Part 10

What have I done? God, I shouldn't have forced her! I think I heard her say 'no' and 'stop' faintly but I didn't think she meant it that way. I honestly thought I was arousing her. Oh god, I must have scared her half to death. I'm such an asshole!!

"Donna! Don't go! I'm sorry." I yelled as I struggled into my pants and started zipping it up. She's running down the stairway. I didn't bother to put on my shirt. God, this could not get any worse. I'm running after her.

"Donna wait! Please!!" I shouted again as I saw her a couple of flights down. I ran with all my might trying not to slip and fall. I notice Donna tiring down. I run even faster.

She is almost at the bottom of the last flight of stairs and I was just a few steps behind her. I leapt and caught her arm as she reached the bottom floor. She turned back and jerk away from me but I didn't let go. Oh no! There are tears streaming down her face. Her eyes look bloodshot red and filled with fear. I made my Donnatella afraid of me. I slowly release the grip I had on her arm.

"Donna….Donna….I'm so, so sorry. I heard you say no. It….it just didn't register...I didn't think you meant it that way. I didn't mean to force you or hurt you. You've got to believe me. I…I thought you wanted this as well…I really did…" I started mumbling.

"No...No Josh. It's not your fault. It really isn't. I just …I just… (sigh). I swear to you, you didn't hurt me. It's my fault…I'm the one who should be sorry." Donna said as she slowly placed a hand on my cheek.

I brought my fingers to her face and wiped away her tears. I brought her down to sit on the last step with me.

"Then…What happened? I thought you wanted this." I said as I really didn't understand what was going on.

"Josh…Josh…I did want it. I do. It's just …I guess I'm not as ready as I thought I was." Donna said with a single tear rolling down her cheek. I leaned in and kissed the tear away.

"Donna, you looked terrified. You were trembling. You still are. I would have stopped if you asked me to again. Why were you so afraid of me? Don't you trust me??" I asked her as I held both her hands.

She looked down. I couldn't read her. Could she not trust me? That doesn't make any sense.

"I trust you Josh. I do. This has nothing to do with you. I just…….Could you please take me home?" Donna asked as she looked up. I didn't respond to her. I was still so damn confused.

"I could take a cab, it's okay." Donna said in response to my silence as she stood up.

"Stay here. Stay with me tonight. We don't have to do anything….You can stay in the guest room if you like. Just stay and talk to me." I pleaded to Donna.

"No…I really need to go Josh. Please understand. I can't do this right now. I really can't." Donna said.

I decided she'll talk to me when she's ready. I don't want to push her to talk to me no matter how much I want to know what's going on with her. 

"Okay. I'll send you to your place." I said.

The ride to Donna's place was silent. We didn't say much to each other. I walked Donna to her door.

"Donna, I'm always here if you need me. You can talk to me about anything. I really hope you know that." I said to Donna as I took her face in my hands.

Donna held my hands which were on her face and slowly pushed them away.

"I do know that. Goodnight Josh." She said and kissed my hands.

I watched her close her door behind her. I waited until I hear her lock all the knobs.

I hope she's okay. I spent the whole night wondering what was going on. I finally think I figured it out. She probably just wasn't ready to do this. Especially since she had no idea it was coming. We didn't discuss it or anything.

I guess planning a perfect evening for her might have made her think that I planned it all just to sleep with her. I don't blame her. It probably brought back bad memories of all the gomers she dated especially Dr. Freeride who all only used her. I need to take a step back. I shouldn't rush this. The moment CJ said we could sleep together, all I was thinking is that I can finally sleep with Donna. It never occurred to me to think about how she felt and that we never really discussed about it. We didn't talk about safe sex or anything like that. This is my fault. Well, I'm going to make this right again.

The next morning at work, I saw Donna already at her desk. I walked up to her.

"Morning. How're you doing?" I asked her slowly not to startle her.

"Oh hi. Um…I'm okay. Margaret called a few minutes ago. The Staff Meeting has been brought  forward to 8.00am." Donna said to me and continued doing her work.

