Daka presented a toothy grin as he gazed down triumphantly at his hated foes. He noted that the duo were on the verge of panic, their repertoire of tricks now reduced to looking around wildly at the handguns trained on them.
Spying a torn envelope at the end of a tiny parachute that floated by, Daka realized that the Riddler had also been at Wayne Manor recently. He briefly considered ordering a search for the green-garbed villain, but decided against it.
"The Riddler is too witless to still be of use. The knowledge he once possessed is now a maze of unrecoverable memories."
Memories – memories – memories. The word echoed around the walls of Daka's mind.
He unexpectedly found himself witnessing a scene from decades in his past. A younger version of himself was arguing with another man in what appeared to be the office of his old medical practice. Daka could vaguely recall the scene from the recesses of his memory. The other man, his former business partner, was attempting to convince Young Daka to remain in his homeland.
Young Daka refused to listen. "Fame and fortune await me in the war," he said brashly. "I am going to kick some Yankee fujiguh!"
Daka looked around to see if anyone else in the room could see this, but turned only to find yet another vision from his past. This version of himself, just slightly older than the last, was getting adjusted to a new home in America. His younger self was standing on a street corner studying an American newspaper. The paper's front page contained an artist's conception of a human bat creature and a boy dressed in red.
"I do not understand," Young Daka mumbled. "Why would such a man require a small child along during battle?"
This vision suddenly morphed into a flashback of the youthful Daka approximately a year later. He was looking over the brand new headquarters that his homeland had provided him with. Young Daka was operating a small lever that repeatedly opened and closed some doors built into the floor.
"An alligator pit under a trap door! This is my best plan yet," he congratulated himself.
It suddenly occurred to Daka that what he was seeing was his life flashing before his eyes.
Blondy Jo looked at her partner with concern. "Whut's wrong, shugah plum? Ain't you gonna give the order tu shoot?"
Daka opened his mouth in surprise. "Ack."
He toppled forward off the dais and onto the floor with a SPLAT!. The gun-wielding zombies stayed frozen where they were as they awaited further orders from the master.
Batman strode forward quickly to check the fallen doctor. He found no pulse in the cold, wrinkled wrist. The Dr. Daka reunion special had come to a chilling end.
He rose solemnly. "Destiny's mighty hand has snuffed out the life of Dr. Daka."
"A-Any indication as to the cause of death?" asked Commissioner Gordon.
"Old age."
A somber silence hung over the room.
"Gosh!" exclaimed Robin. "That sure was swell timing!"
"Yes, Robin, however not completely unexpected. On this day, Dr. Daka reached the precise average median life expectancy for super villains – 76 years and 3 days. A very poor day to be enacting any plots of world conquest, I'm afraid."
Blondy Jo's momentary shock came to an end as she experienced her own unpleasant vision (of herself behind bars). Keeping a tight grip on the radium gun, she headed towards Daka's zombie microphone.
Realizing her intent, Robin drew his batarang and hurled it towards her. His aim was true and the spinning cyclone of justice knocked the radium gun from her grasp.
She hesitated, debating whether to dive for the gun or the microphone. Before she could choose, Chief O'Hara tackled her from behind.
"Get offa me, you goldurn, rassafrassin'..." Blondy Jo protested angrily underneath him.
As other officers rushed in to handcuff the deceitful nurse, O'Hara moved to rejoin Gordon and the dynamic duo.
"Quickly Commissioner, what was the final riddle?" Batman asked urgently.
Gordon peered at the last card. "'Which letter is the most special?'"
"K! Special K!" said Robin.
"Of course!" said Batman. "Protein in a delicious ready-to-eat cereal form."
"The best to you each morning, from the good folks at Battle Creek!" Robin added.
Gordon lowered the card. "I fear the Riddler's corporate sponsorships are affecting the quality of his riddles."
Batman declined to pursue the matter. "So to summarize, we have the letters 'I – P – S – H - several T's – A – G – E – K'. If we had answered these in their correct order, what word would they spell?"
"'Gap...shittek'?"
"Smag...hektit.'"
"Kgtip..." O'Hara began before stalling.
Jaws hanging open, the four stared at each other, each hoping the next knew the answer.
"We're very close to having the word 'spaghetti'," observed Batman.
"But there's no 'K' in 'spaghetti'!" said Robin.
"In the Riddler's diseased mind, proper spelling always comes a distant second to the thrill of the conundrum."
"But why would he give us the answer 'K' if it was completely irrelevant?" asked Gordon.
"That one was too easy, remember?" Robin replied. "Could 'K' possibly mean the word 'cay'?"
