Disclaimer: Much as I'd like to, I don't own Draco Malfoy, or any part of the magical world that J.K. Rowling has all the copyrights to ... please don't sue me. There are some parts of this story that are quotes from the book - it can't be helped - events are the same as in the book, but Draco's opinion of these events may vary from Harry's.
Author's Notes: I needed to do some re-writing, after reading OotP. I have made some minor changes to this chapter, mostly spelling and grammar ... and can any of you guess who sent Theo that card, because that scene is new in this fic.
Sinical-Sarchasm: Ok, now I've decided to go back and respond to all your reviews, in order ... that's why I took so long with this chapter. 4: Glad you liked my perspective ... I only did it because I can't understand why anyone could think Draco is really evil. 5: H/D ... you mean like Hermione/Draco, right? Because the abbreviation for that is Hr/D ... H/D means Harry/Draco. 6: Erm, no ... Quentin Trimble was the author of their first DADA book ... they never to my knowledge said Quirrell's first name. 7: Thank you ... glad you liked that. 8: hehe, you'll see ... I've been plotting the werewolf thing since the beginning ... I'm glad somebody noticed. 9: you realise you just listed all my own personal favourite parts of that chapter! 10: I'm not really a great Hr/D shipper, either ... who said "she" was Hermione? Ahem, anyway ... yeah, the Erised scene was fluffy, but it had to be done ... I mean, we all wanted to know what Draco's heart's desire is, didn't we? 1: Thanks. 2: Well, I base Draco on myself ... I'm an attention seeker, and that's how I'd react if I were in his position. And those books ARE fiction, aren't they?! 3: Thanks. 4: Well, I hate Lockhart, so I had to damage him ... and I think mental torture is so much better than physical. I am working on recreating that "test", if you wanted to suggest questions for it? I'm nearly finished, then I'll publish it. 5: Worship, you say? That's new. Anyway ... yeah, Draco is the anti-hero, but it's the fact he knows it and takes pride in it that makes it almost funny, isn't it? 6: Higgs was stupid, for being so obvious ... if I was going to poison someone, they'd never know it was me. Not that I'd ever poison anyone, but it's the principle of the matter. 7: To use the spy-ball on someone, they need to cast the spying spell on that person ... it's too risky. Steal away, I'm happy to share (wouldn't mind getting credit for it, tho). 8: Theo is supposed to be the harmless-insane type ... I needed comedy in the fic, and he's the easiest way to add it. Yep, that's where I got the idea. 9: Glad you liked that ... I thought it was fitting. And who else would ever have come up with the idea of selling all those useless amulets around the school, in the real books? It sure wasn't the Hufflepuffs! 10: Well, there are no coincidences in this fic ... everything happens for a reason. But you're not the only one who tried to learn Parseltongue - I also tried it ... it's not as easy as Harry makes it look! 11: That bit about Crabbe was funny, and you're the only one to notice it, thank you! As to the "I plead the fifth" quote, I'm a brit and I knew it ... and who says that was a Muggle expression, anyway? I imagine the American witches and wizards abide by the American Constitution, as well. Hell, I imagine they had a hand in devising it! 12: Yeah, I never did understand fics where Draco outright hated his father ... I can't see it. Draco loves his father, he just doesn't understand why they have to serve Voldemort. Draco has only truly smiled to Narcissa, Lucius, and Hermione. Well, when I read Madam Pomfrey's behaviour, the words "Jewish mother" just leaped to mind, so that is how I wrote her *shrugs*. Gods, that was long. Sorry to everyone else!
angelkas: Draco has only truly smiled to Narcissa, Lucius, and Hermione. Yeah, the ending of that scene was supposed to annoy Hermione.
Danielle: Hi. Dobby was punishing himself, because he kept either accidentally insulting his family, or nearly telling Harry something he shouldn't ... his orders were to keep Harry away from Hogwarts, but not to tell him anything important. Don't worry, though I have all of this, and half of PoA edited (and the rest of PoA in the process of editing, so it fits in with OotP).
Please, no-one take offence at Draco's idea of 'praying' ... umm ... he's kind of an Atheist, but he knows a lot about various mythologies, and he likes the goddesses better ... and I took the liberty of including an extra name to the end of the list.
