Author's Notes, Annotations, Deleted Scenes, Etc.
Introduction
The story's now complete. If you don't want to read this section then you're perfectly within your rights and I'll understand and I can only thank you for making it this far. For those of you who are still sticking round, here's a ridiculously detailed look behind OR (think of it like the special features on a DVD. Who knows, I might even throw in an Easter Egg along the way).
It all started out so innocently. I was trying to think of a way to mess up Batman's origin (like I'd messed up The Hulk's origin in my story The Physics Lesson (first in a long line of shameless plugs)). Batman's origin, as if you needed telling, is that his parents were killed. I wondered what it would do to Batman if he found out that this wasn't the case. What if Thomas Wayne wasn't his father? If that was the case then who could be his father. Thomas Wayne was a doctor so he'd probably mix with other doctors. That's when I thought of Professor Hugo Strange, who I've always liked as a character anyway (maybe because he's so under-used), It made far more sense, in my opinion, for Batman's father to be some weird obsessive psycho genius like Hugo than some mild-mannered doctor like Thomas.
Anyway, that's how I originally came up with the idea (quite a while back), and I was going to write a story called Strange Days where the big ending would have involved Hugo revealing this to Batman.
And then I thought of The Empire Strikes Back, and Luke and Darth, and I realized that it might all come across as a bad Star Wars rip-off, so I thought about it some more. I thought about Hugo and psychology and eventually thought about the Oedipus complex and remembered the play Oedipus Rex by Sophocles (which I studied many years ago in school). It seemed such an incredibly sick and twisted idea to impose on Batman that, even though I thought about it a lot, I decided not to write it.
But then, as I read more and more fan fiction, I began to change my mind. I read other stories that were in the same sick and twisted ballpark, and so thought it was time to tell the story.
Chapter One
Author's Notes
The story didn't really fall into place until I picked Barbara Gordon to be my narrator. I figured that if I told it from Batman's point of view it would just be incredibly depressing, whereas using Barbara as a narrator meant that I could interject a little humor here and there.
Anyway, this first chapter is basically trying to trick the reader that Batman is dead (rather than the unnamed Hugo) and that Barbara Gordon is a murderess (which she isn't) in the hope that the reader will be interested enough to stick around to Chapter Two.
Annotations
The title "Barbara Gordon: Murderess" is a nod to the "Bruce Wayne: Murderer" storyline that ran through the Batman titles, starting with Batman: The 10-Cent Adventure in February 2002.
Young Barbara Gordon's kidnapping by The Mad Hatter featured in Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale's Legends Of The Dark Knight Halloween Special called "Madness". It was also reprinted in the Batman Haunted Knight trade paperback (which is where I came across it).
The bit about Hugo wearing a Batman costume is taken from the comics. In Doug Moench and Paul Gulacy's Prey (Legends Of The Dark Knight 11-15, also collected as a trade paperback) Hugo's shown wearing his Batman costume.
Following a quick bit of research on the newsgroups, it seemed that the thing Hugo was most famous for seemed to be dying. That's why there are the references to it not being the first time that's Hugo's been reported dead. Similarly, Batman's been thought to be dead on various occasions.
Jack Ryder - TV anchorman, also know as The Creeper. The first of many pointless DC references throughout the story. Having read Avitable's Slow Burn 2 (in the DC Elseworlds section) I thought all the references were pretty neat, so I thought I'd try and shoehorn in as many DC references as I could.
Steve Lombard - TV sportscaster from the '70s Superman comics. I doubt if he's appeared post-Crisis.
The teenager at the end of the story, who can summon a hero with a magic word, is Kid Eternity. He's bringing Hugo back to life due to his post-hypnotic suggestion (explained in chapter 8). When I started writing this chapter it looked like Kid Eternity, who was killed in JSA 1, was being brought back to life in the DC Universe, since he turned up at the end of JSA 47. One of the reasons I originally put this story in the DC Elseworlds category was to cope with any continuity upsets like this, but I finally decided that it didn't really belong there and moved it to the Batman category.
Deleted Scene
When I made Barbara Gordon the narrator, I had to lose one of the cameo appearances that I had planned for later in the story, because I couldn't figure out a way to fit it in the story anymore. Here's that deleted scene (which has previously appeared in my Bio):
On the way out, Batman stumbled on a pair of children locked in a heated conversation.
"You're the girl. You get to be the dumb blonde one," said the red-haired boy.
"No, I want to be Awk'man!" said the little girl, shaking her fist.
"OK, I'll be Mer'man," said the boy, backing down.
"Now, now, children," said a smiling Batman, as he interceded, "I really think you mean Hawkman and Aquaman, and I'm sure Black Canary wouldn't appreciate being referred to as a dumb blonde."
The little girl turned to him, "Don't be so stoopid, Mister Batsman. Hawkman and Aqu'man aren't in the 'ferior Five."
As Batman exited, red-faced, the little girl, whose blonde hair was tied with a red bow, turned to the red haired boy. "Things sure were easier when the grown-ups didn't understan' us, Dollboy."
The three year old boy held his open hand to his forehead. "Oh, to be young again." he said wistfully, remembering his lost youth.
The children were Sugar and Spike, and they were talking about Dumb Bunny, Merryman, and Awkwardman from The Inferior Five.
Chapter Two
Author's Notes
Massive information dump chapter. Way too much exposition in retrospect. At the time I just wanted to get to Chapter 9 and its cool Adamantium batarangs as fast as possible. I originally wrote this as just an Instant Messaging conversation (having recently discovered Instant Messaging), but then felt this was cheating, and also felt that I was copying off a story I'd recently read (dupidnavagog's Wayne's Legacy in the Batman Beyond section which also featured an Instant Messaging chapter) and rewrote it all.
Annotations
The title "Unfinished Words" refers to OR (Oedipus Rex), Joker (which might actually have been an unfinished Jocasta), and the conversation between Barbara and Snapper. It's also, completely unconnectedly, the title of a song by The Rutles.
Lois - Lois Lane.
Snapper Carr - Non-superhero character. Most famous for hanging out with the Justice League of America and, more recently, Hourman and Young Justice.
He's betrayed the JLA - In Justice League of America issue 77. Snapper's version of events was retold in Hourman issue 16.
chicksLoveTheCarr: clicks fingers - Snapper's name is taken from Batman's line to Chase Meridian in Batman Forever "It's the car, right? Chicks love the car." The clicking of fingers is why Snapper got his nickname Snapper in the first place.
that Rick guy - Snapper Carr had a phone conversation with Marvel Comics' Rick Jones at the start of Young Justice 39. At the time of writing this chapter Rick had been stuck in the Microverse for ages in Marvel's Captain Marvel comic, which is why Snapper hadn't been in touch with him recently.
YJ finishing - at the time of writing, the Young Justice comic had just finished.
made him look years younger - the reason he looks years younger is that he keeps getting resurrected from the dead by Kid Eternity and therefore doesn't age.
Resurrection Man - There was a Challengers Of The Unknown villain of this name and also a DC superhero. Every time they died they came back with a new power.
It passed all the Allen tests - Barry Allen (the original Flash) was also a police scientist, so I made up these test that he could have devised. In case you're wondering, the test for a clone is to carbon date it - I saw them do it on an episode of Cleopatra 2525 so it must work.
mandroid - androids that Hugo Strange created.
Bizarro - Pre-Crisis, they were from another planet. Post-Crisis, they were bad clones.
he wasn't only really dead, he was really most sincerely dead - this is paraphrasing a line from one of the Munchkins in The Wizard of Oz film.
