Thank you again to everyone who has been so kind to review this. I'd really love to return the favor. ^_^ But I saw lots of RanxKen in your profiles, and no KenxRan. And I can't read RanxKen. It just deosn't seem right. hehe Still, I want to show my gratitude to all of you. So, if you write a KenxRan, tell me, and I will be more than happy to review. ^_^
On a related note, someone f***ed with my Yahoo account. So I had to get a new ID and delete all my groups, including the KenxRan one. :-( I made a new one, though, and would be thrilled if you joined. ^_^ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kenxranfanfics/
Okay. I'll leave you to read now. Have fun! ^_^
~Koyasu
((Falling out of love with Ken?)) Schuldig repeated Ran's thought in shock. ((You sure hid that well. I didn't see it coming at all.))
Ran's mind was quiet, but his expression was tortured and torn.
((Ran?))
'I'm not sure what to feel', Ran finally confessed. 'I know you think I'm a shallow bitch but...' a meloncholy smile crossed Ran's lips as he thought this.
((I don't think that at all)) Schu responded, chuckling. ((But I also don't believe that you've fallen out of love with Ken.)) He looked over at the brunette, who was staring jealous darts at him. "Don't worry", Schuldig addressed Ken with reassurring eyes. "I'm a psychologist. This is part of Ran's therapy."
"Oh, good! Can you get him to talk again?" Ken asked, his eyes growing wide.
"I can do my best", Schuldig answered, sadly noting the mental wreck that Ken had become. "But no promises."
"I like you", Ken grinned, resting his head back onto the pillow. "I like the nice man that's going to help Ran talk to me." With that, Ken's eyes fell closed, and he drifted back to sleep.
((He has changed...)) Schu observed, looking back at Ran's sad face.
'You're full of shit' Ran thought, letting out a dismissive snort. 'Psychologist...And who are you to tell me what I feel? You're a telepath, not an empath'
((Oh, didn't I tell you? I possess both gifts)) the German boasted. Noticing a shiver from Ran, he pulled the blankets up over his shoulders. ((Now, what do you really feel?))
'What do I really feel? I don't know how to answer that', Ran admitted. 'I...I feel like Ken died. He body lives, but the man that was in that body is gone. You may not know this, but Ken was a lot stronger than I ever could hope to be. I needed that strength to keep my heart from breaking. But now, it all...Ken just isn't Ken anymore. He's a child. Nothing can ever be the same.'
((I'm not so sure of that.)) Schu argued. ((I mean, it's obvious that some things haven't changed at all. Ken's love for you, for example, is just as strong as it's ever been.))
'Yes, but-'
Before Ran could finish his thought, a petite male nurse walked into the room, carrying a basin of water and some towels. "It's time for Ran's bath", the nurse informed Schuldig, setting the basin and towels down. "I don't know how comfortable he would be having you here now, so..."
Schuldig stood up, smiling down at Ran. "I'll show myself out", he nodded. Reaching the door, he paused, surprised to discover something in his eyes. It was wet, and it stung. Could it be he was crying?
*
"Go away!"Aya screamed, as Yoji took a seat beside her in the hospital cafeteria, drawing attention from fellow diners. "I don't want to see you. I don't want to see any of you! Ran got involved in that...that organization, and what has it gotten him? Nothing but suffering!" She began stabbing her bowl of ice cream with the spoon, as if it were symbolic of all that angered her.
"I have to disagree with you there", Yoji contradicted, gulping down a piece of chicken. "After all, he did find love. If Ran hadn't been part of Kritiker, he never would have met Ken."
"That's a small comfort", Aya sniffed. "Ken is so simple now. What good is he to my poor brother, who isn't able to walk or talk? And we still don't know where his mind is." Aya pushed her ice cream away, in no mood to eat. "Tell me why, Yoji", she pleaded. "Why didn't Ran get out sooner? Why didn't he get out after I woke up from my coma?"
"I can't speak for Ran", Yoji said softly, poking at his food with his chopsticks. But I can make guesses from my own experience in Kritiker. You see, Aya, there is a lot of guilt involved in killing others, even if they do deserve death. You never really get used to taking lives. No matter how you try and justify it, there is a part of you that feels you are no better than the targets you go after. At one time, all of us have thought of leaving. Omi and I even faked our own deaths. Everyone bought it, too. But even if you run away, you're haunted by the injustice in the world, and the faces of the suffering souls. It happened to me. It happened to Omi. After a long time away, we eventually came back from the dead, as it were. When we left, we only traded one guilt for another. So that, I think, is why Ran stayed with Kritiker", Yoji concluded, taking a breath and reaching for the glass of water on his tray.
Aya sat silent for a long time, tearfully staring at her lap. "But he never would have gotten involved if..."