Chapter 13 - My Bloody Valentine
I was rudely awoken by Theo yelling loudly enough to wake Crabbe and Goyle. "GET UP! IT'S FRIDAY!"
I sat up, and glared at the source of the offending noise, "Shut it, Theo." I growled, "I know what bloody day it is. And why are you waking me at seven thirty in the morning? We don't need to be up till eight."
"Cause I got this." he said, grinning and holding up a vial of purple liquid.
"What the Hell is that?" I asked.
"A bit of extra-credit work for Snape. Not that Snape knows about it, but that's what I told the nosey Raven-prefect that asked me about it." Theo said cheerfully.
"So what is it?" I repeated.
"Gonna slip some of this stuff to Lockhart, and he'll start tap-dancing and singing in class. No way to pin it on us, like with the Dancing Hex. I thought we could slip it to him in class today." Theo explained, with a manic grin.
"Nu uh." I said, shaking my head, "Got a plan for today, already. Can you keep that till next class?"
"Sure." Theo said, seeming to come down from whatever high he had been on, "What's for today, then?"
"Valentine's Day." I said, smirking, "I will scare the hell out of him."
"I don't want to know." Theo muttered. After a few seconds, he then asked, "Can I watch?"
I snorted with badly suppressed laughter, "I don't know how you do that."
"Do what?" Theo asked, he sounded genuinely confused.
"Say something's bad and/or you don't want to do it, then jump right in at the deep end." I replied, glancing briefly at Daft and Dafter, before adding, "You did the same with that mirror, last year."
"I did, didn't I?" Theo said, also glancing at the Stupid Squad, who hadn't noticed anything unusual, "You know, there's a Muggle drink called Coca Cola? I saw this report on it, showing that it could be used as metal-cleaning fluid, and all the black-stuff in it that could cause heart attacks and so-forth ... then I went out and bought a case of it. Delicious stuff - best thing ever to come out of the Muggle world."
"You are strange." I muttered.
"Yes, I am. Thank you."
* * *
Of course, Lockhart managed to ruin everyone's day. He had to - it's what he does. Theo and I entered the Great Hall for breakfast, and stopped dead.
"I've said it before, haven't I?" Theo asked, before repeating his favourite line to say around Lockhart, "Bright colours are the devil's work."
"And it doesn't come much brighter than this." I added. Crabbe and Goyle were gawping around in shocked horror, too. The entire Hall seemed to have turned pink. Bright pink. To say it was sickening would have insulted nausea itself. And Lockhart himself - well that was just the fluorescent icing on the cake. He was wearing robes that matched the colour scheme perfectly - the exact same shade of pink.
We picked our way across the Hall to the Slytherin table, careful to avoid the showers of pink confetti, and sat in our usual seat. Thankfully, the confetti wasn't falling over our seats - some of the sixth-years weren't so lucky. The girls arrived minutes later. Blaise, Pansy and Milli were muttering and giggling between themselves, while Cat seemed to be in a deep sulk. I decided it was safest to talk to Cat, rather than the other girls. "Hi, Cat."
"Hi, Draco. Please tell me you hate this?" she replied.
"With a vengeance." I said.
"Good." Cat muttered, leaning closer to Theo and I, "It's revolting, but those three think it's bloody wonderful. Milli even sent Lockhart a Valentine."
Theo made a gagging noise, while I scowled, "How can anyone like this?" I asked.
"I don't know." Cat admitted, "But I don't do pink." she added, shuddering.
Theo was staring at the nearest shower of confetti - it was moving slowly towards us. "Incendio." he muttered, pointing his wand at the offending confetti. The stream of pink-ness burst into flames, creating a fairly spectacular display. Theo received a round of applause from most of the Slytherin and Ravenclaw tables, and a fair number of Hufflepuffs and even Gryffindors, as well. Looks like Lockhart's idea of Valentine's Day spirit was not very much appreciated. Snape smirked, and I'd swear even McGonagall looked faintly amused.
Lockhart somehow managed to completely ignore the incident. I then set one of the floral-arrangements on the Slytherin table on fire. It took precisely two seconds to turn into a pile of ashes. "This might be fun, after all." I muttered. I always wanted to try pyromania.
