[Autors note: thank you to everyone who is reading and repling to this it really does mean a lot to me to know that you appreiciate my story. I know you all want ebs to get back woith jay but you'l just have to wait and see what happens. Pinkpanda.]

Chapter 19

I didn't know how long it was after he left when I moved from where I was laying on the bed, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. In that time my mind was processing what had happened and when I sat up the silent tears finally began to flow from my eyes.

I felt used and useless, like I had that morning, only worse, much worse. I was the opposite of clean, so unclean dirty didn't do it justice, I was revolting, I hated myself, my body and the bruises that covered my body. I had to something, my mind was screaming at being trapped in such an unclean place.

I went to the toilets I used just down the hallway; I locked the door and then began stripping off my clothes, discarding them across the bathroom. Turning on the sink I began to wash my self, gently at first but soon gathering speed until I was washing myself in a frenzy, scrubbing at myself trying to clean myself, get rid of the grime that coated me and the fingers that crawled over me. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I was still dirty.

I stared at my arms, dirty so dirty, I grabbed at a pair of scissors lying on the side and desperately needing the oblivion they had given me before I dragged them over my arm hastily. But this time I didn't get it, the blood came but not the oblivion. I stared at my arm in horror, hot tears of anger and frustration slowly flowing out of my eyes. Sinking back into a corner sobbing I fell to the floor and began rocking myself backwards and forwards as if to comfort myself.

I was lost in a world of anger and pain, I hated myself, I hated him, I hated my life and I hated this strange world I lived in. I felt like things were crawling over my skin, revolting things, things that would never go away.

Gradually my sobbing stopped but I stayed in that little scary place rocking myself backwards and forwards staring at the cold shiny plastic floor, my mind was screaming but I was numb, the tears and blood that had drained out of me had drained any emotion I might have felt.

Finally I began to feel again, began to see the world that surrounded me, dressing slowly I walked out of the room and into my own room. I stared at my bed, I couldn't sleep on those sheets they were dirty. In a sudden haste I pulled them off the bed and dumped them in a corner touching them as little as possible, as if they could make me dirty.

Then I curled up as small as I could on the bare mattress eventually drifting off into strange disjointed sleep.

At first my dreams were difficult to see but as I dreamed they became clearer, they were more memories than dreams. My life jumbled up into an ever moving scene in front of me which I couldn't touch, I saw my parents, Java, Siva, Jay, Zoot, the Locos, the Guardian, Ram and the Mallrats all swirling around me. And always behind me was some unseen horror which was always there and however much I reached out and implored the people I saw to help me they didn't, I was helpless.

Finally, suddenly, the dreams stopped and I was standing alone at the top of a deserted cliff but still that unseen horror was behind me, but I didn't want to see it, didn't want to turn around. Suddenly I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I spun to see a face that I knew in every detail and yet was foreign to me. I stared at myself, and then my other self began to call my name

"Ebony, Ebony" she called again and again. I tried to scream but as much as I screamed the breath stuck in my throat and she reached out and began shaking me still saying my name, then somehow, the cliff was gone and we were falling and she was still shaking me and saying my name so I closed my eyes and began to scream and this time I could scream.

When we stopped falling I opened my eyes cautiously, I was in my own room and Siva was holding me a worried expression on her face.

"Bad dream?" she asked. I sat up slowly blinking in the light and trying to throw off the feeling that there was someone behind me, but it had been a dream, a dream, that was all.

Suddenly a thought occurred in my dream-fuddled mind "What are you doing in my room?" I asked

"Salene sent me," she said. Why did that not surprise me? "The old tribe members are coming back now" I sighed and got up off the bed going to look at my face in the mirror that was propped up on the table.

"Ebony." Siva said nervously

"Mmmmmmm" I mumbled as I put on my make up

"Why are your sheets in the corner?" she asked, I started up turning to look where she was pointing and there were the sheets, where I had thrown them in my wild panic last night.

"I split water over them" I stammered nervously trying to come up with a feasible reason why they were in the corner.

"Oh" said Siva not sounding convinced but I didn't give her time to think about it as I left for the main stairway.