Chapter 9 - Victor Hugo?
Thomas and Martha Wayne's lifeless bodies are lying on the ground. It's a sight that will stay with me forever, and it's no wonder that Bruce can never erase this scene from his memory. However, after a word from Hugo, Kid Eternity manages to erase the scene with just two words.
As my mind tries once again to comprehend the lengths Hugo will go to in order to destroy Batman, another question occurs to me.
"How did Kid Eternity summon Martha Wayne?" I ask Hugo. "Isn't she already here?"
"No, Barbara. You're jumping to conclusions. Martha Wayne isn't Bruce's natural mother."
"So, who's Bruce's natural mother?"
"She's the one that just got back from Rann. Try to keep up, Barbara."
Great. Just as I think I've got Myst figured out she goes back to being a mystery again.
Suddenly, Catwoman sits down on Boston Brand's lap, straddling him, and puts her gloved right hand on the back of his neck and pulls his face towards hers. In a voice that she's made just loud enough for me to overhear, she says "Hugo says we're going to Metropolis next. He's going to use the Kid to re-unite Superman and Zod. Should be fun. Anyway, that means you get to stick around with us a bit longer. That means we'll get to have fun again, like we did before Barbara and Alfred showed up. You can tell me about your circus days again, and I can give you the Greatest Show on Earth. Maybe I can wear the Black Canary outfit again - you liked the fishnets. Very Chicago."
As Boston's face transforms in color to match his costume, I ask Hugo another question.
"You realize Batman's always beaten your mandroids in the past. Apart from their responsometers, what makes these mandroids so special?"
"Nice of you to show an interest in my work, Barbara," Hugo replies with a smile. I'm actually trying to measure my enemy's strength, but Hugo's too vain to realize this and starts to boast about his creations:
"None of the ideas behind their design are actually original. A little bit from Niles Caulder's Robotman here, a little bit of Will Magnus' Metal Men there. Also, I had a child prodigy Bernard who contributed an incredible amount. Of course, all the really good android designs I couldn't get my hands on - I would have liked to have seen some of Ivo and Morrow's designs, and, even with Access' help, I never managed to get Horton's and Von Doom's designs. However, when you mix all the bits I did get together, give or take the odd secret ingredient, you get the ultimate in humanoid robots - my mandroids."
"But they must have a weakness?"
"If they did, Barbara, I wouldn't tell you. Do I look stupid?"
"No, just insane."
"That's right and don't forget it." Hugo turns his attention away from me to look at a device in his hand. "Batman's going to be here in a few seconds, mandroids. Get into position."
The mandroids start to walk towards the entrance. The Ventriloquist stops on his way there, turns, and walks over to me. "When this is over, Garg, Gang Gang" Scarface says to me, with a wink and a nod of his head, waving his machine gun at me. "But first, I've got some gullets wit' Gatman's name on 'em."
Then Batman enters the Batcave and makes a beeline directly towards Hugo. The mandroids throw themselves at him, but they don't slow him down. Not at first. But as they pile on him, Ventriloquist after Scarecrow after Mad Hatter after Poison Ivy after Catwoman after Two-Face after Joker after Mr. Freeze after Killer Croc, he's finally slowed down and brought to a halt. Struggling, he's chained to a large oak chair in the center of the room, and Catwoman pulls his cowl back revealing Bruce Wayne's face.
Hugo then starts to tell Bruce slowly and calmly about his plan and about what OR stands for. Bruce sits there silently.
"So, that's all you need to know, Bruce. I realize that I might not have been the best father to you, and it's probably too late to make amends, but let's see if this helps…"
Hugo walks over to Kid Eternity and whispers in his ear.
"Eternity. Eternity."
Thomas and Martha Wayne appear once again. Bruce stays silent, not showing any emotion, but his eyes tell a different story.
"Now, I realize that all these years you've been blaming yourself for their deaths," Hugo says, producing a gun, "but here's where all that changes."
Hugo slowly aims his gun at the Waynes, as they hold on to each other, waiting for the inevitable. I look at Bruce. Suddenly green smoke starts pouring out of his mouth. I see the terror in his eyes, and we both realize, just before his head explodes: Even a mandroid can die.
