The kids gasped in surprise upon hearing Mr. Ratburn's revelation. Francine
backed away from him and Ms. Ropeburn.
"That's right," he started to explain. "Rodentia's not my only sister. I have a twin. The reason you don't know about her is because we Ratburns no longer acknowledge her. She's brought nothing but shame on the family."
Instead of responding, Ms. Ropeburn simply folded her arms and glowered.
"But you don't have the same last name," Francine observed.
"She's changed her name before to hide from the law," said Mr. Ratburn bitterly. "After she and her peace-loving friends sabotaged a missile silo."
Minerva walked up to Ms. Ropeburn, looking concerned. "Is that really true?"
Ms. Ropeburn didn't answer.
"Oh, it's true, all right," Mr. Ratburn went on. "My twin sister has led an exciting, colorful life. And now she's landed here in Town City, right under my nose."
"Your nose covers a wide area, Nigel," Ms. Ropeburn quipped.
"I should have expected to find you here," Mr. Ratburn said to her. "Only a city like this one would put up with your eccentricities. Only a city like this one would hire you as a teacher of children!"
"I'm a facilitator," Ms. Ropeburn corrected him.
"There you go again with the F-word," Mr. Ratburn castigated her. "I don't care what you call yourself. I'm going to personally see to it that you are thrown out of your job, and that you never again have the opportunity to corrupt young minds."
"I've endured enough of this!" Ms. Ropeburn turned and stormed out the door of the apartment.
Francine and Minerva looked at Mr. Ratburn with a mixture of wonder and hope. The other kids, and Mrs. Frensky, had confused expressions.
"Can you do that?" Francine asked Mr. Ratburn. "Can you get Ms. Ropeburn fired?"
"Where there's a will, there's a way," said Mr. Ratburn with determination.
----
"When I look back, I wish I could have gone on that trip," said Arthur into the microphone. "Not only did my friends get to see Francine again, but they met Mr. Ratburn's long-list twin sister. That must have been weird. I guess they didn't get along well. Mr. Ratburn acted differently that week. And speaking of acting, that was also the week of the school play..."
----
In the Lakewood Elementary auditorium, the kids had started to assemble for the school play. Behind the drawn curtain, the cast and crew hurriedly made last-minute preparations.
In one of the seats near the back sat Floyd Walton, who looked almost embarrassed to be present. Arthur had been stuck with the lead role due to his inaction, and now he was starting to wonder what kind of experience he was in for.
Dozens of children streamed into the hall, including Sue Ellen, who came and sat next to Floyd. "Hi, Floyd," she greeted him.
"Hey, Sue Ellen," Floyd responded, a little gloomily.
Sue Ellen looked at the program she had been given, and noticed Arthur Read's name at the top of the roster of actors.
"That should have been you," she remarked.
"I suppose so," said Floyd noncommittally.
The two kids sat in silence for a few moments.
Then Floyd spoke up. "So, are you expecting a lot of people at your mom's rally tomorrow?"
"She booked a hall with eight hundred seats," Sue Ellen replied, "but I doubt we'll get that many."
At that moment Mr. Haney walked on to the front of the stage, dressed in an old Western outfit, while Mrs. MacGrady played piano accompaniment.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls," he announced into the microphone, "if you will all kindly direct your attention to the front of the auditorium, I will tell you a tale of sorrow and joy, of tragedy and triumph! A tale of dashing heroes and despicable villains! A tale that will stay in your memory forever...whether you like it or not! A tale called, Have Rent...Will Travel!"
The curtain opened, revealing a facade of an old Western town, with kids in period garb milling about. The signs on the false fronts read SALOON, OPRY HOUSE, HEARTBREAK JUNCTION TRAIN STATION.
Mr. Haney strolled through the town, continuing to narrate. "Welcome to Heartbreak Junction, Kansas. Folks come here lookin' for gold, but don't find none, and don't have enough money to leave. But that's fine and dandy, 'cause this here's a right nice place to live...assumin' you can afford the rent."