To the batpole! - A reference to the '60s Batman TV series. In case you want to argue that they wouldn't have this, let alone the Batman Forever film, in the DC Universe, I offer in my defense a scene in an early issue of Sovereign Seven where they're obviously arguing over who's the best Batman, Val or Michael, and they end up deciding on Adam. How the TV series and films fit in chronologically with the DC Universe I wouldn't like to guess.
the Joker incident - The Joker is, of course, a Batman villain, and the incident referred to is where The Joker shot Barbara Gordon, paralyzing her from the waist down (this occurred in Alan Moore and Brian Bolland's The Killing Joke graphic novel).
he'd wrecked both our career paths - as well as paralyzing Barbara Gordon, putting an end to her previous career as Batgirl, The Joker was also behind Snapper Carr's betrayal of the Justice League in the aforementioned Justice League of America 77.
JLA - Justice League of America. Bunch of costumed heroes who save the universe a lot. Besides Oracle, their roster includes such luminaries as Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Green Lantern, The Martian Manhunter, Plastic Man, and, possibly, Santa Claus.
Hugo knows Batman is Bruce Wayne - Hugo learnt this during Steve Englehart and Marshall Rogers' run on Detective Comics in the late '70s.
Huntress - Gotham superheroine. Pre-Crisis she was the Earth-2 Batman's daughter, post-Crisis she was a mobster's daughter.
"Smelly Cat", the song Phoebe plays - this is a vague attempt at a clue on my part. Not the Smelly Cat bit (although, depending on your pronunciation, "seedy puss" may rhyme with Oedipus), but the "Phoebe plays" bit. Oedipus Rex is one of Sophocles' "Theban plays".
a bunch of videos of Friends, along with some videos of Dinosaurs (the sitcom)
- these are Hugo's incredibly unhelpful attempts at clues to what OR stands for. Oedipus was the king of Thebes (as opposed to Pheebs, the Friends character), whereas Dinosaurs had a baby (called Baby) whose catchphrase was "Love The Mama!". Sitcoms that I also considered including where "My Two Dads" and "My Mother The Car" (where a dead mother comes back to life as, you guessed it, a car) but I was afraid they were too obvious.
a knocked-over bonsai - another pathetic attempt at a clue from Hugo. A bonsai is a tiny tree, and "tiny tree" is an anagram of "Eternity" (this anagram is one of the few things I can remember from Grant Morrison's Kid Eternity mini-series).
dressed in cheap lingerie - In Moench and Gulacy's Prey story, Hugo was often shown sat in his apartment sitting with a lingerie-clad mannequin (although I couldn't say for certain whether the lingerie was cheap or not)
Leslie Thompkins - Dr. Leslie Thompkins is a character from the Batman comics. She's a friend of Bruce and Alfred and she knows that Bruce Wayne is Batman. She also helped comfort the young Bruce Wayne following the death of his parents.
Ray Palmer - AKA The Atom, diminutive superhero.
STAR Labs - Scientific laboratories in the DC Universe.
J'onn - J'onn J'onnz AKA The Martian Manhunter. Likes: Oreo cookies. Dislikes: Fire.
Superman - obscure DC superhero introduced in 1938.
Batman doesn't want to. He wants to figure it own on his own - this mirrors the play Oedipus Rex. If Oedipus had just put his feet up and not started investigating then he'd have lived happily ever after. As it was, his wife/mother killed herself and he blinded himself. On the bright side he did get mentioned in a fanfic a couple of thousand years later, but it's hardly compensation. Likewise, Batman ignores everyone's advice and continues investigating this non-crime (a dead man killing himself) and at the end of the day tragedy results.
the mystery woman's in great shape - that's because she's a circus performer in her prime. Dick Grayson's mother to be exact (I assume you figured that out, I was hardly subtle).
She's also got traces of rope burns on her arms and legs - I'd guess this would be an occupational hazard for a trapeze artist.
Also, all of her hair's dyed black - a complete red herring, as her hair's black anyway, as is revealed later on in the story. The reason Hugo, and I, did this, was merely to widen the range of possible suspects for the mystery woman.
Hugo's final word, as reported by an eye witness. "Joker" - or it could have been an unfinished "Jocasta", the name of Oedipus's wife/mother.
I've got a motive. A great motive - Barbara's motive is that she doesn't want Bruce to find out that Hugo, rather than Thomas, is his father, because of any unknown effect it might have on Bruce. It might drive him insane. It might make him give up being Batman. Who knows?
hugoAGoGo - Hugo's name is taken from Hugo A-Go-Go, the villain in the '60s cartoon show Bat Fink.
Chapter 3
Author's Notes
I hadn't originally planned to give away Hugo's relation to Bruce so early in the story, but did so for the following reasons. The wrong answer that Batman came up with to The Riddler's clue (it was the boy's mother) actually gave away the identity of the mystery woman (which I somehow didn't realize when I originally came up with the riddle). I had Barbara blurt out the "right" answer just to prevent the reader from working out the mystery woman's identity too soon. Also, more importantly, I was getting fed up with Barbara moaning about this secret she had to keep, which was adding a bit of a gloomy air to the narrative. In addition, I was worried to what lengths The Batman would go to if he thought that Barbara was keeping a secret from him, and I decided that I really didn't want to find out.
Annotations
The title "Mad" refers to Mad comic (where the opening paragraph draws its inspiration from), as well as to the inmates of Arkham Asylum and the fact that Bruce gets some news that might drive him insane.
The dream in the first paragraph is a self-indulgent reprise of a line I've used in some of my other works of fan fiction. The line comes from Mad's "Batboy and Rubin" story (with Batboy replaced by Batman). The bit about getting the quote right refers to the fact that, whilst double-checking it for this story, I realized that I'd always misquoted it in the past.
"Listen, Bats, this is urgent. You can't trust the dame. Me and her have a lot in common and ..." - we later learn, in Chapter 8, that this is actually being said by Boston Brand, AKA Deadman, who's taken over The Joker's body to warn Batman about Hugo's plan. In case you're wondering he couldn't simply take over Hugo's body or Kid Eternity's body, and finish things off relatively correctly, because they've both technically died and are therefore off limits to him. Anyway, the dame and him do have a lot in common - they were both trapeze artists murdered during their acts.
Miss Quinzel - Harleen Quinzel, who later became the villainess, and The Joker's girlfriend, Harley Quinn.
I'm supposed to pose you an incredibly complicated riddle - the reason for all the riddles is that, aside from his unique family situation, Oedipus was also famous for solving the riddle of the Sphinx.
E. Nigma - Edward Nigma AKA The Riddler.
off the coast of Paradise Island, long ago and be curing us with a purple ray - On Wonder Woman's Paradise Island they have a purple ray that can cure all medical afflictions, or at least they did in pre-Crisis continuity. If they've not got it anymore in post-Crisis continuity, then this must just be insane babbling on The Joker's part.
Insanity's ugly, it's not just some cute little red-haired girl - the cute little red-haired girl being referred to, who makes appearances later on in this chapter, is Delirium of the Endless (from Neil Gaiman's The Sandman).
"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" The Joker shouts - this is The Joker quoting (or attempting to quote - I didn't check whether I got the quote right) Jack Nicholson's character from the movie "A Few Good Men". Jack Nicholson, as you know, played The Joker in Tim Burton's 1989 Batman movie.
