Chapter 16
I was woken by morning sunlight streaming onto my face. That was funny, I had no windows in my room, blinking blearily I looked around, I was in a dingy flat, turning I saw the boy lying next to me and I remembered. I felt sick, what had I done? I was dirty, unclean, as if I could never be clean again, as if I had sold something and now I couldn't get it back.
Stumbling around I found my clothes and after dressing left the flat quietly and stumbled down the deserted early morning streets back to the mall. As soon I was in the mall I made my way back to my room, locking the door I sank to the floor. Now more than ever I needed the nothingness, the numbness I had been looking for the night before, I needed to forget.
Suddenly I got angry with myself and the position I was in. I flung my boot across the room where it hit my table. It knocked several things off; the thing that landed closest to me was a pair of scissors. Carefully I picked them up and began turning them in my hands. Their coldness, the shine and reflection on them mesmerized me; slowly I ran my finger along the blades feeling their sharpness. As if I had no control over my actions I opened the blades and stared at them. Gradually I moved them up my arm until they were poised above the naked flesh just below my elbow.
There were a few seconds where I wondered whether I could do it, whether I had the courage. It was like the time I ripped Siva's essay up, I knew once I had done the tiniest thing there was no going back, what I would do was not fixable.
Finally I swallowed my nerve and brought the cold hard steel down onto my skin. Pressing down on my skin it bit in and I dragged it along. That was it, I had done it and for a moment I just stared at the gaping cut along my arm in shock.
And then the pain hit me, like a wave it hit me canceling out my internal pain, leaving me floating in nothingness, in a world of my own where I felt nothing.
Dimly I watched as a trickle of blood seeped out of the cut and trickled down my arm, it split into two and then dripped onto the floor but I didn't care. It was gone, all my pain, all my suffering, I felt nothing, blissful nothing.
Then gradually the pain from my arm decreased and I fell back to earth again as I felt my inner pain again. As I lent back against the door and covered my arm what I had done didn't really hit me. I was free, away from it all, for those moments I had floated in blissful euphoria, the reality didn't matter, I had found release.
Jay
I was woken the next morning from where I had fallen asleep on the café table by Siva. I felt awful.
"Jay!" said Siva in surprise as she woke me by walking into the cafe "What are you doing here?" she asked
"I must have fallen asleep," I groaned lifting my head the events of the past night flooding back on me. I had been sat there since Ebony pushed me out of her room, trying to understand it, to figure it out. I just couldn't understand her, things had been fine, perfect even, and then she just froze up and locked me out of her room, I could see no reason why.
"Coffee?" Siva asked walking through into the kitchen, usually I would say no, coffee was too rare but that morning I needed something.
"So why are you asleep in here?" Siva yelled through as she prepared the drinks
"Long story," I yelled back. She didn't answer until she had walked through holding the mugs of coffee, placed one of the aromatic mugs in front of me and pulled up a chair
"It wouldn't happen to have anything to do with a sister of mine whom my other sister is planning to kill?" she asked in a matter of fact tone. Pausing for a minute she heard her own words and added "God, my family's screwed up!"
I had to grin, sure my brother was AWOL but at least he wasn't plotting to kill his siblings.
"Yes, and totally" I said grinning at her
She purposefully ignored the comment on her family and concentrated on Ebony "So tell me the whole story, I have time," she said sipping her coffee.
The thought of what had happened sobered me up and the whole sorry story came poring out of me, with the details of exactly what me and Ebony had been doing removed for my audiences benefit, though by the look in her eye Siva had a pretty good idea what my censorship hadn't told her.
"You did nothing?" asked Siva obviously as puzzled by me by the whole tale.
"No" I sighed, Siva thought for a moment then said thoughtfully
"She was scared, of what I don't know"
"Scared?" I asked, Ebony, scared?
"Ebony's like a hedgehog" Siva said trying to explain. The image of a hedgehog in tight revealing red and black leather popped into my mind and I had to grin.
"What's funny?" asked Siva seeing my grin.
I shook my head to tell her nothing was wrong but the image remained with me for a long time.
"She has a softer side, but you need to get through her defenses first which she uses when she's scared" Siva explained. It was a pretty accurate description of Ebony, but it didn't explain what she was scared of.
"So why's she scared?" I asked
"You're on your own for that one" Siva said. Even with Siva's help I was still at a loss of what Ebony was scared of, but I would try my hardest to find out.