A backdrop rolled down in front of the false buildings, creating the illusion of being inside a finely furnished house. Two chairs and an end table were carried onto the stage by a pair of stage hands. Prunella, wearing a spotted gown, entered and sat down in one of the chairs, followed by another girl wearing a shawl and made up to look like a middle-aged woman. Once she was seated, Prunella began to recite her lines.
"Oh, mother, I fear that father has completely lost his mind. All he can do is wander the hills searching for gold. He doesn't eat. He doesn't sleep. He doesn't bathe...ewww!"
"He doesn't make whoopee, either," said the other girl. The kids in the audience laughed.
"And every day he comes home with nothing to show for his efforts," Prunella continued. "Alas, I fear we shall starve if we remain here. How much train fare can we afford?"
"Only enough to get us to Dead Man's Hollow, or maybe Desperation Gulch."
"Whoever comes up with these names obviously doesn't write travel brochures," Prunella quipped. The kids laughed again.
There was a knock on the door...or, more accurately, the wall at the side of the stage. "Come in," said Prunella sweetly.
Onto the stage marched Rattles, dressed in a black suit, black hat, and false twirly moustache.
"Oh, my stars!" cried Prunella, alarmed. "It's Duncan Dreadful, the evil landlord!" The kids started to boo loudly.
"Miss Bickleton, I see that you are two weeks behind on your rent," said Rattles to Prunella in a nasty voice.
"My mother is in charge of such pecuniary matters," Prunella answered.
"This is no longer about money," said Rattles sinisterly. "According to your rental agreement, I have every right to evict you, and you have no recourse."
Prunella became desperate. "Oh, Mr. Dreadful, will you not have mercy? Surely somewhere in your heart of stone lies a long-dormant spark of humanity."
"Indeed," said Rattles, twirling his fake moustache. "I might be persuaded to waive the deadline for your rental payment, on one very generous condition..."
"Which is?" Prunella started to look hopeful again.
"Your hand in marriage!"
The kids started to boo again. Mrs. MacGrady plunked out dark, somber tones on the piano.
"Never!" cried Prunella. "I'd rather...I'd rather..."
"Die?" Rattles suggested.
"Well, maybe that's going to extremes," said Prunella with her tongue firmly planted in her cheek.
"Think it over," said Rattles. "You have ten seconds before I call in my boys, and they throw you and your furniture into the street."
Several seconds went by as Prunella pondered her situation.
"Well?" said Rattles impatiently.
"I will never marry you!" Prunella proclaimed.
"Is that your...final answer?"
"Yes! Yes, it is!"
"Very well." Rattles called to someone off the stage. "Come on, boys!"
Suddenly Mrs. MacGrady started playing heroic music, and Arthur, in the guise of Dashing Don Kindly, leaped onto the stage. He was dressed in a plaid shirt and jeans, and was wearing his glasses.
The crowd of kids went wild with cheering and applause.
"Awright, Arthur!" Buster cried out.
"Go, Cyberpunk!" Muffy shouted.
When the cheering died down, Prunella clutched her heart and smiled ecstatically. "Dashing Don Kindly! I am saved!"
Rattles scowled at the newcomer. "Just who are you supposed to be?"
"Here's my card," said Arthur in a heroic voice as he handed Rattles a business card.
"Dashing Don Kindly," Rattles read. "Helpless damsels rescued. Evil landlords foiled. Good deeds done. Have rent, will travel."
"I hope I'm not too late," said Arthur to Prunella, who gazed at him fondly. "Did he ask you to marry him?"
"Yes," said Prunella proudly, "but I staunchly refused him."
"Great," Arthur remarked. "Then we're legit. Now, Mr. Dreadful, how much is Miss Bickleton in arrears?"
"Thirty-two dollars," said Rattles.
Arthur pulled a few bills of play money from his pocket and handed it to Rattles. "This should cover it."