As mentioned in the author's notes, both of the possible answers to The Riddler's riddle (it's his mother, it's not his real father) are clues to Hugo's plan (the mystery woman is his mother, Hugo is his real father).
some kid named Robby with an identity crisis - Robby Reed, who could become a different hero each time in the original Dial H For Hero series.
another kid who says he can see dead people - Kid Eternity who can summon dead people
a guy called Irwin who keeps popping up - Irwin Schwab AKA Ambush Bug. The popping up is a reference to his teleportation ability.
a group of heroes with an inferiority complex - The Inferior Five, comedy superhero team from the '60s
Dumb Bunny - Female member of the Inferior Five.
However, I tried tracking her down through some detective agencies, and this girl Angel at one of them managed to find her straight away - Angel is Angel O'Hara of Angel And The Ape fame. Dumb Bunny's related to her, which is why she could find her so quickly.
Merry, Girl Of A Thousand Gimmicks, who turned out to be not so merry after all. She ended it all when her sea monkeys died - at the time of writing I'd forgotten that Merry appeared in Young Justice as a member of Old Justice, so she isn't actually dead as Barbara suggests here. However, as I also read shortly after writing this on a Justice Society newsgroup, in an issue of Infinity, Inc. Hank King Jr. states that his mother (Merry) is dead, so she might be dead after all.
some guy called Access who seems to have created his own fantasy world - Access first appeared in the Marvel Vs DC mini-series. He's a character who can cross between the Marvel and DC Universes.
S. Knight - this is probably Sandra Knight AKA Phantom Lady, who was a member of a group of superheroes called the Freedom Fighters.
Shining Knight - Golden Age superhero. He was a knight, Sir Justin, who'd been transported through time, along with his winged horse, Winged Victory. He was one of the eight members of The Seven Soldiers of Victory. I don't know if he's gay.
There's a few more but they're really obscure - No, there weren't. I couldn't think of any more (apart from Looker of The Outsiders who I was going to say had a self-image problem - but I forgot to include her).
Hugo also had a file on me. I've still not managed to bring myself to read it - she finally reads it in Chapter 7.
Quite a while ago some extra members were added to the JLA - In JLA 16 to be exact.
Plastic Man was a former criminal - indeed he was, Eel O'Brien.
The Huntress came from a mob family - the Bertinellis.
and the less said about Orion's dad the better - Orion's dad is Darkseid, a major bad guy of the DC Universe.
Thomas Wayne - Bruce Wayne's father. Although, for the purpose of this story, he isn't really.
"It looks like it's time to call in Nightwing." - although the narrative doesn't make it very clear, Batman's saying this. He's calling in Nightwing so that he can pretend to be Batman if necessary, and thus foil Hugo's plan (or so he thinks).
Chapter 4
Author's Notes
This is my favorite chapter, and it wrote itself (as much as anything ever writes itself). Unfortunately it doesn't progress the plot in any way, shape or form. It was originally intended to contain what ended up in Chapter 5 (more Arkham visits), but I just couldn't be bothered visiting Arkham again straight away, and I just felt like an action scene (not that I particularly like action scenes, they invariably tend to work better in a visual medium like comics than they do in fan fiction).
Annotations
Killing Joker - The title's based on "The Killing Joke", the Batman graphic novel by Moore and Bolland (and previously the name of a band). It's not obvious from the title whether it's The Joker being killed or The joker doing the killing, and I like that, although it wasn't the least bit intentional.
you, of all people, should know the answer to that - Batman thinks that Barbara should figure out that OR stands for Oedipus Rex because she's Oracle, and an oracle features heavily in the tale of Oedipus Rex.
I think it's best if you look after the woman from now on - Now that Batman's figured out that the mystery woman's his mother, he's making sure that they're no longer in close proximity to one another.
But you've not let her meet any of us until now, not even Alfred - I wasn't sure how long Alfred had been in service with the Waynes, so I thought it safest not to let him meet the mystery woman (even though she'd be unrecognizable in her mask).
Don't keep secrets from me again, and never ever trust Snapper Carr to keep his mouth shut - Batman's implying that Snapper told him about Barbara sending the mandroid to kill Hugo. As we find out later, Batman may be lying.
On the drive home, having advised my passenger, who was wearing a Batman mask, to try and look inconspicuous - this was inspired by a line from the '60s Batman TV series, where Batman tells Robin that the two of them, dressed in their superhero outfits, should try and look inconspicuous.
The Joker stays attached like some demonic red hood ornament - The Joker used to be a criminal called The Red Hood. This reference is the sole reason that I had the mandroid filled with artificial blood.
Some call him the Space Cowboy, some call him the Gangster of Love... - Barbara's paraphrasing the lyrics from "The Joker" by The Steve Miller Band (although my favorite rendition of the song came from Homer Simpson).
Can I call you Myst? - Myst seemed like a good name for the mystery woman. In case you're wondering I've only ever played the game of the same name once, for about half an hour, and was never tempted to play it again. For the record, my favorite adventure game (apart from text-only Infocom ones) is Zork: Grand Inquisitor, but that would have been a silly name to give her.
During my early teens, I'd hang out there full time, just to avoid my father and his drinking - apparently Barbara's real father, Commissioner Gordon's brother, was an alcoholic.
Uncle Jim - Commissioner Gordon
Mall Gordon, Member of The Teen Tantrum Corps - depending on how you pronounce the word "mall", this may vaguely rhyme with Hal Jordan, Member of The Green Lantern Corps. For some reason I think that things that rhyme with other things are inherently funny - I blame this on reading too many Mad magazines during my formative years.
lmao - This is short for "laughing my ass off". Despite working with computers for a living, I'm completely no fait with all this net lingo, and only discovered this abbreviation a month or so before writing this chapter.
Cassie - Cassandra Cain AKA the new Batgirl. After I'd written a few chapters containing Cassandra, I noticed that, in the comic, Barbara tends to call her Cass rather than Cassie. Sorry if I confused anybody by referring to her as Cassie throughout the story.
Deleted Scene
Another self-indulgent fan fiction induced dream sequence almost found it's way into this chapter:
Against my better judgement, I read some fan fiction before going to bed.
My sleep's interrupted by a dream of Bruce. The news I gave him today has destroyed him, and, like his father before him, he's turned to a life of crime. Joining forces with The Penguin, he's taken over the whole of Gotham's underworld. But that's not enough for Bruce.
Also, in my dream, The Penguin is just that - a cartoon penguin, whereas Bruce seems to be a flying mouse with a giant cranium.
The Penguin asks Bruce what they're going to do tonight, now that they've taken over Gotham. Bruce ponders for a moment, and then replies:
"Why, Pengy, we're going to do what we'll do every night from now on. Try and take over the world!"
"Brilliant, BWayne, narf narf," says Pengy jumping for joy.
I wake up screaming. When will I ever learn?
Chapter 5
Author's Notes
When I wrote the clues in Chapter 3, I figured that I'd come up with something interesting for Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze to say to Batman by the time I came to write about them. Unfortunately, I didn't. Poison Ivy's information was originally going to be revealed later in the story by the original Red Tornado (who was revealed to be dead in Young Justice, but I was going to say she faked her death just so that she wouldn't get pestered by supervillains trying to get even and superheroes begging for her help). However, since (after the ending of JSA 47) I thought they were going to re-introduce Kid Eternity, I was afraid that in the upcoming fiftieth issue they'd use him to summon all the dead JSA heroes (the original Sandman, Mr Terrific and Red Tornado) to help in the big battle. Seeing that this would conflict with my storyline (which, as it turns out, it wouldn't have done) and also because it seemed to be going off at a bit of a tangent from the rest of the story, I decided to ditch the Ma Hunkel segment.