She probably still feels awkward about last night. I should leave her alone for now.

"Hey, Josh. Come into my office a while, will you?" I looked up to see CJ at my office door.

I followed her into her office. "Yeah, what's up?" I said as CJ shut her door.

"So???" CJ asked with a grin and with curiosity written all over her face.

"So…..what?" I asked her wondering what this is all about.

"So..tell me what happen last night? With Donna? Did you to do the nasty? How was it?" CJ said enthusiastically.

"Ummmmm……It was a long night…We were tired…." I said not knowing what else to explain.

"What? No way. You were all so excited and you had everything planned. Sam told me about the candles and flowers, and the music. Come on. Tell me! You don't have to give me every detail if you don't want to." CJ said.

"CJ…. We really didn't. Okay? Don't ask me why." I said and then left.

*************************************************************

Last night was perfect and I ruined it. I just couldn't go through with sleeping with Josh. I honestly could feel the rape all over again. I guess it was my own fault. I have basically suppressed all my emotions on the rape and it all came out last night. It's probably because I didn't talk to a counselor or anyone else about it besides Kimmy. Even with her, I didn't really discuss it or open up much. I honestly believed I was ready to sleep with Josh but I guess I was completely wrong.

God knows what he thinks went wrong. Knowing him, he's undoubtedly blaming himself. I really can't deal with this now. I hope he won't push me to talk about what was wrong. I wanted to tell him last night but I just couldn't. I think it would hurt too much especially right after all the images I saw and felt.

It's been a few days since that night. Josh and I haven't spent much time with each other. It was mainly because of the amount of work we had to do due to the tobacco case Josh had to deal with. I also say tell Josh that I'm tired or have some other work to take care of so that I didn't have to spend too much time alone with him. I know this hurts him. He's been incredibly kind during this time. He didn't push me or force me to explain what happened to me. He just assured me that I could always come to him whenever I'm ready. We just shared simple slow and soft kisses but nothing more than that. I really don't know how to deal with this. I'm so afraid the images would come back if I get more physical with Josh. And I couldn't do that to him again. I need to deal with this and I need to deal with it fast.

One afternoon, when Josh was over at the hill CJ called me to her office.

"Donna? Sit down. I need to talk to you." CJ said as she motioned me to take a seat.

"What's up CJ? Is there something the matter?" I asked CJ who looked rather worried and concerned.

"Donna, I got a call from Jane Worthington, a reporter from The Post. She asked me something rather disturbing. I was rather shocked, so I said I'll look into it." CJ started.

"Okay? Do you need some help?" I asked her.

"Donna, Jane is a crime reporter. One of her friend has a daughter who went to a night club called 'Margaritas' few nights ago. Donna, she was date raped that night." CJ said.

A million things are going through my mind right now. "Oh no. Is she okay?" I asked.

"She's okay. She's not that injured or anything. She was drugged and taken to her own apartment and raped. She doesn't remember anything though because of the drug."

My eyes are growing wide. My heart is beating faster by the second.

"Donna…Jane is investigating this case as a favor for her friend. She looked through other date rape cases to find any similarities with this one. And she found about three others that occurred in the past year in the same DC area. Those three cases had the most identical police reports as this one. Donna, one of those cases which occurred about four months ago, the victim had your name…Donnatella Moss. I told Jane, there could be other people with your name. And she said the description of the victim fit yours. I told her I'll look into it." CJ explained.

Oh no. Why is this happening now? As if I don't have enough to deal with. I think I'm turning blue. God, I feel like the room is rotating.

"Donna? Is there something you want to tell me?" CJ said trying to look at me as I was looking down.

I looked up and CJ gulped. She knew. It was written all over my face.

"CJ…." I didn't know what to say.

"Donna. It's okay. We don't have to do this here. Why not we go out for dinner tonight? Say, Italiano's at 8pm?" CJ asked as she touched my hand lightly.

"Ok. I'll see you then." I said and left CJ's office.

