Chapter Fifteen

Spring's End

It would be years later that Remus would remember the events after that horrific battle. Charles did not make it much longer after Remus had resolved to stand up and fight beside his friends. The funeral was a long and bleak one, and Remus wasn't the least bit disturbed that the details of that dark day remained fuzzy in his memory.

What did remain as clear as crystal was that summer. The summer that changed everything. It was the beginning of June that Alpha got the word from D Two, and Remus knew that his time to act was upon him. Beta remained indifferent around him when she appeared briefly at times; Alpha kept her "busy" doing other things when Remus would ask where she was. Churo resolved himself to help Alpha prepare for the upcoming brawl while Remus stood in the background, silently noting everything.

Remus didn't chance meeting with Dumbledore during this time so as not to run the risk of being caught. While he felt guilty about leaving the Order in the dark about what he was doing, he knew that there was no other way.

"Are you ready for this?" Beta asked Remus the night before the full moon. Her voice was indifferent but her eyes gave away her concern.

"Not like I have much choice," he said, standing outside under the stars. The moon was hidden by some clouds and Remus could feel rain lingering in the air.

Beta was silent a moment, then she moved in front of him to look him square in the eyes. "But, you do have choice."

Remus resisted the urge to pull back the lock of hair that had fallen onto the bridge of her nose. Instead, he looked at her, mildly surprised.

"You don't have to do this," she whispered. "You can just walk away. You're still the Rogue, disconnected from the Pack. You have the ability to disappear. There's nothing to keep you here when you know you wish to be among your friends."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "What makes you think I could just walk away? I've become involved, and the others are depending on me to make things right. I can't leave you."

Beta's eyes slowly went wide and Remus took her hand in his.

"Don't" she started to say, tugging slightly from his grip.

"Why?"

"Because because it only makes it harder."

Remus held her hand firmly, not yielding. "Harder to what?"

"To let you go," she said faintly. The change in her voice made Remus look at her, slightly worried.

"Who said I was going to leave you?" he said simply.

At that, a single tear ran down her left cheek, and Remus used his free hand to wipe it away. Beta opened her mouth to say something more before a rustle from the Den's entrance alerted them. Hastily, Remus dropped her hand and Beta jumped back at least a foot before a small shadow appeared where the sound came from. Churo had come looking for them.

"Epson wishes everyone's presence," Churo said. He eyed the two of them carefully and looked behind him before speaking again with a wink. "Young alphas should learn the art of rallying war."

Remus colored a little, making Churo laugh.

"I have faith in you. No doubt in the future we'll have little pups running around with Beta's smart smirk and your blushing complexion! Our Pack will be the strongest, and we will survive with your reign, Alpha."

"I'm not alpha, yet," Remus said sternly. He stole a glance at Beta and did a double take to see she was blushing furiously. Remus' heart was pumping so fast he was certain that if he were to face that other pack right then he would pass out and therefore be entirely useless as a leader.

Churo started to walk back to the Den and Remus followed, sensing Beta close behind him. When they reached the control center, the whole Pack was waiting. Ice was standing in a corner with her arms crossed, looking indifferent if not intense. Thistle was sitting with Lori, her long pale hair braided with ribbon. Alpha and Puck stood up as Remus, Churo, and Beta entered the room.

"If it's alright with you," Alpha said directly to Remus, who took a seat next to Thistle. "We're ready to start."

Puck's face broke out with a sneer as Alpha gave Remus a sarcastic look. When he didn't respond, Alpha looked at Beta, who nodded back.

"As all of you know, tomorrow is the night of the full moon. Our official brawl with the pack D Two will take place on the moor that lies on our border. All of you will wait for my signal, then make sure you take down all the males. The alpha female of their pack has a young child, and according to our laws the young will be restricted to the back of the pack and away from the fighting. Beta's job will be to take their alpha female out; All other females however, are to be taken alive. Churo, Puck, and –" he looked pointedly at Remus. "Rogue, you three will take out the males. I will deal with the alpha."

Thistle let out a snort. "What happened to your order that all of us females get pregnant as soon as possible?"

Churo gave Alpha an ugly look as Alpha looked at Thistle and searched for an answer.

"That is what Puck and Rogue are for," he said resolutely.

