Disclaimer: Dogma and all its characters belong to the brilliant-if extreme-Kevin Smith. I am making no money off this.
Author's Note: As was pointed out to me when I posted the original part of this, the story was more of a prologue than a complete story. So I've decided to attempt to make this a series of stories featuring Bartleby, Loki, and of course Azrael. Oh, and be warned, the story is a bit slashy.
Rated: R
Reviews are welcome and encouraged. Constructive criticism welcome, too.
Loki stumbled out of the bedroom, clad only in a pair of boxers. He paused at the sight of a figure lounging on the living room couch. For a moment the sight of a boxer-clad Azrael watching TV in their living room bewildered him. Then he remembered why the former demon was in their apartment.
Azrael glanced up and grinned at the sight of Loki standing in the bedroom doorway. "Well, good-morning roomie!"
Loki squinted in the morning light. "How long have you been up?"
Azrael lifted a bare wrist as if to look at a watch. "Oh, I've been up for hours," he said cheerfully.
Loki eyed him suspiciously. "Why are you so cheerful?"
Azrael twisted around to look at Loki. "I just slept for six hours in a soft bed and I've been watching whatever I want on TV for the first time…ever! This is the best time I've had since I got kicked out of Heaven."
Loki couldn't think of an answer so he just shrugged and headed for the kitchen. Azrael shut off the TV and followed him.
"So, where's your lover?" Azrael smirked. Humming under his breath, the former demon pulled a bowl out of the cupboard and started preparing himself a bowl of cereal.
Loki rolled his eyes. "Bartleby is getting ready for work." He opened the refrigerator and took out a carton of milk.
Azrael sat down to eat. "Say, what does Bartleby do?"
Loki paused in the middle of pouring a glass of milk. "Y'know, I have no idea."
Azrael raised his eyebrows. "You don't even know what he does? Jeezus, do you ever even talk to each other?"
Loki rolled his eyes. "Of course we talk to each other! What do you think we do all the time?" Loki sighed when Azrael only waggled his eyebrows in answer. "Just shut up and eat your cereal."
"Touchy, touchy," Azrael teased, popping a big spoonful of cereal in his mouth.
Loki opened his mouth to reply when Bartleby strolled in, fully dressed. "Morning," the dark-haired former angel greeted the two.
"Hey, Bartleby, what do you do?"
Bartleby glanced at Azrael. "None of your business."
Azrael rolled his eyes and took another bite of cereal, muttering, "Ask a simple question…"
Bartleby wandered over to the fridge and opened it, perusing the shelves. "No orange juice," he finally announced, shutting the door.
"The milk's out if you want it," Loki told him.
"All right, thanks." Bartleby sighed and grabbed a cup.
Azrael shook his head, munching audibly on cereal.
Bartleby caught the subtle motion and turned to him. "What?"
Azrael snickered through his cereal. "You two are such a married couple."
Bartleby rolled his eyes. "You're just jealous, Az."
"Yeah, right," Azrael replied sardonically.
"Just shut up and eat your cereal." Bartleby's brow furrowed when Azrael started laughing. "What?"
Azrael just shook his head, still laughing.
Bartleby glared at him while finishing his drink. He rinsed out the cup and set it by the sink. "Whatever. I don't have time for this. I gotta get to work." He leaned down to kiss Loki good-bye.
Azrael grimaced. "Eww, some people are trying to eat here!"
Bartleby pulled away from Loki to glare balefully at the former demon. "Hey, if you don't like the view, leave the room."
Azrael rolled his eyes but turned away and went back to eating his cereal.
Bartleby kissed Loki again, drawing it out. "I might be a little late from work," he said once he finally pulled away. He raised his voice so Azrael would be sure to listen. "Is it safe for me to leave you two alone together, or should I call in sick?"
Azrael smirked at him. "Don't worry, June, the Beav and I will play nice."
Bartleby glanced at Loki, who mumbled an acquiescent. "Just try not to kill each other, boys. All right?" He ruffled Loki's hair lovingly before heading out the door.
Loki turned to Azrael once Bartleby had left. "The Beav?"
Azrael shrugged, grinning sheepishly. "TV Land was the only station with anything on."
*****
"Hey, is there anything to do around here?" Azrael asked Loki when the blond stepped out of the bedroom, now fully dressed.
"We're in Wisconsin, what do you think?"
Azrael shrugged and flipped the channel.