Batman's exploding head fills the Batcave with green smoke, and then, through the smoke, I spot him. The real Batman's arrived.
Everything's going to plan. Batman's been ahead of Hugo all along, ahead of all of us. He guessed what OR meant, so he sent Dick to Rann in his place, along with the tracking device that Catwoman attempted to plant on him.
Meanwhile, Batman paid a visit to Access and went on vacation to a different Universe, upgrading his weaponry. I don't know what his new batarangs are made of, but they slice straight through the mandroids. One cuts Two-Face's head in two, separating the good from the bad, while another goes through The Joker's neck and the next second he's literally laughed his head off. A third batarang slices through the top of The Ventriloquist's arm and Scarface plummets to the ground. Another batarang slices through Mr. Freeze's weapon, which, as it's contents escape, leaves Freeze and Killer Croc frozen in blocks of ice. Then Batman's firing ropes from his wrists, swinging around the Batcave, and firing nets at the mandroids. Finally, the smoke clears and all the mandroids are defeated.
The Waynes are lying, shaking on the ground, and Hugo's pointing his gun at them. "So, Batman, we seem to have reached a stalemate."
"Go ahead, Hugo, you poor deluded creature. Kill them. It'll just remind me why Batman's still needed. By the way, your plan failed. It was Nightwing who went to Rann with my mother, not me."
"Oh, Bruce, you're no fun. Looks like it's time for Plan B."
"And what's Plan B?"
"I am," says Catwoman, ripping through the net that was holding her captive.
Batman throws a batarang at her, but she just catches it.
"Expensive stuff, Adamantium," explains Hugo, "I could only afford enough for one mandroid. Now, Catwoman, take care of Batman while I get rid of the Waynes."
Catwoman launches a lightning attack on Batman. For a few seconds he manages to counter each of her blows, but then she manages to get the better of him, as he's distracted by the gunfire and his mother's screams. As his parents breathe their final breaths, Batman's lying on the ground helpless, Catwoman still lashing out at him.
"Hey, Black Canary, we've got unfinished business," I shout at Catwoman, as I slip off the ropes that were binding me (no problem for someone who's had escapology lessons from Batman and Mister Miracle). I don't stand the remotest chance of surviving a physical encounter with her, but I know that the only person here who can stop her is Hugo, and I'm hoping his feelings for me aren't completely dead.
"OK, Barb, if that's what you want," says Catwoman, switching to Black Canary's voice, and starts to walk towards me. Hugo watches dispassionately as she approaches me. It looks like my gamble might not pay off.
Catwoman kneels in front of me, unwraps the rope from around my legs, and casts the rope aside. She then stands up and, carefully removing my glasses, whispers "Bye, Barb." She reaches out for me with her arms and I swerve to avoid her, but she's anticipated my move, and the next thing I know she lifts me up over her head and throws me towards the wall. I bounce painfully off the wall and land on the ground.
"That's enough, Catwoman," Hugo says. Looks like my gamble might pay off after all.
Catwoman opens her mouth and says, in Hugo's voice, "Kid Eternity. Send Hugo back to Hell."
"Eternity," says Kid Eternity.
"Jo…" says Hugo Strange, and then he's gone, before he can finish his word. The word that will shut down Catwoman. Fortunately, I know what the word is. The word that Hugo was trying to say when he died, the name of Oedipus' wife and mother.
Catwoman does some fancy back-flips over to Kid Eternity and knocks him unconscious with one swift kick. "Don't want him bringing Hugo back now, do we?"
Catwoman walks over to me, lifts me up by the neck, and is just about to punch me when I manage to gasp the word:
"Jocasta."
Catwoman stops dead.
And then she punches me. "Wrong word." And then she punches me again. And again. And I see blood on her gloves, and realize it's mine.
"Hold it right there, Catwoman."
Catwoman hears the voice, throws me aside, and turns round. "Who has the gall?"
"I've got the galls, Sister, now eat lead," says Scarface, and then unleashes a hail of bullets at Catwoman from his machine gun.
