Survival of the Parents
A/N: @_@ Finally!
Responses at the end.
Enjoy.
You know the disclaimer. ^_^ Hope you like.
~*~*~*~
With an obvious expression of exhaustion, Tsuzuki slumped into the comfort of the sofa's cushion. It was a soft blue coat that provided the exact warmth one needed during the cold times. Hisoka refused to have leathered furniture in which that they only provided further discomfort in the summer.
Beside Tsuzuki, Mika sat cheerfully nibbling on an oversized chocolate chip cookie given to her in hopes of ceasing her constant singing of Tsuzuki's improvement of "Jingle Bells".
Nujitsu was before Tsuzuki on the ground, struggling to stand to walk; a grunt of determination came from his little body every so often.
"Tsuzuki, you could help you know," snapped Hisoka from behind the counter placing the foods away in their respective areas.
Tsuzuki smiled pleasingly at Hisoka. "I'm watching the kids, love"
"Does it look like I care?"
Tsuzuki nodded with his best smile. "You do."
Hisoka grumbled and angrily tossed a can of corn into the cabinet before slamming it shut. "Useless pig."
"You feed me too much love."
Placing the frozen items in the cooler, the boy replied, "Hope you choke on it."
"Anything to get you to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation," admitted Tsuzuki, rising from his spot.
"You think too much about sexual ideas," lectured Hisoka, ignoring the passionate feelings emerging from Tsuzuki's mind.
"On the contrary," protested Tsuzuki, instantly snaking his arms around the smaller form. "I'm too busy thinking of you."
Relax, Hisoka…He's done this before…Don't hit him…
Hisoka tensed visibly beneath the touch and shivered at the warm breath tickling his ear. "You're touching me," he pointed out.
Tsuzuki chuckled and placed a few butterfly kisses against the soft neck.
…Count to ten…1……2….
"Stop." A command, not a request. The voice was cold but Tsuzuki snuggled deeper into the embrace.
"Why?" was the whisper.
…3…4…9…
All of the sudden, a squeal of delight was heard. Both of them shot their heads up to find Mika, who had managed to raise her body comfortably on the counter, giggling at them.
"Whee! Kiss him again! I wanna see you kiss him!" she chirped taking another bite from her cookie.
"Excuse me?" demanded Hisoka, still not realizing his back was perfectly snuggled against Tsuzuki's broad chest.
"Kiss! Kiss!" She began to sing. "Daddy and 'Soka under a tree, L-I-C-K-I-N-G. First comes kisses, then comes sex, then comes babies, which are so complex!" She screamed with laughter.
Hisoka stared at her with astonishment. "Where did you learn those words?" he questioned. In all of his life, he had never met a child that knew of such a word at such a young stage in life.
Mika cocked her head in peculiarity and blinked cutely. "You haven't figured it out, yet? Tsk tsk. I'm a prodigy. Prestigious. My mental capability is far beyond the extend of one who is at my age now, which, might I add, should be to the point where I begin to improve in my coloring rather than improve my understanding of Algebra!" She giggled wildly.
She squealed again and leapt off the counter, attaching herself to Hisoka's hips.
Giving out a cry, Hisoka desperately tried to pry the girl off of him. Not even Tsuzuki couldn't help but notice where the face of Mika was placed.
"Tsuzuki! Get her off! Ah!"
Tsuzuki, although shoulder trembling with laughter, began to peal the girl's deathly grip from his fianc-er…friend.
Mika giggled and lifted her head slightly to look up at Hisoka. "Girly boy! Can I call you that? Oh! I could give you a love bite right now!"
It was then Hisoka gave out a piercing shriek to wake the dead when Mika sunk her teeth into his jeans and bit something oh so sensitive.
"…Lucky girl," stated Tsuzuki.
~*~*~*~
Nujitsu sighed contently as he clung to a stuffed animal of Tsuzuki's, not minding the amount of drool he was depositing on the toy. He lifted his large eyes to find Hisoka moaning in distress on his spot sprawled across the sofa. In his hand, he held a pouch of ice wrapped in a towel settled upon a small bulge in his pants.
