It took a moment for Jareth to identify the noise coming from the other bed. As he awoke fully the realization of what the sound was made his chest tighten. Crying. Sarah was crying.
It wasn't the first time he had heard it; he had spent those gruesome 6 hours as she sobbed over sappy movies and a relationship gone sour. But this wasn't the sound of emotional release. This was the soft keening of someone who holds their pain close to their chest until it overflows. These tears were simply the excess her body couldn't contain anymore. Without any thought to propriety or his own personal safety, Jareth slipped out of his bed and moved through the dark to hers. She was at the far end of the double bed, curled in a fetal position with her back to him. He stayed on top of the covers, but curled his body around her form. She didn't seem to notice.
"Shhhh. It's ok," he murmured, running a hand over hair still damp from her shower. It did not have the desired effect, though, as her body only rocked harder.
"How do I keep doing this?" she whispered, over and over.
"Doing what?" he asked, but there was no answer. Just the quiet sobbing that spasmed through her. It felt like hours before she began to settle, the sobs reduced to tears that she let roll down her cheek onto the bedspread.
She sighed as she began talking, more to the darkness than to him. "Every time I tell myself I'll do better. I won't be careless, I won't be thoughtless. And yet every time I mess up."
"Sarah, what was said three years ago was said as a child. You learned from it and never made the same mistake again. That's part of growing up. You can't blame yourself for what happened today." Jareth wasn't sure if he wanted to hold her or shake her. Surely she wasn't still tormenting herself for wishing Toby away. As it was, he opted for propping himself over her on one arm, leaving his right hand free to continue running through her hair.
"No, I know. But it's like I set off a chain reaction. Bad things happen to Toby because of me." the "me" trailed off into small convulsions as she fought the urge to cry again.
This time he did shake her, or very nearly. Grabbing her shoulder, he pushed her over until she lay flat on her back, looking up at him. "Listen to me very carefully, Sarah," he said, insistent, "that is not true. You have made a life for him after a horrible tragedy. Not many women your age would be up to the task. And you're the best chance he's got to coming out of this safely. Do you understand me?"
Rather than comforting, she just shook her head and rolled back on her side, facing the wall. Her voice was stronger when she answered, though, meaning the tears were over. For the first time he wondered if maybe that was because she had buried them again rather than gained any true release.
"I hate how everyone tells me that." she began. "When it first happened, all I got were cards and visits from people who all told me the same thing: That Toby's so lucky to have a sister like me to take care of him. Some sister," she laughed, humorless, "a sister who wishes him away to goblins of all things and then that…"
She had trailed off, but he was pretty sure he knew what "that" was referring to. "Sarah, I know it sounds cliché, but sometimes tragedies just happen. We can't explain them, we can't necessarily avoid them -"
"Ah, but see, there you're wrong." she cut him off. "Everything, every goddamn thing could have been avoided! I just keep messing up!"
"Sarah, you're not making sense! I don't understand how you can blame any of this on yourself!"
"No, you wouldn't understand," she mumbled before burying her head in the pillow. When it became apparent she wasn't going to say anymore he began to slide back to his own bed. Before he could get far, though, her hand reached out and grabbed his.
"No, stay."
He thought for a moment that he had never heard two more beautiful words in his life. Confident now, he returned to spooning with her, his arm wrapped over her until his hand covered hers. Her hair smelled like almonds with a hint of vanilla. He realized that he was going to have a difficult time not nuzzling her neck. It was horrible, he knew - she was obviously distraught over something and he was thinking of making advances. He tried distracting himself. After all, she was upset and over more than just the obvious. But she was right; he didn't understand what it was that was eating away at her. Her breathing had stilled, meaning she had probably fallen back asleep, so he couldn't even ask her. Sighing, he murmured, "I wish you would tell me what's wrong."
He almost jumped when she actually answered. "The day before the accident, Jeremy and I got in a fight. It was stupid; I can't even remember what we were fighting over. Just one of those dumb things couples argue over and then blow out of proportion. It happened at least once a month with us and we always made up a day or two later. We'd get mad, storm off, then someone would call and apologize." she paused, shaking her head. Her hair brushed against his cheek with each toss of her head. "I had told Karen the week before that I'd babysit Toby so they could go out. But then Jeremy called and asked if we could go talk."
"Talk," she snorted, "Talk meaning we'd go to a café, he'd apologize so we could go back to his place and have make-up sex."
Without meaning to, Jareth heard himself growl under his breath. He hoped her story was getting to a point other than sleeping with that boy.
"Karen was so nice about it, she told me to go out and have a good time, that she'd get Mrs. Thompson to babysit." her voice broke as she finished, "When I came home the police were everywhere. They…they told me what happened… how Toby…." she trailed off, squeezing her eyes shut against tears that threatened to leak out. She waited until the spasm passed and she could breathe steadily again. "That's how I almost lost Toby a second time. For one stupid night with my stupid boyfriend who didn't even stick around when things went to hell. It was such a waste, just a stupid fucking waste!" Angry now, she pounded into the mattress as she spit out each word.
He didn't know what to say. Experience had taught him that the only thing truly impossible to change is someone else's beliefs. Instead he just squeezed her tighter, holding down her hands so they couldn't wreak any more vengeance upon the mattress. "Sarah, Sarah" he whispered her name like a mantra until she settled. She didn't cry, but shivered slightly.
"Do you believe that Toby blames you for what happened?" he asked gently.
"No." Her voice was very small when she answered.
"Then why do you keep blaming yourself?" he pressed.
"I feel it eat away at my heart. It's like a poison I can't find the cure to, and then I think maybe I don't deserve a cure, maybe there is none for someone like me. And then I pick Toby up from school, or I wake him up in the morning, and he smiles at me and I think, 'This is why I'm here. For all my mistakes I can still make him smile like that.' And then my chest hurts a little less."
He sighed, rolling her over once more so he could look her in the eye. "Believe me when I say this, that I would go to any length to make this better for you if I could. But until you learn to forgive yourself, Sarah, this will never stop haunting you, and nothing in my power will fix it."
She met his gaze, began to say something then paused, changing her mind. "I'm glad you're here with me."
He kissed her forehead softly, "I will always be here for you."
She smiled before rolling back on her side, holding his hand in both of hers. "'Til the world falls down?" she asked, the smile still evident behind her words.
He smiled into her hair. "Longer."