Rattles greedily flipped the money in his hand. "Yes, that will do nicely."
As he started to walk off the stage, Arthur called after him. "Aren't you forgetting something?"
"Oh, yes," said Rattles, stopping. "Curses! Foiled again!"
As Rattles left the stage, Prunella started to thank Arthur profusely and kiss him on the cheek.
"Uh...Miss Bickleton, I'm afraid I'm spoken for," said Arthur.
Prunella slapped her forehead. "D'oh!"
"You were lucky this time," Arthur advised her. "But remember, many unhappy marriages can be avoided by helpless damsels who pay their rent on time. Now I must be on my way."
"Won't you stay for dinner?" Prunella asked eagerly. "My mother can whip up a mean baba ganoush."
"Your offer is kind," said Arthur as he held his hand to his ear, "but at this very moment I can hear the pleading cries of other helpless damsels."
"Very well," said Prunella disappointedly. "But may I ask you one question before you go?"
"And that is?"
"Where do you get all that money?"
Arthur paused for a moment. "I...can't tell you."
And with that, Dashing Don Kindly hurried off the stage and toward his destiny.
Prunella gazed longingly after him. "Oh, what a charming, handsome, rich man. He's not getting away from me that easily!"
The curtain fell on the first act, as the kids cheered enthusiastically.
Floyd stared at the curtain in utter astonishment. Arthur's performance had been virtually flawless and utterly convincing...in other words, not exactly what he had expected.
Soon the play's conclusion was in progress, and Arthur's acting remained at its high level.
"...and then it occurred to me that I could make ten times as much money by using that knowledge to my advantage, and becoming an evil landlord myself! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Arthur's evil laugh seemed to make the chairs quake underneath the kids in the audience. When it was over, they cheered and applauded.
Arthur smiled at the audience knowingly. "You're supposed to boo, you know."
The audience booed obligingly.
Prunella, tied to a pair of fake railroad ties, wailed in despair. "Alas, I am doomed! Is there no real hero to save me?"
Suddenly a man in a blue and red costume leaped onto the stage.
The kids in the audience couldn't believe their eyes.
It was Wilbur Rabbit himself...as Bionic Bunny!
After overcoming their initial shock, the kids went crazy with applause and cheers.
Wilbur grinned and raised his hand. "Please, stop. I get enough of that from grateful townspeople."
Arthur, as the turncoat villain Dashing Don Kindly, scowled at Bionic Bunny. "You can't stop me. You don't exist yet!"
"Oh, chill out," said Wilbur as he untied Prunella from the railroad track.
"Thank you, kind sir," said Prunella, and then she kissed Wilbur on the cheek.
"No problem at all," said Wilbur, blushing. "Now, I must be on my way. My sensitive bionic ears are picking up the cries of citizens in danger!"
As Wilbur leaped off the stage, Prunella gazed after him longingly. "He's not getting away from me that easily," she said as she rushed off the stage.
"Curses!" cried Arthur furiously. "Double curses! Curses to infinity!"
The curtain closed to the accompaniment of the kids' applause and Mrs. MacGrady's piano playing.
As the curtain call ended, Floyd was overcome with emotion, almost to the point of tears.
"You okay?" Sue Ellen asked him.
He turned to her. "Uh...about that tae kwon do lesson I asked you for..."
"What?"
"Forget about it." Floyd rose from his seat and was quickly gone.
A few minutes later, Arthur had changed out of his costume and was making his way toward the school exit. He wondered how Wilbur Rabbit had made it out without being stopped by autograph-hungry students.
"Awesome job, Arthur!" Buster said to him, giving him a high-five.
"I knew you could do it," Fern congratulated him.
When Arthur was halfway to the exit, he found Floyd standing in front of him.
"Arthur?"
"What?"
Floyd's tone of voice was almost reverential.
"Do you think you can teach me to act as well as you do?"