"S…ka…" he gurgled, frowning when no one heard him. The shuffling a feet caused him to adjust his vision to the other man who kneeled beside Hisoka.
"Hisoka?" he asked quietly.
Another moan. "What, Tsuzuki?"
Tsuzuki gently ran his hand through silky strands in a motion of comfort. "How are you feeling?"
"Like Muraki gave me a blow job. Why?" Hisoka snarled slapping Tsuzuki's hand away from his head.
Tsuzuki frowned with a look of pain. "Hisoka…"
And at that moment, a little form flew through the air and stuck to Tsuzuki's back. Mika peered over his shoulder to get a glimpse of the injured Hisoka lying helplessly on the sofa.
"Hey, girl-um…Hisoka," Mika corrected by a gently shake from Tsuzuki.
Hisoka attempted to keep a calm appearance but failed and resulted in her receiving a glare.
Tsuzuki gave a small laugh as Mika nuzzled her nose against his cheek. "I finished putting the food away, Hisoka," he informed his partner.
"Want a medal?"
"No. A kiss will do," Tsuzuki suggested.
Hisoka turned his head away, concealing his famous blush. "Idiot."
Mika smiled sweetly and then detached herself from Tsuzuki. She quietly approached Hisoka, stuck a small hand into a pocket in her dress and retrieved a piece of paper.
"…Soka?"
"…Now what?"
Mika hesitated before saying softly, "I made you a picture. I felt bad about biting you too hard."
Hisoka shifted his head again to look at her with awe. "You…made me something?" he whispered in disbelief.
She nodded eagerly and unfolded the paper before offering it to Hisoka.
The picture surprisingly emotionally touched Hisoka. Taking a close examination, he stared at its beauty. To the left of page stood Tsuzuki grinning that cute smile only he could pull off. In his arms was Hisoka, furiously blushing and possessing something that appeared to be a vein popping. His eyes slid to the right where he found Mika holding a puppy. Perhaps it was a cat. Either way, sitting and hugging Tsuzuki's stuffed duck was Nujitsu. Hearts littered the drawing; most that were around himself and his older partner.
"That's Daddy, that's you; you blush a lot so I colored your face red. Nujitsu-chan is here, hence the small size, and there's me holding my kitty!" she proclaimed, pointing to each picture with each explanation.
Despite her age, the coloring was extraordinary. Each color contained such a brilliant glow that the thought of a child drawing this was incredulous.
"Thank you," he finally said.
She grinned and looked to Tsuzuki. "See? I told you he would like it!"
Tsuzuki smiled at her pride and ruffled her hair. "It's wonderful," he agreed as he lifted Nujitsu up when the boy began whining and twitching.
Setting aside the towel with ice, Hisoka sat up and hesitantly stood. "He's hungry."
"You sure?" Tsuzuki questioned. "I think he needs to be changed." He sniffed the air and cringed.
With Mika tagging along behind him, Hisoka entered the kitchen again. "Then change him."
"You do it," demanded Tsuzuki, leaning slightly on the counter with Nujitsu propped against his hip.
"Why me? You changed him last time, right? Do it again," Hisoka growled and then said with a tone of sarcasm, "besides, you're so much more advanced in changing diapers."
Tsuzuki raised an eyebrow. "Las time? He didn't need to be changed. It was just a little fart."
"…Well, first time for everything," Hisoka said, attempting to avoid Mika's greedy hands pleading as they tugged on his belt.
"What is it?" he finally asked.
She pointed to the fridge. "Hang my picture there?
Patiently, Tsuzuki waited as Mika aided Hisoka to hand her drawing on the fridge with a cactus shaped magnet pinning up.
"Help me change him first," ordered Tsuzuki.
"No."
Tsuzuki rolled his eyes. "Hisoka, don't start with me."
Angrily, Hisoka crossed his arms defensively across his chest. "No."
"Hisoka! It will train us BOTH to be able to change diapers!"
Mika scrunched up her nose and said with a dramatic voice, "You'll both die. Nuji-chan makes poppy as big as an elephant."
"An elephant?"