I walked back to my desk like a zombie and continued my work. I know what I have to do. I have to tell CJ the whole truth. God, I hope this won't be plastered all over the news. I'll do anything for it not to be. I guess it's time anyway. All secrets have to come out eventually.

"Doooonna !!!!!" My head snapped to see Josh standing right at my desk.

"Josh! Why are you yelling? I'm right here!" I said feeling rather annoyed.

"I'm yelling because you didn't hear me calling you for the first five times." Josh said with his eyebrows raising.

"Oh. I'm sorry. My mind has a million things in it. I'm really sorry. Is there something you need?" I asked.

"It's okay. I just wanted to ask you for dinner." Josh said.

"Oh, sorry. I've made plans with CJ." I said.

"Oh. Can I come along then?" Josh said as he slowly smiled showing his dimples. God, I miss him.

"Well, CJ and I were planning to spend some time alone. You know, for some girl talk. We'll go out tomorrow night." I told Josh.

"Oh….Okay….That's fine. I'll get Sam and we'll hang out at my place or something."

"Yeah. That'll be good." I said.

"Are you sure you're okay? Care to share one of the million things in your mind?" Josh asked me.

"Oh. No it's nothing. Just planning some work for tomorrow in my head. Don't worry about it." I lied. I hate lying to Josh. I shouldn't lie to Josh.

"Oh, okay then." Josh said and he went into his office. He looks depressed. And I know it's because of me. We are getting more and more distant from each other and it's all my fault. I have to tell him. I'll talk to CJ today and tell Josh about the whole thing as soon as I can or else I might lose him. And I can't risk that.

Whoa! Look at the time. It's almost 8pm. I should pack up and go to CJ's office. CJ and I left about 10 minutes later. We ordered our food and waited for the drinks to arrive.

"Donna. I just recalled what Josh had said to me a few months ago. You know, when he first told you he love you? He had talked to me that day asking me if I knew what was wrong with you. He said you seemed dull and distant. Not quite yourself. And I was just wondering if that was when….." CJ said carefully choosing her words.

"Ummm…." I don't know where to start.

"It's okay Donna. You take your time. I have no right to rush you or force you to tell me anything you don't want to." CJ said as she softly tapped my hand.

"No. I want to tell you. I need to tell you. I just don't know where to start." I said honestly.

"How bout from the very beginning?" CJ said.

That was the best thing to do. I started telling her from the time I was staying with Josh after the shooting. I told her how I felt for him then and how much he hurt me when he first returned to work and went on as if there was nothing special between us. Then I continued telling her about Kimmy dragging me to the club. And then I told her what happened at the bar and next morning. I watched CJ's eyes grow wide. I could feel the anger radiating from her. She squeezed my hands when I told her about my body and what I felt and the images I saw. I continued with the incidents at the hospital and the police report. I also told her there was nothing much the police can do as there was no semen found and I couldn't remember a thing about the rapist.

"Oh my god, Donna. I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea. Are you okay?" CJ asked and I could see her eyes filling with tears.

"I'm okay CJ. It's been a while now. Well, at least I though I was okay." I said looking down and pulling my hand away from CJ's grip.

"Why? What happened?" CJ asked.

I sighed aloud.

 "I basically didn't deal with it CJ. No one knows about this. Not even Josh. Only Kimmy but I didn't even talk to her much about the 'incident' after going to the hospital. That's why I was so gloomy and not myself for weeks. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to just be busy with work and not socialize or anything. During that time I couldn't feel much emotions and I kept thinking about how and why I should get over my feelings for Josh as it was the only thing that could keep my mind off the rape. I figured as I didn't really have much emotions then, I could destroy whatever feelings I had for Josh before I start feeling again. Boy, was I wrong. And then Josh told me he loved me and I couldn't say I loved him back because I just didn't have any real feelings then and my mind was filled with all the negative things that could come about if we were to have a romantic relationship. Later, when he asked me to look him in the eye and tell him that I don't love him, all my feelings came back. All I wanted to do was to pounce on him and to kiss all over his face." I said causing CJ to snort.

