Chapter 6
Juliette woke to the sound of the others getting dressed and ready for breakfast the next morning. She felt good. She wasn't sure why, but the sunlight was streaming in the window and she was actually hungry. Hungry - a feeling that only within the last few months was she beginning to identify. Deciding to go to breakfast she stood and headed towards the bathroom passing Daisy on the way there.
"Actually headed to breakfast this morning?" she asked.
"Yea," Juliette said with a sincere smile. "I'm hungry."
Daisy looked taken aback for a moment. "Good for you Jules." She said and then went on. "You want Shelby and I to wait on you?"
"No," Juliette said stopping and taking some cloths and things from her cubby, "I'm going to take a nice long shower."
"Alright. We'll see you at breakfast."
Juliette picked up her tray and headed over to join the cliffhangers at their usual table.
"So did you guys finish your assignment?" Scott asked.
"What's the assignment?" Juliette asked wanting to be on what was going on.
"It's this journaling thing." Ezra said. "It was assigned yesterday in group, when you weren't there."
"Why weren't you there?" David asked raising his eyebrows. "Auggie's not around... maybe it's when the cat's away the mouse will play?"
Shelby through David a dirty look as did everyone else at the table, but she spoke up, "David, Juliette isn't stupid enough to cheat on Auggie, not to mention that Princess doesn't have it in her."
"So why weren't you at group?" Scott asked, wanting to know. Even with everything else goin on around him, he had noticed Juliette absence lately.
"Well, um..." Juliette wasn't sure what to say, finally deciding on a semblance of truth she answered, "I didn't feel like going."
"How did that go over with Roger and Sophie?" Scott asked knowing that not wanting to go wasn't a good enough reason.
"Don't you know Scott?" Shelby asked, "Juliette's blackmailing them." Scott looked at Shelby in disbelief. "There is no other way that she could get away with all she's missed lately, yet she keeps doing it."
"I just...." Juliette didn't know what to say. "I'm not blackmailing them." She defended. "I just didn't want to go." Seeing that they are about to ask her more questiongs she stands, "I should really get back to the dorms, i have something to be working on." With that she made a quick exit.
"Maybe it's because Auggie's not in town?" Ezra suggested as they watched her go.
"Doubt that Ez," Daisy said, "Peter has never really approved of dating here, let alone love sick isolation. "
Juliette was headed back to the dorm when she realized that she didn't want to go there and be alone. She wanted to hang out with the others, but the more she tried the more they wanted to know why she wasn't around during everything. Sighing she stops and sits down on a bench by the gazebo.
"Feeling ok Juliette?"
She looked up and saw Roger standing above her. "Hey Roger."
"You feeling ok?" He asked again taking a seat next to her.
"Yes. I'm fine." She said not looking at him. Then deciding that she didn't want to keep how she felt to herself she turned to Roger, "No, I'm not fine, it's this stupid assignment that Peter gave me. Every time I try to hang out with the other cliffhangers after doing what I want, they try to force me to tell them why I'm not there. I've been evasive and all, but I don't like lying to them and Peter said I wasn't allowed to tell them about the assignment or it would end and I don't want that." She finished and then took a breath.
Roger took thought for amoment before speaking, "Why is it so important to you that this assignment not end? Maybe you should just tell them and go back to doing things by the rules."
"I'm not breaking any rules." Juliette said exasperated. "I'm just doing what I want... and I don't get to do what I want, not ever." For once she wasn't whining. "Everyone always expects me to do something, Juliette you need to lose weight, Juliette you need to be prettier, Juliette you need to attend class, Juliette quit acting like a princess, Juliette don't call your father." she swallowed hard, "For once, I just enjoy doing what I want to for a change. Even if the choice is only as much as going to group or not going to group. I get so sick of doing things for other people."
"Then why do you do it?" Roger asked. He could tell this was a new thing for Juliette. Declaring that she did what others wanted and not what she wanted. Maybe Peter's assignment would work out even better then they had all thought.
"Because if I didn't others would be mad at me." She looked down at her hands in her lap. "My mother would yell at me for not being who she wanted me to be. She'd force me to my room and not let me stay at the parties and events unless I did what she wanted. Even now, she's holding my father over my head, by not letting me contact him. I just want to make her happy, but nothing I do does that." She looked over at Roger, tears in her eyes, "Why am I not good enough for her?"
It was a long moment, before Roger responded, "Juliette, you are good enough for her. Your mother's expectations are far to high, no one could live up to them. It's not fair of her... it's abusive to you, for her to expect those things of you and to demand that you do something you are not physically capable of. Juliette you were never meant to be under a hundred pounds, not at your height. You were never meant to be perfect or to have the best grades. Normal, reasonable expectations are that you do the best that you can and you work hard, and that's it. Anything above that, is far to great of a demand."
Juliette huffed in disbelief. "So I'm good enough and she's just demanding?"
"Yea." Roger answered so simply that she was taken aback and was almost convinced. Roger seeing the connection about to be made said, "She is the one wrong here Juliette. Not you. She's too demanding."
Juliette shook her head slightly. No, it was easier to beleive that she wasn't good enough. Because if not, then her mother just couldn't love her the way she was. It had to be her fault.
"Why don't you journal on it?" Roger said. "And I'll check back on you later today?"
"Everyone tells me to do that." She said with a slight smile.
"Well don't do it because I tell you to, do it because you want to." Roger said standing up. "I'll see you later. If you need me don't hesitate to ask, alright?" Juliette nodded and watched him walk away.