Arthur smiled bashfully.
"I can try."
(to be continued)
"That's right," he started to explain. "Rodentia's not my only sister. I have a twin. The reason you don't know about her is because we Ratburns no longer acknowledge her. She's brought nothing but shame on the family."
Instead of responding, Ms. Ropeburn simply folded her arms and glowered.
"But you don't have the same last name," Francine observed.
"She's changed her name before to hide from the law," said Mr. Ratburn bitterly. "After she and her peace-loving friends sabotaged a missile silo."
Minerva walked up to Ms. Ropeburn, looking concerned. "Is that really true?"
Ms. Ropeburn didn't answer.
"Oh, it's true, all right," Mr. Ratburn went on. "My twin sister has led an exciting, colorful life. And now she's landed here in Town City, right under my nose."
"Your nose covers a wide area, Nigel," Ms. Ropeburn quipped.
"I should have expected to find you here," Mr. Ratburn said to her. "Only a city like this one would put up with your eccentricities. Only a city like this one would hire you as a teacher of children!"
"I'm a facilitator," Ms. Ropeburn corrected him.
"There you go again with the F-word," Mr. Ratburn castigated her. "I don't care what you call yourself. I'm going to personally see to it that you are thrown out of your job, and that you never again have the opportunity to corrupt young minds."
"I've endured enough of this!" Ms. Ropeburn turned and stormed out the door of the apartment.
Francine and Minerva looked at Mr. Ratburn with a mixture of wonder and hope. The other kids, and Mrs. Frensky, had confused expressions.
"Can you do that?" Francine asked Mr. Ratburn. "Can you get Ms. Ropeburn fired?"
"Where there's a will, there's a way," said Mr. Ratburn with determination.
----
"When I look back, I wish I could have gone on that trip," said Arthur into the microphone. "Not only did my friends get to see Francine again, but they met Mr. Ratburn's long-list twin sister. That must have been weird. I guess they didn't get along well. Mr. Ratburn acted differently that week. And speaking of acting, that was also the week of the school play..."
----
In the Lakewood Elementary auditorium, the kids had started to assemble for the school play. Behind the drawn curtain, the cast and crew hurriedly made last-minute preparations.
In one of the seats near the back sat Floyd Walton, who looked almost embarrassed to be present. Arthur had been stuck with the lead role due to his inaction, and now he was starting to wonder what kind of experience he was in for.
Dozens of children streamed into the hall, including Sue Ellen, who came and sat next to Floyd. "Hi, Floyd," she greeted him.
"Hey, Sue Ellen," Floyd responded, a little gloomily.
Sue Ellen looked at the program she had been given, and noticed Arthur Read's name at the top of the roster of actors.
"That should have been you," she remarked.
"I suppose so," said Floyd noncommittally.
The two kids sat in silence for a few moments.
Then Floyd spoke up. "So, are you expecting a lot of people at your mom's rally tomorrow?"
"She booked a hall with eight hundred seats," Sue Ellen replied, "but I doubt we'll get that many."
At that moment Mr. Haney walked on to the front of the stage, dressed in an old Western outfit, while Mrs. MacGrady played piano accompaniment.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls," he announced into the microphone, "if you will all kindly direct your attention to the front of the auditorium, I will tell you a tale of sorrow and joy, of tragedy and triumph! A tale of dashing heroes and despicable villains! A tale that will stay in your memory forever...whether you like it or not! A tale called, Have Rent...Will Travel!"
The curtain opened, revealing a facade of an old Western town, with kids in period garb milling about. The signs on the false fronts read SALOON, OPRY HOUSE, HEARTBREAK JUNCTION TRAIN STATION.
Mr. Haney strolled through the town, continuing to narrate. "Welcome to Heartbreak Junction, Kansas. Folks come here lookin' for gold, but don't find none, and don't have enough money to leave. But that's fine and dandy, 'cause this here's a right nice place to live...assumin' you can afford the rent."