Near time to leave for class, Lockhart decided to make an announcement, explaining himself. "Happy Valentine's Day!" he cheered, "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards!" Theo sniggered evilly, at this comment, "Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all - and it doesn't end here!" I'd swear Snape turned a shade of green when Lockhart clapped his hands, and a troop of grumpy dwarfs (pun intended - that story was not Muggle in origin) stomped into the Hall, wearing gaudy fake-wings and carrying cheap tacky harps. Lockhart didn't seem to notice that the dwarfs looked almost as put-out as the teachers, as he continued his rant, "My friendly -" yeah, right, "- card-carrying cupids!" stifled sniggering could be heard from at least two houses - probably all four, "They will be roving around the school today delivering your Valentines! And the fun doesn't stop here!" oh, this is getting ridiculous ... like it wasn't already, "I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion!" yeah, sure - he'd give out the recipe for a particularly nasty poison ... and the look on his face makes that all-too-clear, "And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"
"Poor Flitwick." Cat muttered, "I mean, Snape can just poison Lockhart, if he feels like it, but Flitwick is defenceless."
"Theo." I said calmly, "Why did you try not to laugh when Lockhart mentioned his Valentine's cards?"
"Because ..." Theo paused, looking at me, with an evil grin, "You're not the only one trying to mess with his mind. I sent him one, anonymously ... it's gotta be almost as bad as what you've been doing to him."
"Eewwww." I muttered, but still smirked, "Well, I bet I can out-do yours."
"How?" Theo asked.
"You'll see." I said, grinning.
* * *
I spent all of History class, that morning, writing out a 'Valentine' for Lockhart. It was, of course, only part of my plan to drive him insane - don't get any ideas. But it had to be worded just right.
Theo read it over my shoulder, and barely avoided laughing out loud in Binns' class, then as we walked down from History to Herbology, he couldn't help asking, "You're not really going to send that, are you?"
"Hell, yes." I said, grinning, "Why'd you think I wrote it?"
Theo shook his head sadly, "You aren't going to make it work." he said, "He'll go insane before he drives Potter up the wall. You've messed up the timing."
I smirked, wondering how he managed to crack jokes like that at the least opportune moments, "You think this'll work that well?"
"If he's got one ounce of sanity, this'll lose it for him." Theo said, "The last line is the key, of course."
We were distracted from our conversation, by something ahead of us. It sounded like it could have been a fight, but I couldn't see - other students were blocking my view. "Crabbe. Goyle." I snapped, turning to the Two Twits, and pointing at the crowd in my way. They proceeded to shove people out of my way, and I reached the front, asking, "What's going on here?" then I saw it.
Potter was scrambling frantically, to try to gather up books that had spilled all over the corridor, from his ripped school bag. One of Lockhart's dwarfs was trying to restrain him, for some reason. It looked like the beginning of a good show.
"What's all this commotion?" oh, no - Prefect-the-Weasley had appeared.
Potter tried to escape, but the dwarf floored him, and sat on his feet. "Right." the dwarf grunted, "Here's your singing Valentine:
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he were mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."
To say Potter looked mortified was the 'Understatement of the Month'. To say I thought it was hilarious was close competition for the title. I stopped laughing, however as I glanced down at the mostly-inkstained books Potter had been trying to gather. My heart stopped for a second. Please - Rhea, Hecate, Juno, Isis, Frea, Astoreth, Joanne - not that! That cursed book! Riddle's bloody diary!
"Off to class, now!" Weasley-Prefect said to the now-dispersing crowd, before turning on me, "AND you, Malfoy."
I regained my composure, knowing I had the full attention of half the corridor. I quickly made a grab for the diary - which, in spite of having been covered in red ink, was totally dry - and smirked, triumphantly. Crabbe and Goyle gawped at the book, like I'd swiped something of value and interest to them.
"Give that back." Potter said, probably hoping the low tone of his voice sounded dangerous - as if.
