her smile and his trembling ceased. You may come back to Heaven.
Azrael couldn't help looking up hopefully at Her words.
But only after all your sins have been absolved.
"How?"
She smiled. By keeping Bartleby and Loki in hand.
"WHAT?" Azrael couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Her smiled widened. You may live out a mortal life but you'll have to make sure Bartleby and Loki don't mess up their chance to return to Heaven.
"That's it?"
She smiled. Yes.
"T-Thank you," he managed to mutter, ducking his head down.
She smiled and knelt down, gripping his chin and lifting his head up. He couldn't-wouldn't-look away. I love all my Creations. Even when they fall from grace. She smiled, kissed his cheek, and then a flash of light blinded him.
When the blinding light receded, Azrael found himself huddled in the cardboard box again. Looking up, he saw the Metatron standing over him.
"Well, that was fun, wasn't it?"
Azrael stared at the ground, thinking of Her.
Metatron watched for a minute before growing restless. "So, do you have any questions?"
Azrael looked up. "Yeah. Where are those two fucks hanging out?"
"Bartleby and Loki? They live in an apartment building on the edge of town."
"Well, are you going to take me there or what?"
Metatron smirked. "Wouldn't you rather take a nice bus? After all, since you're mortal now, you'll have to start using public transportation."
Azrael's glare was answer enough.
Metatron scowled. "Fine, fine. You don't have to get all huffy about it." Muttering about pushy people, the Voice lifted his hand and snapped his fingers.
Azrael then found himself in the middle of a busy sidewalk. Nobody seemed to notice him appear out of nowhere and anyone who did quickly convinced themselves he'd been standing there the whole time. Azrael looked up at the building in front of him.
"Wait a second! He never told me which apartment they live in. Hell, he didn't even tell me the floor!" Grumbling, Azrael walked up to the building's steps. He glanced around, hoping there was someone who could help him. To the right of the steps, he suddenly spotted a small table with a kid sitting behind it. A sign taped above the table read in scrawled, marker writing
Lemonade $1.00Ice $0.25
Sugar $0.75
Deciding he might as well try it, Azrael walked up to the kid. "Hey."
"Hi." The kid studied him intently for a second. "Are you a pimp?"
Azrael looked at the kid, confused. "What? Uh, no, no I'm not."
"Oh." The kid stared silently at him a minute before lifting up a small Dixie cup. "Lemonade?"
"Um, no. Look, do you live here?"
"You mean in this building?"
Azrael nodded. "Yeah."
The kid lifted the cup. "Lemonade."
Azrael shook his head. "No, I just want to ask you a question."
"You already did," the kid pointed out.
Azrael stared at him. "Okay, I want to ask you another question."
"You have to buy a cup of lemonade first."
"Look, kid-"
The kid crossed his arms. "Lemonade first. Answers after."
Azrael sighed. "Fine." He slipped his hand into his back pocket, surprised to feel soft leather under his fingers. He pulled out a brown wallet wonderingly. He shrugged and pulled out a dollar bill.
The kid accepted the bill with a smile and poured some of the yellow liquid from a large canister. "Sugar?"
Azrael looked around, hoping to find someone else to talk to. Nobody surfaced. "Yeah, sure."
"75 cents."
Azrael growled and pulled out another dollar bill. "Put ice in it, too."
The kid smilingly accepted the second bill. "Okay." With a plastic scoop, the kid slipped an ice cube into the liquid then poured in a scoop of sugar.
"That's only one cube," Azrael pointed out, thinking the kid had forgotten to add more.
"I know. It's 25 cents for each cube."
"That's not what the sign says."
The kid shrugged. "My mistake."
Azrael gritted his teeth. "Okay, I bought some lemonade, now answer my question."
"Drink it first," the kid demanded.
Azrael growled. He picked up the cup and quickly downed the liquid. He slammed the cup down and glared at the kid. "Now. Answer. My. Question."
"I live on the fifth floor," the kid replied with a cheerful smile.
"Oh, good." Azrael's tension eased. "Can you answer another question? And I'm not buying any more lemonade."
The kid shrugged. "Fine. What's the question?"
"Well, I'm looking for two friends of mine-"
"You wanna know if they live in this building."
Azrael nodded. "Yeah."
"I dunno." The kid rolled his eyes upwards. "I don't know all that many people in this building…" he trailed off and held out his hand expectantly.
Azrael gave the kid a deathly glare. "Does the word extortion mean anything to you?"
The kid smiled innocently. "Nope."
Growling, Azrael dug around in his wallet, eventually pulling out a ten-dollar bill. "Here, you little brat."
The kid stared at the ten. "I have to tell Mom I need glasses. I only see a ten here."
"Why you-" cutting himself off, the former demon pulled out another ten.
The kid accepted the bills and smiled up at Azrael. "Ask away."
Azrael rolled his eyes. "I'm looking for two guys-one of them is this tall and blond, and the other guy is taller and dark-haired."
"Oh, I know them. They walk their dog in the park every other day."
"Their dog?"
"Yeah, they got it from the shelter a few weeks ago."
"Hey, are you two talking about those two gay guys?" A third voice spoke up from behind Azrael. It was a teen a few years older than the kid and wearing a backwards baseball cap.
"Gay guys? What the hell?"
The kid nodded, ignoring Azrael's outburst. "Yeah, them."
"Wait, wait! How do you know they're gay?"
The teen rolled his eyes. "Two guys living alone together, with a dog. What else are we supposed to think?"