Loki moved to join him on the couch but stopped at the sight of Chance, their dog, curled up beside Azrael. "I thought she didn't like you."
"Who?" Azrael looked down at the dog, which looked back up at him. "Oh, her?" He shrugged, flipping the channel again. "We struck a deal. She doesn't bite me and I let her have half my meals for a week."
"You struck a deal with a dog?" Loki stared at Azrael in wonder.
"Yeah, so? I've made lots of deals in my time…" Azrael continued to flip through the channels.
"Are you really that bored?"
Azrael looked up at Loki. "I've flipped through every channel on this TV fifteen times. Does that sound bored to you?"
Loki shrugged and sat down. "Yeah."
"So what do you do all day while anal-retentive boy's at work?"
Loki scowled. "Don't call him that. It all depends. Sometimes I watch TV all day and sometimes I go walking with the dog… That's it!"
Azrael raised his eyebrows, still staring at the tube. "What's it?"
"We can go to the park. Take the dog for a walk."
"I don't do parks," Azrael replied dully.
Loki rolled his eyes. "Well, it's better than hanging out here watching nothing on TV."
"What's at the park?"
Loki shrugged. "A bunch of stuff. There's the beautiful scenery, walking and jogging trails, and benches to feed the pigeons on, or whatever." Loki chuckled. "And Bartleby and I like to scope out the women every once in a while. You wouldn't believe how many beautiful women you can find in a park."
Azrael paused in the middle of flipping the channel. "Women?" he repeated, for the first time showing great interest in the conversation.
Loki glanced sideways at him. "Uh, yeah."
Azrael jumped up. "All right, roomie, let's go to the park."
Loki stared at the former demon, bewildered by Azrael's sudden change in attitude. "Huh?"
Azrael turned to him, grinning widely. "Loki, old buddy, I need to get laid."
"What?" Loki exclaimed, jumping up.
"You heard me. If I'm going to be human for a while, I might as well enjoy the benefits."
Loki frowned. "And you want to do this in the park?"
Azrael looked at him oddly before rolling his eyes. "No, stupid! I want to pick up chics in the park. I'll do the laying over here."
"You want to bring a girl here?"
"Hey! I spent two hours last night trying to get to sleep while you two were going at it. Hell, if I bring a chic over you probably won't even notice!"
Loki sighed and rubbed his forehead. "All right, all right."
*****
"So, where are all the chics?" Azrael rubbed his hands together and looked around expectantly.
Loki rolled his eyes, questioning his intelligence for bringing the former demon with him. "Just keep yourself in check, Az. Keep that up and you'll scare them all away."
Azrael scowled. "I didn't come here for the scenery." He looked around the park, annoyed at only seeing lots of trees and green grass.
"C'mon, Az, they're not just going to flock to you. You have to look." Without waiting for Azrael's response, Loki walked off with Chance trotting at his side.
Azrael slowly followed him, still scowling. "How would you know, anyways?"
Loki looked over his shoulder. "And you would know better?" The three of them walked in silence for a few minutes, pausing every now and then to let Chance sniff at a tree or bush.
"I just thought of something that bothers me," Azrael suddenly piped up.
Loki glanced at him. "What?"
"You said you and Bartleby like to scope the women."
"Yeah, so?"
"I thought you two were together?"
"We are." Loki smirked at Azrael. "Just because two guys are in a relationship doesn't mean they can't appreciate hot women."
"Well, yeah…"
Suddenly catching on, Loki rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Hey, just because I fuck another guy doesn't make me gay!"
Azrael raised his eyebrows. "If you say so."
The threesome continued walking in silence. When they stopped for the thousandth time to let Chance sniff a bush, Azrael finally broke the silence.
"Jeezus! Does she have to stop and sniff every tree and bush we pass?" the former demon huffed.
But Loki was distracted by movement from the corner of his eye. He turned his head to get a good look. "Hey, Az," he said.
"What?" Azrael snapped, visibly annoyed.
"There's a hot woman." Loki pointed to a woman walking quickly down the path near the one the threesome was on.
"Really?" Azrael turned eagerly to look. "What do I do?" he then asked, suddenly rounding on Loki.
Loki shrugged. "Go talk to her, man." He turned Azrael in the woman's direction and clapped him on the back. "Good luck."