"Wonder what Potter's written in this." I said, looking down at the cover, and recognising the date - if this wasn't the evil diary, it was a dead-ringer for it. I did wonder what he'd written in it. Did he know who he was dealing with? Did he know what was going on? Or did he just think he'd found an old diary, and he hadn't gotten around to looking at it properly, yet? His reaction indicated that at the very least, the diary hadn't told him that I knew about it.
"Hand it over, Malfoy." Prefect-Weasley ordered. Like I'd ever do anything that pompous git told me to do - even if it was something I wanted to do, I'd deliberately not, just to annoy him.
"When I've had a look." I replied, trying to figure out how to get away with this book, and not have detention-happy Weasley-Prefect taking house points away from me, at the same time.
Head-Boy-wannabie started to say something, but Potter decided to take matters into his own hands, "Expelliarmus!" he snapped, pointing his wand at me. The diary flew out of my hands, and Weasley-the-sidekick caught it, grinning. I was angry enough that they'd publicly beaten me at something, but more so that they were playing with fire and I was the only one who knew how hot it was going to get. I couldn't tell them that, of course, but I also didn't want to let that book go, so easily. Still, I had no real choice.
While Prefect-Weasley threatened to report Potter, for using magic in the corridors, Theo arrived next to me, watching Weasley-the-sidekick hand the book back to Potter. "Weaslette's seen it." he whispered.
I looked up to see the Weaslette staring wide-eyed at Potter, and more intently at the book he now held. I did the only thing I could think of at the time - it comes naturally to me, really - I insulted her, "I don't think Potter liked your Valentine much!"
* * *
That little incident did have a positive point, though - it gave me an idea - why not make it a singing Valentine? I cornered one of the dwarfs, and handed him the letter to Lockhart, "This is a singing Valentine for Lockhart - a friend of mine asked me to pass it on, because he didn't want anyone to know who it was from - he's a bit shy, believe it or not. Secret identity, and all." I said, to the dwarf, who glanced at the letter and leered evilly, "It's to get to him during his afternoon class, after lunch. All right?"
"Sure thing." the dwarf said and he walked away, sniggering perversely.
* * *
At lunchtime, Theo walked up to me, "You didn't sent this, did you?" he asked, handing me a Valentine's card addressed to Theodore Nott.
"I like you, Theo, but not in that way." I replied.
"No, I mean like the way you sent the spoof card to Lockhart ... because this one says 'Gryffindor's red, and Ravenclaw's blue, but Slytherin's green, and that's why I like you'."
"Not my style ... come to think of it, that's more your style, Theo ... whoever wrote it is probably almost as crazy as you are." I noted.
"Yeah, I just wish I knew where it came from." Theo said distantly, as a group of Ravenclaw firsties walked past.
* * *
During said Defence class, that afternoon, I waited patiently for the dwarf to arrive. Lockhart kept glancing at me - probably wondering what I was up to, since I was wearing the evil smirk - besides, I had pulled some sort of stunt in every single one of his classes, so far, so he was probably expecting me to have something planned today. Of course, I did, but I sincerely hoped he couldn't pin this one on me.
Halfway through the lesson, the door burst open and in came the dwarf I had given the letter to. I watched with amusement, as Lockhart grinned, "Ah, a Valentine greeting!" he cheered, "And who might this be for, then?" he asked.
"You. Lockhart." the dwarf said, as he marched up to the teacher's desk and climbed onto said desk, to stand almost at eye-level with Lockhart.
"How delightful." Lockhart said, grinning idiotically.
"It's a singing Valentine." the dwarf noted.
"Ah." Lockhart said, a little less enthusiastically.
The dwarf cleared his throat and began reading the letter:
"I see your smile sparkle like stars, shining bright,
A beautiful beacon of hope and of light.
From shadows I watch you, as you play a part,
I know you're an actor, and I still want your heart.
Come to me, brave Lockhart,
That is, if you dare,
I want you, I need you,
Signed, Slytherin's Heir."
The entire class burst into laughter, on hearing the last line. "That's priceless!" Blaise giggled.
"Who'd dare send that to Lockhart?" Pansy asked, between sniggers.
"The Heir of Slytherin?" suggested Theo, and then he snorted again.
Lockhart looked petrified. I started clapping and the whole class joined in. The dwarf turned and bowed to me, in acceptance of the applause, before jumping off the table and departing the classroom.
