Chapter 6- Someone to listen

I wake up feeling disorientated. Daylight creeps round the edge of the curtains. That's the problem with working the graveyard shift; you're always asleep when everyone else is awake.

As my brain begins to wake up I become aware of someone else's body heat warming my exposed flesh. Something's lying across my side. I reach up and my fingers graze Nick's arm. Suddenly it all comes flooding back. A wave of nausea sweeps through my body.

I'm reminded of a time at college when I got drunk. Really drunk. I ended up going back to this guy's dorm. I don't know why. I don't remember anything. When I woke up I was trapped. This great heavy arm lay right across my body, pinning me to the bed. He was huge and hairy, like a gorilla. I tried to wriggle out from under his arm, hoping to escape before he woke up. I didn't manage it. He woke up with a start and realising what I was trying to do, he got mad.

He punched me hard across the face, sending me crashing to the ground. As I lay there on the floor, unable to get up he kicked me repeatedly, calling me names. Finally he pulled me up by my hair and threw me out into the corridor.

I stayed locked in my dorm for two days after that, unable to stop crying. Gradually my bruises faded, but inside, the memory of the abuse I had suffered lived on. I was a lot more careful after that.

Oh god. What have I done? I was doing so well and now I've gone and screwed everything up again. Just like I always do. This morning it all seemed so right. Now as evening approaches, I lie here and contemplate my actions. How could I have been so wrong? I've ruined a fantastic friendship, because I can't control myself. I'm so afraid of love and yet I need it to survive.

I start to cry. Tears tumble down my cheeks and splash onto the pillow. I don't hear the change in Nicks breathing. He wakes up to the sound of me sobbing.

"Sara?" he sounds concerned, "Are you alright?"

He rolls me over to face him, holding my shoulders with his hands. I see fear flicker across his face. I've hurt him. He thinks I'm crying because of him, but it's not his fault. I'm crying because of me and I can't seem to stop.

"Sara?" he asks again, "Are you okay?"

He pulls me in closer now, staring deep into my eyes, searching for my soul. I don't even know if I have one.

I meet his gaze and everything starts to melt away. I feel protected again. When he holds me in his arms like this everything else ceases to matter. I just know everything is going to be alright.

Before I can stop myself, I'm telling him everything. About my need to be in control and my failure to do so. About my fear of love and the pain that accompanies it.

Through it all he listens silently, stroking my hair. When I've finished he holds me tight. He promises me that he won't hurt me. I don't know why, but I believe him. I feel safe here, wrapped in his arms. Maybe this time I've found a good love.