Annotations
A Case Of Myst-Taken Identity - the title is just a bad pun. It refers to Myst taking Barbara's Batgirl identity, and also to Barbara mistaking Myst for Mr. Freeze's wife, Nora.
Ronald McDonald - the McDonald's fast food chain's red haired clown.
Dick would have understood - Dick is Dick Grayson, the original Robin (now Nightwing).
the shatterproof Plexiglas that keeps her pheromones at bay - I have to confess at this stage that, for the past ten years, the only Batman stories I've read (apart from his appearances in the JLA and the very occasional issue of Legends of The Dark Knight) are those written by Jeph Loeb, Bob Gale and Frank Miller. In order to bluff my way through this story I was helped a great deal by the Internet and Scott Beatty's Batman Encyclopedia. That's where I found out about the Plexiglas.
Dr. Victor Fries - Mr. Freeze's real name.
I hear the sound of a coin being tossed - the coin actually lands good side up, so Harvey doesn't tell Batman about his traumatic origins.
Come back after your vacation - Two-Face is referring to Batman's (or rather, Nightwing's) forthcoming trip to Rann.
It's a doll, with big cheeks and a Flash costume - It's Cheeks, the Toy Wonder, from the first issue of Ambush Bug.
Arnold Wesker - The Ventriloquist's real name.
The grave and the gold - The Ventriloquist (or rather his dummy) pronounces b's as g's. This is how The Ventriloquist would pronounce "The Brave and The Bold" (the name of a DC comic which started off as a showcase comic and then went on to feature Batman team-ups).
Chapter 6
Author's Notes
When I started writing this story, I also started reading the Birds of Prey comic, just to try and get a feel for Barbara Gordon's character. It occurred to me that, by this point, the readers must wonder what Black Canary's doing while all this is taking place, so this chapter attempts to resolve this situation. I originally wrote this as just a conversation between Barbara and Dinah (AKA The Black Canary), but was afraid that, since some of the conversation related incidents that had happened since the last chapter, some readers might think they'd accidentally skipped a chapter. So, I rewrote the start of it, and also introduced Catwoman (or rather a mandroid of her) into the story, just so that I could use the title "The Cat And The Canary". Until I got to this chapter, I wasn't planning to feature Catwoman in the story at all.
The Cat and The Canary - This is the title of a Bob Hope film. Aside from the fact that, at one point, he had his own DC comic, it was also his 100th Birthday on the week I posted this chapter. The title also refers to Catwoman and Black Canary (who turn out to be the same character).
Dumb and Dumber - Sophisticated comedy of the '90s starring Jim Carrey and directed by the Farrelly brothers.
Gold - A member of a superhero team of robots, The Metal Men. They had electronic brains called responsometers which resulted in them having human emotions.
I tried to sell your giant penny - this was Two-Face's giant penny that Batman kept in the trophy room of the Batcave.
I've had to put up with this sort of stuff for months: the Cowl and the Pussycat getting hot and heavy - this is a reference to the first couple of issues of Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee's Hush storyline. One of the reasons that I finally got round to writing this story was that I was afraid that Hugo Strange would be the main villain in Hush (is it a coincidence that Hugo and Hush are both four letter words beginning HU?).
Jack Marshall - a really obscure one, this. I had to look up his name on the Internet because I'd completely forgotten it. Jack Marshall was the hero of Lewis Shiner and Tom Sutton's DC series The Hacker Files.
Will Magnus - Creator of the Metal Men.
handing me the object, that turns out to be a camera of some kind - I don't know who planted this camera there. Hugo to spy on Barbara, Batman to spy on Barbara, or Jack's just pretended to find it in an attempt to drum up some business.
"But I've only just had a complete overhaul," I groan - when I wrote this chapter she'd just had a new security system fitted in the Birds of Prey comic.
Great. Well, see you next Wednesday - "See you next Wednesday" is a phrase taken from John Landis films. There's no real reason why I used it in the context of the story.
Bye. Thanks for the memory - Another Bob Hope reference. "Thanks For The Memory" is the song associated with him.
Hugo had had another son, before Bruce, who'd followed his father into medicine and become a surgeon, but, following a car crash, his career had been ruined so he'd turned to alcohol and Hugo had never heard from again - this is a reference to Marvel's Dr Strange and his origin. Either Hugo's son was the DC Universe's version of Dr Strange who rather than looking for The Ancient One just drank himself to death. Alternatively he did find The Ancient One, and The Ancient One's house existed in a nexus between comic book Universes (Stephen Strange gravitated towards the Marvel Universe because his alliterated name fitted in better there). Or, then again, maybe he met Access while drinking and Access let him into the Marvel Universe so he could look for The Ancient One. Who knows?
There was also a nephew - an archaeologist who Batman had met previously during his JLA adventures - the science-fiction hero Adam Strange (who, I hasten to add, is not related to Hugo in the comics as far as I know).
They're watching Back To The Future on TV - another feeble attempt at a clue. In this movie, Marty McFly almost gets romantically involved with his young mother. I originally wanted them to be watching New York Stories (which has the Woody Allen segment called Oedipus Wrecks), but I wasn't sure if New York existed in the DC Universe because I though that Gotham City was the DC Universe's New York (which would also mean that, in the DC Universe, most of Woody Allen's movies are set in Gotham City - I wonder what the movie Manhattan was called in the DC Universe?).
she's walking out with an old red top, a green bikini and some yellow sheets - these are the vital ingredients to make a Robin outfit (based on Dick Grayson's classic Robin outfit).
It's late at night and I'm sitting in a noisy bar. A man leans against my table
- The mysterious man is the real Batman.
Chapter 7
Author's Notes
When I decided that I was going to feature Rann in the story (which was inspired by Avitable's Slow Burn story in the DC Elseworlds section that also featured some heroes being hit by beams, which I mistakenly guessed were zeta-beams), I thought I better find out what Adam Strange was up to these days. The last time I could remember him appearing (apart from a guest spot in a JLA issue) was in a mini-series of the late '80s that I hadn't bothered getting. Then, before I'd got round to typing his name in a search engine, a trade paperback of the aforementioned series suddenly appeared. Naturally, for the sake of my story, I picked it up straight away and read it. Unfortunately, by the end of the story, they'd got rid of zeta-beams and launched Ranagar into space, so when I first wrote this chapter I went out of my way to say how the mega-zeta-beam had malfunctioned and how they'd relocated Ranagar on a new planet, Rann 2. Then, before posting the chapter, I thought I better check on the Internet just to see if anything else had happened to Adam in the interim. It's then that I found out that Mark Waid in JLA and James Robinson in Starman had basically undone everything that I'd tried to explain my way around, so I had to take out all my tortuous continuity work-arounds that weren't needed anymore.
Annotations
We'd Like To Know A Little Bit About You For Our Files - This is the first line of Simon & Garfunkel's song Mrs Robinson and ties in to the chapter itself in numerous ways. It refers to Hugo's files (obviously), visiting Arkham (the song itself is about a woman being admitted to a mental hospital), Poison Ivy's attempted seduction of the younger Robin (the song's from the film The Graduate), and is also a clue as to Myst's real identity (Robin-Son - Dick Grayson's her son).
"Holy headgear, Barbara," Cassie exclaims, punching her hand for added emphasis - this is intended to invoke memories of the way the original Robin acted in the '60s Batman TV series.