"Yes!"
"Tsuzuki, you can do it by yourself."
"Hisoka, you WILL help me."
"Nope."
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Hisoka, lovely puppy honey bunch!"
"Don't call me that!"
"My lovely wuppy puppy shmuppy."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
Nujitsu's eyes began to blur as tears streamed down his face. He flailed his arms landing punches onto Tsuzuki's chest.
Tsuzuki flinched at the screeching sounds and stretched Nujitsu away, only furthering the boy's screaming and tears.
"Hisoka! Help!"
"What's the matter? Can't hack a child?"
"Now is not that time! Help!"
Hisoka groaned and snatched the sobbing baby. Gently, he wrapped his arms around the boy and sat down. Softly caressing the child's back, he hummed a lullaby he was taught when his mother would sing to him.
In short time, the baby's screaming was reduced to hiccups and silent tears.
Tsuzuki gasped, "How did you do that?"
Hisoka ignored him.
With delight and approval, Mika clapped her hands. "Soka is a good mommy."
The boy's eye twitched at the comment. Though before he could argue, a sudden wet and warm sensation began to spread throughout his pants.
Tsuzuki stumbled back at Hisoka's cry of alarm, as did Nujitsu. At first he assumed Hisoka's cry was of irritation until he got a glance at his partner's lap.
"Oh shit! He pissed on me!" Hisoka screamed.
"Hisoka don't swear!" begged Tsuzuki, grunting as Nujitsu was shoved into his grasp again.
"Hisoka!"
"I need to change, Tsuzuki!" Hisoka shouted.
Tsuzuki took hold of Hisoka's wrist. "No! I need your help!" he chided. Nujitsu was a premonition of a bad day still to come. Not to mention he was developing a brilliant headache.
"Tsuzuki! I have PISS on my pants! And it's tightening them!"
"Teenagers and their hormones!"
"Whoa! Whoa! HORMONES?! YOU'RE the one trying to get into my pants!"
"Yeah well-aah! Hisoka! He's pissing on my hand!"
"He already PISSED on my PANTS!"
"Help!"
"I need to change! Let go of me, damn it!"
"Please! Ahh! He's pissing on my leg! MY LEG!"
"Let me go this instant!"
"Hisoka! I'm begging you!"
"Mika! Get him off of me! LET GO!"
"Oh Christ, Hisoka! You tried to knee me in my stomach!"
"I aimed to high!"
"Aah!!! HISOKA! MY SHIRT!"
"Hey! You take him back! Tsuzuki!"
"YOU TAKE HIM!"
"You!"
"Hisoka!"
"God damn it, Tsuzuki! Ah! He tried to bite me! Why is everyone biting me? He's got two teeth but they're sharp! Hey! Get back here, Asato! Tsuzuki, you-AAAHHHH!!"
"Oh my god! Hisoka!"
Tsuzuki rushed to the fallen Hisoka's side. Beside him lied a broken vase. A trickle of blood streamed down his forehead.
"Are you okay?" he frantically asked, lifting Hisoka's shoulder.
"….My head…" moaned Hisoka. Nujitsu giggled despite his tears.
Mika bounced up to them. "Did I forget to tell you that Nujitsu is also a prodigy of some sort? Things move when he gets mad."
…
…
"…"
"…"
"What kind of kids are these?" Hisoka asked with a hint of fear.
~*~*~*~
"All right," sighed Tsuzuki, only wearing a long shirt and boxers. Hisoka, who was dressed in a similar fashion stood close by him while Nujitsu lied on the bed, back against a towel.
"Take off the diaper," ordered Hisoka as he disgustedly eyed the enormous stain on the diaper.
Tsuzuki flinched and peeled back the sticky fasteners and the front of the destructive device also known as a diaper.
Hisoka gasped. "Oh god." He turned away, not getting far when a hand pulled him back.
Tsuzuki, eyes still fixed on the baby, scolded, "No. We agreed to do this together."
"I wouldn't have mind leaving them out in the cold, but no, you HAD to take them in," Hisoka insisted jerking out the man's grasp.