A backdrop rolled down in front of the false buildings, creating the illusion of being inside a finely furnished house. Two chairs and an end table were carried onto the stage by a pair of stage hands. Prunella, wearing a spotted gown, entered and sat down in one of the chairs, followed by another girl wearing a shawl and made up to look like a middle-aged woman. Once she was seated, Prunella began to recite her lines.
"Oh, mother, I fear that father has completely lost his mind. All he can do is wander the hills searching for gold. He doesn't eat. He doesn't sleep. He doesn't bathe...ewww!"
"He doesn't make whoopee, either," said the other girl. The kids in the audience laughed.
"And every day he comes home with nothing to show for his efforts," Prunella continued. "Alas, I fear we shall starve if we remain here. How much train fare can we afford?"
"Only enough to get us to Dead Man's Hollow, or maybe Desperation Gulch."
"Whoever comes up with these names obviously doesn't write travel brochures," Prunella quipped. The kids laughed again.
There was a knock on the door...or, more accurately, the wall at the side of the stage. "Come in," said Prunella sweetly.
Onto the stage marched Rattles, dressed in a black suit, black hat, and false twirly moustache.
"Oh, my stars!" cried Prunella, alarmed. "It's Duncan Dreadful, the evil landlord!" The kids started to boo loudly.
"Miss Bickleton, I see that you are two weeks behind on your rent," said Rattles to Prunella in a nasty voice.
"My mother is in charge of such pecuniary matters," Prunella answered.
"This is no longer about money," said Rattles sinisterly. "According to your rental agreement, I have every right to evict you, and you have no recourse."
Prunella became desperate. "Oh, Mr. Dreadful, will you not have mercy? Surely somewhere in your heart of stone lies a long-dormant spark of humanity."
"Indeed," said Rattles, twirling his fake moustache. "I might be persuaded to waive the deadline for your rental payment, on one very generous condition..."
"Which is?" Prunella started to look hopeful again.
"Your hand in marriage!"
The kids started to boo again. Mrs. MacGrady plunked out dark, somber tones on the piano.
"Never!" cried Prunella. "I'd rather...I'd rather..."
"Die?" Rattles suggested.
"Well, maybe that's going to extremes," said Prunella with her tongue firmly planted in her cheek.
"Think it over," said Rattles. "You have ten seconds before I call in my boys, and they throw you and your furniture into the street."
Several seconds went by as Prunella pondered her situation.
"Well?" said Rattles impatiently.
"I will never marry you!" Prunella proclaimed.
"Is that your...final answer?"
"Yes! Yes, it is!"
"Very well." Rattles called to someone off the stage. "Come on, boys!"
Suddenly Mrs. MacGrady started playing heroic music, and Arthur, in the guise of Dashing Don Kindly, leaped onto the stage. He was dressed in a plaid shirt and jeans, and was wearing his glasses.
The crowd of kids went wild with cheering and applause.
"Awright, Arthur!" Buster cried out.
"Go, Cyberpunk!" Muffy shouted.
When the cheering died down, Prunella clutched her heart and smiled ecstatically. "Dashing Don Kindly! I am saved!"
Rattles scowled at the newcomer. "Just who are you supposed to be?"
"Here's my card," said Arthur in a heroic voice as he handed Rattles a business card.
"Dashing Don Kindly," Rattles read. "Helpless damsels rescued. Evil landlords foiled. Good deeds done. Have rent, will travel."
"I hope I'm not too late," said Arthur to Prunella, who gazed at him fondly. "Did he ask you to marry him?"
"Yes," said Prunella proudly, "but I staunchly refused him."
"Great," Arthur remarked. "Then we're legit. Now, Mr. Dreadful, how much is Miss Bickleton in arrears?"
"Thirty-two dollars," said Rattles.
Arthur pulled a few bills of play money from his pocket and handed it to Rattles. "This should cover it."