Fortunately, the being known as Swamp Thing, shortly after his noble, but doomed, attempt to convert Gotham into a forest, found himself on the planet Rann and managed to convert the wasteland into lush vegetation - these events occurred in Swamp Thing 53 and Swamp Things 57 & 58 respectively.
The land however was not the only thing that had been barren - no children had been born on Rann for many cycles - These details and Alanna's death during childbirth are described in Richard Bruning and Adam and Andy Kubert's Adam Strange: The Man Of Two Worlds series (recently collected in a trade paperback).
Jonathan Crane - AKA The Scarecrow.
a Zeta-beam - beam that transports people (mainly Adam Strange) from Earth to Rann.
I'll stick to Harvey. He may not be much of a looker, but when he's good he's very good, and when ..." - "… he's bad he's even better," which is a variation on a line usually attributed to Mae West.
Jervis Tetch - AKA The Mad Hatter.
She may as well have gone in wearing a sign saying "Eat Me" - an Alice in Wonderland reference.
"Sure, cool game," she replies. "They're making a sequel." - This is a reference to the PC game American McGee's Alice, and at the time of writing they're developing a sequel American McGee's Oz. As far as I know there are no plans for American McGee's Snow in which you toss your diminutive chums at the enemy (and view their trajectories via the wonder of the Dwarf-cam) which results in the opponent bursting into a sneezing fit, falling asleep, becoming euphoric, etc.
It contains my own secret ingredient - I've no idea what the secret ingredient is. I'm leaving it to the reader's imagination to come up with something suitably innocent or sinister.
You don't know what crazy, mixed-up kind of insect you're dealing with - another awful clue for all you millions of anagram fans out there: a mixed-up "insect" is "incest".
Hugo let me set most of the riddles you know. All of the numeric ones are mine - I let The Mad Hatter set numeric clues because Lewis Carroll was a Mathematics professor.
I wanted to use complex numbers for them all - I thought it would be more fitting - he wanted to use "complex" numbers because of the Oedipus "complex".
He also let me design a hat for his friend - The Mad Hatter specializes in mind-controlling headgear.
Wow, you've got a lot of comic books for a grown-up - this ties in with the mandroid Hatter's comments in the next chapter.
Alice In Chains - A music group of some sort.
The Prisoner - Sixties cult TV show (and also, at one point, a DC mini-series) that featured Patrick McGoohan as Number Six who had the catchphrase "I'm not a number. I'm a free man."
Freddy Freeman AKA CM3 AKA Captain Marvel Junior - A member, along with Captain Marvel and Mary Marvel, of the Marvel Family.
Well, Mordru killed him recently - JSA issue 1.
it still wasn't his time to die so he got back out of Heaven on the same technicality as the first time round - Kid Eternity's origin is that he was mistakenly taken to Heaven before it was his time to die so he got to return to Earth with a fat, bald sidekick and the ability to summon any person in mythology or history back to life.
Is it right that he's an agent of Chaos and doesn't actually summon the historic figures but merely demonic copies of them? - Apparently, according to my minimalist research on the Internet, Grant Morrison established that Kid Eternity actually summoned demonic duplicates in his Kid Eternity mini-series. Unfortunately, I didn't remember any of this when planning the story (and I still can't remember it despite having read the mini-series when it came out), so the easiest thing to do was just have Freddy deny it. Of course, he might just be denying it to maintain the Marvel Family's wholesome image. You might prefer to take the demonic duplicate point of view (it negates the icky incest aspect of the story), but this wouldn't explain how Kid Eternity managed to summon Deadman away from inhabiting The Joker's body (unless, of course, Deadman isn't really all he appears to be but is actually just a demonic copy of Boston Brand (a vengeance demon?)).
Harleen Quinzel - AKA Harley Quinn.
The Joker came along and unraveled her again - in Paul Dini and Bruce Timm's Mad Love graphic novel.
Gordon, you're a moron - This line was inspired by the punk hit "Jilted John" by Jilted John.
The encounter affected her more than I realized -this was based on Cassandra's incredibly upset reaction to Superboy's body language when he saw her in a swimsuit in Batgirl 39 (the latest issue at the time of writing the chapter). I wondered how she'd react to the body language of some of the Arkham inmates.
she tucks into a chicken and egg salad - another clue, and another Paul Simon song. This type of salad is also known as a "mother and child reunion", which is what was taking place on Rann during this chapter.
Chapter 8
Author's Notes
This chapter starts trying to tie up all the various plot threads I started dangling earlier on in the story. I didn't originally plan to have The Ventriloquist turn up in this and the next chapter but Evil Lil Katbird had asked if I'd be using him again in her review of chapter five. I have to confess that I'd never read a comic featuring him so I was loathe to use him again, but then coincidentally I received a promotional comic for the Batman: Dark Tomorrow console game that featured the character. Having read his one page appearance therein I decided I was an expert on the character and decided to re-introduce him into the story.
Annotations
Heroes And Villains - The title of a Beach Boys song, and also the title of an episode of the UK sitcom Only Fools And Horses in which the two main characters dressed as Batman and Robin.
Standing in front of me, from left to right, are Catwoman, The Joker and Hugo Strange - these three villains all appeared in Batman issue 1.
Kid Eternity (who's got a flying helmet strapped to his head) - The reason I chose a flying helmet was so that it could be strapped securely to his head and therefore not get knocked off easily by a well-aimed batarang. It was not so that I could have Scarface refer to him as Giggles somewhere in the story (an idea that's only just occurred to me).
Alfred - Batman's butler.
I then clouded her mind with some tricks I'd picked up from Lamont Cranston - Lamont Cranston was also known as The Shadow and had the power to cloud men's minds.
And finally, so that no-one could possibly recognize her, I glued a Batman mask on her - nobody can recognize anyone if they're wearing a Batman mask. This is one of the strange rules of the DC Universe but my story relies on it so who am I to quibble?
Access introduced me to his friend Pete who's an expert on that sort of thing - Paste Pot Pete AKA The Trapster. Fantastic Four foe and adhesive expert.
Boston Brand - AKA Deadman. Dead circus performer with the power to take over living people's bodies.
Boston's got tape over his mouth preventing him from speaking - this is so that he can't tell anyone who Myst truly is and spoil the surprise ending to chapter 10.
Hugo boss - a reference to a man's fragrance.
What you call incest, I call family entertainment - an interesting definition of incest from Hugo. If I'd have thought of it sooner I'd have been tempted to put "Rated R for family entertainment" at the start of the story.
"Why, you evil little … unghh" - if Barbara had been allowed to finish her sentence she'd have said, to the Catwoman/Black Canary mandroid, "Why, you evil little cat-bird," in tribute to my only reviewer at the time of writing Evil Lil Katbird. If you were one of the original readers who didn't submit a review I bet you're kicking yourself now. You too could have had a corrupted version of your pen-name almost mentioned.
"I guess that makes you the clown to the left of me," I point out, "because Joker's to the right ... unnggh." - Barbara's paraphrasing the lyrics to Stealer's Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You", which was the music used in Reservoir Dogs' torture scene.
"Punish her! Violate her! Terminate Her! Spawn!" - This is a reference back to The Mad Hatter having a lot of comic books in the previous chapter. Punisher, Violator, Terminator and Spawn are the comics that The Hatter's got his ideas from. Unfortunately for Barbara Gordon, she lives in the DC Universe where The Hatter can't get DC comics, otherwise he might Thrill 'er with The Unexpected.