Lockhart remained catatonic for the rest of the class.
* * *
End of chapter 13
Author's Notes: I needed to do some re-writing, after reading OotP. I have made some minor changes to this chapter, mostly spelling and grammar ... and can any of you guess who sent Theo that card, because that scene is new in this fic.
Sinical-Sarchasm: Ok, now I've decided to go back and respond to all your reviews, in order ... that's why I took so long with this chapter. 4: Glad you liked my perspective ... I only did it because I can't understand why anyone could think Draco is really evil. 5: H/D ... you mean like Hermione/Draco, right? Because the abbreviation for that is Hr/D ... H/D means Harry/Draco. 6: Erm, no ... Quentin Trimble was the author of their first DADA book ... they never to my knowledge said Quirrell's first name. 7: Thank you ... glad you liked that. 8: hehe, you'll see ... I've been plotting the werewolf thing since the beginning ... I'm glad somebody noticed. 9: you realise you just listed all my own personal favourite parts of that chapter! 10: I'm not really a great Hr/D shipper, either ... who said "she" was Hermione? Ahem, anyway ... yeah, the Erised scene was fluffy, but it had to be done ... I mean, we all wanted to know what Draco's heart's desire is, didn't we? 1: Thanks. 2: Well, I base Draco on myself ... I'm an attention seeker, and that's how I'd react if I were in his position. And those books ARE fiction, aren't they?! 3: Thanks. 4: Well, I hate Lockhart, so I had to damage him ... and I think mental torture is so much better than physical. I am working on recreating that "test", if you wanted to suggest questions for it? I'm nearly finished, then I'll publish it. 5: Worship, you say? That's new. Anyway ... yeah, Draco is the anti-hero, but it's the fact he knows it and takes pride in it that makes it almost funny, isn't it? 6: Higgs was stupid, for being so obvious ... if I was going to poison someone, they'd never know it was me. Not that I'd ever poison anyone, but it's the principle of the matter. 7: To use the spy-ball on someone, they need to cast the spying spell on that person ... it's too risky. Steal away, I'm happy to share (wouldn't mind getting credit for it, tho). 8: Theo is supposed to be the harmless-insane type ... I needed comedy in the fic, and he's the easiest way to add it. Yep, that's where I got the idea. 9: Glad you liked that ... I thought it was fitting. And who else would ever have come up with the idea of selling all those useless amulets around the school, in the real books? It sure wasn't the Hufflepuffs! 10: Well, there are no coincidences in this fic ... everything happens for a reason. But you're not the only one who tried to learn Parseltongue - I also tried it ... it's not as easy as Harry makes it look! 11: That bit about Crabbe was funny, and you're the only one to notice it, thank you! As to the "I plead the fifth" quote, I'm a brit and I knew it ... and who says that was a Muggle expression, anyway? I imagine the American witches and wizards abide by the American Constitution, as well. Hell, I imagine they had a hand in devising it! 12: Yeah, I never did understand fics where Draco outright hated his father ... I can't see it. Draco loves his father, he just doesn't understand why they have to serve Voldemort. Draco has only truly smiled to Narcissa, Lucius, and Hermione. Well, when I read Madam Pomfrey's behaviour, the words "Jewish mother" just leaped to mind, so that is how I wrote her *shrugs*. Gods, that was long. Sorry to everyone else!
angelkas: Draco has only truly smiled to Narcissa, Lucius, and Hermione. Yeah, the ending of that scene was supposed to annoy Hermione.
Danielle: Hi. Dobby was punishing himself, because he kept either accidentally insulting his family, or nearly telling Harry something he shouldn't ... his orders were to keep Harry away from Hogwarts, but not to tell him anything important. Don't worry, though I have all of this, and half of PoA edited (and the rest of PoA in the process of editing, so it fits in with OotP).
Please, no-one take offence at Draco's idea of 'praying' ... umm ... he's kind of an Atheist, but he knows a lot about various mythologies, and he likes the goddesses better ... and I took the liberty of including an extra name to the end of the list.