Remus and Puck looked at each other, for once with mutual expressions of shock. All of the women in the room blushed a deep crimson, although Ice quickly composed herself and gave Alpha her characteristic cold stare.

"No offense to certain individuals," she glanced quickly at Remus before approaching Alpha with a dangerous air. "But I prefer a man with more experience under all the fur in my bed."

Thistle and Churo laughed, Lori looked overwhelmed, and Beta was giving Alpha just as dangerous an expression as Ice was. Puck looked insulted slightly, puffing out his chest like a pouting peacock and glaring at Ice with an indignant expression.

"What you do before you kill your prize is your business, Ice," Alpha said sternly, staring at her squarely.

Ice gave no indication of reacting to that statement, although Remus was sure he saw her cheeks color again before skulking back to the corner she had occupied before. Alpha kept his eyes on her for a moment more before looking at the others again.

"Make sure all of you are here and ready to go before sunset tomorrow. We will move closer to the moor before the time comes to transform."

Remus did not sleep more than two hours that night, and when the day came he spent the majority of it pacing around his small cabin. Beta wisely stayed away, most likely conferring with Alpha exactly how the Brawl would be executed. No doubt she was noting everything that could possibly help Remus when the moment came for him to strike against Alpha. Just before he had left for home the previous evening, she told him that once Alpha issues orders for where each member would be placed around him on the moor, Remus should make his move. He recalled over and over again all the advice and what little training Churo provided him up to this point. They hoped that Alpha would be subdued before D Two arrived, that way Remus could try to make a truce with that pack without having to execute the Brawl.

If I can get through to my Pack, Remus thought. Then I just may be able to sway the werewolves to help the Order. For once, I think I can pull this off for real.

There was another thought, however, that kept bubbling to the surface of his mind more so than his job for the Order. The fact that if he became Alpha, Beta could, in all respects, become more than just a pack member.

He kept pushing that thought aside, for it tended to bring up other varying thoughts that conflicted with his concentration on overcoming Alpha first. Churo, however, had also mentioned that after Remus is proclaimed Alpha, he must then choose his mate. How exactly Beta would feel about that, Remus wasn't sure.

Time slipped by quickly, and before long Remus was walking with the Pack just before sunset toward the moor. He had told James, Sirius, Lily, and Peter that he was fine alone, and Dumbledore made certain that they wouldn't follow him. How exactly, Remus would never know.

Beta kept glancing back at Remus, who followed behind everyone as was proper for his rank in the Pack. Remus tried to discourage her from doing so with his eyes and Churo finally managed to distract her. There was enough on Remus' mind, as he looked carefully around him, for him to worry about where Beta would be when his confrontation with Alpha finally took place.

When the sun slipped over the horizon, the yelps of pain and sounds of ripping fabric filled the night as all eight of them transformed into their canine personas. Remus felt his human awareness slip away, replaced by the instinctual and primitive mind of the werewolf. The rogue stretched his claws and threw back his head as he joined his pack in their first howl of the evening. All of them still knew the significance of that evening, and each member slipped into place behind the alpha.

The alpha female looked back at each of the members, all of them tensed and expectant. Quietly, the rogue knew that his moment had come, and began to move closer to the front of the Pack. The alpha was busy sniffing the air, preparing to move on. All of the others did not move as the rogue moved past them, silent as a shadow. It was when he drew level with the alpha female that the alpha knew something was not right. His hackles raised, he turned quickly to face the rogue. The rogue bore his teeth and moved to square the alpha. The rest of the Pack drew back, making a circle.

I challenge you! The rogue barked.

The alpha drew back his lips into a menacing grin.

You are a fool, Rouge! You dare challenge me?

The rogue dug his claws into the dirt, a low growl emitting from his throat.

I challenge you! It is law to concur!

The alpha quickly lost his amusement and barked in outrage. Both werewolves were in the fighting stance, tails cocked between their hind legs. The rest of the pack circled intently around them, the alpha female looking intently at the rogue.

Then you shall die! The alpha leapt.

Like lightning, the rogue moved to the side. The alpha was larger and bulkier, but that gave the rogue the advantage. His light weight and smaller size allowed him to dodge the alpha's charges. He ducked to the side and rammed the alpha in the side, grabbing his throat and digging his teeth through the skin. The alpha bucked and tossed the rogue onto his back, leaping on top of him and violently grabbing the place where the rogue's jugular was, shaking him wildly. The rogue kicked him with his hind paws, sending the alpha stumbling to the side, allowing him to be attacked in the face. Scratching and biting randomly, the rogue panted and snarled as he leapt again onto the alpha's back.