Do it because she wanted to? That's what he had said. Like she was going to journal just because she wanted to. Not that it had been such a bad thing. She'd really enjoyed it the last few days, especially sense the others weren't really around because she didn't have to go to class. So what was the point of this assignment, Peter, she asked herself. Standing up, she wasn't at all sure.
"Ok guys," Sophie said standing in front of the group. It was shortly after breakfast and they were having group. "Juliette isn't coming today and Eric's still sick, so why don't we get started. Yesterday I had you all say how you felt and journal on it, not I want to tell me how you feel after journaling and if it made any difference in how you felt. We'll start with Scott."
"Well, um," Scott couldn't believe she'd picked him to go first he hated doing this, not that it was so bad, it was just hard. "Well, um, I yesterday felt Undecided, cause I can't decide if I want to give my dad another chance or not. I journaled on it, but I still don't know. He was such a jerk about the whole thing and I called him and it went ok, but it doesn't necessarily change anything."
Sophie nodded, "Shelby?"
"Torn." She said glancing sideways at Scott, they were both experience sort of the same thing. "I'm trying to decide if I should tell my sister more about what happened with our dad. She's in counseling and the counselor thinks it's good for her to talk to me about the suicide, but I just... I don't know. There are things she doesn't know and they could hurt her. She's my younger sister I want to protect her."
Sophie looked to David who turned away. "David." She said with slight warning in her voice.
David groaned inwardly, he knew he would get in trouble if he was smart about it, sense when had that mattered though, maybe sense he hooked up with Daisy. When had they hooked up though? He couldn't go back to being such a jerk though, if he did, he's really hate him, not that she wasn't going to hate him anyway, after finding out he lied to her. He looked at Daisy, who looked at him confused. "I felt guilty. And journaling didn't help. I still feel guilty." He said dropping his head to look at his feet.
"Dejected." Ezra said volunteering, before Sophie got to him. "And it didn't help me either. "
"Daisy?" Sophie asked letting the two boys slide on their responses.
"I was confused and I'm still confused, but journaling did help me to sort out my thoughts."
Sophie nodded. "Ok. Do you guys want to talk about these things? I know some of you want to deal with them one on one with Peter or I and that's ok, but you guys are a group and some of you may be able to offer advice to each other."
"Well," Daisy said after a moment, feeling kind of bad for Sophie with the guys short responses, "I think sometimes it can be good to give people a second chance. Yes people screw up and do horrible things, but that doesn't mean forgiveness can't be given."
"Even if the person hurts you really badly?" Scott asked.
"Well, my dad hurt me really badly and I forgave him." Daisy said. "But he didn't do some of the things that happened to you... it would be different for me, to try to forgive him... if he had done something sexual."
"My dad didn't do anything sexual... I mean in a way he did... he overlooked it going on... that's pretty bad, but he wasn't there for me.... I think that hurts more. He overlooked what happened, it's like he didn't care. I'm his only son, I thought I meant more to him then that."
"My mom did the same thing Scott." Shelby said. "When I went home last year, she said it didn't happen, I walked into her room one night after finding out that he'd been raping Jess too and I spoke to her."
Memories assaulted Shelby's mind. 'He left this bed, every night, every night. he came to my room, to Jess' room. You knew... you had to know'.
"And so I told her, about how she'd have had to know that he was leaving her bed every night and coming into our rooms and doing that to us. And she said I was a liar and that she told the social worker that I was a liar - she asked when i was going to quit hiding from my problems." She shook her head. "Later after the cops showed up when they threatened to take Jess and I out of the home, she admitted that she knew. I said, 'I thought you said you didn't know' her response was 'I didn't want to know'." Shleby looked at Scott. "They don't want to know. Your father doesn't want to know because it means he let you down, it means his wife betrayed him."
"So it's ok for him to betray me?" Scott asked angrily.
"No!" Shelby said. "But... he was hurt to. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it right what Walt did to me or what my father did to me, but.... things happen Scott and it's wrong, but when he is willing to admit this happened to him...." She stopped trying to think of another way to explain it. "Scott do you remember what it was like when nobody knew? Do you know how hard it was to carry that around? Do you remember the only thing worse then being found out was the feeling that if it was admitted then it meant it had actually happened and that someone had done this to you and then that people would say it was your fault?" Scott nodded. "Your dad feels that way right now... only in his case, he's partially responsible for it. No he didn't take part in the act, but he did let it happen and he can't live with that, so it's easier, though cowardly to make it more your fault then his."
Scott shook his head slightly still not wanting to let his dad off the hook. "I guess."
"He feels guilty Scott." Daisy said.
"And he should." Scott shot back.
"Yea," David said joining the conversation. "Cause he did something stupid."
"You guys, guilt will make people do crazy things. No one wants to admit something that they are ashamed of. All of you, everyone, tries to avoid being seen as weak, insuffiecient, incompatant, dumb, imperfect. We all want to be seen as capable put together people and admitting the things in our lives, the things that make us seem less then perfect - even if they aren't are fault - it hurts us and scares us." Sophie paused for a moment. "But you guys don't have to worry. Because why sometimes we all do things we regret that hurt other people, forgiveness and second chances do exist."
"Forgive others as you yourself have been forgiven." Daisy quoted.
"Forgiving people won't take away what they did to you, but it does open you up to no longer hating them and to not feel guilty about the way that you treat them. How hard is it to be mad at someone? How hard is it to not know how to treat them? Forgive them and let yourself off the hook, it does make life easier."