Chapter 13 - My Bloody Valentine
I was rudely awoken by Theo yelling loudly enough to wake Crabbe and Goyle. "GET UP! IT'S FRIDAY!"
I sat up, and glared at the source of the offending noise, "Shut it, Theo." I growled, "I know what bloody day it is. And why are you waking me at seven thirty in the morning? We don't need to be up till eight."
"Cause I got this." he said, grinning and holding up a vial of purple liquid.
"What the Hell is that?" I asked.
"A bit of extra-credit work for Snape. Not that Snape knows about it, but that's what I told the nosey Raven-prefect that asked me about it." Theo said cheerfully.
"So what is it?" I repeated.
"Gonna slip some of this stuff to Lockhart, and he'll start tap-dancing and singing in class. No way to pin it on us, like with the Dancing Hex. I thought we could slip it to him in class today." Theo explained, with a manic grin.
"Nu uh." I said, shaking my head, "Got a plan for today, already. Can you keep that till next class?"
"Sure." Theo said, seeming to come down from whatever high he had been on, "What's for today, then?"
"Valentine's Day." I said, smirking, "I will scare the hell out of him."
"I don't want to know." Theo muttered. After a few seconds, he then asked, "Can I watch?"
I snorted with badly suppressed laughter, "I don't know how you do that."
"Do what?" Theo asked, he sounded genuinely confused.
"Say something's bad and/or you don't want to do it, then jump right in at the deep end." I replied, glancing briefly at Daft and Dafter, before adding, "You did the same with that mirror, last year."
"I did, didn't I?" Theo said, also glancing at the Stupid Squad, who hadn't noticed anything unusual, "You know, there's a Muggle drink called Coca Cola? I saw this report on it, showing that it could be used as metal-cleaning fluid, and all the black-stuff in it that could cause heart attacks and so-forth ... then I went out and bought a case of it. Delicious stuff - best thing ever to come out of the Muggle world."
"You are strange." I muttered.
"Yes, I am. Thank you."
* * *
Of course, Lockhart managed to ruin everyone's day. He had to - it's what he does. Theo and I entered the Great Hall for breakfast, and stopped dead.
"I've said it before, haven't I?" Theo asked, before repeating his favourite line to say around Lockhart, "Bright colours are the devil's work."
"And it doesn't come much brighter than this." I added. Crabbe and Goyle were gawping around in shocked horror, too. The entire Hall seemed to have turned pink. Bright pink. To say it was sickening would have insulted nausea itself. And Lockhart himself - well that was just the fluorescent icing on the cake. He was wearing robes that matched the colour scheme perfectly - the exact same shade of pink.
We picked our way across the Hall to the Slytherin table, careful to avoid the showers of pink confetti, and sat in our usual seat. Thankfully, the confetti wasn't falling over our seats - some of the sixth-years weren't so lucky. The girls arrived minutes later. Blaise, Pansy and Milli were muttering and giggling between themselves, while Cat seemed to be in a deep sulk. I decided it was safest to talk to Cat, rather than the other girls. "Hi, Cat."
"Hi, Draco. Please tell me you hate this?" she replied.
"With a vengeance." I said.
"Good." Cat muttered, leaning closer to Theo and I, "It's revolting, but those three think it's bloody wonderful. Milli even sent Lockhart a Valentine."
Theo made a gagging noise, while I scowled, "How can anyone like this?" I asked.
"I don't know." Cat admitted, "But I don't do pink." she added, shuddering.
Theo was staring at the nearest shower of confetti - it was moving slowly towards us. "Incendio." he muttered, pointing his wand at the offending confetti. The stream of pink-ness burst into flames, creating a fairly spectacular display. Theo received a round of applause from most of the Slytherin and Ravenclaw tables, and a fair number of Hufflepuffs and even Gryffindors, as well. Looks like Lockhart's idea of Valentine's Day spirit was not very much appreciated. Snape smirked, and I'd swear even McGonagall looked faintly amused.
Lockhart somehow managed to completely ignore the incident. I then set one of the floral-arrangements on the Slytherin table on fire. It took precisely two seconds to turn into a pile of ashes. "This might be fun, after all." I muttered. I always wanted to try pyromania.