"Don't you dare blame yourself, Aya!" Yoji stood up, walking behind the woman and embracing her. "It isn't your fault that your parents got killed. It isn't your fault you got hit by a car and put into a coma. And you didn't make any choices for Ran. Please, Aya. Let's just concentrate on getting your brother and Ken healthy. I've had more guilt and self loathing than I can handle for one day. First Omi, and now-"
"Omi?" Aya looked up at Yoji curiously. "What about Omi?"
Yoji looked down, shuffling his feet nervously. "Um, he..."
"There you are!" Schuldig chimed, waving to Yoji and Aya as he entered the cafeteria.
"Schuldig!" Aya's face brightened. "What happened with my brother?"
"Well", Schuldig sighed, taking a seat across from Aya, "I have good news and bad news."
*
Ran closed his eyes as the young nurse scrubbed his body. This nurse was new, young and nervous. He had already dropped the water basin twice. This meant he had to mop up his mess, go back for a new basin and start over. This only prolonged the daily experience that Ran dreaded. His body tensed at the physical contact. He just couldn't get used to anyone but Ken handling him. He remembered the way those strong, tanned arms provided warmth, safety and a sense of security that only Ken knew Ran needed. But how could Ran feel secure held by a man who, intellectually, was now years beneath him? Wouldn't it be like letting a child take advantage of you? That manchild was getting a shower now, and Ran was honestly relieved to have a break from Ken's babbling, a constant reminder of his condition. He thought back to the "conversation" he had had with Schuldig. 'It's true', he decided. 'I am still in love with Ken. But am I in love with Ken for who he is, or who he was? Does-"
"Nii-chan!!!" Aya stormed into the room, snatching the washcloth from the nurse's hand. "I can take over from here."
"B-but", the nurse protested, trembling at the sight of the wild-eyed woman. "Um, never mind", he squeaked, running out of the room.
Ran looked up at his sister and, for the first time in his life, he was frightened of her.
"How could you?!" she growled, rubbing his legs raw with the washcloth. "How could you be so shallow?!"
Ran knew what Aya was talking about. He knew that Schuldig must have told her what he had thought. But he didn't know why she expected him to give her an answer when he couldn't even speak. 'Why?' he thought, wincing as Aya scrubbed him? Why won't Yoji or Schuldig come in and help me? Why doesn't Schuldig ask me some more questions, so that Aya understands?'
*
Out in the hall, Yoji clutched an envelope to his chest, tears streaming down his face.
"It's hard to take, isn't it?"
Yoji looked up, meeting his lover's gaze. "It is", he nodded, accepting Schuldig's hand. "I'm just glad I have you. With Ran and Ken so sick, I can't expect them to handle this. And I can't-"
"You can't face it alone", Schuldig finished, pulling Yoji into his arms. "I know."
On a related note, someone f***ed with my Yahoo account. So I had to get a new ID and delete all my groups, including the KenxRan one. :-( I made a new one, though, and would be thrilled if you joined. ^_^ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kenxranfanfics/
Okay. I'll leave you to read now. Have fun! ^_^
~Koyasu
((Falling out of love with Ken?)) Schuldig repeated Ran's thought in shock. ((You sure hid that well. I didn't see it coming at all.))
Ran's mind was quiet, but his expression was tortured and torn.
((Ran?))
'I'm not sure what to feel', Ran finally confessed. 'I know you think I'm a shallow bitch but...' a meloncholy smile crossed Ran's lips as he thought this.
((I don't think that at all)) Schu responded, chuckling. ((But I also don't believe that you've fallen out of love with Ken.)) He looked over at the brunette, who was staring jealous darts at him. "Don't worry", Schuldig addressed Ken with reassurring eyes. "I'm a psychologist. This is part of Ran's therapy."
"Oh, good! Can you get him to talk again?" Ken asked, his eyes growing wide.
"I can do my best", Schuldig answered, sadly noting the mental wreck that Ken had become. "But no promises."
"I like you", Ken grinned, resting his head back onto the pillow. "I like the nice man that's going to help Ran talk to me." With that, Ken's eyes fell closed, and he drifted back to sleep.
((He has changed...)) Schu observed, looking back at Ran's sad face.
'You're full of shit' Ran thought, letting out a dismissive snort. 'Psychologist...And who are you to tell me what I feel? You're a telepath, not an empath'
((Oh, didn't I tell you? I possess both gifts)) the German boasted. Noticing a shiver from Ran, he pulled the blankets up over his shoulders. ((Now, what do you really feel?))
'What do I really feel? I don't know how to answer that', Ran admitted. 'I...I feel like Ken died. He body lives, but the man that was in that body is gone. You may not know this, but Ken was a lot stronger than I ever could hope to be. I needed that strength to keep my heart from breaking. But now, it all...Ken just isn't Ken anymore. He's a child. Nothing can ever be the same.'
((I'm not so sure of that.)) Schu argued. ((I mean, it's obvious that some things haven't changed at all. Ken's love for you, for example, is just as strong as it's ever been.))
