Disclaimer: Much as I'd like to, I don't own Draco Malfoy, or any part of the magical world that J.K. Rowling has all the copyrights to ... please don't sue me. There are some parts of this story that are quotes from the book - it can't be helped - events are the same as in the book, but Draco's opinion of these events may vary from Harry's.

Author's Notes: I needed to do some re-writing, after reading OotP. I have made some minor changes to this chapter, mostly spelling and grammar.

Chapter 4 - Lockhart Is A Freak

In the morning, I discovered that Potter and his pet Weasel had NOT been expelled. I still don't understand how they managed to get away with that one, but Snape was definitely in a bad mood so I can rest assured that he doesn't want Potter here any more than I do. My breakfast that day was interrupted by two things. One: Noctowl brought me the usual bag of sweets - not such a big deal but it's always important to keep myself stocked up on junk food. And two: the Weasleys' family owl took a nosedive into the Gryffindors' breakfasts and dropped a Howler on Potter's sidekick.

Howlers are fun ... mostly because my parents would never embarrass me in such a manner (they prefer to keep my few failures private), so I never get them, therefore I enjoy when other people do.

"STEALING THE CAR! I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU! I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT HAD GONE? WE WERE AFRAID THE MUGGLE AUTHORITIES HAD IMPOUNDED IT! WE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT! I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME! WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS! YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!"

Wow, that was a really good one. And Weasley Sr is getting in trouble for the flying car ... well, where else would his idiot of a son and the Brat-Who-Lived get their hands on a flying car? I started laughing and a few other students (at all four tables, surprisingly) joined in.

* * *

Classes that morning were anything but interesting. First was Transfiguration - I swear McGonagall has it in for me - and second we had Charms, which was spent going over the last years work to make sure we hadn't forgotten it all. The only interesting part of the morning was when one of the Hufflepuffs managed to levitate the chair he was sitting on, instead of the feather on his table.

We (all the Slytherin second-years) were walking past the courtyard, on our way from lunch to our next class, "I can't believe they'd let him teach DADA." Cat said, scowling.

"You know what they say: 'those who can do, those who can't teach'." Theo noted.

"We'll have Crabbe and Goyle teaching table-manners, then." Pansy replied instantly.

I tried not to laugh, as I said, "I almost pity the Gryffindors. They've got his first class."

"How'd you know?" Pansy asked.

"Because he's been running around all morning, annoying the other teachers, and Snape made the comment to Flitwick, that Lockhart would actually have to be in his classroom long enough to torment the Gryffindors, too." I said, smirking.

"You listen in on teachers' conversations?" Cat asked.

"Only when they're right next to me and talking loudly enough." I said defensively.

Just then, I overheard the words, "I know all about you. Everyone's told me. About how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you -" I stopped walking to listen, turning to see that Creepy was the one prattling excitedly to Potter, "- and how he disappeared and everything, and how you've still got a lightening scar on your forehead, and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures'll move." Creepy paused for breath, and if I hadn't already disliked him on sight, I'd have definitely decided to hate him, now, "It's brilliant here, isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts."

The 'interloper', as Cat called him, had been standing behind us and now took a step towards Creepy and Potter, "Where're you going?" I asked, holding my arm out to stop him.

The boy looked up at me nervously, "He's in my year and I've not met any other kids whose parents aren't magic, yet."

I looked at the Mudblood, carefully, "You're not half-blood, then?" I asked. He shook his head in response. "I've honestly never known any Mud- ah - Muggle-born - to be in Slytherin, before." I said, looking up at Theo who just shrugged.

"Never happened. There's not many half-bloods, either." Blaise informed me. Yeah - I wish there had been one fewer.

I turned back to the Slytherin-Mudblood (definitely a unique occurrence, so I can refer to him as that, even though I don't know his name), "You don't make friends with Gryffindors." I said coldly, "They are the enemy."

I returned my attention to Potter and his admirer, just in time to hear Creepy say, "- your friend could take it, and I could stand next to you? And then you could sign it?"

I couldn't resist this one ... especially since I saw Lockhart entering the far side of the courtyard. I beckoned my Shadow-Impersonators to follow me, and stepped out behind Creepy, "Signed photos?" I asked, in my best you-are-a-stuck-up-prat voice. I saw Lockhart wandering off, towards the DADA classroom, so I raised my voice and all-but-shouted, "Everyone queue up! Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"

"No I'm not! Shut up, Malfoy." Potter snapped, looking almost ready to kill.

"You're just jealous." Creepy squeaked. How dare a rotten little twerp like that, which Pansy could knock out, talk back to me?

And more to the point - how did he hit so near to the mark? I saw the entire courtyard watching, so opted for quiet and dangerous, instead of shouting, "Jealous? Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special, myself." Well it doesn't, so how come he gets all the attention?

"Eat slugs, Malfoy!" Weasley-the-sidekick yelled (well I have to differentiate between them, and I'm not using their first names).

"Be careful, Weasley. You don't want to start any trouble or your mummy'll have to come and take you away from school." I said, grinning - oh what a shame that would be ... you know that was sarcasm, right? I then started screeching, "If you put another toe out of line - " in what was supposed to be a bad impression of Mrs Weasley. Some of the older Slytherins laughed - I hadn't realised I was good enough at Gryffindor-baiting to make the older Slyths laugh - good thing to know. "Weasley would like a signed photo, Potter. It'd be worth more than his family's whole house."

Weasley took out a broken-and-taped-together wand, and would have tried to hex me if Hermione hadn't whispered something to him, indicating the approaching figure of Gilderoy Lockhart.

