When Roy woke up that morning, Johnny was gone. He found a note on the kitchen table, telling him that he was okay, that he had some things to do before the afternoon debriefing at headquarters. Roy had an idea about where Johnny was. Often times, when Johnny had problems and needed some space, he'd head up to one of the state parks and hike. He knew a couple of his favorite spots, having gone camping with him on many occasions. This morning would be a good morning for just such a hike for Johnny.
Roy called Joanne, told her he'd be home soon. Then he called Hank Stanley. Let him know that Johnny had gotten home safe and sound and told him of Johnny's note, that he had planned on being at the debriefing. Roy asked how the rest of the crew and Bob's wife were faring, too. Hank asked Roy to come to the debriefing as well. Apparently, Hank was still worried about Johnny and hoped that Roy could help provide some extra moral support for his paramedic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The debriefing went as well as can be expected, Roy thought. He'd only been to one other such debriefing, before he was a paramedic, when one of his fellow firefighters had died at a bad apartment building fire. He watched as each of Station 51's men had to tell their versions of what had happened when they pulled up to the new building, ready to go in to rescue people from an office where a ceiling had collapsed. 'Apparently, the building had not met code in several areas,' Roy thought. Roy watched each one. Each one was upset. Each one still couldn't believe the tragedy of it all. Each one was under understandable stress and reacting appropriately.
Except Johnny. His reaction was a little different. Johnny took it personally. He still blamed himself, despite everyone's assurances to the contrary, for Bob's death. Roy knew Johnny did that to some extent for all the patients he'd had that hadn't made it. Always thinking there must have been something else he could have done. But Roy sensed something else in Johnny's words and posture. There was something else eating at him. Something else about Bob's death, that no amount of reassurance, no coroner's report or doctor's testimony, could do to ease Johnny's conscience. Roy just didn't know what it was. Yet.
The Chief ended the debriefing, confident that all done was correct and properly documented. He then began to discuss the funeral arrangements. The department would be handling it for the family. He said that Mary Morgewicz had wanted Johnny, Chet, Marco and Mike to be pall bearers along with Bob's two brothers. Roy noticed that Johnny visibly paled at the mention of Mary's name. He seemed to lose any interest in what the Chief was saying, starting to drift off, staring at a spot on the wall. He came back suddenly, with an absent agreement to Hank's request to meet at the station in the morning before going to the funeral home together. Johnny was the first out the door when the Chief dismissed the group.
Roy ran down the hall, calling to Johnny before catching up with him. Johnny stopped short, tilting his head back, waiting for Roy.
"Look, Roy," he started, not looking at his former partner. "I appreciate you getting me home last night and... and... being there for me. But I'm okay, now. I just need some space, okay?" he asked, finally meeting Roy's gaze.
"Sure, Johnny," Roy gave in.
Johnny started to go, but was stopped by Roy's hand on his arm.
"I know you need some time to deal with this. Just remember that it helps to talk it out, too," he offered.
Johnny nodded silently before heading back down the hall and out of the building.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somehow Roy wasn't surprised when Hank called him the next morning. Johnny had failed to show up at the station or at the funeral home.
"Roy, I'm really worried about him," Stanley confessed.
"Yeah, I am too," Roy agreed.
"You don't think he'll..." Stanley started, unable to complete the thought.
"No, Cap, I don't think Johnny'd hurt himself," Roy assured him. 'Not physically, anyway,' Roy thought to himself.
"Any idea where he might be?" Stanley asked. "He hasn't answered anyone's calls. When we went to his apartment, Mrs. Meyers said she saw him head out last night. Hasn't been back."
Roy thought about it for a minute before saying, "Yeah, I have an idea. I'll give you a call later on, let you know."
"Thanks, Roy," Stanley breathed, relief evident in his voice.
~~~~~~~~~~
Roy drove to the state park. There were several sites that Johnny liked in this one. One had a wooded trail that led to a lake. One had an open field area on a hill that overlooked a valley stream below. The last, the one Roy just knew Johnny would choose, had a steep trail through a wooded forest, up the side of a mountain to an area with large rock outcroppings. The view was spectacular if you were one to risk the climb. And Johnny definitely was.