'Yes, but-'
Before Ran could finish his thought, a petite male nurse walked into the room, carrying a basin of water and some towels. "It's time for Ran's bath", the nurse informed Schuldig, setting the basin and towels down. "I don't know how comfortable he would be having you here now, so..."
Schuldig stood up, smiling down at Ran. "I'll show myself out", he nodded. Reaching the door, he paused, surprised to discover something in his eyes. It was wet, and it stung. Could it be he was crying?
*
"Go away!"Aya screamed, as Yoji took a seat beside her in the hospital cafeteria, drawing attention from fellow diners. "I don't want to see you. I don't want to see any of you! Ran got involved in that...that organization, and what has it gotten him? Nothing but suffering!" She began stabbing her bowl of ice cream with the spoon, as if it were symbolic of all that angered her.
"I have to disagree with you there", Yoji contradicted, gulping down a piece of chicken. "After all, he did find love. If Ran hadn't been part of Kritiker, he never would have met Ken."
"That's a small comfort", Aya sniffed. "Ken is so simple now. What good is he to my poor brother, who isn't able to walk or talk? And we still don't know where his mind is." Aya pushed her ice cream away, in no mood to eat. "Tell me why, Yoji", she pleaded. "Why didn't Ran get out sooner? Why didn't he get out after I woke up from my coma?"
"I can't speak for Ran", Yoji said softly, poking at his food with his chopsticks. But I can make guesses from my own experience in Kritiker. You see, Aya, there is a lot of guilt involved in killing others, even if they do deserve death. You never really get used to taking lives. No matter how you try and justify it, there is a part of you that feels you are no better than the targets you go after. At one time, all of us have thought of leaving. Omi and I even faked our own deaths. Everyone bought it, too. But even if you run away, you're haunted by the injustice in the world, and the faces of the suffering souls. It happened to me. It happened to Omi. After a long time away, we eventually came back from the dead, as it were. When we left, we only traded one guilt for another. So that, I think, is why Ran stayed with Kritiker", Yoji concluded, taking a breath and reaching for the glass of water on his tray.
Aya sat silent for a long time, tearfully staring at her lap. "But he never would have gotten involved if..."
"Don't you dare blame yourself, Aya!" Yoji stood up, walking behind the woman and embracing her. "It isn't your fault that your parents got killed. It isn't your fault you got hit by a car and put into a coma. And you didn't make any choices for Ran. Please, Aya. Let's just concentrate on getting your brother and Ken healthy. I've had more guilt and self loathing than I can handle for one day. First Omi, and now-"
"Omi?" Aya looked up at Yoji curiously. "What about Omi?"
Yoji looked down, shuffling his feet nervously. "Um, he..."
"There you are!" Schuldig chimed, waving to Yoji and Aya as he entered the cafeteria.
"Schuldig!" Aya's face brightened. "What happened with my brother?"
"Well", Schuldig sighed, taking a seat across from Aya, "I have good news and bad news."
*
Ran closed his eyes as the young nurse scrubbed his body. This nurse was new, young and nervous. He had already dropped the water basin twice. This meant he had to mop up his mess, go back for a new basin and start over. This only prolonged the daily experience that Ran dreaded. His body tensed at the physical contact. He just couldn't get used to anyone but Ken handling him. He remembered the way those strong, tanned arms provided warmth, safety and a sense of security that only Ken knew Ran needed. But how could Ran feel secure held by a man who, intellectually, was now years beneath him? Wouldn't it be like letting a child take advantage of you? That manchild was getting a shower now, and Ran was honestly relieved to have a break from Ken's babbling, a constant reminder of his condition. He thought back to the "conversation" he had had with Schuldig. 'It's true', he decided. 'I am still in love with Ken. But am I in love with Ken for who he is, or who he was? Does-"
"Nii-chan!!!" Aya stormed into the room, snatching the washcloth from the nurse's hand. "I can take over from here."
"B-but", the nurse protested, trembling at the sight of the wild-eyed woman. "Um, never mind", he squeaked, running out of the room.
Ran looked up at his sister and, for the first time in his life, he was frightened of her.
"How could you?!" she growled, rubbing his legs raw with the washcloth. "How could you be so shallow?!"
Ran knew what Aya was talking about. He knew that Schuldig must have told her what he had thought. But he didn't know why she expected him to give her an answer when he couldn't even speak. 'Why?' he thought, wincing as Aya scrubbed him? Why won't Yoji or Schuldig come in and help me? Why doesn't Schuldig ask me some more questions, so that Aya understands?'
*
Out in the hall, Yoji clutched an envelope to his chest, tears streaming down his face.
"It's hard to take, isn't it?"
Yoji looked up, meeting his lover's gaze. "It is", he nodded, accepting Schuldig's hand. "I'm just glad I have you. With Ran and Ken so sick, I can't expect them to handle this. And I can't-"
"You can't face it alone", Schuldig finished, pulling Yoji into his arms. "I know."