She paused letting her words sink into the group. Glancing at her watch she said, "We're going to end a few minutes early. If anyone needs to talk just come find me or one of the other counslors, we'll be around, ok?"
The group nodded and Sophie dismissed them.
Chapter 7: At Home
Peter sat down across from his brother. The two had decided to have lunch together. They hadn't talked much the night before after Mark got off the phone, but Peter had managed to catch him at breakfast and told him they should have lunch together.
"Ok, Peter," Mark said, "I can tell that there is more to this trip then what your telling me. I know you and I'm glad you came to visit, I know you wanted to, but there is an ulterior motive in there somewhere and I want to know what it is."
Peter looked up suprised. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the real reason that you came here Peter. I get paid to work with Peter that are wanting something from me and you do. I can tell. I'm gifted like that."
"Ok fine," Peter said sitting back in his chair, "I do want something from you. I was hoping it wasn't so obvious. I also came to see you to Mark. I don't want you to think I only showed to ask you for something." "I know Peter." Mark said sincerly. "So what is it?" "Well, a few months ago before all the hecticness with my students started, I decided I wanted to do something to honor dad. The money from his death bought back the school and because of some investments you helped me with, we were able to put the left over money to good use and make a profit." Mark smiled. "Now what I would like, is if you would, as the owner of dad's company decide to donate to the school. I want to start a scholarship program in dad's name. I'll use some of the money that we made on investments and are still making on investments, but I was hoping the business would back us and that you would join me in doing this for our father." Peter looked at his brother intently not at all sure what the man's response was going to be. "I don't know Peter. I mean the company is in a decent place right now, but we've been taking some risky investments lately, I'm not sure I want to push more of our money into investments." Peter was slightly taken aback. "But you can right it off in taxes later. I'm sure that donating would look good to the community as well." "Look Peter, I don't want to donate to the school. I've told you that before." "You won't even take it to the board?" "No, Peter, I won't. Horizon is your school. I've helped you make investments and I'll continue to do so, but my company and I will not donate to your cause." Mark stood and started to walk away. Peter stood up and went after him. "Why do I think this has more to do with the cause then the donation?" "I don't know what your talking about." Mark said coldly. Peter shook his head in disbelief. "You don't want to do this because it's for dad. Why don't you want to honor him? Don't you want to help create more of a legacy for him?" "I do that by running his business." Mark said. "No you don't." Peter responded. "Everyone at that company knows you pulled it back together not dad, so they consider it more your company. Sure most outsiders don't know but it's not the same. Come on Mark, this is a way to put dad's name on something good and profitable to the community. Share this with me." He pleaded. "No." Mark said and stepped past Peter. "Why not?" Mark turned on Peter. "Why not? Why not? Because Dad always loved you best, that's why. Do you really think that I want to do something to honor the man that always asked me to do more then he ever expected of you? He may have been our father Peter, but it doesn't mean I have to do something great to remember him." With that Mark walked away, leaving Peter wondering what to do.
Kat walked into the kitchen carrying her lunch dishes. Her parents were out and about somewhere and she had been hungry so she'd made herself lunch, watched some tv and now was going to clean up a bit. "You don't have to do that Kat." Her mother said walking in through the back door. She hurried over to her daughter and took the dishes from her and took them to the sink. Kat stared at her mother. "Mom, I can wash a few dishes, especially sense I'm the one who ate." "But we don't want you working why your here Katie." Her dad said entering the kitchen and closing the door behind him. Kat nodded not sure what to say. Finally she settled on, "Great. So do you guys want to watch a movie or something? Maybe we could decorate the tree some more or make cookies." Her mother and father exchanged a look. "Kat we normally do christmas simple." "Simple is having a tree." Kat said firmly. "And baking a few cookies. That is simple." Her parents exhanged another look and then her mother sighed and put on a smile. "Ok then, lets bake some cookies."
Kat nodded and went to the cubbard pulling out some aprons and handing one to her mom. "Dad, why don't you set up the base of the tree and we'll decorate it while the cookies are baking and then we can watch White Christmas like we always did." Her father nodded, swallowed hard and walked into the living room. Kat could tell she was making her parents sad by doing this Christmas stuff, but she wasn't going to let them ruin her Christmas with their grief. They needed to move on. They needed to have Christmas.
Chapter 8: Conflict Heading for an End
Spotting the somewhat tall brown haired boy, Daisy walked across the lounge and sat down across from David. "How are you doing?" David looked up suprised. "Hey Daisy." He said slightly nervously and gathering his bokos in his lap. "I was just headed to my dorm. I'm kind of tired. I wanted a nap." He started to stand, but Daisy blocked his path. "David is something wrong? You haven't been acting like yourself lately." "I'm fine." "You said during group you felt guilty, maybe that's why your acting like this." David laughed nervously. "Guilty me... what would I have to be guilty about... I mean I didn't do anything." "David, come on you can talk to me... is this about calling your dad... did he make you feel guilty about something?" David had had enough. "You know what Daisy, this isn's any of your business. It doesn't matter why I feel guilty or what my dad says to me... I don't need you getting into my business." With that he pushed past Daisy and left.
"You ok?" Ezra asked. He'd seen David and her exchange words and though feeling dejected, he was still her friend and he did care about her. "I don't know. Something is wrong with David." "Oh." Ezra said feeling like he'd been punched everything was about David. An idea sparked in Ezra's mind then. If everything was about David, then maybe all he needed to do was get closer to David to get closer to Daisy. But that would mean getting closer to David. Looking at the girl in front of him, he decided it was worth it. "Hey, how about I ask him for you? I mean I'll talk to him and see if I can find out what's wrong. Sometimes it's easier for guys to talk with guys." "You'd do that?" "Yea." "Why? I thought you didn't like David?" "He's growing on me. Besides I decided to turn over a new leaf." "Thank you Ezra. I really appreciate this." With that she smiles at him and then turns and heads away. Ezra smiles and watches her go. Score one for Friedkin, he thought to himself. I better go find David.