An hour later Roy reached the outcroppings. He spotted Johnny. Perched, of course, upon the highest one. Roy reached him easily, having done it before, knowing where all the good foot and hand holds were.
"I was wondering when they'd send out the search party," Johnny muttered as Roy sat next to him.
"Cap called, said you didn't show up this morning. They're all pretty worried about you," Roy replied.
"What about you?" Johnny asked, still not looking at Roy.
"Yeah, I'm worried too," he replied. "But I know something they don't," he added.
That piqued Johnny's interest and he finally turned to look at Roy.
"And what might that be?" Johnny asked.
Roy took a deep breath. Double checked his belief. "You're afraid to face Mary," he said.
Johnny froze. Roy hit the nail on the head.
"But you don't have to be," Roy stressed. "Mary knows it was an accident. She knows there was nothing any of you could have done," Roy said. "She doesn't blame you, Johnny," he added, emphasizing the words by grabbing Johnny's shoulders, making him look into his eyes.
But Johnny just shrugged him off, letting out a small chuckle.
"She should," he said quietly, nodding his head.
"Johnny! What's it gonna take to get through to you?!" Roy demanded. "How many people have to tell you that you did all you could? That it was a freak accident that nobody could have predicted? That anybody, you included, could have been killed that day?"
"Yeah, but nobody else would have had such a lousy partner that day!" Johnny lashed out, his anger finally being released.
"Johnny, you did the best you could. Anybody else -" Roy started.
"Anybody else would have been thinking 'Poor Bob!'" Johnny shouted. "But you know what?!! You know what I was thinking?!" Johnny yelled, grabbing Roy. "I was thinking 'Thank God, it's not Roy!!!' Does that make you happy?" he demanded, starting to cry.
Roy was taken back. Johnny's words shocked him. Sure, they were best friends.... Johnny continued and Roy let him, knowing he needed to.
"How the hell can I face Mary, hell the rest of the guys," he continued. "Knowing that I was glad Bob died?!"
"Johnny," Roy began.
"No, Roy!" Johnny interupted. "The whole time he was calling to me. The whole time. I kept thinking that it could have been YOU there. And I was so Goddamned glad that it wasn't! Now how's that for a partner, huh?" he asked, self hatred in his voice.
Roy cupped Johnny's chin with his hand, forcing him to look at him and said, forcefully and evenly, "You aren't glad that Bob died, Johnny. You're happy that I'M alive. There's a BIG difference. Do you understand?"
Johnny tried to look away as the tears started to fall. But Roy wouldn't let him.
"Do you understand?" Roy repeated.
Not until Johnny tearfully nodded his head, finally understanding what his feelings were telling him, did Roy let go. But Johnny didn't turn away.
"Roy, I ..." he started.
"Johnny, you don't have to," Roy said, wanting to make this awkward moment easier.
"No, Roy. I have to say it," Johnny continued. "I don't know when I've had a better friend or partner in my life. When you got promoted, I just saw the end of the best partnership there was. It's like my life got cut in two. I miss Joanne and the kids. I miss you. I just don't know what I would have done if it was you there. And Bob was so young. He just found out that Mary was pregnant...." he added.
Johnny couldn't go on. Roy put his arm around Johnny's shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze.
"You'd have carried on," Roy said. "You wouldn't let Joanne and the kids down. They know we're in a dangerous profession. They know the risks we take. And they know why. We are the hope - the belief and assurance that there are good people in the world, willing to make sacrifices for others. Mary knows that too. If we gave up everytime someone didn't make it, there wouldn't be anyone left. There would be no hope."
Johnny listened to Roy's words, silently agreeing with him.
"But how do I tell Mary?" he asked.
"Nobody says you have to, Johnny," Roy admonished. "You didn't do anything wrong. You were being human," he added.
They sat there in silence for a bit, watching the hawks circle the nearby mountainside.
"Roy?" Johnny asked.
"Yeah, Johnny?" he responded.
"Let me know if 14 gets any openings for paramedics," he said.
"Sure, partner," Roy replied.