I was woken by morning sunlight streaming onto my face. That was funny, I had no windows in my room, blinking blearily I looked around, I was in a dingy flat, turning I saw the boy lying next to me and I remembered. I felt sick, what had I done? I was dirty, unclean, as if I could never be clean again, as if I had sold something and now I couldn't get it back.
Stumbling around I found my clothes and after dressing left the flat quietly and stumbled down the deserted early morning streets back to the mall. As soon I was in the mall I made my way back to my room, locking the door I sank to the floor. Now more than ever I needed the nothingness, the numbness I had been looking for the night before, I needed to forget.
Suddenly I got angry with myself and the position I was in. I flung my boot across the room where it hit my table. It knocked several things off; the thing that landed closest to me was a pair of scissors. Carefully I picked them up and began turning them in my hands. Their coldness, the shine and reflection on them mesmerized me; slowly I ran my finger along the blades feeling their sharpness. As if I had no control over my actions I opened the blades and stared at them. Gradually I moved them up my arm until they were poised above the naked flesh just below my elbow.
There were a few seconds where I wondered whether I could do it, whether I had the courage. It was like the time I ripped Siva's essay up, I knew once I had done the tiniest thing there was no going back, what I would do was not fixable.
Finally I swallowed my nerve and brought the cold hard steel down onto my skin. Pressing down on my skin it bit in and I dragged it along. That was it, I had done it and for a moment I just stared at the gaping cut along my arm in shock.
And then the pain hit me, like a wave it hit me canceling out my internal pain, leaving me floating in nothingness, in a world of my own where I felt nothing.
Dimly I watched as a trickle of blood seeped out of the cut and trickled down my arm, it split into two and then dripped onto the floor but I didn't care. It was gone, all my pain, all my suffering, I felt nothing, blissful nothing.
Then gradually the pain from my arm decreased and I fell back to earth again as I felt my inner pain again. As I lent back against the door and covered my arm what I had done didn't really hit me. I was free, away from it all, for those moments I had floated in blissful euphoria, the reality didn't matter, I had found release.
Jay
I was woken the next morning from where I had fallen asleep on the café table by Siva. I felt awful.
"Jay!" said Siva in surprise as she woke me by walking into the cafe "What are you doing here?" she asked
"I must have fallen asleep," I groaned lifting my head the events of the past night flooding back on me. I had been sat there since Ebony pushed me out of her room, trying to understand it, to figure it out. I just couldn't understand her, things had been fine, perfect even, and then she just froze up and locked me out of her room, I could see no reason why.
"Coffee?" Siva asked walking through into the kitchen, usually I would say no, coffee was too rare but that morning I needed something.
"So why are you asleep in here?" Siva yelled through as she prepared the drinks
"Long story," I yelled back. She didn't answer until she had walked through holding the mugs of coffee, placed one of the aromatic mugs in front of me and pulled up a chair
"It wouldn't happen to have anything to do with a sister of mine whom my other sister is planning to kill?" she asked in a matter of fact tone. Pausing for a minute she heard her own words and added "God, my family's screwed up!"
I had to grin, sure my brother was AWOL but at least he wasn't plotting to kill his siblings.
"Yes, and totally" I said grinning at her
She purposefully ignored the comment on her family and concentrated on Ebony "So tell me the whole story, I have time," she said sipping her coffee.
The thought of what had happened sobered me up and the whole sorry story came poring out of me, with the details of exactly what me and Ebony had been doing removed for my audiences benefit, though by the look in her eye Siva had a pretty good idea what my censorship hadn't told her.
"You did nothing?" asked Siva obviously as puzzled by me by the whole tale.
"No" I sighed, Siva thought for a moment then said thoughtfully
"She was scared, of what I don't know"
"Scared?" I asked, Ebony, scared?
"Ebony's like a hedgehog" Siva said trying to explain. The image of a hedgehog in tight revealing red and black leather popped into my mind and I had to grin.
"What's funny?" asked Siva seeing my grin.
I shook my head to tell her nothing was wrong but the image remained with me for a long time.
"She has a softer side, but you need to get through her defenses first which she uses when she's scared" Siva explained. It was a pretty accurate description of Ebony, but it didn't explain what she was scared of.
"So why's she scared?" I asked
"You're on your own for that one" Siva said. Even with Siva's help I was still at a loss of what Ebony was scared of, but I would try my hardest to find out.