"Right. Talk to her." Azrael strode off, taking a deep breath. He had to break into a run to catch up with the woman, but he finally did and slowed to match her pace.
"Hey," Azrael said in greeting, ignoring the annoyed look she'd shot at him.
"Hey," she replied with little enthusiasm.
Azrael took in a deep breath of air then expelled it. "Lovely day, isn't it?"
"Mmm-hmm," was the woman's vague reply.
"Yeah, I was just telling my roommate that this morning," Azrael went on, ignoring the fact that the woman seemed little interested. "That's why we decided to come to the park. There's nothing better than a good walk in the park." Azrael eyed the woman sideways, trying to gauge her interest.
Azrael's words seemed to have sparked some interest in the woman. She looked at him more closely for the first time. "Really. Where's your roommate?"
"Oh, he's back there somewhere, walking his dog." Azrael indicated behind them vaguely with his hand.
The woman turned her head to look over her shoulder. She spotted Loki walking Chance only a few feet behind them. "That's your roommate?" She indicated Loki with her finger.
Azrael turned his head to look, too. "Yep, that's him."
"You know Larry?" the woman asked.
"Larry?" Confusion crossed Azrael's face.
"So you're friends with Larry and Barry?"
"Oh, yeah," Azrael said, realizing who she was talking about.
"I've met them a couple times walking their dog together. They're really a cute couple. I think it's great that they don't worry what people think about them."
"Yeah. Great."
The woman looked at him. "What about you? Are you…?"
"No! Not at all," Azrael quickly hastened to say.
The woman smiled. "They've never mentioned someone was living with them."
Azrael grinned and shrugged. "Probably because I just moved in with them."
"Really? Why?"
"It's a long story," Azrael said warningly.
The woman smiled, her eyes showing her interest. "I wouldn't mind hearing it."
"No?" The woman shook her head. "Well, all right. You see, I actually used to be a demon. Y'know, like in the Bible. And, well, I tried to erase existence, which you can tell didn't work out. So God told me that if I made up for all the bad things I'd done, She'd allow me back into Heaven. Which is why I'm down here, as a mortal."
The woman suddenly stopped walking, all the color draining from her face. "What?"
Azrael grinned, barely taking in her pale appearance. "No, it gets better. So I'm staying with Lo-uh-Larry and Barry, right? And, well, I've never been human before so I've never been with a woman. So I decide to make the most of it and have some fun. Which is why I decide to come here and pick up chics." He turned toward the woman and flashed his best smile. "So, what do you say? Want to fuck me?"
The woman gaped at him for a moment before slapping him hard across the face. "Psycho!" The woman quickly made her getaway, not once daring to look over her shoulder.
Azrael lifted a hand to touch his stinging cheek. "So that's why they call it being bitch-slapped." Azrael grimaced and rubbed his cheek. "And they said honesty was the best policy." Sighing dejectedly, he headed back to where he'd left Loki.
"What happened?" Loki asked when the former demon reached him.
Azrael shrugged. "I don't know. I just asked her if she wanted to fuck me and she slapped me."
Loki snickered and rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should try a more subtle approach."
*****
"So I was wondering if you wouldn't like to go back to my apartment with me and have a sleepover." Azrael waggled his eyebrows and grinned.
"Pervert!" the woman cried, smacking him smartly across the face. She stormed off.
"I take that that's a no?" Azrael called after her. He sighed when the woman flicked him off over her shoulder.
Loki chuckled from his seat on the bench. He'd finally decided to sit down and watch as Azrael was turned down by every woman he asked. It was actually quite entertaining.
"Damn it, all these women are prudes," Azrael grumbled as he took a seat beside Loki.
"You give up?"
Azrael glared at him. "With these women? Hell yes! But there's gotta be some loose women around here."
Loki shrugged. "I wouldn't know."
"You have clubs around here, don't you?"
"I guess."
Azrael stood up. "Great, let's go."
Loki frowned. "Where?"
"To find loose women," Azrael replied.
Loki sighed and stood up as well. "All right. But we have to take Chance home first."
"Fine. Now, let's go!"
*****
"Now this is more like it," Azrael said with a grin as they entered the dark, loud club.
"Yeah," Loki admitted. He spotted the bar and headed off to get a drink. "Happy hunting."
Azrael mingled for a while until he spotted a beautiful woman standing off to the side, drinking a martini. Azrael swaggered over and casually stopped beside her. "Some place, huh?" he said in a loud tone so she could hear him over the music.