"Hey, Toots, can I grab your gum?" - Scarface pronounces b's as g's to comedic effect.
A young boy who insisted that his parents took him to a Zorro movie - Thomas and Martha Wayne were murdered after taking Bruce Wayne to see a Zorro movie.
Crime Alley - This is the place where the Waynes were murdered.
Chapter 9
Author's Notes
My least favorite chapter. I ended up going off on a tangent with the mandroid Catwoman character, rather than having a cathartic showdown between Batman and Hugo. I also think both Batman and Barbara should have done more to stop the Waynes' latest demise. Barbara saves the day because she's my main character - I'm sure that if I'd written the story from Batman's point of view then he would have sorted everything out while Barbara just sat there.
Barbara's broken leg scene was inspired by a scene in Artemis Hawk's Hawkgirl: First Flight story in the DC Superheroes section.
Annotations
Victor Hugo? - Bad title based on the author of The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, Les Miserables, etc.
Hugo says we're going to Metropolis next. He's going to use the Kid to re-unite Superman and Zod - General Zod was killed by Superman. It would be bad news for Superman if Zod returned.
Niles Caulder's Robotman - Niles Caulder was The Chief, the leader of the Doom Patrol, and helped created one of their members Robotman by putting Cliff Steele's brain in a robot body.
Will Magnus' Metal Men - A bunch of robotic heroes created by Will Magnus.
a child prodigy Bernard - Bernie The Brain from the Sugar And Spike comics.
Ivo and Morrow - Professor Ivo created the android Amazo. T.O.Morrow created the android Red Tornado. Together they also created Tomorrow Woman.
Horton - Professor Horton created Marvel's first superhero, the android Human Torch (if you want to read any fan fics containing the original Human Torch I'd recommend checking out Evil Lil Katbird's stuff - you can find her in my favorite authors list).
Von Doom - Doctor Victor Von Doom, major league Marvel supervillain and creator of numerous android doombots.
"When this is over, Garg, Gang Gang" - I hope that Scarface means "Bang Bang".
Ventriloquist after Scarecrow after Mad Hatter after Poison Ivy after Catwoman after Two-Face after Joker after Mr. Freeze after Killer Croc - for some reason I missed out The Riddler in this list. I spotted it while I was previewing the document but was too lazy to change it.
Even a mandroid can die - A hilarious rhyming pun on the classic Avengers story "Even An Android Can Cry". The Batman mandroid that Batman uses is the one that was left over from Chapter 2 (i.e. the one that first killed Hugo).
I don't know what his new batarangs are made of, but they slice straight through the mandroids - they're made of Adamantium, super-duper metal of the Marvel Universe.
Then Batman's firing ropes from his wrists, swinging around the Batcave, and firing nets at the mandroids - he's got a copy of Spider-Man's webspinners. Tragically, after thinking this up and being amazed how original I was I came across a story "Strange Fruit" by TDX in the Batman section that had Batman spinning webs.
Go ahead, Hugo, you poor deluded creature - "Poor deluded creature" is a Batman line I stole from the '60s TV series.
Mister Miracle - Jack Kirby's super escape artist character.
Are you laughin' at me, Goston Grand? Do you find me amusin'? Do you think I'm a guffoon? An imgecile? - A scene inspired by Joe Pesci's turn in Goodfellas.
"Don't call me gage," - A line inspired by the film "Barb Wire".
Sometimes I'm carrying a scythe, sometimes I'm wearing an ankh, sometimes I've got a suit of armor and skis - The many faces of Death. The scythe is the traditional Grim Reaper image, the ankh is Death as she appears in The Sandman series, and the armor and skis are a reference to The Black Racer (a character from Jack Kirby's New Gods). It was stated in an early issue of The Sandman that different people perceived The Endless in different ways
She pretended to be a magical imp - In a ludicrous stretch of the imagination I decided to make Bat-Mite the Earth-1 Delirium. Since the only in-continuity Post-Crisis appearance of Bat-Mite I can remember (in an issue of Legends Of The Dark Knight) was as a result of a drug induced hallucination it seemed to tie-in. I was also tempted to have her be Mopee (wouldn't that be a great pen-name for a fan fiction writer?) but that would probably be stretching things a bit too far.
it was before the big merger - the Crisis On Infinite Earths that made the DC Universe so much simpler to understand.
first rule of Mite Club - A reference to the film "Fight Club". First rule of Fight Club - don't mention Fight Club.
"Joshua." - If you've never seen the film War Games, you're probably thinking "Huh?" (or a more eloquent version thereof). Suffice it so say that, in the film, Joshua was the name of Professor Falken's son and the password to get into a military computer he'd worked on.
I don't meet Death, just some kid claiming to be related to her - This is a reference to Daniel, the new Dream, from Neil Gaiman's The Sandman. I wasn't sure if Death was his aunt (since her brother, the old Dream, was his father) or his sister (since he's the new Dream).
Chapter 10
Author's Notes
I was a bit worried that nobody would get the punchline, so added some more build-up to the final revelation. In retrospect this was a big mistake. As to why I did something so sick and twisted as have Dick Grayson sleep with his mother - it was to remain true to the source material (Oedipus Rex, not Batman), and also to have the story properly qualify as a tragedy. I chose Dick because I couldn't bring myself to have Bruce do it, and also because it would have the most impact on the main characters. Batman would be devastated because he asked Dick to take his place, Barbara would be devastated because of her romantic history with Dick, and Dick would just be devastated.
Annotations
Bad News - Awful, awful, awful title. Unfortunately I couldn't think of a decent title at the time, so used this, even though it practically screams out "twist ending" to the reader. Needless to say that I came up with a much better title the next day.
hotWheelz: - I didn't know what Barbara's Instant Messaging name was, so just made one up.
Rick's been back in touch - Rick Jones had re-appeared from the Microverse by the time I was writing this chapter.
Anyway, as I said before, I've worked out what OR stands for - considering how awful the video clues were, I reckon that Black Canary must have told him.
Harold - the mute diminutive hunchback electronics genius who lives in the Batcave maintaining Batman's equipment. I've never come across him myself, but I figured I better explain where he was for the real Batman fans reading.
Kid Eternity said he couldn't send her back, not while she had a life inside her - inspired by a McGuffin in the film Final Destination 2.
The Atom's shrunk down to get in there and is currently bouncing around Catwoman's brain - this is reminiscent of scenes in one of my favorite bad comics of all time, Brave And The Bold 115, where The Atom controlled a comatose Batman by bouncing on the relevant areas of his cerebellum. That issue also contained the immortal line "the loom of fate weaves an eerie tapestry" which would have made a much better title for this chapter.
Danger Room - Training room used by Marvel's The X-Men.
Tyler - AKA the android Hourman.
Rip Hunter - Rip Hunter, Time Master. The last time I saw him was during the Crisis when he was at the end of time with the Linear Men. Apparently, he's also turned up recently in the Superman: Time And Time Again story, and now he's just called Hunter.
She ran away to join the circus - Holy half-brother, Batman. Myst is actually Mrs Grayson, mother of Bruce and Dick.
THE END
That's it. You can stop reading now. Honest. Would I lie to you?
CONGRATULATIONS!
Unbelievably you're the millionth reader and have therefore managed to unlock the Easter egg:
You might be wondering what happened next, so, in a similar fashion to the Bob Hope film Casanova's Big Night, I'm offering you two alternative endings. A happy fluffy version, and a sick, twisted version. Unfortunately they're both sad attempts by the author at humor. One of the lines in the happy fluffy version is stolen without permission from Evil Lil Katbird (needless to say it's the funny one). The end of the sick twisted version is inspired by Terhwa's Sex, Death and Fridges story in the Vertigo section. Enjoy.