"Don't give me that attitude," growled Tsuzuki reaching for the wipes. "Hey…where are the wipes?"
The shuffling of a few items must have meant Hisoka was rummaging through his stuff. "I don't know," he finally admitted from wherever he stood.
Tsuzuki thought for a moment before looking back at his partner. "Toilet paper, then?"
"No," Hisoka disagreed, "babies need wipes…"
"You would know of this?"
Hisoka resisted the urge to punch his partner. "Their skin is very sensitive."
"Like yours?" Tsuzuki suggested.
Hisoka remained silent.
"Well, those hickeys DID leave a mark," he snarled after a while.
"It was a DARE! And I was drunk!"
"Of course you were. Perverted old man."
"I am NOT!"
"Then STOP staring at my crotch!"
"…Don't wear tight boxers!"
"They're not tight! And I can wear whatever I damn want!"
"Don't swear, Hisoka."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"I still love you, 'Soka."
"…Tsuzuki…"
"Yes?"
"Stop STARING."
"…Sorry…"
"…"
"Ah! Damn it that hurt!" cried Tsuzuki, rubbing his head roughly as the box of wipes collapsed onto the bed beside a giggling Nujitsu.
"No swearing," reminded Hisoka waving a finger in disapproval. He went and stood beside Tsuzuki again, glancing toward the baby.
Smiling slightly, Tsuzuki opened the box and removed a few wipes. "Okay…" he said hesitantly as he placed the wipe against Nujitsu's bottom and scraped the horror before him.
Hisoka's faced scrunched up in disgust at the awful stench. "Don't forget to wipe his penis."
Tsuzuki shot an odd look at Hisoka.
"What?" asked his young partner, blinking with confusion.
"…Just sounded funny is all. I never expected you to say that word," Tsuzuki teased with a chuckle.
Hisoka's jaw became taut and stiff. "What's THAT supposed to mean? I'll say it again! Penis, penis, penis, PENIS!"
"You're so innocent," Tsuzuki gasped between laughs.
It was Hisoka's turn to smirk. "So says the virgin."
"Oh ho ho! That was so cheap!"
"Was it?"
Tsuzuki frowned deeply and stuffed the wipes into the dirty diaper before rolling it up to prevent any…er…gifts from slipping out.
"That's not funny Hisoka," he said.
Hisoka lifted his narrow shoulder to form a shrug. "Was it supposed to be?"
"I'm sorry about it," Tsuzuki barely whispered, not realizing the chill going through Nujitsu's body.
"Eh?" asked a bewildered Hisoka. "What for?"
Tsuzuki took another diaper and lifted Nujitsu's legs up, sliding it underneath the bottom. He hesitated before meeting jade eyes. "Um…For what happened to you. I'm…how….Muraki raped and…"
"Stop," Hisoka warned in a tight voice.
Tsuzuki's chest twisted uncomfortable. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bring back the memory!"
"Tsuzuki…" Hisoka tried again.
"…It's just that you were so young and when I found out I was so sorry! I was also very…"
"Nujitsu is pissing on you," Hisoka finally stated, staring at Tsuzuki's hips.
Tsuzuki blinked. "Eh?"
"He must have gotten too cold. Pissed on you. Look." Hisoka pointed his index finger to the lower half of Tsuzuki's shirt.
Amethyst eyes followed the direction of the finger. "Oh god!"
Nujitsu screamed with laughter and slapped his hand together as Tsuzuki struggled to remove his under shirt.
"Idiot."
~*~*Minutes Later*~*~
"Okay, powder," said a shirtless Tsuzuki.
"Powder? What for?"
"Not sure. But I see them do it on cartoons."
"…Cartoons…Tsuzuki…"
"What? Cartoons and cereal make a perfect match!"
Hisoka grumbled in a hushed tone and entered the bathroom. After a moment or two of shoving items hear and then, he emerged with powder in his hand. "Here."
Tsuzuki gave a grateful smile and twisted the top, causing a small cloud of powder to burst into his face.
Coughing, he waved the powder away from his face and began to apply some to Nujitsu's still bare rear end.
