Chapter 25
When I woke I felt much better, less tired and drained, Allyn was sat by my bed
"Feel better?" she asked when she saw I was awake; I nodded and pulled myself up so I was sitting instead of lying.
"What happened to me?" I asked her needing answers as to why I was laying in that bed feeling awful and why I couldn't remember what had happened.
She looked at me tenderly and then told me "You have to face it" and lent over unwrapping the bandages around my wrists, which I noticed were smaller than they had been last time I had seen them. When she had unwrapped them she turned my wrist over so I could see the two neat cut marks across my wrists that were beginning to heal.
"You slashed you wrists Ebony" Allyn said firmly staring at me with her startling eyes.
I could only stare at my wrists and the marks across them; surely I hadn't done that to myself? Why would I do that to myself? Then out of my mind came a memory, an image and a voice,
One hand holding my hands in place whilst another drew a knife across my wrists and a sinister voice telling me
"I will show you"
Zoot had done it, Zoot had cut my wrists. That realization was like a key to the door of my memory which I had locked myself in horror at that night, but now I remembered, I remembered what he had done to me, the thing which made me sick and feel dirtier than ever and how he had slit my wrists afterwards promising to show me what true power was.
"You have to face it, you tried to kill yourself," Allyn told me tenderly obviously trying to make me face up to what she thought I had done, but I hadn't done it. I hadn't tried to kill myself, neither had Zoot, he had just been playing with me and my life, playing.
Even though I knew she would not believe me it sill seemed important to tell her the truth, or part of it, the Mallrats had to know I didn't do it.
"I didn't do it," I said firmly. She sighed, but not in an exasperated way, in a sorrowful and regretful way.
"Ebony show me your arms" she said, it was more of a command than I request so slowly I rolled up my sleeves and I was surprised to see she did the same.
"Do you think you're the only one" she asked a tinge of sadness in her voice as she held her arm out next to mine so I could see the many scars that crossed her arms like the two fresh marks that cut across mine. I looked at her in horror and she stared back pain and sadness to the depths of her soul .
"I've been there Ebony," she told me sadly "You feel you're worthless and useless and dirty, you hate yourself more than anything in the world. But your worth more than that, don't do that to yourself" Somehow I felt better inside myself knowing that someone else had been there, someone else understood how I felt, maybe it wasn't for the same reasons, but they had been there, they had felt the same pain.
"Oh my God" I whispered breaking her gaze to look at my arms and remembering the trickles of blood running down them but now I saw them for what they truly were, not release, but something bad, something I should never do to myself. Maybe if I had been alone I would hate myself more for what I had done but there, with Allyn's understanding gaze on me I didn't. I had done something wrong, something terribly misguided but I knew now, I understood and I was sorry.
Allyn was still staring at me understandingly
"You should never try to take your life, life is a precious gift to treasure" she told me tenderly but this time she could not understand, Zoot had done this, not me and in that instant the walls of coldness and protection I had let drop were rebuilt and the understanding between us was severed.
"I didn't do it" I told her again, she couldn't understand this, no one could.
"You have to admit it to yourself, and you have to admit why" she told me tenderly trying to make me understand but her words bounced off me and she saw she was not getting through to me. Eventually she got up regretfully and left the room but as she got to the door she turned and gave me one last look of sadness but I turned away, she could not understand, no one could.
When I woke I felt much better, less tired and drained, Allyn was sat by my bed
"Feel better?" she asked when she saw I was awake; I nodded and pulled myself up so I was sitting instead of lying.
"What happened to me?" I asked her needing answers as to why I was laying in that bed feeling awful and why I couldn't remember what had happened.
She looked at me tenderly and then told me "You have to face it" and lent over unwrapping the bandages around my wrists, which I noticed were smaller than they had been last time I had seen them. When she had unwrapped them she turned my wrist over so I could see the two neat cut marks across my wrists that were beginning to heal.
"You slashed you wrists Ebony" Allyn said firmly staring at me with her startling eyes.
I could only stare at my wrists and the marks across them; surely I hadn't done that to myself? Why would I do that to myself? Then out of my mind came a memory, an image and a voice,
One hand holding my hands in place whilst another drew a knife across my wrists and a sinister voice telling me
"I will show you"
Zoot had done it, Zoot had cut my wrists. That realization was like a key to the door of my memory which I had locked myself in horror at that night, but now I remembered, I remembered what he had done to me, the thing which made me sick and feel dirtier than ever and how he had slit my wrists afterwards promising to show me what true power was.
"You have to face it, you tried to kill yourself," Allyn told me tenderly obviously trying to make me face up to what she thought I had done, but I hadn't done it. I hadn't tried to kill myself, neither had Zoot, he had just been playing with me and my life, playing.
Even though I knew she would not believe me it sill seemed important to tell her the truth, or part of it, the Mallrats had to know I didn't do it.
"I didn't do it," I said firmly. She sighed, but not in an exasperated way, in a sorrowful and regretful way.
"Ebony show me your arms" she said, it was more of a command than I request so slowly I rolled up my sleeves and I was surprised to see she did the same.
"Do you think you're the only one" she asked a tinge of sadness in her voice as she held her arm out next to mine so I could see the many scars that crossed her arms like the two fresh marks that cut across mine. I looked at her in horror and she stared back pain and sadness to the depths of her soul .
"I've been there Ebony," she told me sadly "You feel you're worthless and useless and dirty, you hate yourself more than anything in the world. But your worth more than that, don't do that to yourself" Somehow I felt better inside myself knowing that someone else had been there, someone else understood how I felt, maybe it wasn't for the same reasons, but they had been there, they had felt the same pain.
"Oh my God" I whispered breaking her gaze to look at my arms and remembering the trickles of blood running down them but now I saw them for what they truly were, not release, but something bad, something I should never do to myself. Maybe if I had been alone I would hate myself more for what I had done but there, with Allyn's understanding gaze on me I didn't. I had done something wrong, something terribly misguided but I knew now, I understood and I was sorry.
Allyn was still staring at me understandingly
"You should never try to take your life, life is a precious gift to treasure" she told me tenderly but this time she could not understand, Zoot had done this, not me and in that instant the walls of coldness and protection I had let drop were rebuilt and the understanding between us was severed.
"I didn't do it" I told her again, she couldn't understand this, no one could.
"You have to admit it to yourself, and you have to admit why" she told me tenderly trying to make me understand but her words bounced off me and she saw she was not getting through to me. Eventually she got up regretfully and left the room but as she got to the door she turned and gave me one last look of sadness but I turned away, she could not understand, no one could.