Rattles greedily flipped the money in his hand. "Yes, that will do nicely."
As he started to walk off the stage, Arthur called after him. "Aren't you forgetting something?"
"Oh, yes," said Rattles, stopping. "Curses! Foiled again!"
As Rattles left the stage, Prunella started to thank Arthur profusely and kiss him on the cheek.
"Uh...Miss Bickleton, I'm afraid I'm spoken for," said Arthur.
Prunella slapped her forehead. "D'oh!"
"You were lucky this time," Arthur advised her. "But remember, many unhappy marriages can be avoided by helpless damsels who pay their rent on time. Now I must be on my way."
"Won't you stay for dinner?" Prunella asked eagerly. "My mother can whip up a mean baba ganoush."
"Your offer is kind," said Arthur as he held his hand to his ear, "but at this very moment I can hear the pleading cries of other helpless damsels."
"Very well," said Prunella disappointedly. "But may I ask you one question before you go?"
"And that is?"
"Where do you get all that money?"
Arthur paused for a moment. "I...can't tell you."
And with that, Dashing Don Kindly hurried off the stage and toward his destiny.
Prunella gazed longingly after him. "Oh, what a charming, handsome, rich man. He's not getting away from me that easily!"
The curtain fell on the first act, as the kids cheered enthusiastically.
Floyd stared at the curtain in utter astonishment. Arthur's performance had been virtually flawless and utterly convincing...in other words, not exactly what he had expected.
Soon the play's conclusion was in progress, and Arthur's acting remained at its high level.
"...and then it occurred to me that I could make ten times as much money by using that knowledge to my advantage, and becoming an evil landlord myself! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Arthur's evil laugh seemed to make the chairs quake underneath the kids in the audience. When it was over, they cheered and applauded.
Arthur smiled at the audience knowingly. "You're supposed to boo, you know."
The audience booed obligingly.
Prunella, tied to a pair of fake railroad ties, wailed in despair. "Alas, I am doomed! Is there no real hero to save me?"
Suddenly a man in a blue and red costume leaped onto the stage.
The kids in the audience couldn't believe their eyes.
It was Wilbur Rabbit himself...as Bionic Bunny!
After overcoming their initial shock, the kids went crazy with applause and cheers.
Wilbur grinned and raised his hand. "Please, stop. I get enough of that from grateful townspeople."
Arthur, as the turncoat villain Dashing Don Kindly, scowled at Bionic Bunny. "You can't stop me. You don't exist yet!"
"Oh, chill out," said Wilbur as he untied Prunella from the railroad track.
"Thank you, kind sir," said Prunella, and then she kissed Wilbur on the cheek.
"No problem at all," said Wilbur, blushing. "Now, I must be on my way. My sensitive bionic ears are picking up the cries of citizens in danger!"
As Wilbur leaped off the stage, Prunella gazed after him longingly. "He's not getting away from me that easily," she said as she rushed off the stage.
"Curses!" cried Arthur furiously. "Double curses! Curses to infinity!"
The curtain closed to the accompaniment of the kids' applause and Mrs. MacGrady's piano playing.
As the curtain call ended, Floyd was overcome with emotion, almost to the point of tears.
"You okay?" Sue Ellen asked him.
He turned to her. "Uh...about that tae kwon do lesson I asked you for..."
"What?"
"Forget about it." Floyd rose from his seat and was quickly gone.
A few minutes later, Arthur had changed out of his costume and was making his way toward the school exit. He wondered how Wilbur Rabbit had made it out without being stopped by autograph-hungry students.
"Awesome job, Arthur!" Buster said to him, giving him a high-five.
"I knew you could do it," Fern congratulated him.
When Arthur was halfway to the exit, he found Floyd standing in front of him.
"Arthur?"
"What?"
Floyd's tone of voice was almost reverential.
"Do you think you can teach me to act as well as you do?"
Arthur smiled bashfully.
"I can try."
(to be continued)