Near time to leave for class, Lockhart decided to make an announcement, explaining himself. "Happy Valentine's Day!" he cheered, "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards!" Theo sniggered evilly, at this comment, "Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all - and it doesn't end here!" I'd swear Snape turned a shade of green when Lockhart clapped his hands, and a troop of grumpy dwarfs (pun intended - that story was not Muggle in origin) stomped into the Hall, wearing gaudy fake-wings and carrying cheap tacky harps. Lockhart didn't seem to notice that the dwarfs looked almost as put-out as the teachers, as he continued his rant, "My friendly -" yeah, right, "- card-carrying cupids!" stifled sniggering could be heard from at least two houses - probably all four, "They will be roving around the school today delivering your Valentines! And the fun doesn't stop here!" oh, this is getting ridiculous ... like it wasn't already, "I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion!" yeah, sure - he'd give out the recipe for a particularly nasty poison ... and the look on his face makes that all-too-clear, "And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"
"Poor Flitwick." Cat muttered, "I mean, Snape can just poison Lockhart, if he feels like it, but Flitwick is defenceless."
"Theo." I said calmly, "Why did you try not to laugh when Lockhart mentioned his Valentine's cards?"
"Because ..." Theo paused, looking at me, with an evil grin, "You're not the only one trying to mess with his mind. I sent him one, anonymously ... it's gotta be almost as bad as what you've been doing to him."
"Eewwww." I muttered, but still smirked, "Well, I bet I can out-do yours."
"How?" Theo asked.
"You'll see." I said, grinning.
* * *
I spent all of History class, that morning, writing out a 'Valentine' for Lockhart. It was, of course, only part of my plan to drive him insane - don't get any ideas. But it had to be worded just right.
Theo read it over my shoulder, and barely avoided laughing out loud in Binns' class, then as we walked down from History to Herbology, he couldn't help asking, "You're not really going to send that, are you?"
"Hell, yes." I said, grinning, "Why'd you think I wrote it?"
Theo shook his head sadly, "You aren't going to make it work." he said, "He'll go insane before he drives Potter up the wall. You've messed up the timing."
I smirked, wondering how he managed to crack jokes like that at the least opportune moments, "You think this'll work that well?"
"If he's got one ounce of sanity, this'll lose it for him." Theo said, "The last line is the key, of course."
We were distracted from our conversation, by something ahead of us. It sounded like it could have been a fight, but I couldn't see - other students were blocking my view. "Crabbe. Goyle." I snapped, turning to the Two Twits, and pointing at the crowd in my way. They proceeded to shove people out of my way, and I reached the front, asking, "What's going on here?" then I saw it.
Potter was scrambling frantically, to try to gather up books that had spilled all over the corridor, from his ripped school bag. One of Lockhart's dwarfs was trying to restrain him, for some reason. It looked like the beginning of a good show.
"What's all this commotion?" oh, no - Prefect-the-Weasley had appeared.
Potter tried to escape, but the dwarf floored him, and sat on his feet. "Right." the dwarf grunted, "Here's your singing Valentine:
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he were mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."
To say Potter looked mortified was the 'Understatement of the Month'. To say I thought it was hilarious was close competition for the title. I stopped laughing, however as I glanced down at the mostly-inkstained books Potter had been trying to gather. My heart stopped for a second. Please - Rhea, Hecate, Juno, Isis, Frea, Astoreth, Joanne - not that! That cursed book! Riddle's bloody diary!
"Off to class, now!" Weasley-Prefect said to the now-dispersing crowd, before turning on me, "AND you, Malfoy."
I regained my composure, knowing I had the full attention of half the corridor. I quickly made a grab for the diary - which, in spite of having been covered in red ink, was totally dry - and smirked, triumphantly. Crabbe and Goyle gawped at the book, like I'd swiped something of value and interest to them.
"Give that back." Potter said, probably hoping the low tone of his voice sounded dangerous - as if.
"Wonder what Potter's written in this." I said, looking down at the cover, and recognising the date - if this wasn't the evil diary, it was a dead-ringer for it. I did wonder what he'd written in it. Did he know who he was dealing with? Did he know what was going on? Or did he just think he'd found an old diary, and he hadn't gotten around to looking at it properly, yet? His reaction indicated that at the very least, the diary hadn't told him that I knew about it.