A strong breeze rippled the fur on each member of the pack, and yet not any of them moved. Their eyes were locked on the two males. The oldest werewolf kept glancing back at the only other male, smaller than the alpha and the rogue. His eyes were looking at the rogue with malice, his claws digging deeper and deeper into the ground.

For an hour, the two werewolves fought heedlessly, neither giving in to the other. Their fur was matted with blood, the rogue favoring his right leg and the alpha was bleeding freely from his neck. They leapt back and began to circle each other, trying to gather more strength. The rogue looked at the alpha female.

She's mine! The alpha let out a snarl.

I will not loose. The rogue crouched down and prepared to leap.

You're dead! They both charged each other.

Suddenly, a howl pierced the darkness, making the whole pack freeze. The alpha and the rogue stopped short of colliding with each other, ears pricked forward, panting hard and still staring at the other with hatred. Another howl, closer than before, made each pack member look to the south. That was when the other male made his own move.

Mine!

The rogue was knocked to the side, the smaller male using his momentum to plow through the fighters. The alpha leapt back before the smaller contender could make contact. In the confusion, the rest of the pack moved forward just as eleven shapes materialized in between the surrounding trees.

A third, long howl, and suddenly the eleven shapes became eleven large werewolves. The other pack had arrived for the Brawl.

The alpha was suddenly overtaken by the largest of the males from the opposing pack. All of the females began to take on each other. The rogue, feeling a sense that what was happening should not happen, leapt into the fray, finding the alpha of his pack quickly loosing to the opposing alpha. Without warning, the young male that had interrupted the rogue's fight with their alpha attacked him again. Easily, the rogue managed to shake him off, and the male was tossed into the scuffle between the elder and one of the males from the other pack. The rogue found the alpha female, locked onto the neck of the other pack's lead female. There was a tiny, hardly audible bark, and a small shape came streaming from the wooded area toward them. Surprised, all of the fighters paused momentarily to see a young male pup clawing vigorously at the rogue's pack member.

The opposing alpha female took the momentary pause to leap onto the other, knocking her onto her side. With a bellowing snarl, the rogue plowed into the attacking female. The pup was thrown aside, and one of its pack members disengaged from the fighting to herd it away. It was enough time for the rogue's alpha female to get up and make a last stand against her opponent. The rogue stood to the side, watching momentarily as the life was wrenched from the other pack's alpha female.

Then, without warning, the sky exploded with light. Each werewolf still standing froze, tense and bloodstained. The rogue looked toward the direction where the opposing pack had came from. Several dark shapes again loomed in the distance there, although they were not werewolves.

Men! The rogue's eldest pack member let out a sharp bark.

The rogue sniffed the air. These men were not normal men, or at least they did not carry a scent he recognized. They did not carry the scent of fear, but instead, of malice.

Suddenly, the night exploded with more light. The opposing pack continued their attack. The alpha of the rogue's pack was loosing a lot of blood. Light kept shooting from the men toward him. The young male that had challenged the rogue and alpha in their battle was hit in the face with what seemed like lightning. He ran off into the woods, crying, and disappeared. Two of the females from the rogue's pack went down. All of the females left standing either ran into the shelter of the woods or did not move at all. The rogue went to the alpha female of his pack. She looked at him, her eyes wild, and he scented fear coming from her.

Then one of the men came forward, cloaked in shadow. The rogue looked quickly at the alpha of his pack. He was not moving, the opposing alpha standing triumphantly over his enemy. All of the lightning moved past him, and he was without fear. There was no time to challenge him. The rogue looked back at the man, who was now so close, he could sense what all werewolves feared above all else.

Silver. The man had a silver pistol with silver bullets, and it was aimed directly at the rogue's heart.

"You think I can't pick you out?"

Memory stirred in the rogue. He shook his head in confusion.

"You're not so dumb in this state, are you? You know me."

The rogue took a few steps back; His alpha female began to shake. For once, fear had struck her dumb. Anger also held her there, the rogue felt it.

"What a pretty catch you got there. She yours?"

