One of the very best chapters in the book! The Marauders Map!
Remus is reading The BFG from Roald Dahl, and human beans are of course human beings. The BFG has a strange way of talking…
March 1994.
"Mr Moony presents his compliments to professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
The news that Harry had a Firebolt spread through the school like wildfire. Professor McGonagall had given it back to him just after Harry's last Anti-Dementor lesson before the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match. Harry had taken his broom with him when he'd came down for breakfast on the morning of the Quidditch match, and the Slytherins had almost literally turned green with envy.
Remus could feel the excitement as he walked to the Quidditch pitch, surrounded by large groups of students. The Gryffindors and Ravenclaws were all dressed in their house-colours and chanting slogans to the members of the rivalling house about how great their own team was and how sure it was that they were going to win. There was a sense of festivity that could raise everyone's spirits.
"Professor Lupin!" He turned around and saw four girls running to catch up with him. Apart from their blue-and-silver scarves, they were also clutching Ravenclaw banners. My fanclub, he thought, not without amusement. It was endearing to see how much they admired him, even though they had virtually no chance whatsoever.
"Goodmorning," he said when they'd caught up with him.
"Hi," said Lara, the most talkative of the four. Even though she was gasping for breath, as she was now, she could never hold her tongue. "You're going to the match too?"
"It appears that I am," he said cheerfully.
"D´you want to walk with us to the pitch?" Judy, the shortest of them, asked eagerly.
"Sure, why not," he agreed, and continued walking with the four girls at his side.
"And who'll you be cheering for?" Lara asked. She waved her Ravenclaw banner as to make him say 'Ravenclaw, of course'.
"I'm always cheering for whoever has the Quaffle at that moment," he answered diplomatically. And it was true; when he had no real favourite, he simply cheered for whoever had the most chance to win. That way, he was practically never disappointed at the outcome of the game. Of course, this time he had a favourite – Gryffindor – but he was wiser than to tell them that.
"Gryffindor has Harry Potter's Firebolt," Lucy, a blonde girl with glasses, said somewhat sadly. "We're gonna have a hard time defeating that…"
"But we got Cho Chang!" Lara immediately replied. "And the skills of a Seeker don't just depend on how fast their broom is! Don't you agree, professor?" she turned to Remus.
"Yes, of course," he said, feeling a little bewildered because he was drawn into their conversation so suddenly. "Seekers also need good eyes and such…" He drawled off uncertainly, but they didn't notice it. They kept on arguing about Seekers, Firebolts and Snitches until they reached the Quidditch pitch. There they said farewell to Remus, who climbed up the many stairs to his seat, while they went to sit with the other members of their house – and discuss 'cute professor Lupin' of course.
The view from up on the highest stand was fantastic. Way below, Remus could see the last few students walk towards the pitch, colourful banners in their hands. The Ravenclaws were a huge blurry mass of blue, while the other side of the stands was completely red and gold, courtesy of the Gryffindors.
"There you are," professor Flitwick greeted when Remus sat down beside him. "I understand you are an enemy of mine when it comes to Quidditch." Flitwick was Head of Ravenclaw.
"Of course," Remus said casually. "Gryffindor´s gonna beat Ravenclaw to pulp."
"Oh really?" Flitwick replied. "How do you know? Are you Trelawney in disguise?"
"That's an insult, Remus," said professor Vector, who was sitting behind the two. "Don't let him say that to you."
Their conversation was cut off by the thunderous applause the students gave the two Quidditch teams. The fourteen blue- and red-cladded players marched onto the field, together with Madam Hooch, the referee. The two captains of the teams shook hands, Madam Hooch blew her whistle and the fourteen players and she kicked off from the ground. Lee Jordan's commentary filled the air. "They're off, and the big excitement this match is the Firebolt that Harry Potter is flying for Gryffindor" he told the cheering crowd as the Quidditch players flew around. "According to Which Broomstick, the Firebolt's going to be the broom of choice for the national teams at this year's World Championship –"
"Jordan, would you mind telling us what's going on in the match?" interrupted Professor McGonagall. She was standing next to Lee, keeping a close and stern eye on what he was saying. Lee didn't seem impressed by what she just said, however.
"Right you are, Professor – just giving a bit of background information – the Firebolt, incidentally, has a built-in auto-brake and –"
"Jordan!"
"Okay, okay, Gryffindor in possession, Katie Bell of Gryffindor, heading for goal..."
