Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing! NOTHING! The characters are
Tolkien's and Baby Got Back is Sir Mix-a-Lot's
Thanks to Fiora-da-Insane for telling me about Elrond's butterfly hairclip
thingy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elrond stood in front of his mirror and admired himself. He put a hand through his hair,
something was missing. Oh right, the butterfly hairclip, he thought, but where is it? He was about to look
around when he heard Erestor and Glorfindel shouting at each other outside.
"You lost the report!"
"I wouldn't have it you didn't give it to me!"
"You asked me to give it to you!"
"That didn't mean you had to do it!"
Elrond poked his head out of the window and screeched, again
"YOU TWO BETTER BE GETTING THAT ORC REPORT!!!" Immediately, Erestor and Glorfindel ran
off. They can to Imladris's biggest waterfall and stopped for a rest. Glorfindel climbed onto a tree and
looked to the west.
"Hey Erestor! Guess what?"
"WHAT!?"
"There's a band of Orcs half a mile away."
"What!? How many are there? Do they have weapons? Are they coming this way?"
"No! I mean an Orc "band". As in, there is one lead guitar, one second guitar, an electric base guy, and a
trap set (those rock band drums) player."
"What are they playing?"
"Baby Got Back. Do you think we can put that on the report?"
"Let's try it"
"Can you hear them?"
"No...wait. Yes, I hear them...they're not bad"
Orc band:
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big. *scoff*
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... black!
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's wet, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna role in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hon
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't go
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waste is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!
Glorfindel: Wow! They're really good
Later that evening,
Erestor and Glorfindel handed Elrond the Orc report. It read,
There was an Orc band playing and singing Baby Got Back in the western borders. They're really good. You should get them to play during the Summer Festival.
Erestor and Glorfindel
Elrond took one look at the report and fainted. When he woke up, he was in the infirmary. Erestor and
Glorfindel were not there. Beside him was the "Orc report". Elrond took up the Orc report and ripped it to
pieces. He was about to find and strangle his advisors when Figwit appeared.
"Please, my Lord. Lie die. You must rest."
"LIE DOWN? LIE DOWN??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MUST REST??? I AM MIDDLE-EARTH'S GREATEST HEALER! ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!"
Figwit, scared, rushed out of the room. Elrond started to look for Erestor and Glorfindel.
A/N: I'm making Figwit a healer in this fic. I don't know if he'll be a main character tho
Elrond stood in front of his mirror and admired himself. He put a hand through his hair,
something was missing. Oh right, the butterfly hairclip, he thought, but where is it? He was about to look
around when he heard Erestor and Glorfindel shouting at each other outside.
"You lost the report!"
"I wouldn't have it you didn't give it to me!"
"You asked me to give it to you!"
"That didn't mean you had to do it!"
Elrond poked his head out of the window and screeched, again
"YOU TWO BETTER BE GETTING THAT ORC REPORT!!!" Immediately, Erestor and Glorfindel ran
off. They can to Imladris's biggest waterfall and stopped for a rest. Glorfindel climbed onto a tree and
looked to the west.
"Hey Erestor! Guess what?"
"WHAT!?"
"There's a band of Orcs half a mile away."
"What!? How many are there? Do they have weapons? Are they coming this way?"
"No! I mean an Orc "band". As in, there is one lead guitar, one second guitar, an electric base guy, and a
trap set (those rock band drums) player."
"What are they playing?"
"Baby Got Back. Do you think we can put that on the report?"
"Let's try it"
"Can you hear them?"
"No...wait. Yes, I hear them...they're not bad"
Orc band:
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big. *scoff*
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... black!
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's wet, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna role in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hon
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't go
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waste is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!
Glorfindel: Wow! They're really good
Later that evening,
Erestor and Glorfindel handed Elrond the Orc report. It read,
There was an Orc band playing and singing Baby Got Back in the western borders. They're really good. You should get them to play during the Summer Festival.
Erestor and Glorfindel
Elrond took one look at the report and fainted. When he woke up, he was in the infirmary. Erestor and
Glorfindel were not there. Beside him was the "Orc report". Elrond took up the Orc report and ripped it to
pieces. He was about to find and strangle his advisors when Figwit appeared.
"Please, my Lord. Lie die. You must rest."
"LIE DOWN? LIE DOWN??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MUST REST??? I AM MIDDLE-EARTH'S GREATEST HEALER! ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!"
Figwit, scared, rushed out of the room. Elrond started to look for Erestor and Glorfindel.
A/N: I'm making Figwit a healer in this fic. I don't know if he'll be a main character tho