Strange memories flooded the rogue's mind. Why did this man anger him so?

"Things are never as they seem, right brother? Your noble work for that miserable excuse for a wizard not enough for you? You had to run with your own kind! Well then, dear kin, what would you do if I use this?"

The silver pistol gleamed in the flashes of light still chasing the members of the rogue's pack. Everything told the rogue to run away, forget the bonds he had managed to make, and leave forever. Yet, the feel of the trembling fur next to him brought back his need to establish himself. He had laid claim on this female, he had challenged the alpha of their pack, and through his death the rogue had every claim to be the alpha female's mate. This man challenged everything, silver or no.

"I may be the disgrace of the Lupin name," the man said acidly. "But I will become much more than my parents were, much more than you could ever be! You may be the wizard, but I have the power! Lord Voldemort will win, and your pathetic friends will fall. My name means so much more, for I am the only one of our family that has the smarts to join the winning, the rightful side! And now, my brother, I will end what I started!"

He began to pull the trigger. The rogue leapt to attack. Light flashed all around them. A deafening blast overshadowed all other noise. The rogue was knocked to the ground, and another dull thud landed next to him. Blood filled the rogue's nostrils, but not his own. He struggled onto his belly, and saw the outline of the alpha female. A whine issued from his throat, and he nuzzled her motionless body, blood wetting his nose.

The man had been knocked aside, and he groaned as he got back on his feet. Red filled the rogue's vision. All memory of this man turned into pure hatred. Briefly, the man's face showed fear in its rawest form. Terror poured from him like sweat. The rogue extended his claws to their full length.

And leapt one last time.

Hours passed. The rogue had been traveling slowly, pulling the dead weight of his mate as gently as he could with his tired jaws. His fur was stained red, his soiled paws slipping on the grass as if it was wet from a recent rain. None of his pack members followed him. He was not sure how they faired. All that mattered was his mate, her breathing less frequent with each passing moment. The rogue's heart pounded faster than in any brawl. All of his wounds meant nothing. He had to get her to their den. She had to live until sunrise. Somehow the rogue knew that.

Birds began to sing as dawn approached. The faint outline of a human's dwelling came into view. The rogue's skin began to itch. He dropped the alpha female and stumbled forward a few more steps until pain lanced all through his body. The rogue let out a howl until, minutes later, it turned into a human moan.

Remus, naked and cold in the long, dew touched grass, shakily got to his feet. Choppy and confusing memories flashed in front of his eyes, and he shook his head. When he stopped, he looked behind him, where he saw the shape of a woman lying motionless in the grass. Remus stumbled over to her, nearly falling when he saw that she was Beta. Quickly ignoring the fact that she was just as naked as he was, he noticed she was not breathing. Remembering faintly about the brawl and what he had had to do, he lifted her and gently shook her shoulders.

Blood was everywhere. Remus quickly became covered in it, smearing more over Beta's wet body. Her pulse was very weak.

"Beta! Beta, wake up!"

It made no sense. If they were injured as werewolves, why would they not have healed when they turned back into humans? The blood did not seem to wipe off, more kept appearing, but from where? Beta showed no signs of waking.

"Beta!" Remus cried desperately, ignoring how cold he was, how much he hurt inside. "Beta, please!" He shook her harder.

I have to get her inside! I have to get her books on healing! He thought wildly.

Remus tried desperately to lift her and get on his feet. He was so fatigued, so awkward, wet from dew and mud that he was not able to gain more than ten feet with Beta in his arms. He dropped her, and he let out an anguished cry of frustration.

A small sound came from Beta's lips. Remus bent over her, breathing hard.

"Cold," came a small, very weak breath from her mouth.

"I'll get you inside the Den. I'll get you warm. Hold on, now!" Remus said quickly. Again, he tried to lift her, but his efforts had weakened him even more. She slumped back onto the ground. He balled his fists in rage at himself.

"I'll go and get your healing books. You're hurt. It will be okay, I'll be right back. Don't try to move." Remus struggled to his feet. Beta weakly tried to grasp his arm.

"No. Stay."

He shook his head. "It will be alright, I'll heal you. I just need your books."

"Stay with me."

He stared at her, slowly shaking his head. The look in her eyes was firm, yet he could sense her soul slipping away.

