Because You've Read Howl 40 Times

Chapter 3 – Hold me when I'm here

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with GG, or any books or movies. The song is "When I'm Gone," by Three Doors Down.

A/N: Wow! Another chapter! I can't believe it either. lol. I'm really sorry this has taken SO long!! I just had no idea what to write next. This is almost definitely the last chapter though. Thanks for the reviews! Especially to Ilovejess – Thank you for the incredible review! I've never gotten one that long, and I really appreciate everything you said! I'm glad you like this, and I completely agree with you about Jess. Thank you so much! BTW, this is another Jess POV. If there's another chapter, it'll be Rory's. Hope you like this!  ~Arianna

Things were still great with me and Rory. I was happier than I'd been in a long time. People in town were starting to get used to it too, but I still occasionally caught dark looks from Lorelai. It was all more than worth it, but they made me think.

[flashback]

I couldn't believe what I'd done. I never meant to hurt her. I wished it had been me to break my wrist. And now I felt like crying, more than I would if it had been me who was hurt.

I was back in New York. And when my mom sent me to Stars Hollow, I hadn't wanted to leave. But that was before I met Rory. And when I got there I realized what kind of life I had. Rory wanted Harvard. She was gonna be a journalist. I didn't want anything like that. School? I read constantly. That was enough.

I didn't want anyone in Stars Hollow to know the way I used to act. Because news travels fast in that town, and Rory listens.

There's another world inside of me

That you may never see

There's secrets in this life

That I can't hide.

And then Rory came to see me, just because I didn't say goodbye. It made me sort of glad I hadn't. And it made me realize that even though she was with Dean, I missed her. And I wanted to go back, before…anything could happen. I knew from experience that a lot of things could.

Somewhere in the darkness

There's a light that I can't find

Maybe it's too far away…

Maybe I'm just blind.

Maybe I'm just blind…

[end flashback]

Rory's going to college, Ivy League college. Harvard or Yale. And Yale's close to Stars Hollow—22.8 miles away. But I know she's always dreamed of going to Harvard. If she wants to, that's really okay. I almost completely screwed up my life. Then I met Rory. I don't really know what I'm going to do yet. Ivy League's totally out of the question. Four-year college is…still a possibility. Now.

I'm glad Rory's going to college. It means…I want her to know, while she's here…how much I care about her. That I—that I love her. This is so selfish, but it is still me, after all—I don't want her to think about finding another guy in college. I'll wait. See her on weekends. Help her with her homework? You know. Whatever.

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And love me when I'm gone.

I don't know how to say this. It's not that I want her to say she loves me; not at all that I want to make her think she has to. But I want to tell her that I do. And aren't we a lot alike? Sort of…

I know I'm not gonna change in four years, not really. I remember Rory yelling at me, when I got the whole town down on Luke. And I was kind of sorry. I hadn't really known. I fixed the toaster, smiled at her, and she smiled back. I'm not that completely, incredibly different than I used to be Different, yeah, but not altogether different. Better, maybe. Everyone in Stars Hollow probably knows why. Even Lorelai does. And I think she's starting to hate me less. Maybe starting to see that I would do anything for Rory…

Everything I am

And everything you need

I'll also be the one

You wanted me to be.

I still can't stand Stars Hollow High. It's almost intolerable now. Note the 'almost.' But okay—if I try enough to actually do the work, it's really easy. I figure it goes like this: I have to graduate to stay with Luke. I have to stay with Luke to stay in Stars Hollow. I have to stay in Stars Hollow to be with Rory. Not what I would choose, but that's the way it is. And I'm used to that. Easy enough to understand. The enjoyment of cutting school, easy as that is, isn't worth what I'll lose. Taking twenty minutes out of my afternoon—it's worth it. Rory's worth it.

I'll never let you down

Even if I could

I'd give up everything

If only for your good.

I don't miss New York. I am gonna miss Rory. When she leaves. If she leaves. I hope she doesn't. I mean, yeah, by the time she does, I might just be a normal citizen. Not Luke's normal, and definitely not Taylor's. Ever. But most other people's? Maybe. Possibly.

I'm glad I stole her book when I met her—I mean, I'm glad I borrowed it. I'm glad I went to the Bid-A-Basket festival. Some Stars Hollow traditions are okay. Sometimes.

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

I admit…Rory is…I'm not good enough for her. Not really. And no grade is gonna change that. Rory Gilmore deserves someone who has a good job and can tell her what they think Ivy League is like. I love to read, but that's not enough; not for this.

[next day]

I'm at the bridge with Rory, and we're sitting there, close together.

"I love it here," she says.

"So do I," I agree. Rory rests her head on my shoulder; then looks up.

"Remember the first time we came here?" she asks.

"Of course." I know we're both thinking about coming here with Rory's basket, arguing about Ayn Rand…

"Jess?"

I tighten my arm around her. "Yeah?"

"I got my college applications the other day," Rory says softly.

"Great," I answer, trying to hide what I'm feeling, even though I know I really can't. Not from Rory. "Do you know where you want to go yet?"

She shakes her head. "Not really. I mean, Yale's closer…"

"Yeah."

"Jess?" she repeats.

"What is it?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," I say, hesitantly.

Rory waits a minute. "What's wrong?"

I knew she knew. "It's nothing," I tell her. "Just…when you go to college…" I'm trying to say that I'm not good enough for her, but I can't do it.

"I'll be home every weekend," Rory promises. "All the time, wherever I go. Unless…" I know exactly what she's thinking.

"No," I tell her firmly. I can't say anything else.

Rory leans on me. "I love you, Jess." I know Rory pretty well…really well. But I didn't expect that.

"I love you, Rory." It's been true for a long time. I kiss her; she kisses me back.

You can hold me when I'm scared You won't always be there

So love me when I 'm gone.

I know Rory means it, because Rory doesn't lie. I remember when I went over to her house with that care package, pretending it was from Luke. And when Dean came over, I asked her if she really wanted me to go. She didn't say yes. She said she wanted to avoid a fight with Dean. I knew, as Rory knew—there's a difference. I liked that.

So she really loves me. And of course I really love her.

I'm applying to four-year college.

I know Rory will come back every weekend. Lorelai will make her. Maybe Lorelai will tolerate me.

And of course I'll come back too. I have to be there, when Rory's there. I did get used to Stars Hollow, after a while.

I have to tell her what classes I'm taking.

Love me when I'm gone…