Remus took a pair of Omnioculars and searched for Harry. The boy was sitting on his Firebolt as if it was a comfortable chair that was standing firmly on the ground and not floating more than fifty feet above the ground. He was frantically scanning the pitch for the Snitch, followed closely by the Ravenclaw seeker, Cho Chang. One of the Weasley twins, Fred or George, it was hard to tell, whirled past Harry, and he yelled something to the Seeker. Remus couldn't hear exactly, but he thought it had something to do with acceleration. Harry had undoubtedly listened, because he sped up. Cho couldn't keep up with him and she fell behind.
The Gryffindors roared when Katie Bell scored the first goal of that match. Lee Jordan told the crowd that the score was now 10-0 for Gryffindor – as if they didn't knew.
Remus kept looking at Harry, and thus noticed almost before the rest of the spectators did, that Harry had seen the Snitch. The Seeker dived down towards one of the barriers. Cho Chang sped after him but her broom was no match for his Firebolt. Remus was sure Harry could catch the Snitch, but when the boy was not even ten feet away, one of the Ravenclaw Beaters interfered. He hit a Bludger towards Harry, who was forced to jerk to the side to avoid it. The Snitch disappeared, much to the – clearly audible – disappointment of the crowd. The Ravenclaws, however, cheered their Beater on. George Weasley let off steam by hitting a Bludger directly to the offending Ravenclaw Beater, who ducked the Bludger.
Now the Snitch was gone, Remus paid attention again to Lee Jordan, for the first time in minutes.
"Gryffindor leads by eighty points to zero," he told the crowd, "and look at that Firebolt go! Potter's really putting it through its paces now, see it turn – Chang's Comet is just no match for it, the Firebolt's precision-balance is really noticeable in these long –"
"JORDAN! ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS? GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!" Professor McGonagall was looking quite angry now.
Ravenclaw was now fighting back; after having scored three goals, Gryffindor was only fifty points ahead of them. Professor Flitwick was getting more cheerful as the Ravenclaw Keeper blocked more goals.
"Looks like we're not going to be pulp after all," he bellowed over the roaring crowd. Remus gritted his teeth. "We'll see about that," he yelled back.
It was amazing how easily he got absorbed into the game – he didn't consider himself a Quidditch fanatic, but the way he was following the players with his eyes was bordering on fanaticism.
Harry was still looking for the Snitch. One time, it looked as if he was going to catch it, but Cho Chang blocked him. Remus cursed while Flitwick was cheering. Professor Vector was merely shaking her head and grinning at the two of them.
Harry dived again and Cho followed him on his tail. Remus looked at where he expected to see the Snitch, but there was nothing.
"It appears your Seeker needs new glasses!" Flitwick commented grinning. "There is no Snitch."
"Shut up," Remus half-growled. His mind was working overtime, trying to figure out what Harry was up to. He followed both Seekers with his Omnioculars. Almost to his shock, Harry pulled up almost at the very last moment, hurtling upwards. Cho almost crashed into the ground but managed to pull up at the last moment.
"You were saying?" Remus yelled excitedly at Flitwick. "That's a Wronski Feint!" He was practically bouncing up and down, but hardly anyone noticed because they were cheering Harry on. The Gryffindor Seeker had seen the Snitch for the third time and was flying at top-speed towards the small golden ball.
"Look, there!" Flitwick suddenly shrieked, and he pulled Remus' sleeve. Remus looked –
"Not now!" he said. Three Dementors were standing at the edge of the pitch, looking up at Harry.
The next few moments seemed to pass in slow-motion. Remus took out his wand to take on the Dementors himself – even though they were too far away for him. At the same moment, Harry had also whipped out his wand and yelled the incantation. Remus froze when he saw a perfect Patronus emerge from Harry's wand. He was even more stunned when he saw the shape Harry's Patronus took – a stag.
"Prongs!" he gasped.
"What's that?" said Flitwick frowning, but Remus didn't hear him. He jumped to his feet and practically ran down the stairs, to the pitch, hoping to get there while the Patronus was still visible. He had to see it for himself, he needed to see the stag more closely…
Prongs, it's Prongs, it kept echoing in his head. How can that be? The shape of a Patronus is different to everyone who conjures it. Why has Harry's taken this particular shape?