"Cay – an island!" explained Batman. "Which means the submarines are hidden off of..."
"Spaghetti Island!" the Riddler proclaimed, making a sweeping gesture at the land mass behind him. "Named after the noodle billionaire and frequent widow, J. Pauline Spaghetti!"
The villains' rowboat pulled up to an automobile tire floating on the water. The Riddler continued as he pointed down at the water.
"This is not just the tire it appears to be. Nor is that one, or that one," he said pointing to more tires spread out over the next several hundred yards.
"They are actually the entrances to chutes, each of which lead straight down into a nuclear submarine. This closest tire is directly over the rear submarine. So I will require someone to man the broadband monitor on this sub, and radio the sonar readings up to me while I steer the sonar-less submarine at the front. Just give me several more minutes to get the front sub up and running. Understood?"
Mr. Bluebeard nodded as he zipped his blue wetsuit up to his neck.
"Then dive, Mr. Bluebeard!"
"Dive, yo, ho, sir!" Bluebeard responded, flopping backwards off the boat into the water.
As Bluebeard swam in a hearty manner for the submarine beneath, the other three henchmen rowed with gusto for the far tire bobbing on the water. The group heard a noise as something thudded against their boat. Whiskers looked overboard and saw that it was a corpse floating in the water.
"Aah! Who's that?"
"You didn't tell us you killed a guy out here," said Fangs.
"I didn't," said the Riddler, giving the bobbing corpse a shove. "Don't worry, this must be husband #5. He lasted a good year and a half with J. Pauline."
Moments later, the rowboat pulled up to the tire that was positioned directly over the lead submarine. The Riddler pulled them in close to it, then carefully crawled into the tire feet-first.
"Sit tight and keep your eyes peeled for trouble, men," he ordered. He appeared to sink into the water as he slid down into the concealed chute.
40 feet below the rowboat, the Riddler slid down into a submarine through the same hatch he had left open a week earlier. He swiftly began clicking on lights to illuminate the control room.
He peeked back up the hatch and grinned. "I knew those dolts wouldn't consider the possibility of my sailing out from under them and just leaving them - until it was too late."
"Well, surely you wouldn't want to leave me behind, Riddler," said a female voice from the corner.
"Batgirl! Impossible! How did you get out here before me?!"
The purple-clad paragon strode into the light and put her hands on her hips as she calmly explained.
"Even delirious in the hospital, you couldn't resist giving clues. We found you murmuring what sounded like 'isolation, such isolation'. Sometime later, it occurred to me that 'isolationsschlauch' is German for 'spaghetti'...and 'island' can refer to a place of isolation."
She picked up a rectangular object leaning against the wall. "Once I made it to the island itself, I used the camera attachment on my trusty Bat-Kite here. It was able to quickly spot your rather conspicuous tire formation from the air."
"The Bat-Kite? By all that's puzzling, I vow that I shall never be thwarted by that infernal device again!"
Smiling wickedly, he sidled up to her. "Since you solved my riddles so quickly, Batgirl, how would you like one more: How are you like the letter 'e'?"
He was now within five feet of her. "Because you're both at the very end of life!"
He whipped out a cheese-stained knife and flailed savagely at Batgirl. She skillfully wielded the Bat-Kite like a shield to ward off his jabs. She maintained her grip on the kite until he had slashed numerous gaping holes in the material. Tossing it in front of his face, she doubled the Riddler over with a kick to the stomach, then promptly straightened him up with a kick that slammed him against the wall.
PUNT!
The Riddler staggered unsteadily and dropped the knife. As Batgirl moved by him to retrieve it, he grabbed onto the periscope column overhead and gave a good pull. The periscope descended from the ceiling onto the back of Batgirl's cowl.
KLONG!
Although the blow sent her sprawling, Batgirl managed to kick the knife away from the Riddler. Her legs whipped back to sweep his feet out from under him. She "softened" his landing by greeting his nose with the heel of her hand. Yowling in pain, the Riddler grabbed onto a console and kept from collapsing face first on the deck.
"Oh, this is embarrassing!" he grunted, hauling himself to his feet.
As Batgirl also rose, the Riddler took several bounding steps that carried him to the hatchway. He cackled crazily for a moment, then scrambled up the ladder.
"Well no matter - I've still got a boatful of tough, armed henchchmen up above," his voice echoed back down the hatch.
"Oh, really?" said Batgirl. She stepped over to the control panel and flipped two switches, causing the ballast tanks to blow. Immediately, tons of water emptied from the tanks and the submarine began to surface.
"Going up!"