Kat stood across from her mom. The two were mixing up their third batch of cookies and her mom still hadn't loosened up. "So, is White Christmas still in with the other videos or did you guys pack it away?" Her mom looked up. "It should be with the others dear." Then went back to cooking. Taking a deep breath, Kat decided she had had enough. "Why are you being like this?" "Being like what?" "Like this." Kat said gesturing around. "You and Dad haven't done anything for Christmas at all sense I've been gone and every time I mention anything about Christmas you guys freak out on me. Can I remind you that you invited me home for Christmas. What did you expect me to do once I got here, sit around and be depressed for the holidays? Do you think that Shannon would have wanted that?" Her mom looked her right in the eyes. "No." "Then why are you being like this?" Her mom set her bowl down, wiped her hands on her apron and walked around to Kat. "Honey... the truth is... we celebrated Christmas all but that first year you were gone." "But you said... the boxes were covered with dust." "I know honey... it's just..." Her mom took a deep breath, "I know it might seem silly but, we didn't know how you would be. We didn't know if you would be sad on this holiday and miss her... you were depressed for a long time. Your father and I talked about it about how you might feel and then we wondered if you would be upset that we celebrated without you, so we pulled out some of the really old decorations today so the boxes would still have dust. We didn't want to lie to you, but we didn't want to hurt you either. We don't quite know how to act around you, it's different for us. Your in college now. Your growing up and we've missed being around you on a daily basis... just like we've missed having you here. We just weren't sure what to do." "Well," Kat said, "The one thing not to do, would be to lie. I want to have a good christmas with you guys it's why I came home and yes I'm sad that Shannon is no longer with us, but she shows up in our good times and in our memories. I want to remember her mom. I want to remember the family good times and yes it might be sad at times, but it's better then not remembering her at all, ok?" Her mom nodded and the two hugged. "Guess we should tell your father that you know." "I already heard." The two turned to see her father. "I'm sorry for lying Katie, it's just as your mom said, we didn't want to hurt you." "Well, thank you for trying, but I would rather you treat me the same as always then not, ok?" "Agreed." He said and her mother nodded. Then the three hugged.
Peter watched out the window as the taxi drove down the street. "Make a left." He said. The driver did and as the cab pulled up, he indicated where to stop. Seeing a figure in the distance, he got out of the cab. "I don't need you to wait." He said and stood there for a few minutes on the snow covered ground of the cemetary. Breathing in the cool air for a moment, he slowly begins to descend to his fathers grave stone. "Hey Mark." He said softly stopping a few feet behind the huddled form of his brother who was kneeling at the sight. Mark wiped at his eyes. "What are you doing here?" "I came to see dad." Mark shook his head. "Figures." Stepping forward, Peter put a hand on Mark's shoulder. "Our father loved you... I've told you that before." Mark shook his head, not looking up or away from the grave stone. "He loved me out of duty... he loved you as a son." "You were his son too." "He didn't see that." Mark flashed in anger. "Yes he did." Peter said. "He loved you in his own way, same as he loved me in his own way." Mark shook his head. "I want to beleive that." "Then believe it." Peter said kneeling beside his brother. "Because whether or not you accept it, Dad loved you, he loved all of us and he would want you to know that. He allowed you to work with him. He wanted that for you. He would be so proud of what you've done with the company Mark.... he would." "He didn't want me to have it, he left it to you." Mark said looking at his brother. "He knew I wouldn't leave Horizon to run it. He knew it would be sold or go to you... I believe he wanted it to go to you." Mark nods slightly. "Maybe." He shakes his head. "Our father was a real peice of work wasn't he?" "Sure was." Peter said his voice thick. The two stood up and both looked down at the grave site together. "Peter I'm not going to hold how I feel about dad against you. Scarbro industries will donate to the scholarship." "You serious?" Peter asked delighted. "That's not why I sais those things, our father really did love you." "I know you beleive that Peter. " Peter could tell it would take time for Mark to beleive. "Besides it's a good tax right off." Mark smiled a lopsided grin at him and Peter smiled back. The two hugged and then began to walk back.
Ezra walked across campus. He knew David had been using the punching bag lately when he was upset and decided to head to the shed to see what he could find out. Stopping outiside he took a deep breath preparing himself to enter, but before he could he heard David talking to himself. "Stupid David, Stupid Davey. Your father would get a real kick out of this wouldn't he." David punched the bag harder. "Damn old man. You think you can knock me around... think you can screw up my life, call me names and just keep me quiet." He hit the bag harder and harder as he continued. "Now you've gone and screwed up my relationship with the only person I ever actually considered a friend and was honest with. You ruined my chances with her. I'm sure your happy though. You never wanted me to have anything good ever. You just beat the hell out of me... your own son... you'd do that now because of the lying. I hate you dad. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...." David continued to scream it out punching the bag the heardest ever and then collapsed against it and sobbed. Hitting him... beating him....Ezra stood their shocked as to what he'd overheard. David had been physically abused by the general. He couldn't tell Daisy this. He needed to tell someone though or David could end up being hurt more. Unsure of what to do, Ezra turned and quietly walked away.
