Chapter 18

I lay in my bed that night thinking. The release I had gained that morning from my problems had relaxed me slightly, for the first time in days I had actually eaten more than my usual three mouthfuls at dinner and I was prepared to actually go to bed and consider sleeping.

But I could not get my mind off Jay. The way he had looked at me today, with love ad longing, a mirror for my feelings for him. Surely I wasn't fooling myself? I couldn't be so consumed with desire for him I was imagining he reciprocated the feelings? No, I was certain, his words, those precious words echoed in my head,

"Tell me you don't want me" they echoed through my mind repeating themselves over and over until all doubt was driven from me, if I wanted him Jay was mine, and I wanted him.

In that minute I made a decision.

I would go to him, slide into his bed like he had done so long ago into mine, and I would apologize and say I was sorry. I would let him see the bruises Zoot had given me and somehow I would persuade him they were Zoot's doing, he had to believe me, he had to. And then I could be with him, and he could protect me from Zoot and everything would be ok again.

Confidently I got up and padded through the silent halls to the room I had once shared with Jay. Then I saw the long corridor that led to Jay's room and I paused faltering in the flow of confidence I had gained that morning, Zoot had stood that doorway, talking to me, torturing me. But I had to get over that, telling myself I was being silly I forced myself to walk forwards, but I was less confident, silently fiddling with one of the delicate bracelets on my wrist.

Then suddenly I felt gentle ghostly hands pluck and pull at my braids. But it wasn't hands that touched them; it was a breeze, a ghostly breeze. A ghostly breeze that carried a message with it.

A voice repeated over and over "He won't believe you, my queen" letting 'my queen' echo off into the distance.

Suddenly like jolt to my heart I knew he did not want me, he would not believe me, I was being stupid, ridiculous. If it was him coming to tell me Zoot had returned I would never believe him, why should he believe me? I was stupid and silly to think he might want me and he might believe me, I had been clutching at straws. As the wind stopped I turned away from his door, no one would ever believe me, I was becoming stupid and sentimental to think anyone would.

As I hurried back towards my room I forgot Zoot's wind in anger at myself and my stupidity. But as I opened the door to my room it revealed someone watching me with a cold unforgiving stare that reminded me of it, Zoot.

"Hello my queen" he hissed at me as I stepped back in shock as if if I got far enough away he might just leave me alone.

Without thinking I whispered "I'm not your queen" It came out without any warning, I didn't mean to say it out loud but when it had been said all I could do was watch in horror as violent anger flashed in his eyes. He reached out and grabbed my top pulling me close to him and all the time those relentless eyes stared at me.

"You will always be me queen" he told me, and he was right. I was always his queen, to the city, to the mall rats, I was always his queen. As soon as he saw his words had had the desired effect he lifted my clothes higher so my feet were off the floor and I was gasping for breath, as my throat was restricted. He turned and took a few steps into my bedroom with me in his grip then flung me across the small room so I landed sprawled across my bed jarring my neck painfully in landing. He walked till he was standing over the bed menacingly, I began to crawl backwards on my back trying to keep away from him but still mesmerized by his eyes.

"They'll never believe you or trust you, they don't love you like I love you" he hissed and as he did so, like some demon from my worst nightmares, he put his hands either side of me and crawled up until he was above me and forcing me to lie flat on the bed.

My breath came in short terrified gasps as he stoked my body and stared into my eyes. But his hands were not soft and gentle like a lover's they were vicious and harsh and everywhere they dragged they left marks across my body

I wanted to move, to scream, to do anything but I was held captive by his body and his eyes, which stared down at me with a mixture of hatred and love and anger and pleasure.

"So beautiful, so strong" he whispered as his hands ran across me.

"No!" I whispered desperately the breath catching in my throat as he bent his head towards me. I turned my head away to avoid his kiss but he reached out and snapped my neck back to face him and held my head in an iron grip until his lips met mine. The kiss was like the last, forceful, devastating, painful. Once his lips were forcing my head against the bed he removed his hand but I still couldn't escape. This time he did not stop kissing me quickly, as I struggled trying to free myself from his embrace he went on and on until my mouth felt like jelly, desecrated. Eventually he pulled away and grabbed hold of my cheek

"You will learn to love me" he hissed "I will teach you to love me as you once did and as is fitting of my queen" I couldn't answer or protest, my mouth still could not move.

Then he lifted himself off me and left, his ominous threats still hanging over me.