What Happened Next (the happy fluffy version)
Batman listened to Oracle, and couldn't help but laugh.
"I thought something like that might happen," he replied. "That's why I didn't actually send Dick. It was J'onn all along. Ha Ha."
"Phew, that's a relief," said Oracle. "It's not incest, just inter-species necrophilia. Boy, you really had me fooled."
Bruce and Barbara then laughed for as long as was possible with their assorted injuries.
To celebrate the averted disaster, Batman threw a party for everyone involved, and Kid Eternity brought along Elvis to provide the entertainment. Of course, we all know that Elvis isn't dead, it's just that the Kid, during his day job at a burger bar, had become friends with the King.
Batman was glad to see his Danger Room was a roaring success. Admittedly, he had to ban Cassandra after she'd reduced The Mad Hatter mandroid to scrap metal on her first visit, but, on the other hand, Tim couldn't get enough of it. Many's the time he'd spend the whole night in there before crawling out of there battered, bruised and tired, but smiling. Bruce was proud of him. And the mandroids were holding up well, with hardly a mark on them, apart from Poison Ivy who was constantly in need of repair.
Jack Marshall spent all his money to buy a Catwoman mandroid (with Black Canary accessories) that he saw on eBay. They lived happily ever after.
Nine months later J'onn and Myst heard the patter of three pairs of tiny little green feet. As a tribute to America, J'onn decided to name the two boys after presidents (with the obligatory Martian pointless punctuation). After Clark had talked him out of calling either of them L'ex, J'onn settled for G'eorge and P'rez (after Washington and Rickard respectively). Clark didn't have the heart to point out that Prez Rickard had had to resign in disgrace when it was discovered that he was actually Brother Power The Geek with a bad disguise (unfortunately Brother Power's subsequent political disguises were nearly lifelike and went undetected by the American public). The sons took their father's surname of J'onzz, whereas, in accordance with Martian tradition, the daughter O'reo was lumbered with Myst's maiden name of Speedwagon. They all lived happily ever after and eventually P'rez grew up to be America's first green President.
The files that Batman thought belonged to Sandra Knight actually turned out to belong to the Shining Knight. Barbara got Access to introduce The Shining Knight to Northstar - it was love at first sight and they ended up living happily ever after.
Batman ended up marrying both Catwoman and Poison Ivy, after a freak accident during a laboratory experiment ended up splitting him into Batman-Black and Batman-Grey. They lived happily ever after.
Batman introduced Xorn to the Arkham inmates and he cured them all. Apart from The Ventriloquist, that is, who somehow got missed out. The inmates went on to lead productive lives, while Cheeks The Toy Wonder began his rapid ascent to Gotham's major crimelord.
Needless to say that, this being the happy fluffy version, everybody else also lived happily ever after.
THE END
What Happened Next (the sick twisted version)
Nine months later, Myst had a child. Taking after his mother and father, he was half dead and half alive, split down the middle like a really disgusting version of Two-Face. They named him after Myst's favorite movie star (The Rock) from Myst's favorite movie (which was, ironically enough, The Mummy Returns). Frozen until science could find a remedy, the child lied in stasis for almost a thousand years. Then, the child was defrosted and the defective side of his body replaced with a robotic one. The child grew to resemble his father in looks and talents. Unfortunately his father turned out not to be Dick Grayson (which would just be too sick and twisted to contemplate), but rather the Ranagar resident Sardath, Adam Strange's father-in-law. Of course, in the thousand years young The Rock was frozen, language had changed considerably and his original name had become corrupted. Anyway, to put it simply, that's the secret origin of Tharok (which he'll naturally deny if you ever get a chance to ask him).
Kid Eternity joined up with Deadman and some other dead heroes he'd summoned (the original Red Tornado, the original Mr Terrific, the original Dr Fate, and Vibe) to form The Ex-Men. After an initially lukewarm reception, the addition of Elvis (who, as we all know, is very dead) as their Snapper Carr figure made them media darlings (as well as funding the team thanks to the Burger King sponsorship deal).
Of course, as the Ex-Men's popularity grew, their lawyers stepped in to protect their copyright. The android Red Tornado had to revert to his human name of John Smith. To tell the truth he was grateful - since the original Tornado had turned up, Bart had started calling him Annabel (he repeatedly pointed out that the original Tornado's name was Abigail, but Bart chose to ignore him). The new Mr Terrific gratefully shortened his name (he'd started to dislike his old name when he'd read in a fan fic that it could be thought of as ostentatious), whereas the new Dr Fate changed his to something more superhero-sounding (he was glad to drop the Dr - people kept asking him for medical advice).
Together, the heroes formerly known as Red Tornado, Mr Terrific and Dr Fate, along with a blind superhero that Access had introduced them to (who'd had to leave the Marvel Universe after a contrived lycanthropy accident), moved to LA and started work as soldiers of fortune. Unfortunately, fortune soldiering is a cut-throat business (fortune being the operative word), and it wasn't long thereafter that, in a tragic case of mistaken identity, the four of them were wrongly arrested for a crime they never committed. While John "Annabel" Smith, Mr T, Fate Man, and Howling Matt Murdock languished in a maximum security stockade, a senior military official, who looked like he was wearing a bad disguise, told reporters: "I love it when a plan comes together."
Jack Marshall had enjoyed his night of passion with Dinah Lance (never noticing for once that she was a mandroid). It lingered in his mind and he just had to share it. First with an old guy with a white moustache that he met in a bar. He told him how he'd turned up for a date with Barbara Gordon, but she was lying inert on the ground due to, as Dinah had explained to him, being exhausted following a marathon love-making session between Barbara and Dinah following Dinah's early return from holiday. The old guy took exception to what he'd said and started pummeling him repeatedly. Fortunately some police noticed and came over. Unfortunately, the old guy, who turned out to be Barbara's father, showed his badge to the cops and they started to help with the pummeling.
The next night, covered in bruises, he was in a bar and started talking to a blonde guy with a beard. Him and Ollie were getting along great, so he started to tell his story again, this time missing out the Barbara Gordon bit and skipping straight to the hot Dinah Lance action. This also turned out to be a bad idea.
Meanwhile the new superhero team The Ex-Men were turning into The Gloom Patrol. Everyone wanted to go back to Heaven and it wasn't long before Elvis had left the building. This sent Kid Eternity into a suicidal depression which resulted in him taking his life (multiple times in fact, but it still wasn't his time to die so they kept returning him to Earth). As for Deadman, he just couldn't forget all those nights he'd spent alone with the mandroid Dinah Lance. Trying to forget her, he started a series of one-night stands inhabiting the bodies of the most handsome guys he could find. Alas, this made no difference (apart from a sharp rise in the number of celebrity couples splitting up).
Thanks to his computer skills, Jack Marshall had found out where Dinah Lance lived, and so, after his phone messages went unanswered, had decided to pay her a visit. It was as he reached her door that Deadman, in an attempt to see Dinah once more, decided to enter Jack's body.
Dinah opened the door to see the stalker she'd never met before who'd been leaving the weird message on her answer machine. Before Deadman could say anything he found his host body being kicked in the head repeatedly.
One minute Jack Marshall was standing outside Dinah's apartment, the next he was lying on the floor in a heap. Following this, he'd subsequently managed to make his way to casualty. Hopefully that was the one place he'd get some sympathy.
