Chapter Eleven: I Love You
(Here's the other letter you've all been waiting for. This wasn't as tough to write. But, it still stung.)
Spike,
To tell you the truth I don't what to write. I don't even wanna write to you, but I have to. It's funny how everything we've been through is coming to a head, and I'm completely calm. Not us, I'm talking about the gang. And we've been through so much together and I can't think of anything poignant to say. Now, I'm talking about us.
Right now, I'm watching you sleep. You look so cute when you sleep. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. What are you dreaming about? You're mumbling and your eyes are moving beneath your eyelids. God, you have long lashes.
I've never done that before, just watch you. You've always been the one watching me. Think I didn't know about that? I could feel you. At first, it was creepy, stalker-y weirdness. But after awhile, it made me feel safe, then loved. I knew as long as you were watching me I was gonna be okay. A slayer feeling safe with a vampire. You're the only one who's ever made me feel that. I knew that you were always going to be there. You made me feel, Spike. And I can never thank you enough for doing that for me.
Then you left. It was a good thing too, because if you didn't, you would've ended up a big pile of dust. But surprisingly, I don't think it would've been my doing. Even after what you did, I didn't want you to go. If you went, I wasn't going to feel safe anymore. But you did, and you came back with your soul. How did you do that? It couldn't have just been for me. I don't care what you say, because you needed it just as much. I never needed you to have a soul to care about you. I did that anyway, as much as I denied it to myself. I saw the pain in your eyes after what you had tried to do to me. I knew how much you loved me. Yeah, you made a mistake, a stupid, evil, disgusting mistake. But who of us haven't? I shouldn't have singled you out just because you weren't human. Sometimes, you were more human than we were.
You saw what having a soul did to Angel, why did you do it to yourself? And as I watch you sleep, I know it. The spark. You thought you didn't have it. You thought you couldn't give it to me, but you did. From the moment I came back from heaven, you were there, for me. You helped me. That day after Glory beat you senseless, you told me you couldn't tell her that Dawn was the Key because you would die if I was in pain. You would die, if I was in pain. You are a poet, even after a hundred years of being the Big Bad. It was then that you proved to me that you were more than you seemed.
So, you didn't get that soul for me, you got it for you, and that's the best gift anyone as ever given me.
I wanted an answer from you when I asked you to ask me why I could never love you. Mainly because I didn't know the answer. And I was so afraid to ask myself the question, I was more afraid of the answer. I was afraid to let myself love you and care for you. You were a new experience for me and I didn't know how to handle it.
I'm sorry for everything I ever said to you, every time I hit you, every bad name, every insult, I'm sorry. It's so funny. After everything we've done to each other, everything I've done to you. We're still here. I wonder if that means something.
Spike, you mean more to me than I ever thought possible. I know what you did in the past, and what you've done now, and what you will do. And I don't care about any of it. Because I can see you, I can see who you are. And you see me. Those moments that you look at me, you search my eyes with yours, I understand what Willow once said to me. In those moments, when you look at me, everything else fades away and for a millisecond I'm not the slayer, I'm not my sister's keeper, I'm not my friend's friend, I'm not any title that can be given. In the moment, the moment you look into me, I'm wonderful. I'm just me.
I think I can finally tell you now. I was gonna tell you before, but now's as good a time as any. And I'm not just saying this because I might die tomorrow. Here it goes. I love you. I love you, Spike.
Don't ask any questions about it either, just accept it. And if I don't die tomorrow, I'll tell you out loud. I'll tell you everyday after tomorrow. When I told you that I wasn't ready for you not to be here yet, I don't think I'll ever be ready for you not to be here, so don't go dying on me tomorrow. At least not until I get the chance to tell you.
So, just in case. I love you.
Buffy
Spike folded the letter. He didn't know how Andrew knew he was alive, and frankly didn't care. All he knew was that she loved him. He knew she wasn't lying when she had told them in the crumbling cave, but he couldn't have her dying with him.
"Spike?" Angel's voice waft through Spike's office.
"What?" He asked drying his eyes.
Angel stepped out of the shadows. "What are you...? Are you crying?"
"No!" Spike said. "Did you come here for a reason? Or do you feel the need to get pummeled?"
Angel chuckled. "Okay, okay William. What's up?"
"Nothing. Leave me alone."
"You need to go to her."
"What are you talking about, Peaches?"
Angel rolled his eyes. "You know what I'm talking about. Don't make her suffer. And I won't let you. I'll knock your ass out and put you on a jet if I have to."
Spike scoffed, "Like you could." He sighed. "Do you really think I should?" Angel shrugged. "If it was me... I wouldn't."
"It's a good thing I'm not you then."
(Okay. So that letter was tough too. But what do you think? What do you think'll happen next? Mwahahaha)
