Doctor Wow finished unstrapping Bruce Wayne, who appeared to be perfectly well.

"My word, Mr. Wayne! You're very lucky you weren't killed in that device! What on earth happened?"

"Your new employee, Dr. Daka, decided to take his revenge. But his diabolical contraption was faulty! The machine's metal arms kept colliding against each other until they were locked together and incapable of doing me harm!"

*******

The Riddler continued to mimic a train as he raced through the corridors of the hospital.

"Clickety-clack-clickety-clack!" He stopped to open the nearest door, and stuck his head in. "Woo Woooo!"

"Oh, merciful heavens!" came the unmistakable voice of Aunt Harriet from inside.

In a nearby room, Barbara had finished freeing herself. She ducked behind a curtain and began her transformation into the dominoed daredoll known as Batgirl.

*******

Daka opened the door to ampitheater B with great anticipation. Inside, he found the room completely empty. His towering machine's most prominent feature was now it's single gnarled knot of appendages. Daka threw his cigarette-holder down in fury. Through a window, he spied a helicopter approaching in the distance. The copter had bat-shaped wings.

Foreign-tongued expletives echoed through the halls of the hospital.

*******

Batgirl has just finished changing when she heard a commotion out in the hallway. She opened the door slightly. The Riddler went barreling past. He was still yelling, but had altered his mantra.

"I'm Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!"

Batgirl leapt into the hallway, only to collide with a sprinting figure in white.

"The Siren!" Batgirl exclaimed, recovering quickly from the fall. "Just as I suspected!"

Both women got on their feet and took off after the Riddler. Unbeknownst to them, the babbling quizmaster had randomly chosen an empty room and zipped inside. He a came to a halt and listened as his two pursuers go racing past the room and on down the hall.

*******

The Batcopter was making it's landing out on the lawn. Upon disembarking, Robin was surprised to be greeted by his partner.

"Batman! I was real worried about you!"

"And with good reason! You'd have seen the last of me were not fortune smiling down upon me this fine day. Now, let's go! We've got to locate Daka and the Riddler!"

The duo raced off on foot.

*******

On the other side of the hospital grounds, Doctor Daka and Nurse Blondy Jo were sneaking out a building side entrance. Blondy Jo looked back to make sure they weren't being followed. Daka, absorbed in his thoughts, grumbled in fury.

"Eight hundred dollars! Eight hundred dollars for a deathtrap that could not kill a butterfly! There will be dire consequences for this outrage."

In a ground floor hospital room, the Riddler stood motionless, lost in thought as he studied his surroundings. The only piece of art gracing the walls was a crude representation of a house. The phrase "Home, Sweet Home" was knitted across the bottom.

Home. The word penetrated the cobwebs of the Riddler's scrambled mind. Fond images of crossword puzzles and gaunt, cheese-stained faces in hooded sweatsuits flashed through his consciousness. A sad smile crept across his face. Suddenly feeling very alone, the Riddler hopped out of the window. He looked around the grounds, then wandered off aimlessly.

Dr. Daka and Blondy Jo had by now succeeded in breaking into another car in the parking lot, and Daka's "hotwire" hand attachment was currently being put to good use.

"Success!" he proclaimed as the motor started. "Now to depart before we are spotted."

Pulling out of the parking space, he gave the car some gas. He was surprised to see Batgirl and the Siren standing several hundred yards ahead of them. Batgirl had finally caught up to the erstwhile opera singer and hauled her to a stop. Grinning, Daka floored the accelerator.

Batgirl turned towards the sound of a loud motor being taxed to its limits. Seeing that the large vehicle was heading straight for them, she released her hold on the Siren and moved out of the vehicle's path. Leaning too far in the opposite direction and unprepared for Batgirl to let go, the Siren promptly fell on her backside.

Daka grinned in delight as the fallen form was pinned in his headlights. Just before his car was upon her, he noticed another figure darting into his path. Grabbing the Siren under the shoulders, the figure pulled her back with a swift yank. She kicked her legs up with just enough swiftness to keep them from being crushed by the spinning tires. Collapsing in relief, she looked up to discover the identity of her rescuer.

Doctor Wow hovered over her looking concerned. "Are you all right? Tell me where it hurts," he said gallantly.

Daka's car screeched to a halt. He looked back behind him angrily.

"Keep goin'!" Blondy Jo yelled at him. She tromped her foot over his on the gas pedal. The car shot forward again.

The Dynamic Duo came bounding through a hedge of bushes and sprinted over to the buxom pair.

"So, Siren," declared Batman. "Tripped up by your quest for valuables again." Not getting a response, he watched as Dr. Wow tended to the fallen opera star.