"Please stay with me," she said softly.

"I can save you!" Remus cried, tears prickling his eyes as he knew what she meant. Knew what was coming. He couldn't bear it. His soul was tearing.

"You already have," Beta whispered, pulling on his arm. He resisted and fell beside her at the same time.

"There's time I can do it you know I can," Remus said to her urgently.

"I know."

"Why? Why?" Remus felt her body, looking for an open wound but found nothing.

"Do me a favor," Beta said, her voice weaker.

"Yes," Remus said, after a moment.

"Make sure you win." Her eyes closed.

"Gildie! Don't leave me!" Remus cried, sitting up.

"Remus." Beta looked up at him. "I'm your Beta. My love is for you. Don't forget I named you Rogue."

The sun pierced the spot where they lay. Remus' vision was blurred by tears, the taste of their salt on his lips. Beta smiled at him, and looked away.

"That's me," she said faintly. "Behind you."

"I love you," Remus whispered in her ear. Silence, save for the chorus of birds, surrounded them. He felt each of her breaths. Then, she slipped from him, her life running out like water from upturned palms.

It was hard to explain things afterwards. What had happened that evening would follow Remus to his grave, save for what he told Dumbledore of how his plan had failed. The survivors from the Pack, Lori and Puck, had finally stumbled upon the spot where Remus had buried Beta's body two days after the brawl. Remus was sitting beside the mound, marked only with a cross, not having moved since the moment when he laid her to rest. Puck gave him no heed, cast a scornful look at the grave, and had walked off. Remus never heard from him again. As for Lori, she stood with Remus for an hour, staring down with his gaze. What she said as she left would stay with Remus for the rest of his life.

"She was pregnant, too."

Lori disappeared as well after that. He made no effort to contact anyone from the Network that he was aware of. As for D Two, the survivors continued to work for Voldemort. Remus never got any sign of his brother again, and he had reoccurring nightmares besides reliving Beta's death, featuring himself tearing each limb from his brother's body and gouging out his organs one by one. There was a haunting feeling that it was more than a dream, but a memory.

A week after the brawl, Remus returned to his friends, and managed to fib his way through explaining his absence. It was clear to them that he was deeply scarred emotionally, although about what, they could not find out. They grew accustomed to seeing him staring out a window, looking lost, his eyes glossy and unfocused. Lily eventually gave up trying to get him to tell her what was wrong.

Another year past. Remus continued to work for the Order, although his duties consisted of everything he had previously used as a cover for his work with the Pack. His friends tried their best to cheer him, and while being in their presence comforted him and made him smile, the empty ache in his heart remained. He never did sleep in his bed again, preferring the solitude of his hidden room.

It was mid-winter when Lily announced she was pregnant. At that time, Remus felt he was moving on. Watching James pamper and fret over Lily that season was enough to distract anyone from their troubles.

"Lily, don't do that!" James worried one evening in late February.

"Don't do what?" she cried, startled.

"That!" he pointed to the book she had reached for.

"What? I can't read?" She looked at him as if he were mad.

"You'll strain your eyes or something," he said unconvincingly.

Remus couldn't help but suppress a small laugh. Sirius rolled his eyes from where he was sitting, across from Remus over a chessboard.

"Sweetheart, first of all, I'm only not even five months pregnant. Second, I won't strain my eyes, and third, it won't harm the baby!" She gave him an exasperated look.

"Well, heaven knows that you'll certainly put your health in jeopardy if you sit next to a window too long. Getting a sunburn from the glare off the glass is far more dangerous than straining your eyes over a book," Sirius said with mock severity.

James scowled at him, which only made Sirius and Lily chuckle. Remus smiled and stared down at the chess pieces. However, when he saw in the position of the pawns the same pattern he remembered from that night of the brawl, his skin went cold. The way the king piece was flanked by the pawns, the queen at its side, with the opponent pieces surrounding them on all sides, it made him get up suddenly and leave the room. Sirius, James, and Lily watched him leave, silent despite the gaiety a moment before.

Remus spent as much time in solitude as he did with his friends during that time. Peter was by far the most absent from their gatherings. Dumbledore had him working alone, after Peter repeatedly requested him to do so. This sparked curiosity among Remus and the others, but there were far more pressing matters to keep their attention.

