"I'll get straight to the point, Alan," said Mr. Haney, sitting at his desk in
the principal's office. "I'd like you to be the lead actor in the school
play."
Brain was astonished.
"But...Mr. Haney..."
"I know you can do this," said the principal.
"But I get stage fright easily," said Brain. "And I'm not a very good actor. I'm not nearly as good as Floyd Walton."
"Who, for unexplained reasons, has opted out. The play's only three weeks away. What I need now is not so much a good actor, as a good memorizer."
Brain leaned forward in his chair. "Yeah, I suppose I'm good at memorizing things..."
"You're the best," Mr. Haney exulted. "That's why I'm asking you to help. I'm running out of options, Alan."
Brain thought for a moment.
"All right," he said boldly. "I'll do it."
----
"How can you do this, Dashing Don Kindly?" cried Prunella, dressed in a spotted gown and tied to a pair of fake railroad tracks. "I thought you were a hero!"
"Oh, I was," said Brain flatly. He wore a plain yellow sweater and a baseball cap. "For years I wandered from county to county, rescuing helpless damsels from evil landlords. I learned all their secrets. I learned how they think. Then it finally occurred to me--I could make ten times as much money by using that knowledge to my advantage, and becoming an evil landlord myself. Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha."
"No, no, no!" exclaimed Mr. Haney from his chair in front of the stage. "You call that an evil laugh? I've got grandchildren more evil than that."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Haney," said Brain meekly.
"I guess memorizing lines isn't enough after all," the principal remarked. "Before we go any further, let's work on the laugh. Now, Alan, I want you to let loose with the most evil laugh you can manage."
"Bwahahaha," said Brain.
Mr. Haney waved his arms in disgust. "Oh, come on! You couldn't strike fear into the heart of an artichoke with a laugh like that."
Brain walked to the edge of the stage. "I'm sorry. I'm just no good at this. Can't you find somebody else?"
Mr. Haney sighed and started to think.
"Okay, Alan, let's approach this from a different direction. Now I want you to imagine that you're a great scientist. No, you're not just a great scientist, but the greatest scientific genius who has ever lived!"
Brain smiled. "Hmm..."
"Your inventions have led to new sources of energy and turned the tide of great wars. You are admired and loved the world over for your contributions to human knowledge."
"Yes," said Brain dreamily. "They love me."
"But there's just one problem," said Mr. Haney, who was now standing. "You're a little on the crazy side. No, worse. You are utterly, certifiably, stark raving insane!"
Brain started to chuckle wickedly.
"It's not enough to improve the world. You want to rule the world! Rule it... or destroy it!"
"Bwahaha!" laughed Brain more convincingly.
"And you have the perfect invention to carry out your evil plans...an orbiting mind control beam with an impenetrable force field! Nothing can stop you from turning the masses of humanity into your drooling zombie slaves!"
"MUWAHAHAHAHA!" Brain laughed. The rafters in the auditorium started to shake.
The sound of Brain's evil laughter echoed throughout the entire school. It was so horrifying that even Sue Ellen cringed and glanced around fearfully when she heard it. When Floyd heard the laughter that rightfully should have been his own, he shook his head sadly.
----
"The day finally came, and my dad and I packed our things and got ready to fly to Hollywood," said Arthur during his TV interview. "My whole family was proud of me. They watched us leave with tears in their eyes."
----
"I WANNA GO TO HOLLYWOOD!" screamed D.W., pounding the floor with her fists as tears streamed down her face.
Ignoring her daughter's tantrum, Mrs. Read waved goodbye as Mr. Read and Arthur drove away toward the airport. She then came back inside, lifted Kate from the floor, and placed her in the high chair for feeding.
"It's not fair!" D.W. ranted. "I wanna go too!"
"You're too young, and that's final," said Mrs. Read as she opened a can of baby food.
D.W., still crying, stood up and started to pound her fists on her mother's knees. "I'm not too young! I wasn't too young to go to Washington the Sea!"
"That's Washington, D.C.," Mrs. Read corrected her. "And we were only there one day. Arthur and your dad will be in Hollywood all weekend."
"It's not fair," D.W. moaned as she walked away, rubbing her eyes.
"I agree. It's not fair at all," said Mrs. Read as she started to fantasize...