"Tsuzuki! You're getting it all over my bed!"
More powder. "It's okay. You can sleep on me on the couch."
"Tsuzuki!"
Tsuzuki chuckled with no hint of concern over the situation. "Relax. Would could possibly go wro-"
At the middle of that word, the lid, overwhelmed with powder pressuring against it and with the lid not securely twisted on, fell off.
"Ack! *cough, cough* Tsuzuki! *gag*"
Nujitsu giggled again attempting to swallow the powder fluttering around his lips.
~*~*~*~
Hisoka sighed as he slipped on new clothing on Nujitsu. Well, actually, it was one of his smaller shirts. He and Tsuzuki had forgotten to purchase clothing.
Tsuzuki tossed the old diaper and wipes used to launder Nujitsu of the powder into the trash.
As they were performing their tasks, Mika knocked on the door softly with her small fist and smiled at the two.
The older of the two welcomed her in. "Er…accident with the powder," Tsuzuki explained answering her perplexed look of the white substance covering both his and Hisoka's body.
She giggled, covering her mouth with one hand. "I can see why 'Soka likes you. Such a fit body!"
Hisoka groaned loudly and turned with Nujitsu yawning in his arms. "Looks like that's a sign that kids need their nap time," he suggested after patting Nujitsu's head softly.
Mika immediately gave a shriek of protest. "NO NAP!"
She scurried out the room with amazing speed. Both Tsuzuki and Hisoka followed after her as they cast each other strange looks.
"Mika!" Hisoka shouted angrily as he set Nujitsu into a playpen Tsuzuki had set up.
The baby whined in protest but was soon distracted with a stuffed duck. He gurgled and sucked on the bill.
Tsuzuki came beside Hisoka. "That's odd. I can't find her," he said, searching about. He paused then turned back to Hisoka. "Sense her."
Another sigh escaped Hisoka as he shut his eyes and began to scan the area. All the while, Tsuzuki waited patiently, studying the boy's almost naked form…chocolate syrup….bed…yes…nice bed…more syrup…
"I can't concentrate with your thoughts spilling out of your useless shields."
Tsuzuki's blood rushed to his face. "Uh…sorry."
Hisoka began once again just as Tsuzuki raised his more defensible shields. Almost instantly, his hand shot out pointing towards the closet. "In there."
Tsuzuki quietly advanced on the closet door and took a grip of the knob. "I wonder where she is," he said in a playful tone.
"Tsuzuki! Not the time to play!" Hisoka hissed in irritation.
As soon as the clock of the knob was heard, Mika leapt out with a squeal as the door jammed itself against Tsuzuki's face. A disturbing cracking of a bone was audibly heard.
"Ah! My nose!"
Hisoka sprinted to the side and caught her by the arms.
Mika screeched and drew her tongue out licking Hisoka's arm. In doing so, it created an enormous amount of saliva to lather over his arms. With disgust Hisoka released her and attempted to slap off the saliva.
"Ew! How sick!"
Taking the opportunity, she flew onto Hisoka's shoulders and leaped behind him, much like a game of leapfrog.
She zipped through the hallway and into a room, slamming the door with a loud and obnoxious 'BOOM'.
Tsuzuki, clutching his face with a hand, appeared from behind the door he was smashed against.
"This is going to be harder than I thought."
~*~*~*~
A/N: Ah, I love writing from experience XD ^_^ Well, here's another update for you. Okay, now go read Advocatus Diaboli! ^_^ PLEASE EXCUSE ANY ERRORS! ; No one helped edit this. I was the only editor, which means…dun dun dun..^_^; Sorry for ANY errors.
Responses:
Tricycle: I'm happy you found it funny! Sometimes I'm not certain if it's either funny or…not ^^; Okay, yeah, well…um…okay. Heh. Thanks for the review! ^_^ Hope this chapter made you laugh.
julie: Pleased that you liked it! Hoped you liked this one too! More will come! ^_^ Thank you very much for your review!