Azrael shrugged. "They could be friends."
The teen smirked. "Oh, they're definitely gay. I heard my mom tell my aunt over the phone that she can hear them every night through the walls."
"Doing what?"
The teen arched a brow. "You know what."
"What floor do you live on?"
The teen looked him up and down with a smirk. "That all depends," he said, holding out a hand.
Azrael stood in front of the door, feeling unnaturally nervous. The former demon was not used to being nervous. For a full minute he couldn't move, just stare straight at the door in front of him. Finally, he slowly raised a hand and banged on the door. Barking immediately broke out from inside. Azrael quickly plucked his hat off his head and used it to cover the peephole. He wasn't quite sure how he would be received and decided he wanted the advantage of the element of surprise.
So they do have a dog, he thought idly as he waited for the door to open, the sound of barking now coming from right inside the door. He started to hum a tune under his breath while he waited.
"Shut up, will ya?" an annoyed voice spoke up suddenly from behind the door. The barking ceased and the door suddenly sprung open. "Why'd you cover the-" Bartleby stopped speaking as he noticed the identity of his visitor.
Azrael grinned cockily, brushing aside all his nervousness. "How's Earth treatin' ya?"
"Azrael?" Bartleby stared at him wide-eyed.
"In the flesh," Azrael replied, sauntering in before Bartleby could slam the door in his face.
"Hey, By, who's at the-" Loki walked out of the room nearest to the door only to halt and stare in astonishment at the former demon standing innocently in their living room.
"Surprise," Azrael snickered, taking in the fact that Loki was dressed only in a pair of boxers.
"Az? Wh-What are you doing here?"
Azrael looked down at the dog, which was standing a short distance away from him, staring. "I see that you do have a dog. That kid outside the building said you did but I didn't believe him. Nice doggy." Azrael leaned down to pet it, only to have the dog growl and snap at his hand. Azrael jumped back. "Son of a-"
"She's a bitch, actually. Or she was." Bartleby smirked as he leaned down and pat the dog, which happily wagged her tail.
Azrael carefully inspected his hand. Luckily, the dog hadn't bitten him. "Yeah, well, you should teach her some manners."
"You're one to speak," Loki grumbled. "You barged in on us."
Bartleby turned to Azrael. "That's right. What are you doing here? I thought you'd be back in Hell by now."
Azrael shrugged casually. "Well, I was, until Lucifer threw me out."
Loki snickered. "Lucifer threw you out?"
Azrael glared at him. "He was a little pissed that I tried to end existence."
"And you decided to find us?" Bartleby's brow furrowed, a suspicious glint in his eyes.
Azrael studied his fingernails intently. "Well, actually, God sent Metatron to find me and bring me to Heaven."
"Heaven?" Bartleby's jaw dropped and Loki's eyes widened.
Azrael looked up at them, his face strangely softened. "She wanted to speak to me." He looked down at the floor. "She told me that She would absolve me of my sins if I kept you two out of trouble."
"What?" Bartleby cried, his brown eyes widening in shock.
"You? Keep us out of trouble?" Loki shook his head with wonder.
Azrael looked back up, smirking slightly. "Don't look at me. I wondered the same thing."
Bartleby straightened up, staring hard at Azrael. "There is no way we're letting you stay here. You almost made us erase existence!"
Azrael sneered. "The way I hear it, you knew what you were doing at the end."
Loki quickly jumped to Bartleby's defense. "That was partly your fault!"
"My fault? How is it my fault anal-retentive boy, here, freaked out?"
"Don't yell at him!"
Soon all three were shouting and arguing. The dog promptly joined in, barking and growling at Azrael. Azrael kicked at the dog and Bartleby and Loki quickly hollered at him. They then argued over his actions against the dog. The apartment was filled with their yelling.
A shrill whistle interrupted them. Bartleby, Loki, and Azrael covered their ears to block the painful sound and the dog raced away into the closest bedroom with a yelp.
"Jesus, you people are vociferous," a familiar voice drawled after a moment of silence. Azrael, Bartleby, and Loki stared at the Voice. Metatron shook his head. "God heard you arguing and sent me to stop it. Now, what's the matter?" The three of them simultaneously opened their mouths to speak but he quickly lifted a hand. "No, I'd rather not have a repeat performance."
Metatron crossed his arms over his chest and glared sternly at the three of them. "You three have been given a second chance by God to make things right. You should be falling all over yourselves to please Her instead of squabbling like a bunch of children."
Azrael, Bartleby, and Loki exchanged guilty looks then stared at the ground.
Metatron smiled. "That's better. Now, can I trust you three to behave like good little boys, or will I have to send someone else to keep an eye on you?"
The three muttered dissent to his latter proposition.
Metatron breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I'll leave you three here, then. Could you please just try to get along? It's not my idea of a good time to play babysitter to you three." Before they could answer, he snapped his fingers and disappeared again.
The three of them stood silently for a few minutes. Finally, Bartleby cleared his throat. "Well, I guess you could stay in the other bedroom," he said hesitantly.
Loki coughed and shrugged uneasily. "Yeah, it's not like we use it anymore."
Azrael smirked. "So I've heard."
"What?"
Azrael grinned. "Oh, nothing."
A/N: I wasn't originally planning on tossing Azrael in with Bartleby and Loki, but I couldn't think of anything else to do with him. Hope you enjoyed the story. Please, review once you're done reading. Thank you.