Jane and Dave Read strolled hand in hand down the Walk of Fame, past Grauman's Chinese Theatre and the Roosevelt Hotel. A well-dressed rabbit woman came down the sidewalk towards them, talking on a cell phone.
"Look, Dave!" said Mrs. Read, pointing and smiling. "Here comes Julia Rabbits!"
Mr. Read pulled out his autograph book as Julia Rabbits stopped in front of them. "May we have your autograph, Ms. Rabbits?" he asked politely.
"Certainly," said Ms. Rabbits as she pulled a solid gold pen from her leather purse. "Gotta go. Fans," she said into the cell phone before hanging up.
"We just loved you in Erin Broccolivich," said Mrs. Read.
"Thanks," said Ms. Rabbits as she signed Mr. Read's book. "You don't know how much that means to me. By the way, would you happen to know of a good caterer? The one I've been working with has become undependable."
"I think we can help you there," said Mr. Read.
"Oh, and taxes are gonna be murder next year," Ms. Rabbits continued. "I could use some help from a real expert."
"I know just the person," said Mrs. Read.
"Thanks so much for the autograph," said Mr. Read.
"No trouble at all," said Ms. Rabbits. "Keep the pen," she added, handing the pen to Mr. Read.
As Ms. Rabbits walked away, Mr. Read examined the pen and found that her name was embossed on it, in beautiful cursive letters. "We'll treasure this forever," he said.
As the Reads continued their stroll down the Walk of Fame, Mr. Read became concerned. "I hope the children are all right."
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Mrs. Read. "I hired the best babysitter I could find."
Arthur and D.W. were seated at a table laden with all kinds of delicious food, in enormous quantities. They ate and ate, and were soon on their way to becoming morbidly obese.
"We should have invited Buster," said Arthur as he stuffed his mouth with strawberry pie.
"Who cares about going to Hollywood?" said D.W. as she licked the white frosting from the middle of an Oreo cookie.
Their babysitter, a hunchbacked crone wearing a black robe and hood, shuffled up to the table. "Yes, my dearies," she said in raspy voice. "Keep eating. There's plenty more."
D.W. spoke to her between mouthfuls of chocolate cake. "For someone who looks like a wicked old witch, you sure are a good cook."
"Thank you," said the old witch. "Yes, there's nothing I hate more than a skinny child."
She shuffled over to a crib where a now-overweight Baby Kate had sucked her bottle dry. "Done already?" said the crone, replacing the empty bottle with a completely full one. Kate seized it and began to suck again.
Pal, who had also put on a few pounds, tugged on the old woman's robe with his mouth. "More bacon?" she offered, handing the little dog a plate full of bacon strips.
The witch turned to face Arthur and D.W. again. "Yes, my dearies. Enjoy your dinner, and then I shall enjoy mine! Hee hee hee!"
Mrs. Read abruptly woke up, lifted her head, and wiped the drool from her cheek. "What a horrible dream," she said to herself.
----
Not long afterwards, Arthur and his father were seated together in the cabin of a jetliner, with Arthur in the window seat. Arthur was examining the contents of the seatback envelope, and suddenly pulled out a white paper bag. "What's this for, Dad?"
"It's a barf bag," Mr. Read explained.
"Cool," said Arthur, smiling. Then he became worried.
"Is airplane food really that bad?" he asked.
"No," said Mr. Read, chuckling. "It's for motion sickness."
"Oh, yeah."
Arthur and his father sat in silence for a few moments.
"You afraid?" asked Mr. Read.
"No," said Arthur. "Why should I be?"
"Well, for one thing," said Mr. Read, "the plane will reach a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet."
Arthur gasped in terror.
"What?" said Mr. Read.
Arthur became calm again. "Oh, cruising. For a minute I thought you said crushing."
Moments later the plane started to roll slowly down the runway, while the flight attendants presented the safety information.
Arthur gazed sleepily out the window of the plane...
...when suddenly a Binky-like green-skinned gremlin landed on the wing of the plane and started to rip off the metal panels. It looked through the window at Arthur and laughed wickedly.
"AAAARGH!" cried Arthur.
"What is it?" asked his father.
Arthur looked through the window again. The gremlin was gone, and the wing was in normal condition.
"Oh...nothing."