Catwoman falls over. Scarface stands triumphant. "I'm the goss now. You're witnessing the girth of Gotham's greatest crime lord," he shouts. Then he turns his head towards Boston Brand.
"Are you laughin' at me, Goston Grand? Do you find me amusin'? Do you think I'm a guffoon? An imgecile? Let me tell you somethin', you're gonna wake up tomorrow lying on a slag."
Boston continues laughing, despite the tape on his mouth. He wants Scarface to kill him. That way Boston can find another body to inhabit and hopefully get some help.
Scarface turns round and starts walking to Boston. It's then that I spot what's making Boston laugh. The Ventriloquist's arm's dangling behind him like some bizarre tail. Unfortunately it makes me laugh as well, and, since my mouth isn't sealed up like Boston's, my laugh is even louder. Scarface turns his attention my way.
"What's so funny, Gargara Gordon? I can understan' that gig gagoon Goston laughin' at me, but you? Think you're a gig shot gecause you used to ge Gatgirl."
He turns his machine gun to point at me, and continues talking.
"Don't think you're getter than me. I can geat any superhero, you name 'em. Gooster Gold, Logo, Glue Devil …"
I bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing, and pray that he doesn't try and say Bwana Beast. Meanwhile, through it all, Alfred manages to keep the same straight face - if anything he's looking a little bored by it all. And then I see Catwoman, behind Scarface, starting to stand up.
"Behind you!" I shout at Scarface.
"Don't try and gamgoozle me, Gargara. I wasn't gorn yesterday."
"Hey, little man. We've got unfinished business," says Catwoman, tapping on Scarface's shoulder.
Scarface turns round to see her and exclaims "Good God!"
"Thanks, I work out a lot," she says, picking Scarface up.
"Hey, gage, no hard feelings. Hey, what are you doin'?"
"Don't call me gage," she replies as she pulls The Ventriloquist's arm out of Scarface. "I've always fancied being a ventriloquist," she continues as she places her arm into Scarface and then turns Scarface as she works her arm further and further into him.
"Aargh, my gutt! Aargh, my guts. Aargh .."
"No more gargled goggledygook?" Catwoman asks, her hand now sticking out of Scarface's mouth. "What's the matter, Scarface? Cat got your tongue?"
She then tosses the limp Scarface aside and gets back to me.
"So, Barb, where were we? Ah yes, I remember."
And then she starts punching me again - I guess I should be thankful that she's given up ventriloquism.
And then she's seeing how far she can throw me. Fortunately I land without any injury.
"Oh dear. It looks like I've broken my Barbie," she says as she looks at me with wide eyes.
I don't know what she's talking about, and then I look down and see that my left leg's going off at an odd angle. Suddenly I feel nauseous.
And then Catwoman's punching me again, and then everything goes black.
"Hi, Barbara, remember me?"
"Should I?"
"You've stared me in the face enough times."
"Death? Shouldn't you have a scythe?"
"I sometimes do. People see me different ways. Sometimes I'm carrying a scythe, sometimes I'm wearing an ankh, sometimes I've got a suit of armor and skis. The permutations are … Endless."
"Are you here for me?"
"No … not yet, but you must be pretty near death if you can see me. Actually, I'm running a bit late. I've come to pick up Hugo, again."
"Could you ask him how to shut down Catwoman?"
"No, it's against the rules, I'm afraid. Maybe he left you some sort of clue … Boy, this place sure has changed since my sister used to hang out here?"
"Sorry?"
"She used to have a crush on Batman, so she'd hang out down here and hero worship him. She pretended to be a magical imp and he believed her. Simpler times, but you won't remember any of that, it was before the big merger. Shouldn't really have mentioned it - first rule of Mite Club."
"Not another film reference. You're sounding like Black Canary, I mean Catwoman, I mean … film reference … that's it. Thanks."
Another punch connects with me.
"Joshua."
Catwoman stops mid-punch. I wait a few seconds just to be sure that she's not pretending, but this time she isn't.
"Very War Games." I say, and then everything goes black, but this time I don't meet Death, just some kid claiming to be related to her.
