Chapter 8 - Heroes And Villains
I wake up, groggy and disorientated, tied to a chair. Looking around me, one thing's for certain - I'm not in Heaven.
Standing in front of me, from left to right, are Catwoman, The Joker and Hugo Strange. I assume that at least two of them are mandroids. We appear to be in a living room, albeit a giant one, possibly a converted warehouse. In the background, various members of Batman's rogues gallery appear to be busy decorating the place.
I'm not the only one tied to a chair. There's a row of us, starting with me, then a man I've never seen before in a skin-tight red outfit with a "D" on the front, then Kid Eternity (who's got a flying helmet strapped to his head), and, finally, Alfred.
"So, Barbara, at last you're awake," exclaims Hugo. "So, have you worked out what OR stands for yet?"
"Yeah, I know what it stands for, you sick, twisted maniac. How could you even conceive of such a thing? Are you insane?"
Hugo smiles and strokes his beard, which seems to have grown back since he last died. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. As for the question of my insanity, I'd have to answer, and I have to stress that this is purely my professional opinion, yes."
"And what's with the dolls?" I ask.
Catwoman scowls at me while The Joker looks down at me with an affronted look. "We prefer the term action figures," he explains.
Hugo laughs. "Ah, my mandroids - they're part of my sinister master plan. Now that you're all here I think it's time for some long overdue explanations."
Addressing his captive audience, Hugo begins: "I've been known to die in the past, but I invariably return giving some ridiculously incredible excuse as to how I survived. I hate to reveal my secrets, but the truth is I never survive - I just stay dead. Years ago, a brain tumor made me prematurely face my mortality. Fortunately, I also had a patient who could raise the dead. Ladies and gentlemen, could you please give a big hand for … Kid Eternity." Hugo motions towards Kid Eternity with his arm, while the assorted mandroids in the room burst into applause.
"Now, I don't want to bore you good people with science, but, thanks to an implanted post-hypnotic suggestion, whenever Kid Eternity learns that I've died, he automatically raises me from the dead. This is incredibly pleasant, because I hate being dead - Hell's a lot worse than they'd have you believe, trust me. Ironically, Kid Eternity would love to be dead. He got a glimpse of Heaven once but it just wasn't his time. To try and make up for their mistake they gave him the power to raise anyone from the dead, but it was poor consolation indeed. He'd seen Heaven - how could anything else ever compare? Be glad that he's being controlled with that stupid hat from The Mad Hatter, otherwise he'd be moaning about it even now."
"So, now that you all know how I continuously bounce back from death, it's time to talk OR. It's an incredibly sick and twisted idea, admittedly, but I feel that's part of its charm. Tragically, Alfred is the only one here who doesn't know what it stands for, so for his benefit, and his alone, allow me to elaborate."
"Once upon a time, there was a great man. He solved riddles and consulted an oracle and eventually found out that he'd murdered his father and married his mother. OR - Oedipus Rex, the play by Sophocles. Need I say more? Anyway, I thought it was time to re-enact this tragedy so I got Kid Eternity to bring back Bruce's dear departed mother. I then clouded her mind with some tricks I'd picked up from Lamont Cranston (otherwise she'd have been moaning that she wanted to go back to Heaven after a day or two), and then did some of my home-made mind tricks to stop her from communicating altogether (for reasons that will hopefully one day become apparent). And finally, so that no-one could possibly recognize her, I glued a Batman mask on her."
"Where did the adhesive come from?" I have to ask, "STAR Labs would like to know."
"Oh, Access introduced me to his friend Pete who's an expert on that sort of thing," Hugo replies, without really helping my understanding in any way. Without elaborating any further, he goes back to describing his plan:
"However, I was still in two minds about whether or not to go ahead with the plan, so I got you, Barbara Gordon," he points towards me, "to decide. I let you choose whether my Batman mandroid would visit The Joker or me. You chose me. You didn't know that I'd already instructed the mandroid to kill me if you made this decision. I hope that the result of your action didn't lead to too many sleepless nights, Barbara, I really do. Ideally, I should have got the real Batman to kill me, if I was to stick to the Oedipus story, but I didn't want to make the meaning of OR too obvious for him. Besides, Batman's killed me enough times inadvertently in the past, and, the next time we meet, I suspect that he'll be killing me again."