Arthur leaned back and relaxed as the plane took off into the sky, transporting him to his destiny...
(to be continued)
Brain was astonished.
"But...Mr. Haney..."
"I know you can do this," said the principal.
"But I get stage fright easily," said Brain. "And I'm not a very good actor. I'm not nearly as good as Floyd Walton."
"Who, for unexplained reasons, has opted out. The play's only three weeks away. What I need now is not so much a good actor, as a good memorizer."
Brain leaned forward in his chair. "Yeah, I suppose I'm good at memorizing things..."
"You're the best," Mr. Haney exulted. "That's why I'm asking you to help. I'm running out of options, Alan."
Brain thought for a moment.
"All right," he said boldly. "I'll do it."
----
"How can you do this, Dashing Don Kindly?" cried Prunella, dressed in a spotted gown and tied to a pair of fake railroad tracks. "I thought you were a hero!"
"Oh, I was," said Brain flatly. He wore a plain yellow sweater and a baseball cap. "For years I wandered from county to county, rescuing helpless damsels from evil landlords. I learned all their secrets. I learned how they think. Then it finally occurred to me--I could make ten times as much money by using that knowledge to my advantage, and becoming an evil landlord myself. Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha."
"No, no, no!" exclaimed Mr. Haney from his chair in front of the stage. "You call that an evil laugh? I've got grandchildren more evil than that."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Haney," said Brain meekly.
"I guess memorizing lines isn't enough after all," the principal remarked. "Before we go any further, let's work on the laugh. Now, Alan, I want you to let loose with the most evil laugh you can manage."
"Bwahahaha," said Brain.
Mr. Haney waved his arms in disgust. "Oh, come on! You couldn't strike fear into the heart of an artichoke with a laugh like that."
Brain walked to the edge of the stage. "I'm sorry. I'm just no good at this. Can't you find somebody else?"
Mr. Haney sighed and started to think.
"Okay, Alan, let's approach this from a different direction. Now I want you to imagine that you're a great scientist. No, you're not just a great scientist, but the greatest scientific genius who has ever lived!"
Brain smiled. "Hmm..."
"Your inventions have led to new sources of energy and turned the tide of great wars. You are admired and loved the world over for your contributions to human knowledge."
"Yes," said Brain dreamily. "They love me."
"But there's just one problem," said Mr. Haney, who was now standing. "You're a little on the crazy side. No, worse. You are utterly, certifiably, stark raving insane!"
Brain started to chuckle wickedly.
"It's not enough to improve the world. You want to rule the world! Rule it... or destroy it!"
"Bwahaha!" laughed Brain more convincingly.
"And you have the perfect invention to carry out your evil plans...an orbiting mind control beam with an impenetrable force field! Nothing can stop you from turning the masses of humanity into your drooling zombie slaves!"
"MUWAHAHAHAHA!" Brain laughed. The rafters in the auditorium started to shake.
The sound of Brain's evil laughter echoed throughout the entire school. It was so horrifying that even Sue Ellen cringed and glanced around fearfully when she heard it. When Floyd heard the laughter that rightfully should have been his own, he shook his head sadly.
----
"The day finally came, and my dad and I packed our things and got ready to fly to Hollywood," said Arthur during his TV interview. "My whole family was proud of me. They watched us leave with tears in their eyes."
----
"I WANNA GO TO HOLLYWOOD!" screamed D.W., pounding the floor with her fists as tears streamed down her face.
Ignoring her daughter's tantrum, Mrs. Read waved goodbye as Mr. Read and Arthur drove away toward the airport. She then came back inside, lifted Kate from the floor, and placed her in the high chair for feeding.
"It's not fair!" D.W. ranted. "I wanna go too!"
"You're too young, and that's final," said Mrs. Read as she opened a can of baby food.
D.W., still crying, stood up and started to pound her fists on her mother's knees. "I'm not too young! I wasn't too young to go to Washington the Sea!"
"That's Washington, D.C.," Mrs. Read corrected her. "And we were only there one day. Arthur and your dad will be in Hollywood all weekend."
"It's not fair," D.W. moaned as she walked away, rubbing her eyes.
"I agree. It's not fair at all," said Mrs. Read as she started to fantasize...