He arrived just in time at the bottom of the stairs to see Harry close his hand around the Snitch. The Quidditch pitch almost exploded with the roar of the Gryffindor students. Remus' eyes shot to where the Dementors had been – and was amazed to see them lying in a heap on the ground. When the head of Draco Malfoy suddenly appeared from under the black robes, Remus understood. It had been a trick, it had all been a trick to distract Harry and sabotage the game. Apparently, professor McGonagall had understood this as well, because she was practically stamping towards Malfoy, his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, and Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch Captain. Still gasping for breath after his running down the stairs and the shock he had just had after seeing Harry's Patronus, Remus started to laugh with relief.
Harry and the other members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team had come down and were surrounded by their housemembers. Remus wriggled himself through the crowd until he was close to Harry.
"That was quite some Patronus," he said in Harry's ear. Harry turned around, his green eyes shining with pure joy. "The Dementors didn't affect me at all!" he said excitedly. "I didn't feel a thing!"
"That would be because they – er – weren't Dementors," said Remus. "Come and see –"
He led Harry out of the crowd until they were able to see the edge of the field.
"You gave Mr. Malfoy quite a fright," said Remus, sounding only a tiny bit sarcastic. The four Slytherins were quite a spectacle to see. To make it all better, professor McGonagall appeared to be bursting with fury. "An unworthy trick!" she was shouting. "A low and cowardly attempt to sabotage the Gryffindor Seeker! Detention for all of you, and fifty points from Slytherin! I shall be speaking to Professor Dumbledore about this, make no mistake! Ah, here he comes now!"
Remus felt as if he was on the verge of crying when he saw Harry's face light up with joy and happiness. The storm of different emotions that went through him – pride, joy, sadness – was so overwhelming that he had to blink his tears away.
Harry and the other Gryffindors left the pitch in a state of euphoria. Remus watched them go, then set off for the castle himself.
~*~
"As I am saying," the Giant went on, "all human beans is having different flavours. Human beans from Panama is tasting very strong of hats."
"Why hats?" Sophie said.
"You is not very clever," the Giant said, moving his great ears in and out. "I thought all human beans is full of brains, but your head is emptier than a bundongle."
"Do you like vegetables?" Sophie asked, hoping to steer the conversation towards a slightly less dangerous kind of food.
"You is trying to change the subject," the Giant said sternly. "We is having an interesting babblement about the taste of the human bean. The human bean is not a vegetable."
"Oh, but the bean is a vegetable," Sophie said.
"Not the human bean," the Giant said. "The human bean has two legs and a vegetable has no legs at all."
Remus flipped a page and continued to read on about the different tastes humans had. But when he picked up his mug with hot cocoa, he became aware of an soft knocking on his door. He glanced at the clock (half past twelve) and decided to ignore whoever was standing outside. But it was a peculiar sort knocking, a determined kind of knocking. He sighed, put his book down and went to open the door.
"Professor Dumbledore!" he said, surprised. The Headmaster merely nodded.
"What are you doing here at this time of the night?" Remus asked while he let the other man inside. "Would you like something to drink?"
Dumbledore gestured with his hand as if to say 'no thank you, don't trouble yourself'. He sat down near the fire, and sighed softly. He looked weary and tired.
"Something wrong, sir?" Remus asked. Dumbledore smiled weakly at that 'sir'; despite being a teacher himself, Remus still talked to the Headmaster as if he was a student.
"Has professor McGonagall just visited you?" the old man asked.
"No, I haven't seen anyone in hours." Remus frowned. He had the feeling he wasn't going to like what Dumbledore was going to tell him.
"Well, she just told me a very… interesting tale. Can you guess what it is?"
"No, sir, I'm afraid I can't."
"She told me that, now almost half an hour ago, the youngest Mr Weasley – what was his name again?"
"Ron," Remus filled in.
"Yes, Ronald – he woke up and saw a most alarming thing. Any idea what it was?"
"Absolutely not."
Dumbledore took a deep breath as if to brave himself for what was coming. "He claims he saw Sirius Black standing at his bed, holding a knife. About this size." He indicated a knife the size of a butcher's knife.
"My god," Remus gasped. "Sirius… in the castle?!"
"Not anymore, I think" Dumbledore said. "There are still people searching, but it's almost certain he's not here anymore."
"But how did he get in?" Remus asked, slowly sitting down on the chair opposite Dumbledore´s. "How did he know the password?"
Dumbledore narrowed his eyes, obviously not very pleased with something, to put it mildly. "Apparently, young Neville Longbottom had all the passwords for the following week written down, and left the note lying around. Sirius must've found it and used it for his own advantage."
"Yes…" muttered Remus, still thunder-struck. "Obviously…" There was silence for a few minutes.