"So, the mandroid Batman kills me, and I leave the OR clue, and direct you to Arkham Asylum. I'd been working there for over a year, studying the villains so that my mandroid copies would be perfect. And, it was during Batman's first visit to Arkham Asylum that you entered the story, Boston Brand," Hugo puts his hand on the red-clad man's shoulder. Boston's got tape over his mouth preventing him from speaking. Hugo continues "As Deadman, you inhabited The Joker's body and tried to warn Batman. Fortunately, the Kid knows everyone in, or around, Heaven (it's a pretty close-knit community) and figured out who you were straight away. He said his magic word and you were yanked out of The Joker's body and back to life. Don't worry, Mr. Brand, we'll look after you. We're not going to risk you dying, you're more dangerous to us dead than alive."
"Anyway, soon after that, Barbara takes Batman's mother home with her. I really wanted her to stay with Batman, so their relationship could blossom, so I sent my Joker mandroid to capture you, Barbara, so that Batman would take her back. Unfortunately, it seems I underestimated your resourcefulness."
"I see you managed to put him back together again," I say, nodding towards the Joker mandroid.
"No, that was an old model," replies the Joker mandroid, "Artificial blood - whatever was Hugo thinking of? I'm the new, improved version. If you want a demonstration, I could kill you later."
"Joker, we don't kill the guests unless I say so. Is that clear?" states Hugo sternly.
"OK. Hugo boss," hisses The Joker through clenched teeth.
"Don't forget that, Joker. I can always make a newer, more improved version of you if I need to," warns Hugo, and then he turns his attention back to us. "Back to the story. Eventually the trail of clues I'd planted at Arkham led Batman to my grave, and a responsometer-less Gold. I'd used what I learnt examining that responsometer to build my mandroid Catwoman, who, at my graveside, managed to fool even Batman himself and, during their passionate clinch, managed to attach a tracking device to him."
"Thanks to that tracking device I knew when Batman and his mother were transported to Rann, where hopefully they got to know each other better. I can see from your face, Barbara, that you find this whole affair sordid, disgusting, depraved, repellent, et cetera, but it's really all a matter of perspective. What you call incest, I call family entertainment. We'll just have to agree to differ."
Hugo walks over to Alfred. "So, Alfred, what do you make of all this? It's hard to tell from your expression."
"Well, it appears that those imaginative profanities that the ruffians hurl in Batman's direction will finally be accurate."
Hugo tries to hide a smile and turns his attention back to me. "Around the same time, you, Barbara, had finally called an expert in to stop me accessing your computer system."
I quickly add "And to get rid of that miniature camera you had watching me."
Hugo professes his innocence. "What camera? You must be imagining things, Barbara. Maybe, if we've got time later, we could discuss these feelings of paranoia that you harbor. Anyway, with my connection to your computer removed, I had to find a new way to keep you under surveillance."
Catwoman leans forward and her face meets mine. "That's where I came in. Remember me?" she asks, but her voice is Black Canary's. She sees the surprise on my face. "That's right, Barb, I was the cat and the canary."
"Why, you evil little … unghh". My sentence is cut short by her fist hitting my face.
"Now, now, Barb. I thought we were friends. After all, while you were unconscious I looked after your boyfriend for you."
"Jack? What did you do to him?"
"Nothing that he didn't want me to do. Oh, by the way, he analyzed those files that he took away and it looks like some of your security system's files may have been overwritten. No wonder a mandroid could just walk into your lair without setting off any alarm bells."
"Ladies, ladies," Hugo interrupts, "there'll be time for mindless chit-chat later. That tracking device indicated that Batman returned from his trip to Rann a few hours ago. Soon, he'll be paying Two-Face a return visit. I better freshen up. While I'm away my mandroids will keep you entertained."
"So, like I asked before, what's with the dolls?" I ask once again.
"These dolls, as you so eloquently put it, will replace the originals. Once I've finished with the upcoming father-son reunion, I intend to destroy Arkham Asylum along with all of its inhabitants. Soon my mandroids will be running all the crime in Gotham City. Any more questions? No? Good. And now I must temporarily bid you farewell."
As soon as Hugo leaves, The Joker looks at me and, as always, smiles. "So, if I got Hugo right, we can do anything we like with you as long as we don't kill you."
Catwoman purrs and runs a claw down the side of my face. "So, you're tied to a chair, and it looks like we get to torture you. Very Reservoir Dogs."
"I guess that makes you the clown to the left of me," I point out, "because Joker's to the right ... unnggh."
This time the fist comes courtesy of The Joker. "I tell the jokes here," he whispers in my ear, by way of explanation.
"So, what shall we do with her?" shouts Catwoman to the mandroid rogues gallery, who are slowly but steadily gathering round me.
