Part 11

Okay. Today's the day. I'm going to tell Josh everything tonight. CJ had arranged a meeting between me and the reporter, Jane Worthington for tomorrow afternoon. I hope Josh will not think that I had to tell him about the rape and everything because of this reporter.

"Josh?" I called out softly as I entered his office.

"Yeah?" Josh answered while looking at some reports.

"Can I come to your place tonight? I'll bring some dinner along." I said.

Josh looked up to me and smiled. I knew he was happy as I hadn't initiated any sort of date between us since the night I ran out. God, how I'm going to disappoint him again with the news I'm going to tell him.

"Yeah. That'll be great. We'll go straight to my place after work." Josh said.

"Okay. See you then." I said.

I bought some Chinese take-out on the way to Josh's place. I decided we should eat first before I tell him anything. We don't want the food to go to waste, do we?

We were just talking about work stuff during dinner. After cleaning up Josh sat on the couch and turned on the tv. I walked passed him to go to the other couch but he pulled me towards him. I landed half on top of him. He pulled me closer and started kissing me. Great….This is soo not what I had in mind. I've got to stop this. I slowly pushed him away.

"Josh. I'm sorry….I want to talk to you about something." I said.

"Aww..Come on! Why talk when we can do this?" Josh joked and tried to kiss me again.

I shoved him gently again.

"Josh…it's about what happen that night when we were…and I ran away." I started. Josh's face became serious and he let me go. I got up and sat on the couch across him.

"Josh, what I'm about to tell is going to be really shocking. I don't know if you'll be able to handle it. I don't know if you're going to be absolutely mad at me. So, before I start I want you to know how much I love you." I said.

"Donna, you're scaring me. What is it?" Josh said. I could feel the nervousness in his voice.

"Josh, it's a really really long story and I want to tell it without any interruptions. I know it is too much to ask especially with what I'm about to tell you….but if you'll let me tell you the whole thing without stopping me…I'll be truly grateful." I said to Josh knowing there's almost zero chance that he'll just keep his mouth shut when I tell him about the rape.

"Okay, now you're really freaking me out! (sigh) Okay...I'll try to keep my mouth shut and listen." Josh said.

I started from the very beginning, since the time I lived with him after the shooting. It's a good thing I told CJ everything as now I pretty much have had a run through of what I want to say to Josh. I continued telling him about the morning after the night I went to the club. I saw his eyes filled with terror as I told him about the images I saw.

"Donna….Oh my God…Donna…Why..why didn't you tell…." Josh started and I stopped him.

"Josh..please! Just listen." I said. I knew he would stop me at that point. He kept quite when I stopped him. I could see him shaking a little bit.

I then told him about the visit to the hospital, what the doctor concluded and the police report. I couldn't stop Josh from talking at that point.

"Donna…GOD! How could you not tell me? This was over four months ago!!" His voice started to rise. He held his the top of his forehead with both of his hands and got off the couch.

"I'm going to kill that bastard. That…that fucking son of a bitch!!! My god….those were the bruises you had on your hand that time. You said it was nothing." Josh said angrily. Oh no…I don't want him to lose it now.

"Josh…honey please calm down. I really need you to listen to me. I need to tell you everything…...Please…" My voice cracked slightly when I spoke.

Josh walked around a little and then came back to the couch. I explained to him that, that was the reason I was so not myself for a few weeks. I told him how I felt when he told me he loved me and how I lied after that. I told him everything was true about what I said to him about the doubts I had on our relationship. I just didn't tell him that recovering from the rape was also one of the reasons I didn't want to have a relationship with him.

Finally I went on telling him what I felt the night we almost made love. His eyes grew wide again. I stopped talking. We sat there in silence for a while.

"Donna…How could you not trust me? Why couldn't you come to me earlier? At least after we got together…" Josh said softly. I could hear the hurt in his voice. All I want to do now is hold him in my arms and cry together. But I don't as being near me now is probably the last thing on Josh's mind.

"Josh…I do trust you. With all my heart. I didn't tell you at first because our relationship was complicated enough with the press and the administration and all. We had enough to deal with. Part of me almost didn't think about the rape anymore because I was sooo happy being with you. And everything was sooo amazing. Josh, I didn't tell anyone about it then. I just couldn't. It would become more and more real if I were to talk about it. I guess what I did was not the best thing because of what had happened when we were about to make love. Then I realized I should've told you. I just didn't know how. I already hurt you more than enough the night I ran away. You probably blamed yourself about it." I said and my tears finally came out.

I was wondering how long it would take for my tear gland to start failing on me this time.  I wiped away my tears with the back of my hands. Josh just sat there watching me. I know he hates to see me cry. That's why it broke my heart even more when he didn't come and console me. God, I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me.

"Josh…there's more." I started as I watched Josh take a deep breath.