For one thing, Death Eater activity was steadily increasing. James, Sirius, Lily, and Peter never once mentioned that there were no longer any signs of his brother. For that, Remus was grateful, although he knew it was on their minds sometimes. Lily stayed home and was excused from missions as her pregnancy progressed further and the time was coming for her to give birth. James was frequently irritable during that time, for he wanted nothing more than to stay with her but duty held him to his post for as long as possible.

Then on the last day of July, Remus received a letter from James' owl. The poor bird was ruffled and looked very rushed, and the letter only had a single, excitedly scrawled sentence:

It's time!

That either meant it was time for one of their illegal adventures or that Lily was giving birth. The later proved the most sensible, and Remus fed a slice of bread to the tired owl and sent him on his way without a note. He went outside and disapparated to James' front lawn, where the sky was even blacker with storm clouds and thunder rolled in the distance. Remus quickly walked through the front door without knocking, Sirius running to greet him as if he had.

"We feel it'd be too dangerous to have Lily go to St. Mungos," he said, taking Remus' arm. "I've sent an owl for a healer to come here."

"Who else is here?" Remus asked, following him up the stairs.

"Just us. You, me, James, and Lily of course. That git Peter hasn't shown up yet." He walked up to James' and Lily's room and knocked softly. A moment later, James opened it, looking completely exhausted, elated, and nervous at the same time.

"Ah, good, Remus you're here. Er Lily's dozing, but I don't want to leave her. At least until the healer gets here. She's been in a lot of pain."

"Are you sure she should be here?" Remus whispered, following James' prompt to come inside and sit down on a chair by the window.

"Too much could happen at the hospital. I sent an owl to Dumbledore and he suggested this. He wishes he could come as well, but he also felt that would be putting us in jeopardy too." James ran his hands through his hopelessly messed up hair.

Remus nodded, and looked quickly at Lily, who had stirred and opened her eyes.

"Oh, Remus! How are you?" she asked him sleepily.

Remus smiled at her. "Well. You look positively radiant, Lily."

She grimaced. "I don't feel radiant. I feel more like a beached whale being forced to squeeze a truck through something the size of a keyhole."

Sirius barked out a laugh and James threw him a look that instantly shut him up. Lily smiled at her husband and reached for his hand.

"Don't worry, love. I'll be fine. Next time, it'll be you giving birth."

"Well, good thing that's impossible!" James grinned at her. She looked at him slyly.

"Who said that's impossible? I think I know a spell"

James blanched just as an echoing ring broke the house's silence. Sirius quickly got to his feet and left to answer the door. Remus got up and kissed Lily's other hand.

"I'll be outside if you need me. You need your rest."

She smiled at him as he left the room. Sirius was practically dragging the healer up the stairs in his haste. Remus grinned sympathetically as the poor man was nearly thrown into the room with James and Lily. A moment after the door was closed, it opened again and Sirius was promptly shoved out.

"But but!" Sirius muttered, torn between staring at the door and the urge to knock it down. Remus grabbed his arm and led him downstairs, where he house elves immediately began a pot of tea. Sirius wasn't patient enough to sit and wait, and contented himself to pace around the foot of the stairs, up the stairs, linger on the landing, then come back down to start the process all over again. If Remus didn't know any better, he could have sworn it was Sirius being the worried father instead of the godfather.

Then memory hit him again, one he had been trying so hard to ignore since he heard Lily was pregnant. What Lori had said the last time he saw her, standing over Beta's grave, made his stomach clench.

"She was pregnant, too."

Even until her last breath, Beta had said nothing about it. Remus never suspected anything of the sort. She had gave him no sign, no indication. She must not have been far along. He racked his brain trying to remember the last time she came to his cottage, the last time they had been intimate. Then his skin grew cold when he remembered the announcement Alpha had made – that all females were to make sure they became pregnant. It made sense that Beta would undoubtedly be forced to consort with him, as his second in command, and in his mind, his rightful and only mate. So, was the child Beta conceived a result of Alpha or Remus?

Even so, that child's potential life was lost along with Beta. Would Remus had been the one pacing restlessly with concern and excitement as a new father around this time too? Or would it had been Alpha, strutting around the Den with the sole notion that his progeny would soon overwhelm the rooms of their secret hideout? Beta never told Remus she was pregnant. Was that because she knew he wasn't the father?