Jane and Dave Read strolled hand in hand down the Walk of Fame, past Grauman's Chinese Theatre and the Roosevelt Hotel. A well-dressed rabbit woman came down the sidewalk towards them, talking on a cell phone.
"Look, Dave!" said Mrs. Read, pointing and smiling. "Here comes Julia Rabbits!"
Mr. Read pulled out his autograph book as Julia Rabbits stopped in front of them. "May we have your autograph, Ms. Rabbits?" he asked politely.
"Certainly," said Ms. Rabbits as she pulled a solid gold pen from her leather purse. "Gotta go. Fans," she said into the cell phone before hanging up.
"We just loved you in Erin Broccolivich," said Mrs. Read.
"Thanks," said Ms. Rabbits as she signed Mr. Read's book. "You don't know how much that means to me. By the way, would you happen to know of a good caterer? The one I've been working with has become undependable."
"I think we can help you there," said Mr. Read.
"Oh, and taxes are gonna be murder next year," Ms. Rabbits continued. "I could use some help from a real expert."
"I know just the person," said Mrs. Read.
"Thanks so much for the autograph," said Mr. Read.
"No trouble at all," said Ms. Rabbits. "Keep the pen," she added, handing the pen to Mr. Read.
As Ms. Rabbits walked away, Mr. Read examined the pen and found that her name was embossed on it, in beautiful cursive letters. "We'll treasure this forever," he said.
As the Reads continued their stroll down the Walk of Fame, Mr. Read became concerned. "I hope the children are all right."
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Mrs. Read. "I hired the best babysitter I could find."
Arthur and D.W. were seated at a table laden with all kinds of delicious food, in enormous quantities. They ate and ate, and were soon on their way to becoming morbidly obese.
"We should have invited Buster," said Arthur as he stuffed his mouth with strawberry pie.
"Who cares about going to Hollywood?" said D.W. as she licked the white frosting from the middle of an Oreo cookie.
Their babysitter, a hunchbacked crone wearing a black robe and hood, shuffled up to the table. "Yes, my dearies," she said in raspy voice. "Keep eating. There's plenty more."
D.W. spoke to her between mouthfuls of chocolate cake. "For someone who looks like a wicked old witch, you sure are a good cook."
"Thank you," said the old witch. "Yes, there's nothing I hate more than a skinny child."
She shuffled over to a crib where a now-overweight Baby Kate had sucked her bottle dry. "Done already?" said the crone, replacing the empty bottle with a completely full one. Kate seized it and began to suck again.
Pal, who had also put on a few pounds, tugged on the old woman's robe with his mouth. "More bacon?" she offered, handing the little dog a plate full of bacon strips.
The witch turned to face Arthur and D.W. again. "Yes, my dearies. Enjoy your dinner, and then I shall enjoy mine! Hee hee hee!"
Mrs. Read abruptly woke up, lifted her head, and wiped the drool from her cheek. "What a horrible dream," she said to herself.
----
Not long afterwards, Arthur and his father were seated together in the cabin of a jetliner, with Arthur in the window seat. Arthur was examining the contents of the seatback envelope, and suddenly pulled out a white paper bag. "What's this for, Dad?"
"It's a barf bag," Mr. Read explained.
"Cool," said Arthur, smiling. Then he became worried.
"Is airplane food really that bad?" he asked.
"No," said Mr. Read, chuckling. "It's for motion sickness."
"Oh, yeah."
Arthur and his father sat in silence for a few moments.
"You afraid?" asked Mr. Read.
"No," said Arthur. "Why should I be?"
"Well, for one thing," said Mr. Read, "the plane will reach a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet."
Arthur gasped in terror.
"What?" said Mr. Read.
Arthur became calm again. "Oh, cruising. For a minute I thought you said crushing."
Moments later the plane started to roll slowly down the runway, while the flight attendants presented the safety information.
Arthur gazed sleepily out the window of the plane...
...when suddenly a Binky-like green-skinned gremlin landed on the wing of the plane and started to rip off the metal panels. It looked through the window at Arthur and laughed wickedly.
"AAAARGH!" cried Arthur.
"What is it?" asked his father.
Arthur looked through the window again. The gremlin was gone, and the wing was in normal condition.
"Oh...nothing."
Arthur leaned back and relaxed as the plane took off into the sky, transporting him to his destiny...
(to be continued)