Seeing that the super villainess had only a minor bruise, Batman didn't hesitate to interrupt the examination. "Perhaps you'd be kind enough to share your opinion on a theory of mine, Doctor Wow," he said, pulling the reluctant doctor aside.

Noticing that the smiling Siren's eyes were shut as she awaited the doctor's further ministrations, Batgirl furtively knelt beside her and put her hand under the Siren's skirt.

"Given the Riddler's current dilapidated mental state, wouldn't you say that a frontal lobotomy would fix the poor devil right up?" Batman asked.

"Uh, right you are, Batman. An excellent idea," concurred Wow, as he glanced back towards the Siren.

Pleased to have his hypothesis validated, Batman turned to counsel his admiring sidekick. "Who knows, Robin? Perhaps operating on the Riddler's diseased mind will turn his brain to healthy, productive pursuits."

With the Siren suddenly aware of her presence, Batgirl decided to press her for answers. "It was you that we narrowly missed seeing in the Riddler's hospital room, Siren. Why was he mumbling about isolation when we arrived?"

"Ah, poor Batgirl. Too dim to outwit even a brain-dead Riddler? Although, I certainly have no knowledge of what you're referring to. I caught the Riddler in the act of damaging hospital property, and gave chase, as any good citizen would."

Batman gave a heavy sigh. "Where does it all end, Siren – the cheating, the pilfering, the lies? Is this how you really want to fill your checking account? With the destruction of entire cities?"

"Batman, if so inclined, I'd be perfectly capable of filling my checking account by merely threatening the destruction of entire cities."

Sensing a soul in need of saving, Batman shook a stern finger at her. "I call upon you to forsake your evil ways! I can help you escape from this quagmire you've made of your life..."

*******

Not far away, the Riddler staggered unsteadily past a trash can. Sticking out beneath the lid of the overfilled can was a beat-up, dusty top hat. The Riddler examined it for a moment, then pulled off his now-useless zombie headpiece. He compared the two critically. Deciding the top hat suited his mood, he put it on and tossed the zombie headpiece to the ground. Instantly, his whole manner and posture changed. Unnoticed by anyone, he sauntered away towards the city.

*******

Daka's stolen car screeched to a stop in a swirl of dust outside of Honest Gabe's House of Deathtraps. Presently, the owner/proprieter heard persistent knocking at his door. He found an elderly, handicapped man and a stunning blonde woman standing on his doorstep.

"Hah there," Blondy Jo began, making shushing motions with her hand at Daka. "Uh, we bought this tentacle thingy for slahcin' 'n dahcin' varmits from …and…well, we've come to ask fer our moneh back."

"Because?"

"Because the device is useless and so are you!" snarled Daka.

"I beg your pardon?"

"After I expended great time and effort in vanquishing my opponent, all that was required of your machine was to finish off a bound, beaten fop. A six-year-old with a mallet could have accomplished this, but your ridiculously expensive product did nothing but malfunction."

"Your description would indicate to me that operator error was involved."

"It was not operator error, it was manufactu-error! The machine is in need of extensive maintenance - and it is still under warranty, so you must fix it, or, if you are too ignorant for the task, pay someone else to."

"Ignorant? I'll have you know that I am the inventor of the world's first functioning Voice Eraser, which was used to great acclaim by my client, Catwoman, the world-famous celebrity, who is exceedingly pleased with my work. Now then, Mr...what did you say your name was?"

*******

Another discussion of great import was occurring simultaneously on the opposite side of the city.

"You see, life is a series of paths to choose from," Batman was explaining. "...the high road or the low. But the correct route is self-evident! Choose the high road at every turn, and you will inevitably tower exultantly above the selfish riffraff of society."

"Save your breath, Caped Crusader," scoffed the Siren.

"Yes, sometimes the Sea Of Life contains periods of turbulence," he said, ignoring her. "However, once past those rapids, you'll discover tranquillity and inner peace as you've never known. This ill-gained fortune you seek would only drag you below that surface, halting any peaceful progress achieved on your serene voyage!"

*******

Several miles away, Daka was in the midst of waving an object around in his claw. He finally held it still enough for Gabe to recognize it as one of the arms from the giant surgical machine.

"This is the result of our purchase," bellowed Daka. "It does not deconstruct patients! The only damage it is capable of inflicting is upon itself!" He angrily hurled the arm to the floor. "This is the only motion we will ever see from it!"

"Are you certain you purchased this from me? This resembles an item they stock over at Real Value Hardware. Do you have a receipt?"

Daka waved his claw hand, upon which was impaled the receipt.

"Behold!" he said. "You are therefore responsible for repairing your wares."