Lucifer Unforgiven: I like your name o_o…XDXD Okay, sorry. Was entranced ^^; You really laughed a lot? Good! ^__^ You asked for more, here it is! ^.^ Thank you!
a certain bloody bunny: Dear, don't die now. O_o; Bite his head off? o_o Oh my…just don't choke, alright? ^^; I'll continue, of course. I like the comment about it being funny and witty! ^_^ thank you very much!
hannah taylor: Hope your stomach didn't hurt too much! ^_^ Nujitsu is portrayed after my brother so you can imagine how much work I do with the kid o__o; Mika…came from my friend's younger sister. ^^;; They also have a big age difference o_O; ^_^ Anyway, thanks for the kind review!! Hoped you laughed really hard 'til you fell. ^.^
Elf Asato: It's all your fault I always think of talking to a rose. T_T;; Heh, you and your fics impacting my view of plants XD The two being married?…Well…They're married in MY mind XD Perhaps I'll add that, no? *pats you* Don't hug me too tight o_o; And, yes, I love sexual tension between them. ^_^ Thanks, Elffy! My new nickname for you XD
Jes-Pai-Tha: Ah, it's okay you reviewed late! ^_^ I'm just happy you reviewed! Your review was great! Hahaha, I love your actions. Don't kick something you might regret lol I like the man that mistook Hisoka for a female. ^_^ Well, you know how guys are sometimes…or…something…lol Sorry I took so long to update! ^^;; Thanks!!
Ita-chan: Ah! One of my favorite reviewers! Tsuzuki can be such a sexy cute pervert ^_^ Thank you so much for your compliments. I ALWAYS check to see if your reviews are there. I love them ^_^ THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I should write something special for ya…^.^ *ideas* Haha, I'll be sure to keep the Tsuzuki hentai innuendoes ^.^!!
Akiya: Ah, I'm so happy I made your day! That's wonderful! Hope I get around to writing the NEXT chapter quickly o_o; ^_^ Thanks you with many…uh…thanks XD. Thanks!
anime youkai: I like his flirtatious gestures too ^_^ Those pranks were also from an experience. I took someone's keys and they thought I left them in the car XDXD ^_^;; They didn't threaten me with 2% milk though…lol;; Thanks so much for the review!! Liked this chapter?
Yume Maxwell-Yuy: Thank you for complimenting me on the fic being good work. I always enjoy your reviews. They're very pleasant to read ^_^ Still laughing? Don't forget to breathe! ^.^; I need to add more funny parts…hmm…^_^ *ideas go fluttering around* THANKS!
Saki: Thanks! ^.^ I appreciate the time you took for the review. So pleased that you enjoy my style! Thank you very much! Plenty more to come! ^.^ I add a lot of smiles in my responses, don't I? Lol
ra-chan: Hahaha, I'm sure you'd enjoy making it worse XD *watches fans cheer for Tsuzuki* ^.^ Thanks!! ^o^
Starza: Got tears from all the laughing? XD good! "…comedy in it's PUREST form" I love that quote. I'm taking it. XDXD; ^.^ Thank you very very much! Hope to read another review from you :X ~~ likes that smile now
Literary Eagle: Hello again! I don't even know WHERE I got the idea for him to sing a song. ^^; Oh well, must have been sniffing something XD. Thanks!!! ^.^ I will keep up the work! And hopefully make it good!
Fiona: Still laughing? ^.^ Yay! I can't help but allow Hisoka to beat on him every so often (a.k.a. A LOT XD) I lost track too o___o;;; But thank you for telling me so that I know it's not just me XD;; I'll be sure to add a few names here and there so as not to confuse you. Still happy you liked it! Thanks! ^__^
Rinoa Redcloak: I wore those types of diapers too and I'm not that old either XD…Er…hopefully o_O; Depends on what you called "old" ^_^ Yes, I LOVE you fics *__* details…^_^ Two kids yourself? Gah, I FELL like I have my own kid (brother calls me 'mama' anyway XD;; ) So you can understand what it's like, ne? I hate checking for diaper sizes x___x Or deciding what food he wants. He CONSTANTLY changes his little crazy mind up. -_-; ANYWAY, THANKS A BUNCH! ^_^