I told him about the reporter and that I told CJ about the whole thing yesterday. I also told him that I'll be talking to the reporter tomorrow to help her with the investigation and in return she won't reveal my name.

"You told CJ before you told me? Is that why you're telling me now?! Because you have to? Because some reporter from The Post knows? Were you afraid I'll find out through the news or something?? My god…you were never going to tell me, were you?" Josh said angrily.

I could sense hurt more than anger through his words. I knew this would happen. Now, he doesn't trust me. God, could my life get any worse?

"Josh, you know that's not true. I was going to tell you. If the whole reporter thing didn't happen I might have even told you yesterday. You've got to believe me. I just needed time." I said looking straight into his eyes.

There was another long pause. Josh stayed in his same position on the couch staring into space. I honestly can't read him right now. I shouldn't push him to talk about it or he'll end up saying something he'll regret. He needs time to process the whole thing. I owe him that much.

"I should leave." I said softly and got off the couch. Josh didn't look at me.

I waited a few seconds on my spot but he didn't say a word. I walked to the door and opened it and Josh still didn't say anything or even looked my way. I was going to break down again. It took all my might, but I managed not to cry. I held my tears until I got to my apartment. I didn't let myself cry in the car for the fear of blurring my vision while driving.

I was sobbing away like a lost girl as I got ready to go to bed. I honestly don't know what particular thing I'm crying about. There's just so much I've been suppressing inside of me I think it all came out tonight.

I'm under my covers trying to sleep but I can't stop crying. Goodness, I can hardly breathe sobbing through my tears. I think I could puke any second. I went to my bathroom coughing away and breathing like I was wheezing. Is god trying to kill me as slowly and painfully as possible?!!

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I just cannot comprehend what Donna had told me. How could she not tell me? How can she keep a secret like this for so long? I want to kill that mother fucking asshole who did this to her. If I get hold of this bastard I could just….Aaaargh….

I need to talk to someone before I break down. It's too late to call Stanley. I don't want to bug Sam because I have to tell him the whole story and I'm not up to that. CJ is the only one I can call since she knows everything.

"Hello? This better be some national emergency!" I hear a sleepy CJ on the end of the line.

"CJ. It's me." I said.

"Josh? What do you want? You sound awful!" CJ said sounding a little bit more awake.

"CJ. Donna told me what happened. The whole thing. I just…I just can't deal with it. I needed to talk to someone. I think I might do something I will regret. And you are the only one who knows the whole story." I started to explain to CJ.

"Josh. I'm sorry…..You want me to come over? Where's Donna?" CJ asked.

"No, don't come over. Just talk to me over the phone. Donna went back to her place." I said.

"Is she okay?" CJ asked.

"CJ, she lied to me!! We've been together for almost two months and she didn't say a word to me. She ran off when we were almost going to make love and didn't bother to tell me the truth!! And now, with this reporter knowing what's going on, she tells me! I mean, for god's sake, she told YOU before she told ME!

CJ, how could she not trust me? I could have helped her through it! I could have pushed for further investigation so that low-life scum would be found and gotten what he deserves!! CJ, after what've we've been through to actually have this relationship, how could she not trust me??!! How could I trust her now if she couldn't even tell me the truth all this while??? I mean for god's sake….."

"Stop it!!" I heard CJ yell and I stopped.

"Would you just listen to yourself????? I, I, I. That's all you're thinking about!! Do you have any idea what Donna's BEEN through??? What she's going through??? Did you ever just stop and think about her for a second??? SHE WAS RAPED, JOSH!! Whether she remembers the whole incident or not, this is possibly the worst thing a woman can go through!! It's worst than being beaten up half to death!!

You know when she talked to me yesterday, all she was thinking about was you. How she hated not telling you. How much she didn't want to burden you when you've got so much else to deal with. She wanted to tell you Josh, in fact I'm sure she would have told you today even if Jane didn't call me. She didn't know how to tell you. Plus, she didn't want you to think she didn't trust you enough to tell you earlier. And she also was worried that'll she'll lose your trust because of this. All I could think of was that she was way too paranoid. I didn't think you were low enough to think such things of her. But I guess I was wrong.

Josh, she didn't LIE to you. She needed to tell you when she was ready and also when she thinks the time was better for YOU!" CJ yelled into the phone.

I didn't say anything. There's just too much that I need to sink in.

"Josh? Are you there?"

"Yeah….yeah…."

"Josh, Donna loves you so damn much. Honestly, I have no idea why. A part of her was taken away from her when she was raped. She will never get it back. She probably feels incomplete and not good enough to make love to you or have you make love to her. You have to prove her otherwise. What did you say to her when she told you all this?" CJ asked.

"I didn't say much. I asked her how she could not trust me enough to tell me earlier. I accused her of finally telling me because she had no choice since this reporter knows about it. God…..I didn't even look at her or say anything when she left." I said sheepishly.