Either way, it was because of him that both Beta and her unborn were dead. She died to save him from his brother.

Remus sat in the kitchen, brooding over those thoughts, long into the night. It was close to dawn before James came racing to the top of the stairs.

"It's a boy! It's a boy!"

Sirius tore up the stairs and followed James. Remus slowly got to his feet, swallowing the last of the tea that had long since been cold. When he finally made it to the room, the healer had left and Lily was half awake, looking fondly at the small bundle James was holding in his arms. Sirius was hovering over his shoulder, a gentle smile on his face.

Quietly, Remus went over to them, smiling broadly at Lily and looked at the bundle. A small tuft of black hair jetted out from among the blue blanket. Sirius and James looked at Remus and grinned.

"Harry James Potter," James said quietly, pride glowing on his face.

"The fifth marauder," Sirius whispered happily.

The baby stirred slightly, and Remus watched as little Harry opened his eyes. They were bright green, just like Lily's. Something told him that Harry would be a marauder with some sense about him.

"Congratulations, James," Remus said.

Peter showed up not too long after Harry was born, and stayed for a short while. Everyone was too preoccupied to pay much attention to that fact. Peter always held short visits, and continued to do so as the months progressed and Harry grew. Remus did not visit as often as he would have liked, preferring to keep busy so as to keep memories at bay. James and Lily had enough on their hands, however. Sirius was a more frequent visitor, and Remus did not mind that. It wasn't long before the Christmas holiday, and Remus spent it at James' and Lily's home as usual with them and Sirius. Harry was an active, but quiet infant, sitting up and watching with wondrous eyes as Sirius and James cast charms around him. Lily did not approve too much of the two of them performing mock duels, but Harry always giggled when one of them would cast an amusing curse at the other

When spring arrived, Death Eater activity was at the highest yet. Deaths happened daily, and Remus threw himself into his work. He saw little of his friends, as they were all busy themselves. When members of the Order began to fall, they grew desperate.

It wasn't until a full year later on Harry's first birthday that James and Lily decided they had to go into hiding. James made the announcement right after Harry was put to bed.

"There's no more denying it," he said heavily. "Voldemort clearly wants Lily and I dead, more so than anyone else. We are the first to be attacked in any ambush. All of the Death Eaters' focus is on us. I can only assume one thing as the reason. He knows about the prophecy."

Remus put down his teacup and looked up at James. This was news to him, for the last time Remus had a decent conversation with him was that last Christmas. When Remus wasn't working, he preferred to be alone in his cottage. This caused he and his friends to distance themselves, and Remus had begun to feel like a ghost when he was with them. He certainly looked like one anyway, for his hair had grown prematurely thin and his clothes were often dusty with disregard. That day he was dressed in his best, however, and yet that did not help his dislocated feeling.

"What did Dumbledore suggest you do?" he asked James.

"Go into hiding," James sighed. "Completely."

"Where?" Sirius asked. He was sitting on the sofa, adjusting the arrangement of the twigs on Harry's new toy broom.

"Dumbledore wants to use the fidelius charm," James said.

"What kind of charm is that?" Sirius looked up from the toy. Remus cleared his throat.

"I remember reading something about that," he said quietly. "It involves casting a charm over an individual who solely knows something that must be kept secret. As long as that person never tells a soul that secret, the person or item the secret is about will never be found."

James nodded at him. "A secret keeper', yeah."

"So, Dumbledore will perform this charm, and as long as the secret keeper doesn't say where you are, the three of you will never be found by Voldemort?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," James said.

"Who will your secret keeper be?" Peter asked, making his presence known in the room, holding a plate with a slice of birthday cake on it. Lily walked in behind him, smiling as she signaled to him to wipe off a spot of icing he had on his cheek. He blushed and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

"Well, I wish I could let all of you be our secret keeper but Dumbledore insisted the charm will only work on one person. No offense, but I'd like Sirius to be it. If you don't mind, Sirius?" James looked imploringly at Sirius.

"No problem," he said immediately.

Peter made a noise as if he were going to speak, but at that point Harry could be heard crying from upstairs and James left to take his turn with him. Remus took up his tea again and absentmindedly began to stir the slice of lemon around in the cup. Lily looked at him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I wish you would tell us what is wrong with you," she sighed.

