Chapter Nine: Spike's Letter
(Here it is. One of the ones you've all been waiting for. Enjoy it, because it was really hard to write. I kept wanting to cry. And I don't cry easily)
Buffy,
I'm going to tell you write now, it's not going to be easy to write this, because I just saw you snogging with tall, dark, and forehead. But I have to write to you, just in case I don't get to tell you a few things tomorrow.
First, the obvious. I Love You. With all my being, I love you. I don't know why and I don't really care. The only thing I've ever been sure about is you and my love for you. And no matter what you've said to me in the past, it's the one thing I've always known.
How is it that we love, Buffy? How do we love? I'll tell you how I do. I love with a blind passion, I dive in head first, not thinking of the consequences, until they come back and bite me in the ass. I love you with every fiber, everything that I have, and everything I wish I did have. I confessed my love for you at the wrong time. That was little Spike thinking then. I was in love with you everyday after that, but the first time I realized I was truly, deeply, madly in love with you was the day you died. I saw your lifeless, broken body lying there devoid of the light, the spirit that you possess, I died. It was then I knew that I had never, and could never feel like that. I didn't feel anything. Nothing, because the one person who made me feel like anything other than a monster, was gone.
I took care of Dawn for you, and for me. She was a little part of you, and she reminded me of you, and it hurt. Your friends repaired my Buffybot, and I couldn't look at her, at you, because that thing didn't have what you have. Then you came back, they brought you back. When I saw you in that moment, everything else faded away and all I saw was beauty and light and love. I saw you. And in that moment I understood love.
I don't know what's making me think back to my Sunday School days, but I remembered something the priest said once. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"
I don't know the answer to the question above. Doesn't really apply to me because I'm not a man. But since you make me feel like one. I ponder it. I thought I had everything figured out, I'm a cocky bastard, and if someone would've asked me that question five years ago, I would've said "Don't care. Don't have a soul." But that same question, asked to me a year ago, I would've thought about it instead. Now, I am not a righteous man. I'm not even a man. I've done and seen things that you would hate me for, but believe me when I tell you I have changed and it was because of you. I know you've seen it, too, otherwise you would've ripped this letter to shreds.
It's funny I'm remembering all these quotes from the Bible. Must've been that deranged preacher. In the Bible, after that question, there is another. "Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" Now, that I know the answer to. At least, my answer, would be everything. I gave everything, the existence I knew for over a hundred and twenty-five years, for my soul. For you. So I could be better for you. But I'd give up my soul in half a heartbeat, if it meant saving you. Because at least I had a few moments clarity, so that I could forgive myself. I haven't fully forgiven myself yet.
So, if you're still reading this letter, I didn't make it. I asked the boy to give this letter to you just in case. And I didn't make it because this time I was the one supposed to save the world. This time, it's either gonna be me or you, and I will not have it be you. Damn the Powers That Be, making it so that we can't be together.
Do you remember when I told you that I saved you in my dreams every night after you died? Do you remember? I hope I saved you. I hope I saved everyone. I'll tell you something, love, you saved me. I don't know how many times there've been where you could've just let me die or stake me. You should've but you didn't. You saved me.
You are my soul. You gave me one before I even went to Africa. After everything we've done to each other, everything I've done to you, we're both still here. I think that means something. Will it mean something later? Or something now? I wish you were here so I could tell you all this myself. You'll know soon enough. I love you. You know that. And, Buffy, I've always known.
Love Spike
Love William