Juliette woke to the sound of the others getting dressed and ready for breakfast the next morning. She felt good. She wasn't sure why, but the sunlight was streaming in the window and she was actually hungry. Hungry - a feeling that only within the last few months was she beginning to identify. Deciding to go to breakfast she stood and headed towards the bathroom passing Daisy on the way there.
"Actually headed to breakfast this morning?" she asked.
"Yea," Juliette said with a sincere smile. "I'm hungry."
Daisy looked taken aback for a moment. "Good for you Jules." She said and then went on. "You want Shelby and I to wait on you?"
"No," Juliette said stopping and taking some cloths and things from her cubby, "I'm going to take a nice long shower."
"Alright. We'll see you at breakfast."
Juliette picked up her tray and headed over to join the cliffhangers at their usual table.
"So did you guys finish your assignment?" Scott asked.
"What's the assignment?" Juliette asked wanting to be on what was going on.
"It's this journaling thing." Ezra said. "It was assigned yesterday in group, when you weren't there."
"Why weren't you there?" David asked raising his eyebrows. "Auggie's not around... maybe it's when the cat's away the mouse will play?"
Shelby through David a dirty look as did everyone else at the table, but she spoke up, "David, Juliette isn't stupid enough to cheat on Auggie, not to mention that Princess doesn't have it in her."
"So why weren't you at group?" Scott asked, wanting to know. Even with everything else goin on around him, he had noticed Juliette absence lately.
"Well, um..." Juliette wasn't sure what to say, finally deciding on a semblance of truth she answered, "I didn't feel like going."
"How did that go over with Roger and Sophie?" Scott asked knowing that not wanting to go wasn't a good enough reason.
"Don't you know Scott?" Shelby asked, "Juliette's blackmailing them." Scott looked at Shelby in disbelief. "There is no other way that she could get away with all she's missed lately, yet she keeps doing it."
"I just...." Juliette didn't know what to say. "I'm not blackmailing them." She defended. "I just didn't want to go." Seeing that they are about to ask her more questiongs she stands, "I should really get back to the dorms, i have something to be working on." With that she made a quick exit.
"Maybe it's because Auggie's not in town?" Ezra suggested as they watched her go.
"Doubt that Ez," Daisy said, "Peter has never really approved of dating here, let alone love sick isolation. "
Juliette was headed back to the dorm when she realized that she didn't want to go there and be alone. She wanted to hang out with the others, but the more she tried the more they wanted to know why she wasn't around during everything. Sighing she stops and sits down on a bench by the gazebo.
"Feeling ok Juliette?"
She looked up and saw Roger standing above her. "Hey Roger."
"You feeling ok?" He asked again taking a seat next to her.
"Yes. I'm fine." She said not looking at him. Then deciding that she didn't want to keep how she felt to herself she turned to Roger, "No, I'm not fine, it's this stupid assignment that Peter gave me. Every time I try to hang out with the other cliffhangers after doing what I want, they try to force me to tell them why I'm not there. I've been evasive and all, but I don't like lying to them and Peter said I wasn't allowed to tell them about the assignment or it would end and I don't want that." She finished and then took a breath.
Roger took thought for amoment before speaking, "Why is it so important to you that this assignment not end? Maybe you should just tell them and go back to doing things by the rules."
"I'm not breaking any rules." Juliette said exasperated. "I'm just doing what I want... and I don't get to do what I want, not ever." For once she wasn't whining. "Everyone always expects me to do something, Juliette you need to lose weight, Juliette you need to be prettier, Juliette you need to attend class, Juliette quit acting like a princess, Juliette don't call your father." she swallowed hard, "For once, I just enjoy doing what I want to for a change. Even if the choice is only as much as going to group or not going to group. I get so sick of doing things for other people."
"Then why do you do it?" Roger asked. He could tell this was a new thing for Juliette. Declaring that she did what others wanted and not what she wanted. Maybe Peter's assignment would work out even better then they had all thought.
"Because if I didn't others would be mad at me." She looked down at her hands in her lap. "My mother would yell at me for not being who she wanted me to be. She'd force me to my room and not let me stay at the parties and events unless I did what she wanted. Even now, she's holding my father over my head, by not letting me contact him. I just want to make her happy, but nothing I do does that." She looked over at Roger, tears in her eyes, "Why am I not good enough for her?"
It was a long moment, before Roger responded, "Juliette, you are good enough for her. Your mother's expectations are far to high, no one could live up to them. It's not fair of her... it's abusive to you, for her to expect those things of you and to demand that you do something you are not physically capable of. Juliette you were never meant to be under a hundred pounds, not at your height. You were never meant to be perfect or to have the best grades. Normal, reasonable expectations are that you do the best that you can and you work hard, and that's it. Anything above that, is far to great of a demand."
Juliette huffed in disbelief. "So I'm good enough and she's just demanding?"
"Yea." Roger answered so simply that she was taken aback and was almost convinced. Roger seeing the connection about to be made said, "She is the one wrong here Juliette. Not you. She's too demanding."
Juliette shook her head slightly. No, it was easier to beleive that she wasn't good enough. Because if not, then her mother just couldn't love her the way she was. It had to be her fault.
"Why don't you journal on it?" Roger said. "And I'll check back on you later today?"
"Everyone tells me to do that." She said with a slight smile.
"Well don't do it because I tell you to, do it because you want to." Roger said standing up. "I'll see you later. If you need me don't hesitate to ask, alright?" Juliette nodded and watched him walk away.