The woman glanced at him. "Yeah. Great."
Azrael bounced on his toes. "So, you come here often?"
The woman took a sip of her drink before looking at him. "Usually." She looked him up and down and smiled. "What about you?"
He grinned at her. "My first time, actually."
"Really," the woman purred. She took another sip of her drink. "You dance?"
Azrael grinned. "I invented dancing, you know. Well, actually I inspired the first person who danced."
The woman chuckled, taking his comment as a joke. "What's your name?"
"Az-uh-I mean Alan. What's yours?"
The woman was about to reply when another man interposed himself between them. "Hey, what do you think you're doing, buddy?" the man growled at Azrael.
Azrael looked the man up and down. They were the same height but the man outweighed Azrael by a good fifty pounds. "I was just talking to…to…her," Azrael fumbled as he didn't know the woman's name.
The other man glared coldly at Azrael. "You can just forget about talking to her. Connie's here with me."
Azrael gulped. "Oh, well, I-I didn't know." Azrael glanced at the woman but she only looked bored by the confrontation.
"Well now you do," the man growled, a hard edge to his voice.
"Er, right! Well, I think I'll be going now." Azrael grinned sheepishly before retreating. He escaped to the bar where Loki was standing.
"Any luck?" Loki asked Azrael, his voice already slightly slurred with drink.
"Not yet," Azrael muttered, waving to the bartender. "Tequila, please."
Loki grunted and took another gulp of his drink. "Don't worry, Az, old buddy. There's lots of drunken women here. One of them has to be desperate enough to go home with you."
"Thanks," Azrael retorted sarcastically.
"Brodie?"
Azrael turned at the sound of a woman's husky voice. He came face to face with a blond-haired woman. "Who's Brodie?"
"I guess not," the woman said, sounding disappointed. She smiled at Azrael. "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
"This Brodie guy?"
"Yeah." The woman paused and studied him intently. "You look a lot like him."
"Who is he?"
The woman smiled and shrugged. "Just a guy I know back in Jersey."
"Are you from there?"
The woman nodded. "Yep."
"What are you doing here?"
The woman shrugged. "Visiting relatives."
Azrael nodded and took a sip of his drink. "Can I buy you a drink?"
The woman arched a brow and smiled. "I try not to make it a habit of accepting drinks from guys I don't know the name of."
Azrael grinned sheepishly. "The name's Alan." He held out his hand.
The woman smiled and shook it. "Hello, Alan. I'm Gwen."
"Gwen, can I get you a drink?"
Gwen smiled flirtingly at him. "Sure. And maybe a little something else…"
*****
Bartleby entered the apartment cautiously, put off by how dark it was. "Hello? Anybody here?" Shrugging to himself, he took off his coat and hung it up. He bypassed the kitchen, walking through the living room intent on entering his bedroom. He stopped upon seeing a figure stretched out on their couch. He walked over to investigate and found Loki passed out.
"Loki?"
The blond former angel stirred at the sound of Bartleby's voice.
"Loki." Bartleby shook him.
Loki groggily opened his eyes. "By?"
Bartleby grinned. "Yep."
Loki eased himself up, blinking and swallowing thickly. "What time is it?"
Bartleby rolled his eyes. "Time for bed. Don't tell me the two of you spent all day getting drunk."
Loki shook his head. "Nah. We went to the park so Az could hit on chics only they all slapped him so then we went to some clubs. Only the chics still slapped him, or threw their drinks at him 'til finally we got to this one club and Az finally found a chic who didn't slap him. So he brought her back here."
Bartleby frowned. "So where are they now?"
Loki waved weakly toward Azrael's bedroom. "Where do you think?"
Bartleby looked at the door and suddenly noticed familiar sounds coming from behind the closed door. He shook his head and turned his attentions back on his lover. Loki was obviously still drunk and would need assistance getting into bed. "Let's get you into bed, Loki."
"Why, are you tired?"
Bartleby bit back a smile. "Yeah. Exhausted."
Suddenly, Azrael's door opened and the former demon staggered out, wearing only his boxers. He made it halfway across the room before noticing the pair. "Uh, hey," he said. He shrugged and grinned sheepishly as he headed for the kitchen. "She wants another beer."
Bartleby and Loki watched his departing back. Then Bartleby turned to Loki, looking puzzled. "Was he glowing?"