"What's all this, what's all this?" Lockhart asked, sounding and looking like the self-obsessed ass-hole that too few people realise he actually is, "Who's giving out signed photos?" He scanned the group and his eyes landed on Potter. His reaction was more hilarious than I had expected, "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!"

My job done, and Potter well and truly humiliated, I melted into the crowd of on-lookers. And I think I almost pitied the boy - Lockhart really should not be inflicted on anyone ... but it was funny.

"Come on, then, Mr Creevy. A double portrait, can't say fairer than that, and we'll both sign it for you." Lockhart said, somehow managing to show all his probably-fake-or-at-least-magically-whitened teeth, while speaking. Creepy jumped at the chance, and took the picture, while Potter tried to pretend not to be there. Just then, the bell rang and Lockhart shooed everyone away.

"I can not believe you did that." Theo said, grinning, "I mean, setting Lockhart on someone is the height of cruelty ... but then, it is Potter we're talking about."

By dinnertime, news had gotten around the whole school that Lockhart had set a cage full of Cornish Pixies on the Gryffindor class. Longbottom had to be removed from the ceiling, and Lockhart had run away screaming for his mummy ... not that the Ravens' gossip-mongers are the most accurate source of details, but it sounded good.

* * *

I tried to set Lockhart on Potter again, but it didn't work - Potter was wise to Lockhart's attitude, now, and avoided the man like the plague. So I went for another approach. I convinced Cat to bribe Patil (the Gryffindor one) to get their timetable, and sold it to Creepy at a ridiculous profit. That seemed to have the desired effect of annoying Potter.

That Friday was our first DADA class. Lockhart seemed to have decided not to use real creatures, anymore. Thank the gods his first class was with Gryffindor, so he could make the mistake with them, rather than us. The back window was still broken, presumably by the pixies.

I sat near the front, purely to get a good seat to see the damage we would do to him, later in the year. Theo and Blaise on either side, Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy in the row behind us.

Lockhart entered the room, wearing robes so brightly coloured that they probably glowed in the dark. We all stared in horror. Theo was the first of us to find his voice, "Bright colours are the devil's work," he muttered. I nodded in agreement.

Lockhart stopped in front of my desk and held up a glossy photo of himself, that he had produced from his pocket, "Me." he said, in a way that implies he thinks himself to be the centre of the universe, "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League -"

"Professional narcissist." I interrupted, loudly and clearly.

Lockhart stopped and glared at me, while Theo muttered, "Look who's talking."

I now glared at Theo, "My narcissism is only a hobby." I said coldly.

The rest of the class started sniggering, while Lockhart tried to regain control. "- and winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award - but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"

Pansy spoke up, "No, you WROTE ABOUT getting rid of her by smiling at her ... no reason to imply that you really did."

Lockhart's eyes flashed in a way usually reserved for pissed off evil-overlords. "ANYWAY." he said sharply, "We'll be starting with a quick quiz, to see how well you've read the books I've set for you." and with that, he handed out pages of parchment to everyone. "You have thirty minutes. Start - now!"

I scanned the questions, with growing incredulity. I was NOT about to take this seriously.

1/ What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour? ... Neon-orange with Barbie-pink polka dots.

2/ What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition? ... To become a drag queen.

3/ What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement? ... Surviving without being told when to breathe in and out.

And I continued in that style, for the rest of the paper. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

And after the time was up, he read over the answers. "I am truly shocked at how few of you answered correctly. Some of you have the strangest ideas about my personal life. And how does neon-orange with Barbie-pink polka-dots count as a single colour, anyway?" Lockhart asked. Everyone was looking around to try to figure out who had been obnoxious enough to insult Lockhart so blatantly (it was me - I did it all - I am the criminal). "Mr Malfoy, I want a word with you, after class."

Considering some of the answers I gave him, I guessed the fact I smirked and winked at him, in response to this, might just have scared him a bit. I did that on purpose, too. I have it in for this guy and he will not survive the year with his sanity intact - this, I swear.

After class (during which we watched Lockhart re-enact one of his fictitious accounts of heroism), I waited with my bag packed and ready to go.

"Now, Mr Malfoy. Would you care to explain this?" he asked, holding up the paper that I'd answered.

"It's a piece of parchment, with writing on it." I said, forcing myself to keep a straight face.

Lockhart, however, didn't have my composure, "You know perfectly well what I am talking about. Now explain yourself, or I will give you detention and take points from your house."

I blinked. Last time I had detention, I was sent into the Forbidden Forest ... and I wasn't about to lose house points so early in the year, if I could help it. "I wrote down the first things that came to mind." I said calmly, not once did I look away or blink or even laugh. And I was telling the truth, which made it harder not to laugh.

Lockhart stared at me. I think I really was beginning to unnerve him. I continued to look at him, unblinkingly. He looked away first. "You are a trouble-maker, Mr Malfoy," he said simply.

"Yes, I am. But most of the time, no one can prove it." I admitted. He looked shocked that I was actually saying this. "I only did this to you, because I wanted to see if I could make you vomit over you 'lovely' purple robes."

Another glare. "If you try anything like this again, you will be in detention. And for now, ten points from Slytherin. Get out of here and try and remember where you put your sense of decency."

"I don't have any." I said immediately.

"Get some." and with that, he turned and stalked out of the door. I grinned. This was going to be fun.

* * *

At dinner that evening, Lockhart couldn't go five minutes without glaring angrily at me.

"What did you do to him, Draco?" Blaise asked, from across the table.

"I used my superior logic and distinct lack of common decency to scare the hell out of him." I said, grinning at Lockhart as he glared at me again, "I think I can make him go insane by the end of the school year."

"Well, if you don't, he'll drive Potter insane." Theo noted, with a sadistic smirk.

"I'm going to try to time it for both." I answered.

* * *

End of chapter 4