"Josh…Josh…Did you even think to ask her how she was? Or how she was dealing with all this alone? No therapist, no nothing! Remember when you had your PTSD, you kept it to yourself! You didn't tell anyone Josh. You treated everyone around you like shit and only Donna figured out what was going on with you. She didn't judge you. She wasn't mad at you for being mean to her. Instead, what did she do? She took care of you. Took you to the hospital on Christmas for god's sake.

Donna wasn't yelling or being mean to everyone when she was dealing or rather 'not dealing' with the rape, she was just distant and kept it all to herself. She thought she was over it but she was wrong. Finally, she told you. Do you have any idea how much guts and courage that took? And you just basically gave her a slap right across the face!! She didn't do anything wrong Josh. You probably just broke her heart into a million pieces and once again she has to deal the torment alone." CJ said in one breath I think.

We didn't say anything for the longest time. What CJ said to me had just sunk in my thick skull. God, I'm a jackass!!!! How could I be so cold and heartless to my poor Donna?!! How am I ever going to fix this? CJ's right, Donna didn't do anything wrong. I have to make this right for her.

"CJ…..I'm sorry…I didn't realize…or see it that way.." I started.

"Don't tell ME that jackass. Go tell Donna, if she'll ever forgive you!" CJ barked back.

"Right…right…I promise I'll fix it…I'll make her better CJ! I'll do whatever it takes." I said.

"You better. Or you will be sorry you were ever born, mi amore." CJ said.

"CJ, I'm so angry at that piece of shit who did this to her. I don't know where to place my anger. I think that's possibly why I treated Donna the way I did. CJ, I want him dead. I will not rest until he's found and convicted!" I yelled.

"Whoa! Down boy. You better get in line. I want to have my go at him first…look… Donna's talking to Jane tomorrow. I have known Jane for awhile. She's really good at her work and a decent person as well. After all, she's doing this as a favor to her friend. We'll help her and get this guy. I mean, we work directly for the President of The United States for crying out loud! We run the country, we sure hell could put a damn rapist in prison." CJ said angrily.

"You're right. We'll do this right……CJ, thank you so much. I know how much of an asshole I can be sometimes. I'm just glad to have someone like you to put me in place." I said.

"Anytime, mi amore. But just for the record, until you fix things with Donna, and I mean really grovel, you'll be still on my list! Okay, let me go back to sleep. I wasted enough of my time on you." CJ said.

"Goodnight CJ. Thanks again." What would I do without her?

I'm lying on my bed trying to fall asleep. I can't because of the way I treated Donna. I was planning to send her flowers tomorrow and grovel the whole day. But I just can't sleep thinking of how Donna must be feeling today. I want to call her but this just can't be done right on the phone. Plus CJ would kill me if I were to apologize to Donna on the phone. I have to go to her place now.

I got to her place in less than 5 minutes as there are barely any cars around. I think it's almost 2am. I knock at her door. I didn't pounce too hard not to wake up Kimmy. God knows she'll kill me if she knew what I did tonight. No one came to the door. Just as I were to knock again, I heard someone coughing rater violently. I heard sniffling and some real heavy breathing. Almost like a wheezing sound. Damn it, that must be Donna. I then called out for Donna and knocked a little louder. Then I heard the coughing stop and the door unlocking.

There she stood. My poor, poor Donnatella. She was in her pajamas and her fuzzy slippers. Her eyes were so red and puffy. Her face was all soaked with dried tears. She looked like she just threw up from crying too much. God, she's been suffering and it's all my fault. I don't know what to say. What can I say to make this even remotely better for her?

I slowly went in as she moved away from the door. I shut the door behind me. I just couldn't find the words to tell her. I honestly don't know what to say. We stood there looking at each other. My eyes started to burn. I could feel it filling with tears. I swallowed to prevent myself from breaking down. I need to be strong for my Donnatella.

I slowly moved towards her. I bit my bottom lip before I pulled her into my arms. I could feel her stiffen. She didn't hug me back but I didn't let go.

"I'm incredibly sorry Donnatella. What I did to you is inexcusable. Could you ever find it in that beautiful heart of yours to forgive me?" I said.

With that, Donna held me and broke down. She sobbed so hard I think it physically hurt her. She was getting weak in the knees as I could feel her hanging on to me. I quickly carried her from under her knees and she placed her hands around my neck. Her head was still on my shoulder and she continued to cry. I took her to her bedroom as it would be more comfortable than her couch and I didn't want to wake Kimmy up.

I slowly placed her onto her bed and climbed in with her all the while she didn't let go of me. I placed the comforter over us and we tangled into each other.

"Ssshhhhh…It's okay sweetie. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to go through this or anything else alone ever again. I promise." I said to Donna as she slowly settled down

Donna cried herself to sleep. I cried softly with her. All the while we were clinging to each other. I fell asleep only after making sure Donna had fallen asleep as well.

TO BE CONTINUED……..