"Punish her! Violate her! Terminate Her! Spawn!" is The Mad Hatter's helpful suggestion.
"Jervis, don't take me so seriously. I'm only kidding around with her for crying out loud." Catwoman takes out some chewing gum, unwraps a stick and places it in her mouth. "Look at me, the ultimate mandroid - I can talk and chew gum at the same time."
"Why do you let Hugo stay in charge?" I ask, hoping to start some sort of mutiny. "You should branch out on your own. You don't need Hugo."
"But Hugo knows all our weaknesses. All he has to say are his magic little words and we'll just seize up. Want some gum?"
Catwoman offers me a stick of gum, but I decline.
"Hey, Toots, can I grab your gum?" shouts the mandroid behind her.
"Don't even think about it, Scarface."
Hugo rushes in, brandishing a gun, and turns on a big plasma screen in the corner of the room. The picture shows the inside of Two-Face's cell. It's spotless - obviously his coin landed good side up today.
We all watch the screen, getting bored, waiting for something to happen, when Batman makes his entrance.
"So, Harvey, are you ready to tell me anything yet?"
Harvey tosses his coin, looks at it. "The scarred side's facing upwards. I guess it's time to tell you the truth."
Harvey sits down at a table, rolling his penny along his knuckles, as he talks to Batman.
"Hopefully you've gathered by now that Hugo Strange is your father. So, you're probably wondering how this came to be? Did your mother commit adultery? Or did Hugo force himself on her? Alas, this was not what took place. Let me tell you how the man you thought to be your father first met your mother. Your mother was dating Hugo Strange. Your father (or rather the man you thought was your father), being friends with Hugo, would hang out with them on various occasions."
"One dark, rainy night, your father (Hugo wouldn't reveal his name to me, so forgive my stilted narrative) was awoken from his sleep by a banging on the door. Donning his dressing gown, he descended the stairs and opened the door. There in the doorway, wet, disheveled and crying, was your mother. She was pregnant by Hugo, Hugo had told her to get rid of it, and she wanted your father to perform the abortion. Your father, not being able to father children himself (have you ever wondered why you were an only child?), offered to raise the child as his own. Your father would have an heir, the family fortune would be passed on to future generations."
"The only fly in the ointment was Hugo. Your father's wealth kept him out of the picture, first through lawyers, and, when that failed, through hired muscle. Hugo disappeared from Gotham for a long time."
"And that's everything, except for one thing."
Harvey remains silent, waiting for Batman to speak.
"Poison Ivy. She said that my father's betrayal of Hugo led to my father's death. Did Hugo kill my parents?"
"No, Hugo wasn't around at that time. He didn't lead to your parents' death. A young boy who insisted that his parents took him to a Zorro movie - he was the one that led to your parents' death. If not for him, they'd still be alive today."
Batman stands in silence, his emotions unreadable.
"Hugo's waiting for you, Batman. In the Batcave. Nice talking to you, we must do it again sometime."
Hugo switches off the plasma screen. "So, do you like what we've done with the place?" he asks me, his arms outstretched.
"Why are you doing this to Batman?" I reply, ignoring his question.
"The Rann thing wasn't to get at Batman, it was to get at his mother," Hugo calmly explains. "I've got something much worse planned for Batman. It's for his own good, though. I'm his father, you see. I've got his best interests at heart. You've got to understand why Bruce became Batman in the first place. Following that traumatic night in Crime Alley, he could have become a politician, lobbying for gun control, or followed in his father's footsteps and become a surgeon or a paramedic saving gunshot victims. Instead, he devotes his life to fighting crime, but it's a war he can never win. There's only one possible outcome - eventually he'll be killed. Bruce doesn't know it, but subconsciously he blames himself for the death of his parents. He sat there crying when he should have been calling for medical help (although it's unlikely that it would have helped). And because he blames himself, he's subconsciously killing himself. Becoming Batman may be a slow way of committing suicide, but it's a sure way. He needs someone else to blame, and after today he'll be blaming me."
He moves over to Kid Eternity and whispers something to him.
"Time for a quick rehearsal before Batman arrives. A classic from the past."
"Eternity," says the Kid of the same name.
A man appears. He looks around confused.
"Eternity."
A woman appears. She looks at the man, then at Hugo, and her face turns white.
"Bye, Thomas," says Hugo as he pumps bullets into the man.
The woman screams.
"So long, Martha," says Hugo, pressing the trigger one last time.
"So, Barbara. Think he'll like it?"