Do it because she wanted to? That's what he had said. Like she was going to journal just because she wanted to. Not that it had been such a bad thing. She'd really enjoyed it the last few days, especially sense the others weren't really around because she didn't have to go to class. So what was the point of this assignment, Peter, she asked herself. Standing up, she wasn't at all sure.
"Ok guys," Sophie said standing in front of the group. It was shortly after breakfast and they were having group. "Juliette isn't coming today and Eric's still sick, so why don't we get started. Yesterday I had you all say how you felt and journal on it, not I want to tell me how you feel after journaling and if it made any difference in how you felt. We'll start with Scott."
"Well, um," Scott couldn't believe she'd picked him to go first he hated doing this, not that it was so bad, it was just hard. "Well, um, I yesterday felt Undecided, cause I can't decide if I want to give my dad another chance or not. I journaled on it, but I still don't know. He was such a jerk about the whole thing and I called him and it went ok, but it doesn't necessarily change anything."
Sophie nodded, "Shelby?"
"Torn." She said glancing sideways at Scott, they were both experience sort of the same thing. "I'm trying to decide if I should tell my sister more about what happened with our dad. She's in counseling and the counselor thinks it's good for her to talk to me about the suicide, but I just... I don't know. There are things she doesn't know and they could hurt her. She's my younger sister I want to protect her."
Sophie looked to David who turned away. "David." She said with slight warning in her voice.
David groaned inwardly, he knew he would get in trouble if he was smart about it, sense when had that mattered though, maybe sense he hooked up with Daisy. When had they hooked up though? He couldn't go back to being such a jerk though, if he did, he's really hate him, not that she wasn't going to hate him anyway, after finding out he lied to her. He looked at Daisy, who looked at him confused. "I felt guilty. And journaling didn't help. I still feel guilty." He said dropping his head to look at his feet.
"Dejected." Ezra said volunteering, before Sophie got to him. "And it didn't help me either. "
"Daisy?" Sophie asked letting the two boys slide on their responses.
"I was confused and I'm still confused, but journaling did help me to sort out my thoughts."
Sophie nodded. "Ok. Do you guys want to talk about these things? I know some of you want to deal with them one on one with Peter or I and that's ok, but you guys are a group and some of you may be able to offer advice to each other."
"Well," Daisy said after a moment, feeling kind of bad for Sophie with the guys short responses, "I think sometimes it can be good to give people a second chance. Yes people screw up and do horrible things, but that doesn't mean forgiveness can't be given."
"Even if the person hurts you really badly?" Scott asked.
"Well, my dad hurt me really badly and I forgave him." Daisy said. "But he didn't do some of the things that happened to you... it would be different for me, to try to forgive him... if he had done something sexual."
"My dad didn't do anything sexual... I mean in a way he did... he overlooked it going on... that's pretty bad, but he wasn't there for me.... I think that hurts more. He overlooked what happened, it's like he didn't care. I'm his only son, I thought I meant more to him then that."
"My mom did the same thing Scott." Shelby said. "When I went home last year, she said it didn't happen, I walked into her room one night after finding out that he'd been raping Jess too and I spoke to her."
Memories assaulted Shelby's mind. 'He left this bed, every night, every night. he came to my room, to Jess' room. You knew... you had to know'.
"And so I told her, about how she'd have had to know that he was leaving her bed every night and coming into our rooms and doing that to us. And she said I was a liar and that she told the social worker that I was a liar - she asked when i was going to quit hiding from my problems." She shook her head. "Later after the cops showed up when they threatened to take Jess and I out of the home, she admitted that she knew. I said, 'I thought you said you didn't know' her response was 'I didn't want to know'." Shleby looked at Scott. "They don't want to know. Your father doesn't want to know because it means he let you down, it means his wife betrayed him."
"So it's ok for him to betray me?" Scott asked angrily.
"No!" Shelby said. "But... he was hurt to. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it right what Walt did to me or what my father did to me, but.... things happen Scott and it's wrong, but when he is willing to admit this happened to him...." She stopped trying to think of another way to explain it. "Scott do you remember what it was like when nobody knew? Do you know how hard it was to carry that around? Do you remember the only thing worse then being found out was the feeling that if it was admitted then it meant it had actually happened and that someone had done this to you and then that people would say it was your fault?" Scott nodded. "Your dad feels that way right now... only in his case, he's partially responsible for it. No he didn't take part in the act, but he did let it happen and he can't live with that, so it's easier, though cowardly to make it more your fault then his."
Scott shook his head slightly still not wanting to let his dad off the hook. "I guess."
"He feels guilty Scott." Daisy said.
"And he should." Scott shot back.
"Yea," David said joining the conversation. "Cause he did something stupid."
"You guys, guilt will make people do crazy things. No one wants to admit something that they are ashamed of. All of you, everyone, tries to avoid being seen as weak, insuffiecient, incompatant, dumb, imperfect. We all want to be seen as capable put together people and admitting the things in our lives, the things that make us seem less then perfect - even if they aren't are fault - it hurts us and scares us." Sophie paused for a moment. "But you guys don't have to worry. Because why sometimes we all do things we regret that hurt other people, forgiveness and second chances do exist."
"Forgive others as you yourself have been forgiven." Daisy quoted.
"Forgiving people won't take away what they did to you, but it does open you up to no longer hating them and to not feel guilty about the way that you treat them. How hard is it to be mad at someone? How hard is it to not know how to treat them? Forgive them and let yourself off the hook, it does make life easier."