"Oah bettah yet, maybe yuh can reimbuhs us," added Blondy Jo.

"Now, hold on a minute. How do I know you weren't misusing it?"

"The device is designed to cut through human bone! How would I misuse it?" asked Daka.

"Maybe you thought you could use it for household woodworking projects. Perhaps you tried to use it as a merry-go-round."

"You represented the machine as being able to perform eight surgeries at once, although in actuality, it was incapable of performing even one. It is clear that I am the victim of false advertising."

"Since your sole experience in operating the machine at full capacity came on your initial use, and only several days after your purchase, it seems more than likely that you did not fully read the accompanying owner's manual. Also, you have indicated that the item was intended for use in a human dissection procedure. However, the owner manual clearly states that the machine, as with all our fine merchandise, is intended for entertainment purposes only!"

*******

Back at the hospital, Batman was just getting warmed up.

"Remember, the vine of villainy bears rotten vegetables! And if you let that dreadful vine take root, it will choke out all the sun-loving goodness from within you!"

Batgirl put her finger to her lips in thought. "I wonder if, by 'isolation' the Riddler could have been referring to..."

"No talking during Bat-lectures!" Robin whispered urgently.

"Excuse me?"

"The ninth rule of crimefighting!"

Irritated, Batman cleared his throat. "Robin, we can discuss the appropriate setting for light conversation later - when I'm able to properly reprimand you. For the moment, if you'll be a good lad and pay attention..."

Robin glared at Batgirl.

*******

"Do you mean to imply that I have participated in some manner of fraudulent enterprise at your expense?"

"What I am implying is that you have my eight hundred dollars and I have in return a device that does not function."

"Very well, then. Since your remarks seem intended to defame my character, consider yourself warned that any subsequent remarks by yourself that attribute criminal intent to my business dealings will be dealt with in a manner befitting the severity of the accusation."

"Wull then, seein' how you're so honest, are you gonna fix it?" Blondy Jo asked.

Honest Gabe sighed. "At this point, I'll need to see the item to make an appraisal. When can you bring it in?"

"The device will not move!" said Daka. "If it did, we would not be here now wasting time with you."

"Batman'n Robin prob'ly have it bah now."

"Look, ma'am, I can't work on what you can't find. This isn't a lost and found service."

"You are a thief and a liar," growled Daka.

"Well, if I am, I must be pretty good at it, because I don't get convicted twice a year, unlike some people I could mention."

*******

"Look," Batman said, pointing upwards. "That beautiful songbird in the sky: listen to how happily it chirps! The toil of an honest day's labor ensures its freedom from the gnawing anxiety of a guilt-ridden existence. The same holds true for the bird's human counterpart, Robin, Gotham's own beloved Boy Wonder."

Batgirl looked questioningly at Robin, who shrugged at her.

*******

"You have deceived me with faulty merchandise, and now, you will pay a terrible price," Daka threatened.

"You mean a full refund? Out of the question," said Gabe. "However, since I am exceedingly reasonable, I'll allow you to count it as a trade-in on your next deathtrap."

"Trade-in fuh whut?" Blondy Jo whispered to Daka suspiciously. "We ain't gonna pay a lot fuh this deathtrap!"

There was a short pause. "How are you with timepieces?" asked Daka.

*******

Batgirl glanced at her watch as Batman continued. "...and Robin, Batgirl and I triumph night after night - not with our fists - but through the unblemished purity of our souls. My instincts tell me that there is goodness in you, and it beseeches your favor. It strains to burst free from the hardened shell of cruelty enveloping the lovely heart beating within that chest."

A long silence followed, and it began to dawn on the others that the speech might actually be finished.

"Now, Batman?" Robin asked as he approached the Siren, his batcuffs poised for use.

"That won't be necessary, Robin," Batman replied. "You're free to leave, Siren."

The Siren took several hesitant steps away from the Terrific Trio. Seeing that Gotham's sworn protectors were making no attempt to stop her, she hurried around a corner and made for the front gates.

"Gosh, we're just going to let her go?" asked Robin.

"I'm sure she's learned her lesson," Batman said as he watched her vanish from sight.

"Welll...just in case she hasn't, I'd better keep an eye on her," said Batgirl. "And since I planted a bug on the hem of her skirt while she wasn't looking, it should be a cinch."

"I'll have Commissioner Gordon put out an immediate all points bulletin on the Riddler. Locating our concussed clue-dropper is of utmost urgency."

"But then the media – and the whole world – will know about the submarines!" Robin pointed out.

"Yes, but that can't be helped at this point. At least we kept it secret long enough to prevent the hospital from being inundated with cheap hoodlums."