Meanwhile, up in the rowboat, the River Rats were starting to get bored. They noticed the water begin to bubble frantically all around them. Over the bubbling sound, Fangs thought he could hard a voice.
"Hey, isn't that the Riddler?" They listened carefully.
Faint, but growing louder, a desperate voice echoed up: "Grab the guns! Batgirl is down here!"
The rowboat began to rock about.
A second later, the Riddler surfaced in a quite unexpected spot, his masked head splintering their floor as he was driven up through the bottom of the boat.
SPR-RACKK!
Down in the submarine, Batgirl heard frantic voices shouting, accompanied by sounds of wood cracking and snapping against the metal hull. She smiled as she got the hatch shut and locked.
Back on dry land the following day, Batgirl had reunited with the Dynamic Duo at Commissioner Gordon's office to explain her findings.
"...and with the hatch to the rear submarine Bat-expoxied shut, Bluebeard could only swim around in circles. The Coast Guard arrived to find all five of them floating unhappily in the cold water."
"Splendid job, Batgirl!" said the Commissioner. "The entire country owes you a hearty 'thank you'!"
"And to you four also," replied Batgirl. "You were able to account for Doctor Daka and his nurse."
"And you can add one more villain to that category," said Batman, motioning towards the door of the office. Doctor Wow and the Siren were walking arm in arm towards the group.
"Yes, Batgirl, he's right," said the Siren. "After listening to Batman's lecture and giving his words careful thought, I've realized that what I really desire is to find a man and settle down."
"We're going to be married Tuesday after next!" Doctor Wow beamed. "We found that we have a great deal in common. We enjoy the same movies, we frequent the same vacation spots..."
"Plus, we both really like money," added the Siren.
"She came to me yesterday to tell me she was giving up her life of crime and asked me to operate to remove her vocal implant," said Doctor Wow. "I proposed to her on the spot!"
"Yes," said the Siren. "For so long, I'd thought that thrills and excitement where what I craved. But when I looked deep inside myself, I found that I'd happily throw it all away for the chance to raise babies!"
"Ah, it does me heart good t'hear you say thot, Soiren," said O'Hara.
Looking slightly uncomfortable, the Siren approached Batman. "You were right all along, Batman," she said. "All this time, I've pushed such thoughts from my mind, but your words lifted the veil of chaos from my eyes."
Batgirl's jaw dropped in disbelief at what she was hearing.
"I'm just happy that you were able to set things right and find happiness before it was too late," Batman said warmly. "I wish I'd been able to get through to Doctor Daka before his time ran out."
"Speaking of Dr. Daka," Batgirl asked. "What would have happened if the he had been able to turn the clock's hands to 12:00?"
"Oh, I daren't even contemplate the horrors of that eventuality," said Gordon, closing his eyes. "Let's just all give thanks for being spared such an outcome." The group reverently bowed their heads in silence for a moment.
"Well, we've got some rings to go pick out," said Doctor Wow. "We sure hope to see you all at the wedding." The Terrific Trio watched the happy lovebirds depart.
"Holy Transmogrification!" said Robin. "Events are still changing too fast for me to keep up with!"
Gordon slapped Batman on the back. "Excellent work, Batman! Another arch criminal steered down the path of wholesomeness!"
"You know, the first villain's deathtrap I ever faced – it seems like many years ago – was during the first team-up between the Riddler and the Siren," Batgirl reflected. "...and foiling this latest scheme makes me feel like I've come a long way."
"Say! The first deathtrap I remember facing was one of the Riddler's, too!" chimed in Robin.
"A persistent customer indeed - we'll probably be enduring his deathtraps into retirement," said Batman.
"By the way, what kind of condition did that last blow to the head leave the Riddler in?" Batgirl asked.
"And So, Our Story Has Come Full Circle; From An Intrepid Woman's Initial Encounter With The World's Most Formidable Felon, To The Conclusion Of Her Latest Hair-Raising Adventure!"
"Mr. Nygma, who are you talking to?"
"One Deathtrap Begets Another In The Endless Cycle Of Danger!"
"Can you hear me? It's Doctor Wow."
"Today's Deathtrap is Tomorrow's Memory. But What Thrilling Adventure Does Tomorrow Hold For Our Heroes?"
"Mr. Nygma, I'm very impressed by all these different voices you can do, but you really need to stop now. You're keeping the other inmates awake."
"Treachery At Every Turn? A Thrill A Minute? Could Tomorrow Be The Day That The Curtain Finally Falls On..."
"Say goodnight, Mr. Nygma!"
"Good Night..."
"That's better."
"...Gracie."