She paused letting her words sink into the group. Glancing at her watch she said, "We're going to end a few minutes early. If anyone needs to talk just come find me or one of the other counslors, we'll be around, ok?"
The group nodded and Sophie dismissed them.
Chapter 7: At Home
Peter sat down across from his brother. The two had decided to have lunch together. They hadn't talked much the night before after Mark got off the phone, but Peter had managed to catch him at breakfast and told him they should have lunch together.
"Ok, Peter," Mark said, "I can tell that there is more to this trip then what your telling me. I know you and I'm glad you came to visit, I know you wanted to, but there is an ulterior motive in there somewhere and I want to know what it is."
Peter looked up suprised. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the real reason that you came here Peter. I get paid to work with Peter that are wanting something from me and you do. I can tell. I'm gifted like that."
"Ok fine," Peter said sitting back in his chair, "I do want something from you. I was hoping it wasn't so obvious. I also came to see you to Mark. I don't want you to think I only showed to ask you for something." "I know Peter." Mark said sincerly. "So what is it?" "Well, a few months ago before all the hecticness with my students started, I decided I wanted to do something to honor dad. The money from his death bought back the school and because of some investments you helped me with, we were able to put the left over money to good use and make a profit." Mark smiled. "Now what I would like, is if you would, as the owner of dad's company decide to donate to the school. I want to start a scholarship program in dad's name. I'll use some of the money that we made on investments and are still making on investments, but I was hoping the business would back us and that you would join me in doing this for our father." Peter looked at his brother intently not at all sure what the man's response was going to be. "I don't know Peter. I mean the company is in a decent place right now, but we've been taking some risky investments lately, I'm not sure I want to push more of our money into investments." Peter was slightly taken aback. "But you can right it off in taxes later. I'm sure that donating would look good to the community as well." "Look Peter, I don't want to donate to the school. I've told you that before." "You won't even take it to the board?" "No, Peter, I won't. Horizon is your school. I've helped you make investments and I'll continue to do so, but my company and I will not donate to your cause." Mark stood and started to walk away. Peter stood up and went after him. "Why do I think this has more to do with the cause then the donation?" "I don't know what your talking about." Mark said coldly. Peter shook his head in disbelief. "You don't want to do this because it's for dad. Why don't you want to honor him? Don't you want to help create more of a legacy for him?" "I do that by running his business." Mark said. "No you don't." Peter responded. "Everyone at that company knows you pulled it back together not dad, so they consider it more your company. Sure most outsiders don't know but it's not the same. Come on Mark, this is a way to put dad's name on something good and profitable to the community. Share this with me." He pleaded. "No." Mark said and stepped past Peter. "Why not?" Mark turned on Peter. "Why not? Why not? Because Dad always loved you best, that's why. Do you really think that I want to do something to honor the man that always asked me to do more then he ever expected of you? He may have been our father Peter, but it doesn't mean I have to do something great to remember him." With that Mark walked away, leaving Peter wondering what to do.
Kat walked into the kitchen carrying her lunch dishes. Her parents were out and about somewhere and she had been hungry so she'd made herself lunch, watched some tv and now was going to clean up a bit. "You don't have to do that Kat." Her mother said walking in through the back door. She hurried over to her daughter and took the dishes from her and took them to the sink. Kat stared at her mother. "Mom, I can wash a few dishes, especially sense I'm the one who ate." "But we don't want you working why your here Katie." Her dad said entering the kitchen and closing the door behind him. Kat nodded not sure what to say. Finally she settled on, "Great. So do you guys want to watch a movie or something? Maybe we could decorate the tree some more or make cookies." Her mother and father exchanged a look. "Kat we normally do christmas simple." "Simple is having a tree." Kat said firmly. "And baking a few cookies. That is simple." Her parents exhanged another look and then her mother sighed and put on a smile. "Ok then, lets bake some cookies."
Kat nodded and went to the cubbard pulling out some aprons and handing one to her mom. "Dad, why don't you set up the base of the tree and we'll decorate it while the cookies are baking and then we can watch White Christmas like we always did." Her father nodded, swallowed hard and walked into the living room. Kat could tell she was making her parents sad by doing this Christmas stuff, but she wasn't going to let them ruin her Christmas with their grief. They needed to move on. They needed to have Christmas.
Chapter 8: Conflict Heading for an End
Spotting the somewhat tall brown haired boy, Daisy walked across the lounge and sat down across from David. "How are you doing?" David looked up suprised. "Hey Daisy." He said slightly nervously and gathering his bokos in his lap. "I was just headed to my dorm. I'm kind of tired. I wanted a nap." He started to stand, but Daisy blocked his path. "David is something wrong? You haven't been acting like yourself lately." "I'm fine." "You said during group you felt guilty, maybe that's why your acting like this." David laughed nervously. "Guilty me... what would I have to be guilty about... I mean I didn't do anything." "David, come on you can talk to me... is this about calling your dad... did he make you feel guilty about something?" David had had enough. "You know what Daisy, this isn's any of your business. It doesn't matter why I feel guilty or what my dad says to me... I don't need you getting into my business." With that he pushed past Daisy and left.
"You ok?" Ezra asked. He'd seen David and her exchange words and though feeling dejected, he was still her friend and he did care about her. "I don't know. Something is wrong with David." "Oh." Ezra said feeling like he'd been punched everything was about David. An idea sparked in Ezra's mind then. If everything was about David, then maybe all he needed to do was get closer to David to get closer to Daisy. But that would mean getting closer to David. Looking at the girl in front of him, he decided it was worth it. "Hey, how about I ask him for you? I mean I'll talk to him and see if I can find out what's wrong. Sometimes it's easier for guys to talk with guys." "You'd do that?" "Yea." "Why? I thought you didn't like David?" "He's growing on me. Besides I decided to turn over a new leaf." "Thank you Ezra. I really appreciate this." With that she smiles at him and then turns and heads away. Ezra smiles and watches her go. Score one for Friedkin, he thought to himself. I better go find David.