"Hand it over, Malfoy." Prefect-Weasley ordered. Like I'd ever do anything that pompous git told me to do - even if it was something I wanted to do, I'd deliberately not, just to annoy him.
"When I've had a look." I replied, trying to figure out how to get away with this book, and not have detention-happy Weasley-Prefect taking house points away from me, at the same time.
Head-Boy-wannabie started to say something, but Potter decided to take matters into his own hands, "Expelliarmus!" he snapped, pointing his wand at me. The diary flew out of my hands, and Weasley-the-sidekick caught it, grinning. I was angry enough that they'd publicly beaten me at something, but more so that they were playing with fire and I was the only one who knew how hot it was going to get. I couldn't tell them that, of course, but I also didn't want to let that book go, so easily. Still, I had no real choice.
While Prefect-Weasley threatened to report Potter, for using magic in the corridors, Theo arrived next to me, watching Weasley-the-sidekick hand the book back to Potter. "Weaslette's seen it." he whispered.
I looked up to see the Weaslette staring wide-eyed at Potter, and more intently at the book he now held. I did the only thing I could think of at the time - it comes naturally to me, really - I insulted her, "I don't think Potter liked your Valentine much!"
* * *
That little incident did have a positive point, though - it gave me an idea - why not make it a singing Valentine? I cornered one of the dwarfs, and handed him the letter to Lockhart, "This is a singing Valentine for Lockhart - a friend of mine asked me to pass it on, because he didn't want anyone to know who it was from - he's a bit shy, believe it or not. Secret identity, and all." I said, to the dwarf, who glanced at the letter and leered evilly, "It's to get to him during his afternoon class, after lunch. All right?"
"Sure thing." the dwarf said and he walked away, sniggering perversely.
* * *
At lunchtime, Theo walked up to me, "You didn't sent this, did you?" he asked, handing me a Valentine's card addressed to Theodore Nott.
"I like you, Theo, but not in that way." I replied.
"No, I mean like the way you sent the spoof card to Lockhart ... because this one says 'Gryffindor's red, and Ravenclaw's blue, but Slytherin's green, and that's why I like you'."
"Not my style ... come to think of it, that's more your style, Theo ... whoever wrote it is probably almost as crazy as you are." I noted.
"Yeah, I just wish I knew where it came from." Theo said distantly, as a group of Ravenclaw firsties walked past.
* * *
During said Defence class, that afternoon, I waited patiently for the dwarf to arrive. Lockhart kept glancing at me - probably wondering what I was up to, since I was wearing the evil smirk - besides, I had pulled some sort of stunt in every single one of his classes, so far, so he was probably expecting me to have something planned today. Of course, I did, but I sincerely hoped he couldn't pin this one on me.
Halfway through the lesson, the door burst open and in came the dwarf I had given the letter to. I watched with amusement, as Lockhart grinned, "Ah, a Valentine greeting!" he cheered, "And who might this be for, then?" he asked.
"You. Lockhart." the dwarf said, as he marched up to the teacher's desk and climbed onto said desk, to stand almost at eye-level with Lockhart.
"How delightful." Lockhart said, grinning idiotically.
"It's a singing Valentine." the dwarf noted.
"Ah." Lockhart said, a little less enthusiastically.
The dwarf cleared his throat and began reading the letter:
"I see your smile sparkle like stars, shining bright,
A beautiful beacon of hope and of light.
From shadows I watch you, as you play a part,
I know you're an actor, and I still want your heart.
Come to me, brave Lockhart,
That is, if you dare,
I want you, I need you,
Signed, Slytherin's Heir."
The entire class burst into laughter, on hearing the last line. "That's priceless!" Blaise giggled.
"Who'd dare send that to Lockhart?" Pansy asked, between sniggers.
"The Heir of Slytherin?" suggested Theo, and then he snorted again.
Lockhart looked petrified. I started clapping and the whole class joined in. The dwarf turned and bowed to me, in acceptance of the applause, before jumping off the table and departing the classroom.
Lockhart remained catatonic for the rest of the class.
* * *
End of chapter 13