"But what has that got to do with me?" he asked. He looked at Dumbledore, and the Headmaster looked right back. But this time there was no friendly, grandfatherly look in the blue eyes, no kind twinkle. Dumbledore looked back with a look that was cold and hard as ice. It send shivers down Remus' spine.
"I have asked you before," Dumbledore said, not taking his eyes off Remus, "if you know how Sirius could be coming into the castle. I am going to ask you again. I have told you how serious the situation is. He has a knife, and is apparently planning to use it, against students no less. Remus, do you know of any way he can be entering the castle?"
Remus looked back, but his mind was not there…
~*~
"Okay Peter, raise your hand and repeat after me. I solemnly swear…"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, Sirius. I solemnly swear I'm up to no good."
"It's not that! C´mon, we all did it. I solemnly swear…"
"Do I have to?"
"Better do it Peter, else Sirius´ll be whining for weeks."
"Sod off Potter. I don't whine. Now, I solemnly swear…"
"I solemnly swear."
"That I will always keep the secrets of the Marauders to myself…"
"That I will always keep the secrets of the Marauders to myself."
"And I will protect and help my fellow Marauders…"
"And I will protect and help my fellow Marauders."
"For as long as we both shall live."
"Shut up Moony. That wasn't the official text. Until the death."
"Almost right."
"Until the death."
"We should seal this with blood, you know."
"Don't be an idiot. Peter can't see blood, you know that."
"Shouldn't we add a little part in which we swear to annoy Snape until death follows?"
~*~
"Remus?"
Remus blinked. "Sorry. I was just thinking… no, sorry. I have no idea." How he ever managed to lie right in Dumbledore´s face, he would never know. It was a childish, but solemnly sworn oat that kept him from telling.
"Very well," Dumbledore said, almost sighing. "You said so before, and I believed you, but I figured it couldn't hurt asking. I do hope that there will soon come an end to this. The sooner we are rid of those Dementors, the better. Though with you around, there is at least one student who can't be hurt by them anymore." He smiled friendly at Remus. "I´ll leave you to… whatever it was you were doing." He left the room and closed the door behind him with a soft click, leaving Remus behind feeling miserable.
~*~
The almost-attack jolted Ron to a sudden fame. The students were suddenly more interested in him than in Harry, and Remus could see the red-head enjoyed the attention.
The security around the castle doubled. Filch was seen all around Hogwarts, boarding up even the smallest crack and mousehole – as if Sirius could enter the castle through one of those tiny peeps, Remus thought sceptically when he was passing the caretaker in a corridor one day. This sceptic and, in his opinion, very reasonable approach didn't make him very popular amongst his colleagues. Most of them suddenly remembered that Sirius had been one of his best friends, and some of the professors suddenly became much cooler towards him. Strangely enough, the only person who more or less agreed with Remus' opinion on how useless it was to board the entire school shut was Snape, of all people. His idea wasn't very useful either, however. He had – half-jokingly, although you never knew with Snape, maybe he was serious – suggested that they'd tie Harry to a pole and use him as bait. Not surprising that Dumbledore had rejected this idea.
Th weekend after the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw Quidditch match was another Hogsmeade weekend for the students. Remus had decided to stay behind at Hogwarts this time. He had nothing to do in Hogsmeade and could use the rest. He had some work he had to do, grading papers and such, and he also had a book he had been wanting to read for some time now.
Around four o'clock, Remus had just sat down with his book, when suddenly the fire in the fireplace turned green, and a voice came from it. Remus recognised it as Snape´s. "Lupin!" he called. "I want a word."
Typical. He never calls me with my first name. Remus got to his feet and walked right into the fire. The world around him started to spin, and only moments later he came to a halt in Snape´s office. Remus climbed out of the fireplace and brushed the dust off his robes. "You called, Severus?" he asked friendly. He knew that him calling Snape by his first name annoyed the heck out of Snape, and he couldn't stop doing it. Indeed, Snape did look angry, but not because of something Remus did.
"I certainly did," Snape snarled. He marched back to his desk. "I have just asked Potter to empty his pockets. He was carrying this." Snape pointed with one potion-stained finger at an old, yellowish piece of parchment, which looked quite normal. Until Remus took a closer look, that it.
To his astonishment, he recognised the handwriting on top as that of his own. He was even more amazed, when he saw under his own writing, the neat, curly hand of James. He just in time managed to keep his jaw from dropping. Under James' words, Sirius' handwriting shone in the light, and Peter's scribble was the last one. The fact that they had all signed with their nickname gave Remus the clue he needed; this was the long-lost Marauders Map, the ultimate proof of their magical abilities and prankster-making.