Kat stood across from her mom. The two were mixing up their third batch of cookies and her mom still hadn't loosened up. "So, is White Christmas still in with the other videos or did you guys pack it away?" Her mom looked up. "It should be with the others dear." Then went back to cooking. Taking a deep breath, Kat decided she had had enough. "Why are you being like this?" "Being like what?" "Like this." Kat said gesturing around. "You and Dad haven't done anything for Christmas at all sense I've been gone and every time I mention anything about Christmas you guys freak out on me. Can I remind you that you invited me home for Christmas. What did you expect me to do once I got here, sit around and be depressed for the holidays? Do you think that Shannon would have wanted that?" Her mom looked her right in the eyes. "No." "Then why are you being like this?" Her mom set her bowl down, wiped her hands on her apron and walked around to Kat. "Honey... the truth is... we celebrated Christmas all but that first year you were gone." "But you said... the boxes were covered with dust." "I know honey... it's just..." Her mom took a deep breath, "I know it might seem silly but, we didn't know how you would be. We didn't know if you would be sad on this holiday and miss her... you were depressed for a long time. Your father and I talked about it about how you might feel and then we wondered if you would be upset that we celebrated without you, so we pulled out some of the really old decorations today so the boxes would still have dust. We didn't want to lie to you, but we didn't want to hurt you either. We don't quite know how to act around you, it's different for us. Your in college now. Your growing up and we've missed being around you on a daily basis... just like we've missed having you here. We just weren't sure what to do." "Well," Kat said, "The one thing not to do, would be to lie. I want to have a good christmas with you guys it's why I came home and yes I'm sad that Shannon is no longer with us, but she shows up in our good times and in our memories. I want to remember her mom. I want to remember the family good times and yes it might be sad at times, but it's better then not remembering her at all, ok?" Her mom nodded and the two hugged. "Guess we should tell your father that you know." "I already heard." The two turned to see her father. "I'm sorry for lying Katie, it's just as your mom said, we didn't want to hurt you." "Well, thank you for trying, but I would rather you treat me the same as always then not, ok?" "Agreed." He said and her mother nodded. Then the three hugged.
Peter watched out the window as the taxi drove down the street. "Make a left." He said. The driver did and as the cab pulled up, he indicated where to stop. Seeing a figure in the distance, he got out of the cab. "I don't need you to wait." He said and stood there for a few minutes on the snow covered ground of the cemetary. Breathing in the cool air for a moment, he slowly begins to descend to his fathers grave stone. "Hey Mark." He said softly stopping a few feet behind the huddled form of his brother who was kneeling at the sight. Mark wiped at his eyes. "What are you doing here?" "I came to see dad." Mark shook his head. "Figures." Stepping forward, Peter put a hand on Mark's shoulder. "Our father loved you... I've told you that before." Mark shook his head, not looking up or away from the grave stone. "He loved me out of duty... he loved you as a son." "You were his son too." "He didn't see that." Mark flashed in anger. "Yes he did." Peter said. "He loved you in his own way, same as he loved me in his own way." Mark shook his head. "I want to beleive that." "Then believe it." Peter said kneeling beside his brother. "Because whether or not you accept it, Dad loved you, he loved all of us and he would want you to know that. He allowed you to work with him. He wanted that for you. He would be so proud of what you've done with the company Mark.... he would." "He didn't want me to have it, he left it to you." Mark said looking at his brother. "He knew I wouldn't leave Horizon to run it. He knew it would be sold or go to you... I believe he wanted it to go to you." Mark nods slightly. "Maybe." He shakes his head. "Our father was a real peice of work wasn't he?" "Sure was." Peter said his voice thick. The two stood up and both looked down at the grave site together. "Peter I'm not going to hold how I feel about dad against you. Scarbro industries will donate to the scholarship." "You serious?" Peter asked delighted. "That's not why I sais those things, our father really did love you." "I know you beleive that Peter. " Peter could tell it would take time for Mark to beleive. "Besides it's a good tax right off." Mark smiled a lopsided grin at him and Peter smiled back. The two hugged and then began to walk back.
Ezra walked across campus. He knew David had been using the punching bag lately when he was upset and decided to head to the shed to see what he could find out. Stopping outiside he took a deep breath preparing himself to enter, but before he could he heard David talking to himself. "Stupid David, Stupid Davey. Your father would get a real kick out of this wouldn't he." David punched the bag harder. "Damn old man. You think you can knock me around... think you can screw up my life, call me names and just keep me quiet." He hit the bag harder and harder as he continued. "Now you've gone and screwed up my relationship with the only person I ever actually considered a friend and was honest with. You ruined my chances with her. I'm sure your happy though. You never wanted me to have anything good ever. You just beat the hell out of me... your own son... you'd do that now because of the lying. I hate you dad. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...." David continued to scream it out punching the bag the heardest ever and then collapsed against it and sobbed. Hitting him... beating him....Ezra stood their shocked as to what he'd overheard. David had been physically abused by the general. He couldn't tell Daisy this. He needed to tell someone though or David could end up being hurt more. Unsure of what to do, Ezra turned and quietly walked away.