"Boy, that's an image!" She said and chuckled a little. I smiled.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, I lied again because I didn't want to hurt his job or the presidency. Then, a month later we went to New York and I just couldn't restrain myself. With his tux and his bow tie hanging around his neck…" I laughed.

"Okay, okay. Spare me the details. I pretty much know what happened after that anyway. So, Josh doesn't know any of this?" CJ asked.

"No…..I feel awful about it. I wanted to tell him. But I didn't know how. I was...am afraid that I would lose his trust. I mean, I should have trusted him enough to tell him what happened….at least when we got together. It's just that working out our relationship was complicated enough. I didn't think it would be a good time to tell him about it. But I guess that came back to me and bit me on the ass." I said annoyingly.

"What? What do you mean?" CJ asked.

"The other day, we were going to…..well…Josh came and talked to you if we could, you know.." I said hoping CJ would get the idea.

"Oh yeah, yeah. But you didn't…that night anyway." CJ said as my eyes grew wide. That knuckled-head Josh told CJ what happened that night?

"He told you?!" I kinda shrieked in a whispering sort of way.

"Not really. Well, I knew he was planning it with Sam and the candles and stuff. And I was teasing him and asking him how it went and he got upset. He just said nothing happened and he didn't want to talk about it. I was really confused because I though he planned a great night. So, what happened?" CJ asked curiously.

"Well, we were going to. I wanted to. I thought I was ready. And everything was so perfect. And we were…. making out on his bed. I closed my eyes and CJ….It was the worse thing ever. I thought it was happening all over again. The rape. I could feel that awful excuse of a man hurt me and I didn't know where I really was. I saw all the images as before. I got so freaked out and pushed Josh away. I was trembling so much, it took me a while to realize it was Josh and I was at his place. Then I just ran out of his apartment and Josh caught up with me. He thought it was all his fault and he pushed me too hard. I told him it wasn't his fault and I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Since then, things have been quite distant between us. He hasn't really asked me what was really wrong with me that night. I guess he just wanted to give me some space."  I told CJ.

"Wow. This is just a lot to take in….Donna, you have to tell Josh. The further you postpone telling him, the worse it gets." CJ said.

I know she's right. I should tell him especially since a reporter now knows.

"I know. I promise I will…CJ, now that this reporter knows…..What if Josh finds out from someone else? What if she prints the story and oh god! CJ, is there any way she could not print my name. CJ…I just can't live with that. With where I work and whom I work with…I just wouldn't be able to handle that…" I said. I think I'm loosing it again.

"Don't worry Donna. I'll talk to Jane. I doubt she'll let this go but if you could talk to her and tell her yourself what happen to you I'm sure she'll leave your name out of it. She'll probably mention the incident but your name will remain anonymous. I promise Donna." CJ said.

"Thank you CJ. I hope I didn't make things worse for you or anyone else by keeping this to myself." I said.

"No, Donna. You have every right to keep this private. What happened to you is just so unimaginable. The fact that you handled this all alone by yourself….it's unbelievable. I wouldn't be able to do it. You are so strong Donna. You can handle whatever comes next." CJ said.

Hearing such words from CJ Cregg is just so inspiring. She's honestly the strongest and most amazing woman I know.

"Thank you CJ. Do you think they'll be able to catch the guy? I mean if it is the same guy that was involved in these rape cases. There's barely any evidence that could lead the police to find the guy." I asked CJ.

"Donna, I will do all that is in my power to make this guy pay for what he's done to you and the other women. Jane is an amazing crime reporter. We'll work with her to catch this bastard. He's not going to know what hit him. God, he'll wish he was literally burning in hell after WE are through with him." CJ said angrily.

I smiled at her and hoped she'll be right. Well, I guess what I'll have to do for now is just to let Josh know what's going on. Boy, I wonder how that'll go about…..

TO BE CONTINUED….. what did you think?? Excited to find out Josh's reaction? Give me feedback guys!!! More reviews!!