"So, what's your story?" asked the Doctor, shining the light in his eye.
Jack started telling Dr. Pieter Cross the full story, but never got round to finishing it.
Nightwing and Batman had finally started talking again, much to Batman's chagrin. Dick just kept moaning on about the good old days with The Teen Titans. After a while, Batman had learned not to listen, so didn't hear Dick mention the time that they'd come across a costumed crimefighter called Joshua. Unfortunately, the Adamantium mandroid that The Atom was working on did hear Dick's mention of Joshua and cybernetic cerebellum connections re-fired in her responsometer frying Ray Palmer alive. Moving with speed and stealth, the mandroid quickly dispensed with Dick and Bruce, before settling down with Alfred (who she'd fallen in love with while Hugo and the mandroids had been holding him captive) and living happily ever after.
Death looked at the seven dead people in front of her.
"So, guys, what happened?"
"I'll go first, since I was the first one here," said Barbara Gordon, sitting on the ground.
I was sat in front of my monitors, when Kid Eternity and Freddy Freeman walked in. Kid Eternity said that he'd meant to get in touch with me sooner, but he'd been busy with all the Ex-Men stuff. Anyway, he said that he'd got some bad news - I was dead.
Now, admittedly, I still had a few cuts and bruises from my run-in with Hugo's mandroid, and I wasn't 100 percent recovered yet, but dead seemed a bit of an exaggeration. Needless to say I was slightly surprised, so he went on to explain how the mandroid Black Canary had poisoned my coffee, thus killing me, and how he'd had to retrieve me from Heaven for Hugo, because Hugo had been desperate to explain his dastardly plan to me. Very Sixth Sense, as the mandroid Black Canary had apparently remarked to Kid Eternity at the time.
I argued that I should have been brought back in my prime - all-walking, all-dancing. The Kid responded that that was what Hugo was expecting, which is why they'd bothered tying up my legs, but in actual fact I'd died in my prime. When I could walk I was just a wannabe Batman, whereas just before I'd died I'd been doing my best work.
Anyway, I still didn't believe him, so I asked, if I was dead, where my corpse was. He had to admit that he didn't know where the mandroid Black Canary had hidden it, but if I really wanted proof, he'd do what he came here to do.
"Eternity," he murmured, turning his face away from mine.
And that's when you showed up. And we've been waiting here ever since.
Death smiled at Barbara Gordon. "Sorry to keep you waiting, but I thought I'd cut corners and wait for the rest to arrive. Besides, there's no rush - we've got all the time in the world."
"I believe it's your turn next," Death said, turning to Dinah Lance.
Dinah, looking confused and embarrassed, started to speak.
Well, I'm still not sure what happened.
I'd just sent Kid Eternity and Freddy Freeman to see Barbara, and was getting back to watching TV, when Jack Marshall turns up at the door. Now, since our last encounter, Barbara had explained everything to me, so after profusely apologizing to him I sent him through to see Barbara about the new security system she'd ordered from him.
Anyway, I got back to watching television, and the next thing I know I'm lying in the street naked with Jack Marshall kissing me. I push him off me, and then suddenly everything goes black.
And then I'm here with you .
Death turned towards Jack Marshall, and asked if he wanted to provide any further information.
Averting his gaze from Dinah Lance, Jack Marshall started to speak.
I turned up at the clock tower to install the new security system that Barbara had asked for, and Dinah Lance opened the door. Needless to say I was wary, but she was really sweet, and we had a nice chat. She told me not be shocked by Barbara's appearance - she'd been involved in an accident, but Dinah was trying to make sure she was comfortable.
Anyway, I left Dinah and headed towards the main computer room, but when I got there Barbara was nowhere to be seen. I walked around the room, inspecting the existing security system. It was actually one of the better systems - it would provide total protection against an electrical storm and a supply of halon gas would stop any fires instantly. Still, I could see several areas that needed improving. I looked at the floor tiles - one of them was ajar. I moved over to straighten it, but decided to take a look underneath first. That was when I saw Barbara Gordon's corpse staring back at me.
I straightened the floor tile and backed slowly away. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.
It was a young man, he introduced himself as Freddy Freeman.
I didn't want to alarm him, but I had to protect him from Dinah. I figured that she'd killed Barbara.
"You stay here," I said, and left the computer room, locking him inside - figuring that he'd be safe in there with the security system to protect him.
Then, using the utmost stealth, I crept back to where Dinah was.
She stood there, in front of a mirror, totally unaware of me. Slowly she removed her clothes and, staring with fascination into the mirror, started rubbing her hands all over her body.
Following all my recent attacks I'd started carrying a gun. "Hold it," I shouted, pointing the gun at her. She turned around and gave an ear-piercing scream. We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds and then suddenly a set of lightning bolts come through the window and start to set the place on fire.
"Forget shooting me. It can wait. Let's get out of here," shouts Dinah and then heads off in the wrong direction, towards the computer rooms.
Seconds later, she's unconscious and entangled in a web of fabric that the security system's used to capture her. Meanwhile, I can hear Freddy inside the computer room screaming for Captain Marvel's help. I shout at him not to worry, Dinah's unconscious, and then, somehow, with the smoke gathering all around, I manage to extract her from the web and get her outside. I then start to administer the kiss of life.
Then she wakes up and pushes me away. I look at her and a car's speeding towards her. I hear the screeching of brakes, but there's no way it will stop in time. Then it somehow does. And then Hugo Strange's body falls on top of her, smashing her skull.
And then I realize I can still hear the screeching of brakes, and then I feel the car drive into the back of me, and then I see you.
Death turned to Hugo.
"Anything to say?"
I'd planted a fail-safe post-hypnotic suggestion into Kid Eternity's mind so that whenever he heard a certain pop group's name, he'd summon me back from the dead.
Anyway, the last thing I remember was appearing next to the top of the clock tower staring at Kid Eternity. He stared at me, and then he stared at my feet. As I stared at my feet gravity intervened and I plunged towards the ground. Fortunately Dinah Lance was there to break my fall. Unfortunately she didn't break it enough.
So, once again I'm dead.
But I'll be back! Bwa-ha-ha!
Death turned to Kid Eternity. "So we meet yet again. You're still not getting into Heaven, you know, no matter how many times you kill yourself."
Kid Eternity shrugged.
I didn't kill myself. After sending Barbara back to where she belonged, me and Freddy decided to look at the clock tower. We both went outside to look over Gotham City, and then Freddy went back in. I was about to go back in when I discovered that the security system had locked me out. The next thing I know there's a lightning storm. Then I look down and can't believe my eyes. A guy rushes out carrying a lady.
"A bare naked lady's down there and I'm stuck up here," I say to myself and then, I'm not sure why, I say "Eternity" and Hugo Strange is suddenly facing me, and then I get struck by lightning. Lightning and clock towers - I thought that only happened in the movies.
Death looked at Freddy Freeman.
"I guess I'm last," said Freddy and then, as had the others, he started to talk in italics:
That crazy Jack guy locked me in the computer room. Then I heard a scream and all the monitors shattered, bursting into flames. I kept trying to transform to CM3 but the stupid security system blocked my lightning. The next thing I know I'm being suffocated by halon gas.
Death started to lead the six people away, but then turned her head to look at the man they'd left behind.
"So, Boston, what are you doing here?"
Boston Brand, surprised that Death could see him, started to tell his version of events.
"Well, I'd just entered a Dinah …"
THE END