Remus smiled at her and shook his head. "You worry too much. I've told you, there's nothing wrong."

"Then why do you always look as if you're not really here?" She crouched down to look him in the eyes. "Tell me the truth, what did Dumbledore have you doing a year ago?"

He looked back at her and his smile wavered. She always did seem to always bring him out of his shell, for as long as he had known her. Yet, he closed his eyes and shook his head. What was in the past was just that, there was no use bringing it back to the fore.

"It was that woman that was with you at our wedding, wasn't it?" A look of dawning comprehension came upon her face, and Remus looked at her, his heart racing. "She left you. Oh why didn't I see this sooner?"

"It was nothing, she was just a friend," Remus said quickly. Sirius and Peter were trying very hard to look like they weren't listening. Lily, however, didn't stop.

"Why didn't you say anything? A fool could tell the two of you liked each other. What happened? Why were we so stupid to not realize this was the problem all along? "

Remus kept shaking his head, and when Lily kept persisting he explain, he got up. She stepped back a foot or two, and he tried to look anywhere but at his friends. James had just walked in the room, concern and surprise written all over his face.

"She she's just gone. There was nothing... there's no reason to worry," he said quietly, glaring at the floor. There were tears threatening to break from his eyes, and he shook his head angrily at getting emotional.

"Moony?" James came toward him tentatively. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"James" Sirius said warningly. For once, Remus was grateful to him. He seemed to be the only one that figured it was best not to address the subject.

"Remus, we-"

"She's dead! She's gone and dead! Okay?" Remus yelled suddenly, making everyone jump.

Lily's mouth dropped into a silent gasp, the others didn't look like they knew what to do or say. After a moment, Remus gathered himself and forced a look of calm on his face. He smiled uncertainly and ran a hand through his hair.

"Ah, don't worry, alright? Please? I'm sure I'm fine, now stop it, okay?" He looked at his watch. "Oh, look at the time! I should be going now, the two of you need rest. Harry doesn't let you do that much, I'm sure. Give him a hug for me? I hope he likes the little animal I gave him."

Lily nodded uncertainly.

"He has it in his crib. It's the cutest thing, that little stuffed wolf," she said, smiling finally.

James walked him to the door and shook his hand.

"You don't have to keep secrets, Moony," he said to him. "Any death is not okay. I wish you wouldn't hide yourself. That's not what friends do."

Remus looked at him and smiled weakly.

"There's a part of me that's always hidden. And I prefer to keep that part inside. I'm more worried about you, and Lily and Harry. As long as you three are safe, I'll be fine."

"Don't worry," James grinned. "Our secret will be safe."

Remus stepped outside and buttoned his cloak. With a last wave, he disapparated back to his cottage. The evening was cool despite it being the dead of summer, and as Remus walked up the steps and to his front door, he realized he would never come home to a family like James had.

He never had, and he never will.

Well, Remus thought to himself. Maybe Sirius is right. I need to get a dog.

Epilogue

There was nothing left.

He walked past all of the gaping Muggles, ignored the firemen who were rushing toward the scene, holding large hoses and speaking to their hands. Police were everywhere, and yet they didn't notice him. He kept going, until he was at the edge of it all.

Everything was in ruin.

All he could see was a massive pile of smoldering rubble. There were popping noises around him, and yet he didn't notice as members from the Ministry began to appear, herding Muggles out of the way and talking soberly to one another. It didn't matter, he could see the Dark Mark floating above.

Tears streamed from his eyes and he fell to his knees. James Lily Harry. They were gone. How could Sirius have done this? It was unthinkable! He only faintly noticed a group of aurors moving two large shapes covered with black sheets away. It wasn't real. Surely this was a dream like the others

If he hadn't of shut himself away, would this have happened? Would he have been able to notice Sirius?

His hand fell through the ashes, into the debris, onto something soft. He brought up his hand and pulled it up. It was the stuffed wolf he had given Harry for his first birthday that year, torn, dirty, and singed.

Your curse is the curse of all you dare to love. No matter what you do, you will still hurt your friends. It's in your blood!

Finally, Remus' tears fell. He stumbled to his feet, still holding the toy. Nothing mattered anymore. Everything he held dear was lost now. It was best to just keep moving, keep moving and never stop. Beta was right.

He was a rogue, after all.