"Well?" Snape interrupted. Remus didn't take his eyes of the Map. His mind was spinning with excuse-making, anything to get the Map out of Snape´s hands and into his own.
"Well?" said Snape again. "This parchment is plainly full of Dark Magic. This is supposed to be your area of expertise, Lupin. Where do you imagine Potter got such a thing?"
Remus glanced at Harry, trying to force the boy, by sheer will-power, to not interrupt and play along. "Full of Dark Magic?" he said. "Do you really think so, Severus?" Try and make it look as innocent as possible. Don't make him suspicious, his brain was almost screaming. "It looks to me as though it is merely a piece of parchment that insults anybody who reads it. Childish, but surely not dangerous? I imagine Harry got it from a joke shop – "
"Indeed?" Snape interrupted him. His upper lip was drawn up in a scowl, and he nearly bared his teeth. His jaw had gone rigid. "You think a joke shop could supply him with such a thing? You don't think it more likely that he got it directly from the manufacturers?"
Harry gave his Potion Master a blank look, and Remus decided to play along with him. He gave his face an expression of not understanding, one of mild amazement. "You mean, by Mr. Wormtail or one of these people?" he said. "Harry, do you know any of these men?"
"No," said Harry quickly.
"You see, Severus?" said Remus to Snape. "It looks like a Zonko product to me –" Uhm, it most certainly does not, but he doesn't have to know that.
Suddenly, the door burst open, and Ron Weasley entered, out of breath. He gasped for air when he spoke. "I – gave – Harry – that – stuff," he choked. "Bought – it... in Zonko's... ages – ago..." Remus had the feeling he could almost kiss Ron, and judging from the look on his face, Harry felt the same.
"Well!" Remus drew the attention back to himself, and clapped his hands. He tried to look cheerful while looking around Snape´s office and not throwing up. "That seems to clear that up! Severus, I´ll take this back, shall I?" Before the other man could react, Remus had taken the Map from the desk, folded it and tucked it inside his robes. "Harry, Ron, come with me, I need a word about my vampire essay – excuse us, Severus –" Remus almost felt sorry for Snape when he saw the look on the Potion Master's face. He must've felt so close to getting Harry caught for something.
Remus guided Ron and Harry to the entrance hall in silence. Then Harry turned to Remus. "Professor, I – " Before he could finish his sentence, Remus interrupted him. "I don't want to hear explanations," he said softly and sternly. He looked around the Entrance hall. Despite it being empty, he lowered his voice. The walls almost literally had ears here. "I happen to know that this map was confiscated by Mr. Filch many years ago. Yes, I know it's a map," he said when he saw Harry and Ron's eyes widen. "I don't want to know how it fell into your possession. I am, however, astounded that you didn't hand it in. Particularly after what happened the last time a student left information about the castle lying around. And I can't let you have it back, Harry." Harry didn't look surprised after that. He seemed to have expected it. "Why did Snape think I'd got it from the manufacturers?"
"Because...," Remus hesitated for a moment, "because these mapmakers would have wanted to lure you out of school. They'd think it extremely entertaining." Another generation to continue the prank-making. James and Sirius would've been proud, and I would've too – under other conditions. In another world, in which Sirius would've been after Harry.
"Do you know them?" said Harry. His voice had an impressed ring to it. Remus had the impression that he suddenly looked way cooler to his student. He was not impressed by it, however. This was too serious for that.
"We've met," he said shortly. "Don't expect me to cover up for you again, Harry. I cannot make you take Sirius Black seriously. But I would have thought that what you have heard when the Dementors draw near you would have had more of an effect on you. Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them – gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks."
Harry's face fell, and Remus knew he had hit target. After one last look, he turned away and walked to his office.
At least, he walked until he was out of Harry's sight, then he ran.
~*~
"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair , the slimeball."
Remus grinned while he traced the writing with his finger. Abnormally large nose, ugly git, an idiot like that and a slimeball. The Marauders are back in town.
He had guessed right when he had said that it was a piece of parchment that insulted everybody. It was the main protection the four Marauders had placed on the Map. Everybody who tried to read it and said his name while trying to do so, would be automatically insulted. They had stored some standard insults in the Map, but also a list to chose from if anyone familiar – preferably Snape of course – tried to read the Map. Remus was pleased to see that after fifteen years, the Map still worked.
He tapped it with his wand, and never before did the words "Mischief managed" seem so right.
